unconditional...

we all desire to be loved unconditionally... we want someone who will love us despite the issues we have or the things that we say that we shouldn't... yet how often are we really willing to give this to someone else?

God loves us even while we are still in our filth and sin... if God loved us the way that we love others, what a terrible situation we would be in... we like to think that we have come such a long way and are so wonderful... and maybe we have come a long way... I know that I have... yet I am not yet what God is calling me to be... that is a daily struggle... daily I have to die to the desires of self in order to be the woman of God that He desires me to be... God wants us to love people despite what they do or say... that is not an easy task... yet that is what God is requiring of us...

Father... I desire to love the people of this world... not only the people of God... but all people with the same love that You have shown to me... I am not worthy of the love You give me.. and I want to love others when they are right as well as when they are wrong... open my spirit eyes... the eyes of Love and show me my faults daily that I can be more like You... I ask this in Jesus precious name... amen.amen.amen. I love You more than I show...

what it looks like...

have you ever noticed that the promise of God coming to pass usually doesn't look like you thought it would...

I think we get this romanticized idea of what things should look like and then we stand there waiting to see what we thought up in our head... don't get me wrong... I am not at all complaining or trying to be negative... I am just saying that it isn't what we expected... maybe over time it will get to be what we thought... but surely not in the beginning... sometimes so much so that we don't even realize it has happened until God tells us it did...

an example would be... let's say God has put a particular ministry in your spirit... doesn't really matter what it is... and you are all gung ho thinking it will be so pretty and everyone will love it and be happy about it and it will all be roses... so you get started and first of all... it is ALOT OF WORK... and not work like you are used to... seems like everything that can go wrong does... then PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO ACCEPT IT... or they don't react the way you want them to... this is very hard to deal with and still keep pushing forward...

but God is good and if we continue on the path that He has chosen for us... He will be faithful to us as we are faithful to Him... don't you just love Him??? I know I do!!

thank you Father, for your will coming to pass in my life.. on the days it looks like I want it to as well as the days it does not.. help me to remain faithful and on the right path.. keep me focused on You, not man, not circumstances.. keep my sight in the spirit realm so I can see what You are doing in my life.. I love you Lord.. I adore You, I praise You, I bow down before You.. thank you Father for your love and goodness to me... I love you with an unchanging love...

role of a woman...

this one will be very unpleasing to the ears of women but it is still truth I am finding out...

we keep thinking that we are of value in ourselves... the bible clearly states that woman was created for man.. we were created with one purpose.. to be the help of a man... before covenant... I would suggest that one man would be Jesus... but after covenant.. we were created for the man God has created you for and we were each created for a man... it might take until you are old to find him, if that is the will of God, but it does not change the purpose... you will find no where in the bible where a woman was created to do great things in herself... even when a woman has serious spiritual gifts, such as teaching or evangelizing... still she is under the a man who is her head... she may have gifts, but her gifts are not her purpose... her gifts are given to aid in her purpose...

I know that none of this is anything we want to hear... it is nothing I desire to hear either... I keep running into a brick wall because over and over again I think it is for me to make decisions... it is not... I know who my covenant partner is... I am to remain in submission to him at all times... when comfortable and when uncomfortable... when it makes sense and when it doesn't...

I don't understand the ways of God many times... somehow He always shows me just what is expected of me... anything that lifts me up is usually pride and not of God... I am to be a servant... Jesus was a servant to all mankind... what would make me think I would be any different than He was...

Thank you Father... for your voice... even when I don't like what You say.. please continue to change me and lead me in the path You have chosen for me.. help me to learn and give into submission... in Jesus precious name. amen.amen.amen.

talkative vs. social....

I am pretty talkative during the day... I can hold conversations with just about anyone.. but when I get home in the evening... it's a whole nother story... I don't usually want to talk on the phone... I don't even want the tv on sometimes. I like to sit in the quiet by myself, just me and God...

I think this hurts people's feeling sometimes... it seems like many people don't really like their own company. That is strange to me... I love me some me... somedays I am the only one that really understands me... as I cannot get away from myself.. it seems important to like myself... so if someone wnts to come over in the evening I tend to make up some excuse about something I need to be doing... cause I'd rather just sit by myself...

Maybe I really am not as social as some people think I am... I don't know why I am like I am.... but just because I don't always want to talk doesn't mean I don't love you... I have been alone a long time... its comfortable to me...

tired of being tired...

yesterday is the last day of yesterday...

as of today... God can do whatever He so desires... and I will accept it... but I am done chasing after it or looking for it...

no matter what the future holds, God has changed me into a better person.. He has transformed my mind and my actions... I no longer am the same person that I used to be.. I am a new creature in Christ, all the way down to my soul...

and whatever He decides is His will... I will be good with it...

what is down deep?

we are having a stewardship series at my church this month... and he asks anyone who is not financially stable to sign up for a budgeting class at the church to be held this week... and as I cannot manage my way out of a wet paper bag... I will go... but this is my true thoughts on the issue...

bad financial management is really not about a budget... come on now... I feel like anyone can write down what your bills are and manage out which pay you should be paying what bill... we also can figure out that we need to let this go or that go in order to be able to pay what we need to pay... the troubles come because first of all you don't want to give up what you can't afford... even if it is the right thing... even if you get them to give up what they can't afford... as soon as there is light at the end of the tunnel... because they are impulse shopper/spenders... they will think they can buy something they really can't afford...

but the true root of this is deeper than finances... that is just the outlet it is showing up in... here is my own sad story...
Jesus has pulled me out of financial distress over and over... but I keep ending up back in it...
my first trouble is my love language is gifts... so I keep buying myself stuff to make me feel loved... (did I just say that out loud???) some days I will even use the excuse that Jesus is buying it for me (cause God knows He is the one that will be paying for it...) (fyi... I need a new love language...)
my second trouble is (this one is for you Rev. George Miller who so kindly pointed this one out to me...) low self esteem... here is the explanation...
when I was in the world... my value came from my looks... (in my head anyways...) so I dressed sexy and got attention from men and hate from women... so I spent all my money feeding this 'look'...
when I got in the church... I looked sexy, so I didn't fit in... so I changed this... now I dress more conservatively and fit in with the church women and the women give me attention and the men ignore me cause I don't draw attention (usually... sexy still comes out every now and then...)so... I feel like I have to be the best dressed unattractive church woman ever... feeling like if I can't get attention from men because I am gorgeous... at least I can get it from women because they are hating...
trust me... I do not do any of this stuff on purpose... this is all subconscious.. I mean for real now... no one intentionally does crazy stuff like this...

so... the dilemma is... I guess I will go to this class because it is the right thing to do... and Jesus will dig me out of this hole one more time... but unless the root issues are dealt with... I will be right back in it... sadly enough...

you know... some people just don't have a gift with everything... you know, we all have strengths and weaknesses... money management is NOT my strength... the husband Jesus has prepared for me will have to be good at it and I will promise not to argue with him about what he says I can't spend...

the seductress...

Proverbs 5:3-6 The lips of a seductive woman are oh so sweet,her soft words are oh so smooth.But it won't be long before she's gravel in your mouth, a pain in your gut, a wound in your heart.She's dancing down the primrose path to Death; she's headed straight for Hell and taking you with her.She hasn't a clue about Real Life, about who she is or where she's going.

my daughter was home for the weekend.. she sees a woman that she does not know and asks me who she is and I tell her the woman's name and she says mom, you know what I'm asking you... and I say what do you see? she said she has a bad spirit... I say, do you recognize what the spirit is? she said no but it seems to have the jaws of death on it... I say the spirit is lust...

this morning on my way into work... God said to me... the spirit on that woman is the spirit that men are being warned about in proverbs... about a woman that will eat you alive and you cannot seem to get away from her... and I say ooooohhhhhh... with recognition... then He says... that is the same spirit you used to have... then I say woooowwwwwww...

the lesson in this to me is that if there is something you see in someone else that bothers you very badly... it may very well be something that you carry or that you used to carry... and as we tend to judge someone else... instead we should be praying that they are delivered, just as God in His power and mercy chose to deliver me... where I used to have no emotion, just physical desire, now I am able to open my heart up and love someone... that is a great gift that God has given me... it started with a softened heart... He removed in me the heart of stone and replaced it with a heart of flesh... I pray that God will allow this other woman to learn what love really is and to be blessed in her life with love and able to let go of the coldness and misery of lust... in Jesus' name. amen. amen. amen.