still prideful after all these years...

Proverbs 29: 23 Pride ends in humiliation, while humility brings honor.

Jeremiah 13: 15 Listen and pay attention! Do not be arrogant, for the LORD has spoken.

I got to tell you... I thought I was so much better with this!! I no longer think I am God's favorite... I no longer think I am the center of the universe... I know longer think I am beautiful.. or sexy... I no longer think I am the best at anything at all...

I have learned that God loves me IN SPITE of all that is wrong with me... and for that I am thankful...

yet this morning.. God reminds me of my desire to be noticed.. how I try to stand out and never blend in... always drawing attention.. even if it is not positive.. I still desire to have all eyes on me... and I think.. ugh!! I so thought we were past this!!

I wish there were a formula for keeping pride at bay... I wish there were 3 easy steps to remaining in humility at all times... I do not seem to know them if they exist... so God tends to humiliate me over and over to remind me that I am nothing without Him... when I really never forgot it to begin with.. I am just not so good at looking like I know it...

is it the way I dress? the way I talk? the confidence that I have? what is it that makes me appear to think I am the world?... I have no idea... but I surely wish I were completely over pride...

vow of silence...

Psalms 91: 14 May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer.

That is my desire... to have the things that I say be encouraging and uplilfting and pleasing to God and man both... especially God... yet somehow... I continually fall in this area.. it almost seems like I cannot have any close friends because if I do.. I say things I shouldn't say... even if they are truth.. the truth is not to always be told I am learning.. sometimes I am being told.. most times actually.. rather than volunteer truth.. I should wait for someone to ask for it.. everyone knows I am going to give the truth.. or my idea of it.. so if they wanted to know it.. they would ask me.. no need to volunteer it..

Proverbs 10:19 Too much talk leads to sin. Be sensible and keep your mouth shut.

I am somewhat considering a vow of silence.. now of course this will not be a true vow of silence because we have to interact with people in our house and people in the church and people on our jobs...

So what I am really thinking about.. is to just stay to myself... to not speak unless spoken to.. to be cautious constantly about the words I speak.. it is strange.. when I used to think of outward sins.. I would think of things people could see.. but I find.. my mouth is about the most outward sin I could have.. everyone I come in contact with in any given setting hears my words... if I speak only what is encouraging or uplifting or benefitting of someone... that would be pleasing to God.. but if I allow myself to get caught up in mess.. even if my only part is to give truth.. I still don't have any need to be in it without being asked...

I need God's help in this endeavor.. this is surely not a strength of mine... surely not..

wait...

Jeremiah 42: 1 Then all the guerrilla leaders, including Johanan son of Kareah and Jezaniah son of Hoshaiah, and all the people, from the least to the greatest, approached2 Jeremiah the prophet. They said, “Please pray to the LORD your God for us. As you can see, we are only a tiny remnant compared to what we were before.3 Pray that the LORD your God will show us what to do and where to go.” 4 “All right,” Jeremiah replied. “I will pray to the LORD your God, as you have asked, and I will tell you everything he says. I will hide nothing from you.” 5 Then they said to Jeremiah, “May the LORD your God be a faithful witness against us if we refuse to obey whatever he tells us to do!6 Whether we like it or not, we will obey the LORD our God to whom we are sending you with our plea. For if we obey him, everything will turn out well for us.”

7 Ten days later the LORD gave his reply to Jeremiah

I don't know about you... but I am impatient... I want it now.. yesterday even.. and still it drags on...

when I pray to God I want His answer right away... I don't want to wait for it.. sometimes I would rather hear Him tell me no than to just not hear any answer.. but.. God is not working for me.. He is not on my time schedule.. and while I pray.. I can know that He hears me.. because He loves me and I am striving to live for Him.. and He may not answer me when I want Him to.. but when He gets ready.. He surely will.. and it would be in my best interest to just wait for an answer from Him rather than go rushing forward in what I think I should do...

they that wait upon the Lord shall mount up as wings of eagles..

judging others...

Ezekiel 36: 22 “Therefore, give the people of Israel this message from the Sovereign LORD: I am bringing you back, but not because you deserve it. I am doing it to protect my holy name, on which you brought shame while you were scattered among the nations. 23 I will show how holy my great name is—the name on which you brought shame among the nations. And when I reveal my holiness through you before their very eyes, says the Sovereign LORD, then the nations will know that I am the LORD. 24 For I will gather you up from all the nations and bring you home again to your land. 25 “Then I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean. Your filth will be washed away, and you will no longer worship idols. 26 And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart. 27 And I will put my Spirit in you so that you will follow my decrees and be careful to obey my regulations. 28 “And you will live in Israel, the land I gave your ancestors long ago. You will be my people, and I will be your God. 29 I will cleanse you of your filthy behavior. I will give you good crops of grain, and I will send no more famines on the land. 30 I will give you great harvests from your fruit trees and fields, and never again will the surrounding nations be able to scoff at your land for its famines. 31 Then you will remember your past sins and despise yourselves for all the detestable things you did. 32 But remember, says the Sovereign LORD, I am not doing this because you deserve it. O my people of Israel, you should be utterly ashamed of all you have done!

God restores us.. not because we deserve it.. but because of His great name being attached to us... He loves us.. not because we are good or have done anything worthy of the love He gives us.. just because of His own greatness...

I was thinking about the actions of another person yesterday.. and I was distraught.. thinking.. how can they hurt others like this yet consider themselves in relationship with Christ? yet I remember a time not that long ago that I was very much like that too.... God has changed me.. He has cleansed me of much of my filthy behavior.. yet even more remains.. as much as I try to look instead at how much I have changed.. still I am not worthy.. still I am a sinner saved by the grace of God loving me.. still I have a far way to go be be where God is taking me...

don't imagine this is condemnation... I am not at all saying that I feel as if God hates me or thinks I am hideous... actually it is exactly the opposite.. God loves me in spite of who I still am... He is still working on me and changing me... He has put His spirit in me.. my stony and hardened heart is gone..

the real point is.. when I look at someone else.. do I look at what they are doing right? or what they are doing wrong? and do I want to be judged the way that I am possibly judging them? surely I don't.. I still have a long way to go... my mouth alone could be harmful enough to send an unstable christian back to the old ways.. I need to be more cautious of the things I say.. even if I do think them.. that is not cause to say them.. someone said to me recently that every conversation is a "ministry moment" and that really opened my eyes.. we are not just talking to people.. we are ministering to them.. are we ministering life or death? are we judging someone else for the speck in their eye while we have a board in our own?

Father continue to change me... take over my mouth.. let me cease to speaking accusingly of anyone... anyone at all.. let the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing to you... change me O Lord.. make me in your own image... thank you for hearing my prayer.. in Jesus name... amen.amen.amen.

teach me to pray...

Matthew 6: 5 “When you pray, don’t be like the hypocrites who love to pray publicly on street corners and in the synagogues where everyone can see them. I tell you the truth, that is all the reward they will ever get. 6 But when you pray, go away by yourself, shut the door behind you, and pray to your Father in private. Then your Father, who sees everything, will reward you.
7 “When you pray, don’t babble on and on as people of other religions do. They think their prayers are answered merely by repeating their words again and again. 8 Don’t be like them, for your Father knows exactly what you need even before you ask him! 9 Pray like this: Our Father in heaven, may your name be kept holy. 10 May your Kingdom come soon. May your will be done on earth, as it is in heaven. 11 Give us today the food we need,2 and forgive us our sins, as we have forgiven those who sin against us. 13 And don’t let us yield to temptation, but rescue us from the evil one.
14 “If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. 15 But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins. I have never been a fan of the Lord's prayer.. not because I don't like it.. I guess it is because it isn't saying much that I want to say.. I have always felt that praying is a conversation between me and God... I'm not saying that is right.. more of saying that is what I feel.. I know that in prayer I state my side of the conversation.. then I am to remain silent for a while mentally and allow God to say His side... but how often do we really take the time to listen for God to speak?

Jesus tells us not to babble on and on repeating ourselves.. how often do we do that? I would say that I do that quite often... I want God to hear me and answer me.. NOW... even if He says no.. just speak to me about what I want to hear about!! but that isn't really how God works most of the time.. most of our situations or issues in life are not really for us to get an answer right now.. instead I think they are being used to change us...

the things Jesus tells us to pray about is to #1 tell God how great He is all all that He means to us... #2 ask for food.. #3 ask forgiveness of our sins (which would mean we are doing this more than once a day even.. as we sin far more often than we realize.. and surely much of it is not intentional and sometime we don't even realize we have sinned..) #4 keep us giving in to temptation... not keep us from temptation.. but instead to keep us from giving in to it... meaning temptation is not optional.. but God wants us to stand against it...

I am sure that I don't pray right... I am sure that I am more focused on what I want God to change in my world rather than focusing on all that is wrong with me... surely that is a sign... surely that is part of what would keep my prayers from being answered right away! I determine today to change this in me.. I am determining to focus on what God wants from me.. more than what I want from God.. and to stick with the change!

today...

Psalms 47: 1 Come, everyone! Clap your hands! Shout to God with joyful praise! 2 For the LORD Most High is awesome. He is the great King of all the earth. 3 He subdues the nations before us, putting our enemies beneath our feet. 4 He chose the Promised Land as our inheritance, the proud possession of Jacob’s descendants, whom he loves. 5 God has ascended with a mighty shout. The LORD has ascended with trumpets blaring. 6 Sing praises to God, sing praises; sing praises to our King, sing praises! 7 For God is the King over all the earth. Praise him with a psalm. 8 God reigns above the nations, sitting on his holy throne. 9 The rulers of the world have gathered together with the people of the God of Abraham. For all the kings of the earth belong to God. He is highly honored everywhere.

yesterday I was thinking... I have been living too much of my life in tomorrow... I have been concentrating too much on where I am to be going.. on how I am to get there... and I am wasting today....

I am determined to live today.. every day... for just what it is...

I kept thinking "when God's will comes to pass".. and I realized... I am in God's will for my life right now... I am in His will for me for today... when tomorrow gets here.. that will just be another day in His will... I realize I had to see what I was going toward in order to make the changes necessary.. to accept what God has said.. to walk worthy of the call He has placed on my life... but until I get to the promised place... I am to enjoy today.. and know that today too.. I am in His will for my life.. doing what He has called me to do for today...

so this is the day that the Lord has made and I will rejoice and be glad in it... I will be glad to be right here.. right where I am now...

grateful...

Psalms 72: 18 Praise the LORD God, the God of Israel, who alone does such wonderful things. 19 Praise his glorious name forever! Let the whole earth be filled with his glory. Amen and amen!

nothing new has happened... no new reason for me to feel that God is so wonderful... but.. the things He does daily.. and the things that He has brought me through in the past are more than enough reason for me to know and exclaim how wonderful He is..

He is faithful when I am not... He is kind when I am not.. He is loving when I am not.. He will not forsake me when I have forsaken Him time and time again...

God's goodness does not need a new reason to be proclaimed.. I can DAILY proclaim the constant goodness of God...

spirit of defeat...

1 kings 19: 3 Elijah was afraid and fled for his life. He went to Beersheba, a town in Judah, and he left his servant there. 4 Then he went on alone into the wilderness, traveling all day. He sat down under a solitary broom tree and prayed that he might die. “I have had enough, LORD,” he said. “Take my life, for I am no better than my ancestors who have already died.”
5 Then he lay down and slept under the broom tree. But as he was sleeping, an angel touched him and told him, “Get up and eat!” 6 He looked around and there beside his head was some bread baked on hot stones and a jar of water! So he ate and drank and lay down again. 7 Then the angel of the LORD came again and touched him and said, “Get up and eat some more, or the journey ahead will be too much for you.” 8 So he got up and ate and drank, and the food gave him enough strength to travel forty days and forty nights to Mount Sinai, the mountain of God. 9 There he came to a cave, where he spent the night.

one of the things I love about God is.. He rarely tries to reason with us... He doesn't say to us that He needs us.. or that He thinks we should follow Him...

I find that He leads us day by day... when we are so tired that we cannot go on.. we tell God we are ready to quit.. maybe even to the place that we are ready to die... and He doesn't try to talk us out of being ready to quit.. at least not in the way we think.. so what He usually will do.. is lead us to tomorrow.. and then lead us into the next tomorrow... God rarely will allow someone to decide they are just done... at least this has been my experience... I have even been allowed to quit something for a season.. but it comes right back around.. full circle.. it may come in a different form.. but it is still the same battle... and He gives us another opportunity to walk through it...

God does not give us the spirit of quitting... the spirit of failure.. the spirit of defeat.. that comes from the enemy... it doesn't mean will may never feel it.. we all get tired... physically.. emotionally.. spiritually... but never do we hear God say that this is too hard for Him... it may be too hard for us.. but it is not too hard for Him.. our weakness comes when we don't lean on God to carry us through the hard parts... or when we are somewhere we never should have been to begin with... but even when we shouldn't have been there.. I think still God expects us to follow through with it.. walk the season out and learn from it... when the season is done then we are to take what we have learned in the dry season and carry it with us for the rest of our lives so that we don't end up in the same situation again...

God doesn't want us defeated... we can choose life or choose death.. in every situation... we can choose God.. or choose to live in our feelings... let us all cast off the spirit of defeat and walk in life through the power of our relationship with God...

walking on water...

Matthew 14: 22 Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. 23 After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. Later that night, he was there alone, 24 and the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it. 25 Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. 26 When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear. 27 But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.” 28 “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.” 29 “Come,” he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!” 31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

last night at about 3am I wake and see Jesus over me and He reaches down and pulls me up out of water... He tells me that I had been walking on water and I allowed myself to be distracted by the storm around me and I had been floundering in the water ever since...

we cannot reach our goal if we are not completely focused on God... the distractions of this world will cause us to be looking around and get afraid.. then we will begin to drown... I had my head above water but I was so tired of keeping it there.. instead of focusing on God and not fearing...

I am done being distracted.. I am done worrying about anything other than what God has said to me.. He is faithful and just.. He is true.. He keeps His promises..

confusion...

Acts 21: 33 Then the commander arrested him and ordered him bound with two chains. He asked the crowd who he was and what he had done. 34 Some shouted one thing and some another. Since he couldn’t find out the truth in all the uproar and confusion, he ordered that Paul be taken to the fortress.

I am learning that one of the greatest tools of the enemy is confusion... I am learning that he uses noise to bring confusion...

have you ever noticed.. when you are somwhere alone.. just you and Jesus.. you can have peace... you know that He is in control.. you know that you can do all things through Him... you are calm and the world is rightside up... this is the truth for me anyways.. any time I get alone with God I am calm and peaceful...

but... when other people come into it.. they get you to thinking that maybe you are wrong... maybe you can't do what God says you can... I don't even mean necessarily people talking negative things to you... just something about too many people being in on the relationship and the purpose of you from God causes confusion... you don't even have to have talked to someone about what God has said to you.. yet somehow.. those people who are being used by the enemy will find you and give you reasons to be confused and doubtful.. they can be christians... yet they are being used by the enemy against you...

we have to.. absolutely have to have time alone with God.. to be filled with His words.. His presence.. His strength... we cannot continue to live in faith and in confusion at the same time.. we have to cast off situations and people who bring confusion to our spirit... it may mean that we really don't have anyone in our lives... it may just be me and God all the time.. and that is all right...

I am tired of being confused.. I am done with it... I am going to rest in God... and cast out confusion and anyone who carries it with them... in Jesus name... amen.amen.amen.