gratefulness...

yesterday I woke up and I lay there praying and my first thought was to pray about needs... but something within my spirit told me to only be thankful... and so I started thanking God for the many many things that He does for me that I don't even think about...

I often think much about where I want to be instead of being thankful for where I am.. and that is crazy for me because I should know how to be thankful for even just waking up because there were times that I didn't know if I would...

repeatedly through the psalms David would tell us how much he loves God and how thankful he was just to be able to serve Him... can we imagine the changes the church could make if we would all take on that attitude of gratitude... can we imagine the changes in just our own household or our job if our attitude changed from what we think we deserve to how thankful we are to just be in the number... look how many people have lost their homes and their jobs during this time of recession... and those of us who have a job and a roof over our head never think too much about how much we have and how protected we are by our God... instead we end up complaining about the pay or the people... or the mortgage or rent or electric bill... look how many people have lost everything... and we have so much and instead of being thankful... we tend to think we deserve something...

Father I just thank you... with all that I am.. for all that you give me... even the things I don't think about like air and water and health and children that are healthy and whole... I lift my arms in praise and adoration to you... I thank you for the big things in life.. .but even more than that.. I thank you for every day... I pray that I will change my focus onto what I can do for someone else... anyone... in Jesus name I pray.. amen.amen.amen. I love you Lord... with ALL my heart, mind, and body...

who am I?

you know how they always say that people need to 'find themselves' as they are growing up? I was pretty sure that I had not been lost... life experiences change the person we were when we were young... we are born innocent (yet sinful)and as life attacks us, we change to fit the situation or to protect ourselves...

when I was very young I was selfish and somewhat mean... because everything was handed to me.. and I was never reprimanded for my attitude or actions...

I married someone who cared none about my feelings and in the end it turned out he didn't too much care if I lived or died as he repeatedly tried to kill me inside and out.. I changed into someone with little words.. little personality... trying to fade into the woodwork and not be noticed..

when I left him... I became a different person I used some of the original personality... which was mean and vindictive... I kept a little bit of the second one because that helped to manipulate people...

as I have given myself completely over to God... I see my original personality coming back, without the selfishness and meanness... instead God is teaching me to use love as a way to treat people.. I really am not all that comfortable with this new creature in Christ... I feel very vulnerable and open to be hurt... and I do not do well with hurt... it seems much of the hard and callous heart is being cut away and I am left wide open... and that is scary...

back before I was married I was the average white girl... by the time I left him I had very little of that person left.. and other than the color of my skin... my thoughts... my actions... even my movements looked like all my friends... none of whom were white... and she even had a different name, this person I had become... as God is changing me... I see many of those traits leaving me... I am losing my rhythm.. and THAT is distressing to me... I took a class at the gym last night... and I could not get the steps... I could not move my arms and legs at the same time... I have become the average white girl again... and in this class... I thought if I could just get a shot of Jack I could get this... and that kinda tells me... the person I used to be... was controlled by a spirit that was not of God... and I guess if it takes a wrong spirit to make me have rhythm... apparently I will be left without any...

so if you see me uncoordinated in the gym... just remember... I am exactly as God wants me to be... uncoordinated... rhythmless... and full of the love of God...

loneliness...

so I wake up this morning with that terrible heavy loneliness over me... and I begin to talk to God about it... and he reveals some things to me about me...

when I was young... I was hideously selfish and rude and mean even... and lonely... lonely to the high heavens... I would push people away because of my fear of being hurt... but my pushing people away caused me to be oh so lonely... so as females are taught... I thought that a man would take it away... but he didn't... and that is when I learned that being in a crowded place can make you even lonelier than being alone... I didn't really lose the loneliness over the years... I think I got used to it... and I preferred that to the possiblity of allowing someone close to me because then they could hurt me... and I would rather die alone than be hurt again... you know when I stopped being lonely... is when I lost my job way back in 2007... and that is when God really came to me and gave me vision and purpose... and He talked to me and sat with me.... that is when I truly stopped being lonely... I gave up my will and my thoughts and came to accept what God wanted from me instead of what I wanted from Him... and that took the loneliness away...

there are days now that I feel lonely... and I usually find those to be the days when I want what I want when I want it... and as I give all of it back to God... then it goes away again...

the Holiness of God...

this morning.. God says to me... I am Holy..

I think... hmmmmm.... why did He say that to me... what am I doing that is not recognizing the holiness of God...

Sometimes.. we get so focused on vision or on purpose that we forget about the awesomeness of God... and I think sometimes that happens to me...

I used to just wake up and be so happy that God loves me... nothing else... just that He loves me... because truly... that is an amazing and awesome thing...

so I sit here and remember the "spirit of praise" that I used to walk in... when God was the only thing I focused on... the only thing I really thought about...

I realize that God... the creator of all life... God the creator of everything... loves me... individually... He created me... He thinks about me and smiles... that is about the most awesome thing ever... and on top of that... He was willing to allow His Son to die... for me to have life... and the spirit of praise of God fills me up again... I am so thankful that God loves me... that He knows my name... that He chose me...

Father... please never let me take my eyes off of You... help me to constantly be an image of Your love to Your people... I love You so... You are my whole heart and soul... You are my everything... my waking and my sleeping thought... I love You more than life... more than anyone... anything... and I praise You... that You are so awesome... and You still look at me... THANK YOU!!!!

night vision...

I have astigmatism in my eye... it causes me odd issues... I can't see well in the rain... I can't judge depth... which is scary for anyone riding with me because it seems like I might hit stuff... but I seem to miss it by a hair all the time (God's grace... I'm sure..)

and I can't see well at night...

I have this same issue in my spirit being too... we all go through periods of darkness where there seems to be no Light given to a situation... and we are to keep on moving forward in the dark... just like when I drive in the night... because I can't see... I slow down... and in truth.. I avoid driving at night... some days my spirit man would like to stop driving at night too... I would like to just stay in the house where it is comfortable and safe and well lit... but for some reason... God always seems to push me into an uncomfortable place.. and wants me to be content..

I look at Sarah... and I wonder... if she ever "truly" lost hope in this promised child... you know they waited like 25 years total... and she talks Abraham into sleeping with her servant (I won't ever get that one... I can't imagine EVER... under ANY circumstances... talking my man into sleeping with another woman... NEVER EVER EVER... if a child needed to use another woman's body to be born... I don't need the child all like that...) and the bible tells us that finally... when the real time came... Sarah stood in the kitchen laughing at the men telling her husband that in her old age she will now... at almost 100 years old... have this child... so my bet is that she had given up on it... and then... after she has given up... she gets pregnant and is overjoyed...

I think part of the thing is that we try everything we can think of to make what God has said happen... but then... would that be God... or would that be us... so He seems to wait until we are finally thinking... I must have heard wrong... I must be crazy... I must have voices in my head...

then He makes it happen... which tells us... we can't do anything to make the will of God come to pass... He has to do it... that is why it is His will... not ours... how crazy... I didn't want the thing in the first place... then end up wishing it would just happen... the waiting on the Lord thing is enough to kill a person... especially when you don't have night vision...

in spite of....

God is calling each of us to love one another... not with our own hearts... but instead with the heart of God... we cannot in our human frailty love someone in spite of what they have done to us... but through the heart of God we can...

we often get spiritual amnesia and we forget that God still loves us when we are unloveable... we forget sometimes the mean or spiteful things we have done or are still doing... and yet we want God to love us regardless of what we do... but are we willing to do this for someone else?

I don't think that "love in spite of" means forgetting what they have done or imagining that they didn't have ulterior motives... although I think that would be our first thought of how this type of love would be accomplished...

if we look at Jesus... He KNEW what Judas would do when He chose him... yet He chose him anyways... I think sometimes we are too hard on Judas... did Judas really have a choice? it seems to me that he fulfilled the purpose for his life... even though it was a bad purpose... but throughout the three years that they were all together... no one else suspected that Judas was any different than the rest of them... so that tells me that Jesus treated all of them exactly the same... He loved them all... He still saw who Judas was... yet acted toward him in love...

I think this is what is required of each one of us... that we love one another in spite of the things that we know about them.. that we remember that none of us are perfect and while we may not like something in someone... we too have our flaws... and God loves us ALL THE TIME... that is our calling... to love one another all the time...