sometimes there are things you just don't talk about... 

sometimes they are too hard.. too personal... too much in general.. 

someone told me this is still part of a testimony of all God has brought us through.. 

my ex husband was abusive.. in every form of the word... I am a very confident person.. I am secure about me.. I was raised this way... he took every piece of confidence I had and smashed it.. but it was worse than that.. with abuse sometimes there are parts of you that just can't handle that.. this is a man that was supposed to protect me.. here he is being what I needed protected from.. so this hard shell of me emerged... to protect the soft inner one... 

a doctor would call this a disassociative personality.. you are not split.. you are still one person.. but parts of you can't deal with certain things.. so a stronger part of you takes over and the soft one hides... you remember all of it.. just without any emotions.. 

this is really what I dealt with in my abuse... becoming completely emotionless.. which is safe.. but very sad... 

God brought me out.. He opened my emotions.. He wants me to trust people and love them again.. I haven't quite been able to let anyone close to me since letting go of the harder side.. but God is working on me with this area... 

Matthew 6: 19-21 “Don’t store up treasures here on earth, where moths eat them and rust destroys them, and where thieves break in and steal. Store your treasures in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and thieves do not break in and steal. Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be.

reading this today... I am thinking of the desires of my heart.. what is it that we are constantly striving for? what is the thing you want so desperately but don't have? 

isn't that what we tend to consider the desires of our hear? I would think so because our mind is focused on it much of the time whatever it might be.... and whatever it is.. it is likely something of this earth.. now it doesn't have to be a bad thing.. it can be something God is calling us to.. like his purpose for us.. but when that thing takes over our peace and our contentment in God.. then it stops being about him and has become about us.. 

what if you desire to be married or have children.. this is a good thing.. it is in the bible that it is not good for us to be alone and children are blessings from God.. but when that desire consumes you it becomes about this world I am thinking.. 

but if we could learn to live day by day.. trusting that what God leads us to is good for us.. then we are content and at peace and storing treasures in heaven rather than on this earth.. 

somehow.. all that we do or don't do needs to be about God's desires for us.. not our own desires.. but that is a hard thing to overcome.. the selfish and human nature of us... 

anxiety is the most amazing thing.. 

I am not a worrier.. or at least I never have been.. I am a ahhhh.. Jesus will work it out somehow .. type of person... 

yet now... the dumbest stuff stresses me out.. and it is stuff I know that I really don't care about and is not a big deal.. yet I am panicking about it... 

I hate anxiety... 

ok... so I am thinking alot this week... 

I am thinking about the role of a woman... 

I think much of her role is to show unconditional love.. look at all of us.. it seems God gives every woman someone to love unconditionally regardless of how they treat us.. 

this world keeps telling us about all we deserve and what we should put up with or not put up with.. is this anywhere in the bible as a way to act? do you see Jesus ever living with the mind of self preservation? I don't think so... 

we learn to love by being broken by love I believe.. we have a choice to become bitter in the breaking or become better in the learning and giving of ourselves. I choose to be better.