love those who hate you...

Matthew 5:44 but I say to you love those who hate you and pray for those who persecute you...

these words are spoken by Jesus himself... sorry to say... that is a very hard concept for me... oh I will pray for them all right... but not for God to bless them or save them or change them... I am an old testament warrior... I tend to pray that those that persecute me or persecute those that I love will die or be removed from my world...

and I am wrong... I want to save the world... but not the same world that everyone else wants to go to heaven I'm thinking... I am learning the hard way... that much of the church world or the so called christians are the ones that need saved... I don't so much mean saved from the worldly ways... maybe I do mean that... the people in the church have turned out to be the meanest people I have ever had to come in contact with... I used to just go to church without being involved in it... and now.. now that I guess you would have to say I am part of it... I find that the majority of church servants and leaders are mean and hateful people... aren't these supposed to be the saved ones??? aren't they supposed to be the ones out here saving the world in action and deed? apparently I am so confused about the role of church...

I had the imagination that church was to be a light in a dark world... I promise you that I have never been dogged out and talked about in the world like I am in the church... when I was talked about in the street... it was truth... I was doing what they said I was doing... NOW... I am doing NOTHING... and people are accusing me of doing sinful things... don't get me wrong... I don't pretend I am not sinful... (for goodness sake I just told you I want these people to disappear...)but I am not doing what I am being rumored to do...

you know... I had told someone once that the change that we are to make is in the church... and I guess I never realized the significance and truth of that statement... I too was confused about my role in the kingdom.. I thought the souls to be changed were the ones in the street... and I believe it will be... but I think maybe it has to begin with change in the lives of the people in the church... including me...

so... apparently instead of wishing/praying for their demise... I will begin this day... this new year to pray for the church to be delivered and to become more Christlike... and I will pray this same prayer for myself... because if I am wanting folks to disappear or die... I am not so much like Christ either...

let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me... let there be love on earth and let it begin with me... let there be Christ on earth and let it begin with me...

Christmas Dinner...

I had not cooked in the past several years because there is no one there to eat it.. so I just had been going to someone else's house... there is just something about cooking for a man that makes it seem worth while... (yes, I know that sounds stupid..)but I decide I am cooking this year for Christmas dinner...

I buy a turkey and a ham... keep remembering that I have not cooked this in several years... and the turkey has a gravy packet with it... ???? and the ham has a glaze packet with it... ????...

apparently... I am too old school for today... I make my own ham glaze and I use the juice from the turkey and some shredded up turkey to make the gravy... now I will tell you that I thought I would try this gravy packet... ugh.... it didn't thicken like the flour mixture I would normally make and use... wondering what happened to being taught how to cook by someone... I wasn't taught by my mother... I was taught by my wilbur... my kid's grandpap... and he taught me all old school stuff... like how to make gravy from nothing... and how to make glaze for a ham... and truth told... he taught me how to make pig feet and chitlins... and I can even cook a groundhog so you won't know it is a groundhog... (lololol... that is a true statement...)(I keep telling you people I come from the REAL hood... and no one believes me...)

I taught myself how to make sweet potatoe pie... because the women in my world I have asked to show me how don't want me to be able to make it from scratch... and last year... it tasted good but looked like orangish pudding... BUT.... this year... for Thanksgiving... India took it back to school with her... and they ate it all and she didn't get any... but she said they said it was great... I was still suspect... cause you know... kids will eat anything... BUT... this Christmas some of her friends came over and they tried it... and they went to work talking about it was really good!!! yay me!!! I am very excited about that!! and only took 2 tries...

so... Christmas dinner came out good... and I can make sweet potatoe pie... and I am very happy about that... next is the souffle... I am hoping to have that down by Easter...

rumors and reputation...

this morning I am reminded of Mary... the mother of Jesus... she was 'come upon' (whatever that means) and has become pregnant by the spirit of God to have a child.. and these people... surely talked about her...

people are mean... they can never seem to be happy for anyone... they can never think that maybe things happen as they are the will of God or people love one another... it can never be a happy rumor.. only the mean hateful ones where the woman is a seductress and the man is weak and he has succumbed to her evil plot and now she has him whipped by her amazing sexual feats... (surely you can see how stupid that sounds???)

maybe... just maybe... the will of God is coming to pass and you don't need to try to make is ugly or sinful... maybe it is just the will of God being manifested in human form... for goodness sakes... allow people to be happy for once in our lives... sheesh...

personal pet peeve...

this really about nothing... with no answer in sight... just something that REALLY annoys me...

have you ever known a woman that will only talk on the phone when her man is not around?? boy does that annoy me... now... I realize that men tend to get irritated when they are not the center of your existance... they think you need to hang up as long as they are in your presence... but still... do you really have to go along with it? why can't you answer the phone... talk a few minutes... (like under 3 even..) then say okay... well I'm with the man right now and will call you later... but you don't even answer the phone... I promise you that I will not remember whatever I was suppposed to say to you when you call me later...

and men... what is the issue... I mean... I can understand that she shouldn't be on the phone gossiping while you have a little personal time with her... and if ya'll are 'busy'... of course you wouldn't answer just then... but to think that every time she is in your presence she just won't answer the phone at all... that would tend to make me think something is going on... if I am with a man and his phone is off or on silent and he won't pick up ANY calls... there is something he is hiding...

my personal opinion is this... answer the phone... talk a few minutes and hang up... both sexes... truthfully... any time we are on the phone more than 10 minutes, it turns into gossip anyways so we really should not be hanging on the phone all like we do... and I don't know about you... but I sometimes make excuses for my gossip... such as... it was the truth... it may have been... but I am learning the hard way that if what you are saying does not encourage, edify and bring life... we don't need to say it... maybe if we don't say it.. we will eventually get to the place where we don't think it... maybe....

whew... feel better now... really had to get that off my chest...

have you ever wished you weren't saved?

today I am somewhat thinking that way... this sacrifice of myself is more than I can take some days and today is one of them...

last night... I had to deal with some of the most selfish and inconsiderate people of my existance... and I upfront admit that I did not handle it in a Christlike manner... I screamed and yelled and told people they are rude and selfish... I yelled at some kids (which is really not unusual, but usually I am playing...)and that wasn't right either...

I don't want to do any of this anymore... I want to go back to the street... I want someone to show me physical love... I want someone to think I am center of the universe again... I want to be drunk... I want to be out in the club dancing and getting attention... I want to be who I used to be... I want to be comfortable... for just 10 minutes...

my spirit knows that I have come to far to turn back now... God has been too good... regardless of how sickening people become... God is the center of the universe and He is the one that I am ultimately supposed to be focused on...

so this day I will suck up all this hurt and disappointment and walk on in the path that God has set before me and know that God will deal with my enemies.. God will deal with anyone who tries to harm me even if it is just emotionally or spiritually... I don't answer to man... I answer to God...

Father forgive me for my mouth... forgive me for my attitude... forgive me for not portraying you in my life... I ask that you will fix all the mess that I have created and create in me a right spirit and clean hands because this day I have neither one of those things... change me into the person that you desire for me to be... love me in spite of me... in Jesus name I ask it.. amen...