Psalms 90: 10 Seventy years are given to us! Some even live to eighty. But even the best years are filled with pain and trouble; soon they disappear, and we fly away.

this evening.. as I have this nerve pain in my back again.. I guess in my subconcious I must have been saying that I thought this pain was going to be over with... and I clearly hear God say to me.. "I have not promised that you will not have pain... "

well... I gotta tell you.. I was somewhat really hoping for no pain.. no physical pain.. no emotional pain.. no pain at all.. and I am reminded.. I am not ever going to have a perfect life.. wouldn't it be wonderful if we could decide exactly what our pain would be and how it would come.. how heavy it would be.. where it would be at.. who would and would not cause us pain... I was accepting the "there will be trials and tribulations in this life" but I really could have done without the pain...

I realize.. we often desire to be god of our lives.. at least I do..
if I were able to choose all this.. what does and does not happen.. what I do and do not go through.. then I would be like God.. and that just is not my role.. so I have to adjust and accept what it is that He feels I need to go through or not go through.. and realize that He tailor made all of our pain and troubles for us individually... we can look at someone else's trouble and think we would like to trade.. LOL.. at least I can do that.. but either their life would be too heavy or too light.. God intentionally chooses our battles.. our victories.. I think even our losses... they are designed to shape and mold us into who we need to be..

we need to become thankful for the pain and the burdens rather than trying to get out from under them.. maybe ask God what He is trying to teach us through them.. maybe they will go faster that way... maybe not.. maybe they will continue to last a long time.. even a whole lifetime.. but it is not for us to decide.. we are not God.. as we submit to His will and His ways.. we daily become more like Him.. and isn't that really the goal.. to be made in the image of God..

so we change our outlook on it.. and we smile through it... and be thankful.. at all times.. both happy and painful... and then God will get the glory for our lives.. and bringing God glory is surely the main purpose of all of our lives..

covenant...

Genesis 17: 7 “I will confirm my covenant with you and your descendants after you, from generation to generation. This is the everlasting covenant: I will always be your God and the God of your descendants after you. 8 And I will give the entire land of Canaan, where you now live as a foreigner, to you and your descendants. It will be their possession forever, and I will be their God.”

we don't really know what covenant means.. I think we find out as time goes by.. but I don't think we knew what it was to begin with... we don't know what love is.. we think it is a feeling.. when really it is a choice we make despite what we feel.. to act in the correct manner.. to show love despite our emotions.. we can feel like we hate someone and really show them we still love them deep down by our actions.. they never have to know what we were feeling at all... there is a scripture that says weigh the cost before you commit.. so that you are sure to endure to the end.. (but I couldn't find it for some reason.. I hate that..) we enter too lightly into commitments and do not remain true.. we are a faithless and unstable people...

most times.. we enter into a contract.. not a covenant.. whether it be accepting a job or marrying someone.. we decide that this is good for now.. and when we no longer want to be in it.. we break the contract.. and go looking for something we expect to be better than what we just left.. I believe a contract is something that we make in our own power...

this is not the same thing as a covenant.. a covenant begins when God said it began and it lasts for a lifetime.. one way to know something is covenant and not contract is the realization that it won't let you go.. you can try to walk away from someone or something.. but something keeps drawing you back and doesn't allow you to let go... ever... I believe a covenant is held by God's power.. not our own..

this is also true of our relationship with God.. when we commit ourselves to Him that very first time.. that is the beginning of a covenant.. an everlasting covenant.. we can try to walk away.. we can act like we don't belong to Him.. but He never lets us go.. it keeps drawing us back to Him.. we hold on when our faith is weak.. when our strength is gone.. there is still some thread of hope that keeps us keeping on.. God doesn't leave us when we sin.. our sin does not break the covenant... it separates us in relationship.. the relationship can become strained.. but He still loves us.. still keeps holding out for our true change.. still keeps protecting us and watching over us...

covenant is forever.. with God.. with man.. even with a purpose or ministry.. it cannot be broken.. it still exists even if we defile ourselves with other things.. I suggest we realize how committing covenant really is.. and begin to stay true to it.. pure in it and undefiled... surely God will reward our faithfulness..

Psalms 9: 1-2 1 I will praise you, Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all the marvelous things you have done. 2 I will be filled with joy because of you. I will sing praises to your name, O Most High.

david is one of my favorite bible heros... I find him to be such an amazing man... david.. who really did more than most... does not.. come across as if he thinks he is anything... he often states that he can't imagine why God even looks at him... he never became puffed up or full of himself...

he screwed up pretty regularly... yet he was always in the habit of praising God despite his circumstance... saul chasing him down and trying to kill him for 20years really was none of his own doing.. saul was just a loon... full of evil spirits.. and david did nothing against him.. kept on praising God for his goodness through the whole thing...

I think that thankfulness is almost an attitude... grateful for what is rather than what could be... when I was young I was so selfish and so ungrateful... as I have gone through life's trials and been shaken and tossed to and fro I realize that God is my everything.. He is my anchor... my peace.. my God... my Father..

I have no idea why God looks at me.. what He sees in me.. but I am so thankful that He does..

Esther 1: 10 On the seventh day of the feast, when King Xerxes was in high spirits because of the wine, he told the seven eunuchs who attended him—Mehuman, Biztha, Harbona, Bigtha, Abagtha, Zethar, and Carcas— 11 to bring Queen Vashti to him with the royal crown on her head. He wanted the nobles and all the other men to gaze on her beauty, for she was a very beautiful woman. 12 But when they conveyed the king’s order to Queen Vashti, she refused to come. This made the king furious, and he burned with anger. 15 “What must be done to Queen Vashti?” the king demanded. “What penalty does the law provide for a queen who refuses to obey the king’s orders, properly sent through his eunuchs?”
16 Memucan answered the king and his nobles, “Queen Vashti has wronged not only the king but also every noble and citizen throughout your empire. 17 Women everywhere will begin to despise their husbands when they learn that Queen Vashti has refused to appear before the king. 18 Before this day is out, the wives of all the king’s nobles throughout Persia and Media will hear what the queen did and will start treating their husbands the same way. There will be no end to their contempt and anger.

19 “So if it please the king, we suggest that you issue a written decree, a law of the Persians and Medes that cannot be revoked. It should order that Queen Vashti be forever banished from the presence of King Xerxes, and that the king should choose another queen more worthy than she. 20 When this decree is published throughout the king’s vast empire, husbands everywhere, whatever their rank, will receive proper respect from their wives!”

21 The king and his nobles thought this made good sense, so he followed Memucan’s counsel. 22 He sent letters to all parts of the empire, to each province in its own script and language, proclaiming that every man should be the ruler of his own home and should say whatever he pleases.

different people view this situation different ways... we can either see vashti's disobedience.. or we can see the king's ridiculousness in his request and response...

the truth of it is.. we cannot control someone else's actions.. we can only control our own actions... we cannot make someone else do what we feel is right... even if we really are right... but our own responsibility before God is to do the right thing ourselves... I can absolutely understand her not wanting to be put on display.. especially if the truth was that she was to go wearing nothing at all but the crown... but.. if she was obedient... who would the truth of the shame and blame been upon? truly.. he would have ended up mad that everyone saw her naked.. that the other men desired her... and.. she would have been seen as submissive and beautiful to the whole nation.. instead she is remembered most for her disobedience... she had influence to upset the households of an entire nation.. all the women would be influenced by what she did.. whether right or wrong.. do we really notice how many people are watching us and possibly following in our footsteps.. and how important it is for us to do the right thing...

now truly.. I don't feel this king was right in what he wanted... he was drunk and was showing her off like she was a new car... but... what is her real responsibility biblically... my opinion is that her responsibility was to be obedient to him... he would have looked like a fool in the end for even requesting it.. and she would have came out looking like the golden woman... this one act of disobedience cost her the crown.. her family.. finances.. home... everything.. she was banished from the kingdom.. for one act of disobedience...

while I was going through what I went through with God for the past 2 years.. and I feared that He was never going to fix my situation.. meaning I would just lose my future behind it... and it was really an eye opening experience to know... really know... that God doesn't have to forgive us.. He doesn't have to fix things for us.. and if we realize that.. we probably will be far more cautious with our decisions.. at least I know it has done that for me anyways... I am SO THANKFUL that God is the God of so many many chances... I pray that God will help me to be obedient in all situations.. I pray that if someone makes bad decisions for me.. that He will come and rescue me.. and that in my obedience.. I will retain my rightful place and not be banished from the kingdom... I pray that I use my influence of others to show what a true christian woman should be.. I pray that people see Christ in me at all times..

Ecclesiastes 7: 26 I discovered that a seductive woman is a trap more bitter than death. Her passion is a snare, and her soft hands are chains. Those who are pleasing to God will escape her, but sinners will be caught in her snare.
27 “This is my conclusion,” says the Teacher. “I discovered this after looking at the matter from every possible angle. 28 Though I have searched repeatedly, I have not found what I was looking for. Only one out of a thousand men is virtuous, but not one woman! 29 But I did find this: God created people to be virtuous, but they have each turned to follow their own downward path.”

well.. I don't know about you.. but I found this to be an amazing scripture.. how often do we think it is the man that is not virtuous.. that is the experience we have had.. that is the truth that we have known.. yet scripturally... it says it is the woman that is not virtuous... that was a shocker for me...

but is it....

look back over your life... we have used our 'womanhood' to manipulate men.. to change them.. (even if only for the time being) to trap them.. to keep them... to hurt them...

honestly.. if we think about it.. men almost fall into being with women.. we on the other hand.. plan it out... we think about it ahead of time.. and then we walk forward.. usually men don't think it out.. it is there and they fall into it.. then they can't seem to figure out how to get away from it... a man will rarely sleep with someone just to hurt you... that may be the result.. but usually not the intention...

only one man out of a thousand is virtuous... but not one woman... that really stings...

God created people to be virtuous but they have each turned to follow their own downward path..

that has been true of me.. I am on God's path now.. but truly I was on my own path in the past...

I am thankful that God is the God of a second and third and fourth chance.. maybe I was not promiscuous in my life.. but I was also not virtuous.. virtuous is both morally and ethically excellent.. I have not been that....

but thankfully.. I am on the path for it now! Thank you Jesus for life changing power and grace and mercy and forgiveness... Thank you for giving us a lifetime to get it right..

leaders are chosen by God...

1 In the first year of King Cyrus of Persia, the LORD fulfilled the prophecy he had given through Jeremiah. He stirred the heart of Cyrus to put this proclamation in writing and to send it throughout his kingdom:
2 “This is what King Cyrus of Persia says: “The LORD, the God of heaven, has given me all the kingdoms of the earth. He has appointed me to build him a Temple at Jerusalem, which is in Judah. 3 Any of you who are his people may go to Jerusalem in Judah to rebuild this Temple of the LORD, the God of Israel, who lives in Jerusalem. And may your God be with you! 4 Wherever this Jewish remnant is found, let their neighbors contribute toward their expenses by giving them silver and gold, supplies for the journey, and livestock, as well as a voluntary offering for the Temple of God in Jerusalem.” 5 Then God stirred the hearts of the priests and Levites and the leaders of the tribes of Judah and Benjamin to go to Jerusalem to rebuild the Temple of the LORD. 6 And all their neighbors assisted by giving them articles of silver and gold, supplies for the journey, and livestock. They gave them many valuable gifts in addition to all the voluntary offerings. 7 King Cyrus himself brought out the articles that King Nebuchadnezzar had taken from the LORD’s Temple in Jerusalem and had placed in the temple of his own gods. 8 Cyrus directed Mithredath, the treasurer of Persia, to count these items and present them to Sheshbazzar, the leader of the exiles returning to Judah.

I don't really think we understand submission and leadership.... one of the things God has taught me is that the leader really isn't leading.. it is God leading through the leader.. so we as people decide that a leader really doesn't know what he is doing... and we have such a better way of doing things if they would only listen to us... yet biblically.. God is saying that HE is leading us through the leader... so we are really telling God that our way is better than His.. and truly.. haven't we done that hundreds of times and ended up in a mess!

God used a pagan king to financially support Him moving His people back to Jerusalum... someone who didn't have knowledge of God or serve Him... yet somehow we determine that God can't move someone and God can't or won't get things done.. at least not to our satisfaction.. so maybe the real issue is.. we are looking for and wanting things to be done the way that is not God's way...

I am in full belief that if we could sit down and relax sometimes it would greatly be to our benefit.. and probably all those around us too.. LOL!

Isaiah 7: 3 Then the LORD said to Isaiah, “Take your son Shear-jashub and go out to meet King Ahaz. You will find him at the end of the aqueduct that feeds water into the upper pool, near the road leading to the field where cloth is washed. 4 Tell him to stop worrying. Tell him he doesn’t need to fear the fierce anger of those two burned-out embers, King Rezin of Syria and Pekah son of Remaliah. 5 Yes, the kings of Syria and Israel are plotting against him, saying, 6 ‘We will attack Judah and capture it for ourselves. Then we will install the son of Tabeel as Judah’s king.’ 7 But this is what the Sovereign LORD says:
“This invasion will never happen; it will never take place; 8 for Syria is no stronger than its capital, Damascus, and Damascus is no stronger than its king, Rezin. As for Israel, within sixty-five years it will be crushed and completely destroyed. 9 Israel is no stronger than its capital, Samaria, and Samaria is no stronger than its king, Pekah son of Remaliah. Unless your faith is firm, I cannot make you stand firm.”

there is a leadership saying that a ministry will never rise above it's head.. it is called the law of the lid... of course this is true in general.. the family will never rise above the head.. the job will never rise above the boss... in this scripture the bible is saying that a country cannot rise above the king... basically the same thing...

the part that struck me is the unless your faith is firm, I cannot make you stand firm...

I think that God is telling this king that if he doesn't believe God when He tells him that they will not defeat this king.. then God cannot make Him stand on it... God cannot give us peace or comfort when we refuse to believe what He tells us... if God says that He is our provider and we constantly worry about provision.. then we will never have faith in Him being the provider...

what good does it do for God to give us promises and we don't believe them...

that is not having faith and believing that He is in control.. I would suggest that we all have particular areas in which we are not allowing God to have control... and in not allowing Him to be in control.. we are actually not believing He will take care of us in this area.. we are not trusting Him.. our faith is not firm...

I think we all have areas where our faith IS strong and we have no doubts.. but we also have other areas where our faith is not strong and we are weak and wavering... how can God make us firm if we refuse to believe in Him... He cannot stengthen our faith and show us that He is trustworthy in what He says He will do if we will not allow Him to show us that He is true to His word... our faith gets strengthened by God proving Himself to us..

I want to be able to stand firm.. I want my faith to be firm... I want God to be able to help me to stand firm when I am feeling weak... I am thankful for the word of God! I am thankful for His voice! I am thankful for His love for me and for you too!

you are beautiful....

song of solomon 4: 1 You are beautiful, my darling, beautiful beyond words. Your eyes are like doves behind your veil. Your hair falls in waves, like a flock of goats winding down the slopes of Gilead.

every morning I read a few verses of the bible before I get in the bathtub... then I think about them a while... when I opened my bible this morning.. this was the verse before me...

I thought.. how awesome for God to think I am beautiful... I had never been told I am beautiful... I was always told I was sexy... but now.. many times people.. both women and men will tell me I am beautiful..

I think it has nothing to do with my appearance.. I think it is my spirit... I think when we are beautiful on the inside.. it shines out to the outward... this has nothing to do with me of course.. I cannot make my spirit beautiful.. this is the spirit God has put in me since I have been changed...

my prayer this morning was for God to continue to re-create me into His image... and I guess as I think about it.. that is the thing that is making me appear to be beautiful to Him.. to look like God... or at least a slight resemblance.. one that is constantly growing and becoming more like Him...

so this day.. I say to you... that you are beautiful...

faith vs. positive thinking...

Job 13: 15 God might kill me, but I have no other hope. I am going to argue my case with him.

Psalms 94: 18 I cried out, “I am slipping!” but your unfailing love, O LORD, supported me. 19 When doubts filled my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer.

what is our faith or our hope really built on? I was listening to a song this morning and that is what put this thought in my head... 'but our hope endures the worst of conditions, it's more than just our optimism, let the earth quake, our hope remains unchanged. Emanuel God is with us, El Shaddai all Sufficient. we never walk alone... '

we can read self help books over and over about thinking positively.. about believing the best.. but if we have nothing to back it up.. the resolve will fade.. yet with God.. no matter what goes on.. no matter how dark the night.. eventually a glimmer of light will come back on.. He will not allow us to sulk in our misery forever.. He will remind us once again that He is the one in control.. that He has our best interest at heart...

I cannot imagine living without the hope and the faith that God puts within us.. the spark of Life that He releases in the worst of conditions... God may kill me.. but I have no other hope...

this is based on judges 17-18... there is a man whose mother has some idols made in his honor to worship as if they are worshipping God... so the man has idols in his house.. he hires a priest to be his personal priest.. a levite... and twice in the scripture it states that in those days there was no king and the people did whatever they felt was right...

so I am thinking... it was odd to me that they don't just follow the law of Moses at this time.. I find it odd that they felt they needed a king to lead them... I find it odd that they substitute a king with a priest... yet often that seems to be biblically God's choice... I did not have a good example of leadership in my lifetime.. my father was moody and miserable.. he did not talk at all.. he was a very depressed man... he didn't lead us anywhere.. of course my kids' dad was a horrendous and non existant leader... so because of these examples I have led my family... at the time I felt I did a pretty good job.. but in retrospect I find that I did not... even now... I am following what I believe God would have me to do.. but I often wonder if I am in the right direction...

the bible tells us that a man is the head.. period... I think we often turn into leaders because of circumstance and situation.. because of control issues.. because we like power.. but biblically.. a woman is to have a head... I wonder sometimes if the more I submit my own will to God's... is this when I am becoming less of a leader... and more willing to accept having a head in my life...

this doesn't mean I think I have lost my skills as a leader.. I am still an organized person and well able to run a ministry.. but now.. I prefer to have someone else above me... someone I can talk things over with.. someone to give me their ideas and thoughts about how things could be done differently.. I used to not be open to hearing anything from anyone.. now I welcome another persons side of something...

I am looking forward to having a king in my house.. to me stepping down and being satisfied.. even happy to just be the queen God created me to be..

seeing God's glory...

John 11: 32 When Mary arrived and saw Jesus, she fell at his feet and said, “Lord, if only you had been here, my brother would not have died.” 33 When Jesus saw her weeping and saw the other people wailing with her, a deep anger welled up within him, and he was deeply troubled. 34 “Where have you put him?” he asked them. They told him, “Lord, come and see.” 35 Then Jesus wept. 36 The people who were standing nearby said, “See how much he loved him!” 37 But some said, “This man healed a blind man. Couldn’t he have kept Lazarus from dying?” 38 Jesus was still angry as he arrived at the tomb, a cave with a stone rolled across its entrance. 39 “Roll the stone aside,” Jesus told them. But Martha, the dead man’s sister, protested, “Lord, he has been dead for four days. The smell will be terrible.” 40 Jesus responded, “Didn’t I tell you that you would see God’s glory if you believe?”

so I read a devotional this morning that said when her husband died.. she felt like God didn't really love her... and my initial thought was... that is ridiculous... there will always be death and life both in our lives.. to imagine God doesn't love us because someone died is silly... but is it??

isn't that really what our funk is about sometimes? things happen in our lives that we think shouldn't have and we get to thinking that God doesn't want something good for us... or that His idea of good is vastly different than ours.. and don't we really get to feeling sorry for ourselves and feeling like God doesn't really care about what we are going through... I will admit that I do...

and again I state that it is ridiculous... even though I am the one feeling it sometimes...

that is like saying when we spank our children that we don't love them anymore.. or if they fell we don't care because we allowed them to fall... that is just silly.. things are going to happen that we didn't want to deal with.. things are going to hurt us sometimes.. the real question is.. do we allow the situation to make us better.. or do we wallow in self pity and become bitter...

maybe there is a situation that we think is killing us... maybe it really is killing something in us.. maybe that is the purpose for it.. that something ugly in us will die... but just like Jesus brought lazarus back to life.. we too will have life again.. if we keep on keeping on.. keep on trusting Him.. keep on believing He is good...

that is when we see God's glory.. when He brings life out of our dead situations...

no longer uncommitted...

Hosea 6: 6 I want you to show love, not offer sacrifices. I want you to know me more than I want burnt offerings.

all of us are on this 'love walk' that God has put in our lives... it is easy for me to say that not everyone is on the same walk.. not everyone seems to be led to love at all times.. it is easy to say because not everyone lives as if they have ever heard that message... I myself only heard this message from God over the past few years.. but is that the truth? or do we ALL have the same call which is to love like Christ loved.. but maybe we refuse that message...

1 “Come, let us return to the Lord. He has torn us to pieces; now he will heal us. He has injured us; now he will bandage our wounds. 2 In just a short time he will restore us, so that we may live in his presence. 3 Oh, that we might know the Lord! Let us press on to know him. He will respond to us as surely as the arrival of dawn or the coming of rains in early spring.”
4 “O Israel and Judah, what should I do with you?” asks the Lord. “For your love vanishes like the morning mist and disappears like dew in the sunlight. 5 I sent my prophets to cut you to pieces— to slaughter you with my words, with judgments as inescapable as light. 6 I want you to show love, not offer sacrifices. I want you to know me more than I want burnt offerings. 7 But like Adam, you broke my covenant and betrayed my trust.

this is really a description of my life with God in the past... I would walk away from Him.. searching for what I thought would fulfill me.. then I would be broken down.. repent and come back to Him.. and He would fix everything.. then slowly I would ease back into searching for something else... I truly had broken His covenant and His trust...

I am so thankful that this is no longer my relationship with God... that now I do really know Him.. really seek Him above all other things.. I have learned that nothing and no one can satisfy my soul like God does... that nothing can give me peace like Him.. I can have relationships or belongings and they can bring pleasure for a moment.. but at some point.. that fades.. and again.. the thing I really seek is God... He is my whole being... I am completely committed to Him...
God wants to love us.. He wants us to know Him... that is a great thing too.. that the God of the Universe would love me and want me to know Him and He feels the same way about each of us...

why do we follow Christ?

one morning in a devotional from Charles Stanley.. he asks the question.. why do you follow God? is it for what you can receive or what you can give... and that really struck me... what is it that really keeps us following God?

we have to admit.. that while we realize that we will have work to do for God.. much of our following is about what He does for us... we don't like to say that.. it is ugly to admit.. but it is the truth... we don't want to be a sacrifice on God's altar.. we don't want to be a martyr... we want Him to protect us.. to love us.. to take care of us.. to prosper us... but what are we really thinking that we are doing for Him?...

even in a vision or a plan for our future.. are we really thinking about all it will cost us.. or are we thinking about what we will gain... as much as I wish I could say I am thinking of what great things I can do for God.. that is a lie.. that may be a result.. but I also want what I imagine will be good.. be pleasing.. make me happy... so our real thoughts are on what we receive far more than what we are to give... and.. when we do think about how much it will cost us.. that tends to make us feel sorry for ourselves.. to make us think oh woe is me.. do we really think Jesus walked around feeling sorry for himself daily like we do.. and yet he knew all along that he would be dying so that we might live..

I am thinking I really need to rethink or renew my mind.. because I have often been told by God that none of this is about me.. it is all for Him.. and if we are focused on what we receive from something.. then how is it God getting the glory for it?

I had often wondered how God would be receiving the glory for my life... it appears now that maybe it is because I am so cease living for self.. and begin living for kingdom completely... thereby being a true living sacrifice... and all the glory going to God...

sometimes I think about sarah and the promise God gave her of a child and how for 25 years she waited... I wonder.. did she wait like I wait? sometimes confused and unsure.. or was she always sure of what God had said... did she go through periods where she thought that she must have been wrong.. maybe it was her own mind thinking it and not really God speaking... or did she just stand strong all those years.. sure and waiting on God to decide it was the right time and move on her behalf.. open her womb and give her the child that she believed for...

I get days that I am unsure of the vision I once saw so clearly... but usually right after the confusion.. I am reminded.. and I am sure that God really did say this to me... sometimes I think that if I had someone who was agreeing with me.. that saw the same vision.. would it be easier to be sure.. or would there still be days of unsurity... and I think I would still get unsure.. I would still have good days.. and bad days... I think that is the way of faith.. I think our faith is strengthened by days going by... I think that if it were not of God that it surely would have died in my heart by now... that I would not still be holding on to this idea.. this vision.. this sight... this purpose...

I think that is one way that we can be very sure that something is from God and not our own desires... we cannot let it go... truth told.. this vision is not something I would have chosen on my own.. I am secure in my own life.. I don't really want all these changes that God has put in my heart... yet I know that in the long run.. lives may be changed because of His vision... so you don't have the ability to decide you don't want it... you continue on.. believing in God.. waiting on His Hand to move on your behalf.. waiting for Him to fulfill the vision.. because you know this is nothing that you can do on your own...

praying in the wilderness...

Luke 5: 16 But Jesus often withdrew to the wilderness for prayer.

I often wonder why it is that we put off time alone with God... time in prayer... yet even Jesus OFTEN withdrew for prayer...

idk about you.. but when I take even 15 minutes.. and just sit in silence before God.. read maybe a few scripture verses.. regardless about what... and just meditate on God.. on His goodness. His greatness.. just who He is... I immediately feel peace overtake me... yet whatever the reason... even though we know it works.. we still allow ourselves to forsake time alone with God...

we are really some silly people...

and this particular verse says.. Jesus withdrew to the wilderness... when I think of wilderness.. I think of a terrible place.. a place where I am wandering around aimlessly without answers.. without rest... is is possible.. that God puts us in the wilderness for exactly the opposite of that... maybe He puts us in the wilderness so that we can spend time in prayer and get some answers... so that we can stop striving so hard and just rest... we know in the wilderness we are pretty much lost without Him anyways... so the point is maybe we can use this time to pray and rest and get some insight...

instead of seeing the wilderness as a bad place.. maybe it is a place of comfort and peace...

Psalms 41:9 Even my close friend, someone I trusted, one who shared my bread, has turned against me.

I have always... been strange about friends.. I have always only called one or two people friends... and I am still able to be just as close as ever with people who I grew up with yet rarely talk to... for me.. friendship is not based on how often you talk to someone.. it is based on trust... if I can't trust you.. I find it hard to love you...

I have been given the gift of seeing the spirit within a person... almost always.. my initial positive or negative feel for a person is exactly right... yet sometimes.. I get sidetracked by the fact that I like someone.. and I get deceived by them... not because God didn't warn me.. but because I refused to see it.. because I like the person... this has only ever happened to me a few times in my life... normally.. I will go with my initial feeling.. but sometimes for whatever circumstance.. I am almost bound to be around someone.. whether it be family or whatever... that is when I get sucked under...

I have learned once again.. trust the inner voice of the Lord.. He will never steer you wrong..

secrets...

Mark 4: 22 For everything that is hidden will eventually be brought into the open, and every secret will be brought to light.

idk about you.. but I don't really want all my secrets brought out to the light.. at least not the bad ones... the good ones can come out any time... what is it that makes us do things and then think no one will ever find out? it has been my experience.. that every thing we do thinking no one will ever know.. eventually comes out... so why do we do things that we want no one to know about? why do we do things that we are ashamed of before man... obviously God knew about it to begin with.. so what makes us think no one will find out... bigger than the finding out.. what makes us do it at all....

even as far back as adam and eve.. they somehow imagined that God would not know that they listened to the enemy.. that they sinned... that somehow they would get away with it...

I think all of this goes back to satan's battle for our mind... he lets us imagine that we can get away with no one finding out that we did something we shouldn't have... then other people end up getting hurt from our actions... we are silly... truly we need to stop doing the things that we would be ashamed of someone knowing about... because surely... everything done in the dark will come to the light... every secret will be told.. and we will have to suffer the consequences of it.. along with anyone else that is important to us...

live righteously.. in the dark and in the light.. as best we can...

trusting God to protect you...

Deuteronomy 23: 14 For the LORD your God moves about in your camp to protect you and to deliver your enemies to you. Your camp must be holy, so that he will not see among you anything indecent and turn away from you.

daily I seem to keep learning a lesson in trusting in God... I keep thinking that I am to protect myself from being hurt.. I am to avoid situations where I may get used or abused.. but this is not what I am hearing from God... what I am hearing is nothing I have ever heard in church before...

I am learning.. God is my protector.. my shield and my fortress.. He is the one that will not allow the enemy to overtake me... I am to open myself up to people.. to show them through my own love who Christ really is.. and not be so concerned about protecting myself.. God will be my protector...

and I am to remain holy so that He will not turn away from me... although I know that holiness is not popular...yet it is the will of God.. the way of righteousness...

I believe this is how Jesus lived His life too... He did not come against anyone at all.. He allowed people to use and abuse Him.. trusting that in the end.. God will get all the glory for His life...

trusting in God is possibly the hardest thing I have ever done.. along with loving others... believing that God will be the one who protects my heart...