tired of being tired...

yesterday is the last day of yesterday...

as of today... God can do whatever He so desires... and I will accept it... but I am done chasing after it or looking for it...

no matter what the future holds, God has changed me into a better person.. He has transformed my mind and my actions... I no longer am the same person that I used to be.. I am a new creature in Christ, all the way down to my soul...

and whatever He decides is His will... I will be good with it...

what is down deep?

we are having a stewardship series at my church this month... and he asks anyone who is not financially stable to sign up for a budgeting class at the church to be held this week... and as I cannot manage my way out of a wet paper bag... I will go... but this is my true thoughts on the issue...

bad financial management is really not about a budget... come on now... I feel like anyone can write down what your bills are and manage out which pay you should be paying what bill... we also can figure out that we need to let this go or that go in order to be able to pay what we need to pay... the troubles come because first of all you don't want to give up what you can't afford... even if it is the right thing... even if you get them to give up what they can't afford... as soon as there is light at the end of the tunnel... because they are impulse shopper/spenders... they will think they can buy something they really can't afford...

but the true root of this is deeper than finances... that is just the outlet it is showing up in... here is my own sad story...
Jesus has pulled me out of financial distress over and over... but I keep ending up back in it...
my first trouble is my love language is gifts... so I keep buying myself stuff to make me feel loved... (did I just say that out loud???) some days I will even use the excuse that Jesus is buying it for me (cause God knows He is the one that will be paying for it...) (fyi... I need a new love language...)
my second trouble is (this one is for you Rev. George Miller who so kindly pointed this one out to me...) low self esteem... here is the explanation...
when I was in the world... my value came from my looks... (in my head anyways...) so I dressed sexy and got attention from men and hate from women... so I spent all my money feeding this 'look'...
when I got in the church... I looked sexy, so I didn't fit in... so I changed this... now I dress more conservatively and fit in with the church women and the women give me attention and the men ignore me cause I don't draw attention (usually... sexy still comes out every now and then...)so... I feel like I have to be the best dressed unattractive church woman ever... feeling like if I can't get attention from men because I am gorgeous... at least I can get it from women because they are hating...
trust me... I do not do any of this stuff on purpose... this is all subconscious.. I mean for real now... no one intentionally does crazy stuff like this...

so... the dilemma is... I guess I will go to this class because it is the right thing to do... and Jesus will dig me out of this hole one more time... but unless the root issues are dealt with... I will be right back in it... sadly enough...

you know... some people just don't have a gift with everything... you know, we all have strengths and weaknesses... money management is NOT my strength... the husband Jesus has prepared for me will have to be good at it and I will promise not to argue with him about what he says I can't spend...

the seductress...

Proverbs 5:3-6 The lips of a seductive woman are oh so sweet,her soft words are oh so smooth.But it won't be long before she's gravel in your mouth, a pain in your gut, a wound in your heart.She's dancing down the primrose path to Death; she's headed straight for Hell and taking you with her.She hasn't a clue about Real Life, about who she is or where she's going.

my daughter was home for the weekend.. she sees a woman that she does not know and asks me who she is and I tell her the woman's name and she says mom, you know what I'm asking you... and I say what do you see? she said she has a bad spirit... I say, do you recognize what the spirit is? she said no but it seems to have the jaws of death on it... I say the spirit is lust...

this morning on my way into work... God said to me... the spirit on that woman is the spirit that men are being warned about in proverbs... about a woman that will eat you alive and you cannot seem to get away from her... and I say ooooohhhhhh... with recognition... then He says... that is the same spirit you used to have... then I say woooowwwwwww...

the lesson in this to me is that if there is something you see in someone else that bothers you very badly... it may very well be something that you carry or that you used to carry... and as we tend to judge someone else... instead we should be praying that they are delivered, just as God in His power and mercy chose to deliver me... where I used to have no emotion, just physical desire, now I am able to open my heart up and love someone... that is a great gift that God has given me... it started with a softened heart... He removed in me the heart of stone and replaced it with a heart of flesh... I pray that God will allow this other woman to learn what love really is and to be blessed in her life with love and able to let go of the coldness and misery of lust... in Jesus' name. amen. amen. amen.

stewardship...

most times when we think of stewardship... we think of money... and that is valid because the handling or mis-handling of our finances is part of stewardship and we are to be a good steward of all God bestows upon us...

but stewardship is greater than that... it also has to do with our relationships... we like to think that someone is ours and that is never the case... no matter what the relationship... the other person is still God's and only given to us on loan.. and we are to be a good steward of that relationship...

we can say this is the case in marriage... the marriage is not ours, it is God's and if we do not properly manage it... God may take it from us... we are to treat one another with love and respect... wives are to submit themselves to the husband "as unto God"... women don't want to hear that... but it is in the bible, I promise you.. husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave his life for it... if a man loves you like Christ loves the church, and you are not trying to run things... God is the head of the marriage... everything might turn out all right..

our children are also only on loan to us from God... I have a son that has so far to date... been in alot of trouble... he was raised the same as the daughter attending Spelman College... but he is different than she is... I do not love either one more than the other... my son has seizures... and one day God said to me... who are you that you think I would not take your son, when I gave my only son? and I am reminded of this from time to time and although it is very painful for me to imagine... all I can do is say Thy will be done... I have done all that I could do in my relationships with my children... I have not always done the right thing.. but I have raised them in the ways of God and I have to believe that when they are old they will not depart from them... I pray that God has decided that I have been a good steward of my relationships with my children and if He so chooses to take my son... as man took His... all I can do is pray he is saved and will go to heaven...

what people see...

Matthew 25:40 The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'

my church is in what some people would call a bad neighborhood... I have found in life experiences that what most people consider a bad area is really one of the safest places to be... the streets protect their own.. now if you are not of the street... well... that may be another story...

last night I was crossing the street in front of the church and one of the neighborhood women asked me if the church would be feeding people soon... I was confused because my church does not feed people... she said don't they have a dinner for thanksgiving? I said yes they do. (now in reality the dinner is a gift from the pastor to the members.. but he is a Good man and would not mind an extra mouth I am believing) so it is lightly raining out and she has only a tank top on and no umbrella and I tell her it is cold out and she needs to get in from the rain... she said yes, that she only lived around the block... I ask her does she come to our church? she said no, that is only for the rich people... that broke my heart... I told her no, that is not true... the church is open to everyone... she said maybe I will try again... I say you are welcome to find me and sit with me... she said thank you and went on down the street...

what is the image you are portraying to people? God expects us to be warm and welcoming... loving... we are the only image of God's love that some people will ever see... what is your image? I pray that mine is shining of Christ's love...

grace vs. righteousness...

2 Samuel 22:21 The LORD has dealt with me according to my righteousness; according to the cleanness of my hands he has rewarded me.

Isaiah 26:10 Though grace is shown to the wicked, they do not learn righteousness; even in a land of uprightness they go on doing evil and regard not the majesty of the LORD.

I think many of us are looking at our salvation wrong. I think that we sometimes think that we can do whatever we want and God's grace will cover us and we will continue to walk in salvation of the Lord.

I am thinking differently than this. I am thinking that maybe we are not saved until we are willing to give up sin for salvation.

I have been "saved" since I was about 5 years old, but did not walk in righteousness. Of course there have been times throughout my life that I did walk in righteousness, but ended up going back to the ways of the flesh. I think that while I was trying to be righteous, I was doing it in my own power and so I could not really retain the change.

When we really have salvation from God, through the death of His Son on the cross, we are thankful and desire to please God. Then we begin to desire righteousness. There is nothing we can do of our own power to make us sinfree or righteous, but God in His grace, will change the desires of our hearts so that we are willing to give up the pleasures of the flesh and the pleasures of sinfulness. Then we can begin to walk in righteousness of God, not man. Grace is what covers us as we strive to be what God has called us to be, but we sometimes fall short. We will never be able to work our way into heaven or into God's grace. If we strive to do better each day, with a prayer on our lips, asking God to give us the grace this day to do His will, not our own... maybe we can make changes and be a window of light to the fallen world. If we strive to be a window in which Christ can shine out of our hearts onto others, maybe we can help others to find true salvation also.

Let us all this day, strive to be more like Christ and less like man. Father create in me a clean heart and clean hands this day.

battling a beast...

I have been recently battling a horrible beast called depression... I have nothing to be depressed about... truly... compared to many people... I have no problems... and all of the problems that I do struggle with I created on my own...

I tend to be fairly good humored... I don't deal with alot of depression... there was a time in the past when I was unable to even get out of bed because of depression... in my own experience... the times that I was depressed were times I was out of the will of God... when I got back to where God wanted me to be... then the depression lifted...

I don't believe that I am in that same situation right now... and if I am... it is nothing that I can control on my own... I need the hand of God to move me forward... I have gone as far as I can go on my own...

so I stay on my face in prayer... and I keep my spirit light by praising and worshipping... and I wait upon the hand of God to move... thank you Father... for Your love and kindness unto me... I praise You at all times...

it's not about me...

you know, I like to imagine that I am pretty close to God in relationship... that we are close... then He slaps me upside the head and lets me know that I am not nearly as wonderful as I would like to think...

I have been alone for a long time... apparently (according to God...) I have spent much of this time focused on me... and what I want... and how I think... and what I feel or don't feel... and He is telling me... it's not about me...

I can't imagine much of anything I would like to hear less than that... we are raised to believe that we are supposed to find someone to take care of us... then if that doesn't work out.. we figure out that we can take care of ourselves and we need no one... again... keeping the focus on me...

this is not the ways of God... God thinks that everything we are... everything we have... is to be used to the glory of the kingdom of God... and the focus is to be on others... not on ourselves... it's not about me being happy... it's not about me being comfortable... it's not about me having knowledge or gifts or wisdom... all of it is about God's kingdom... everything I am... everything I have... everything I do is to bring glory to God...

we are always so focused on our personal comfort. we never advance the kingdom of God because we cannot get past our own misery. we cannot be used because we do not look at God's view, only our own... we are not looking at people as an opportunity to minister by action or by word... we are looking at them as an annoyance... we are so busy as a people struggling to advance ourselves, that we cannot be advanced because we are stepping on too many heads on the way up...
desire for attention is really an ugly beast that apparently has to be put to death daily... we are to be meek and humble in spirit... yet we often practically scream out look at me... look at me... even when it is not intentional... even when we do not mean to do so... yet we do... we use our looks... we use our biblical knowledge... we use our personality... we use our family name... we use our problems... we use so many things... trying to draw attention to ourselves... the attention is to be drawn to God and the kingdom of God... not us... one day... day by day... we will get a clue.... (sorry if this sounded directed at anyone else... it is not... this was all about what is wrong with me...)

help me Father to be all about You and none about me...

what are you receiving?

do we really realize that whatever we allow into our mind... we are receiving...

the mind is the true battlefield of this spiritual warfare we are in...

realize just how much easier it is to receive an image than it is to cast it out... if we see something ugly... we somehow see this over and over in our minds... and we keep on talking to these people... we keep on reading these emails... we keep on with out change... what sense does that make?

why do we not instead seek out good things? things of love and of life? our friends should be people who speak life... not death... our house should be a place of refuge from the ugliness of this world... not a place of anger and strife...

this world can be a different place... each one of us needs to sow seeds... seeds of love... seeds of peace... seeds of forgiveness... seeds of kindness... seeds of compassion...

let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me...