death and resurrection...

I think that I thought we have to die to self.. then we are born in God... better said die to the world... today I would say that death and resurrection comes repeatedly throughout our lifetime... I think we do it in stages.. much like everything else in this life.. God only gives us what we can handle at the time.. while we are thinking we can't handle what it is we are going through at the time... then when we have adjusted to that... He adds another death and resurrection....

I believe I died to the 'ways' of the world first... like.. I gave up the drinking and the going to the club and fornication/adultery... and I assure you... I thought that was going to kill me physically.... but it didn't... so then a while later.. there was another death... and I gave up what I wanted for my future and said I will do what God wants me to do... again.. I thought I would die physically... but I didn't... and so on... so this weekend.. I died to ministry/vision... and I am resurrecting in relationship.... idk how it happens that you get caught up in the 'work' of God and lose focus of God.. but it does...

God told me a few weeks ago that all other relationships will never become stronger than my relationship with Him.. now at the time.. I was thinking.. hmmm... that is good.. then I will not have to worry about putting anything before Him... WRONG... that isn't quite how it seems to work... I am finding out... nothing will ever survive if I try to make it stronger than my relationship with Him... example being... if I love the work I am doing at the church so much that it becomes my focus.. then the ministry will begin to fall apart.... and it will not be resurrected until it falls back in place behind God... this could even be the truth of loving the worship service.. and I do love the worship service.. I could be at church every night... but that cannot take the place of my time alone with God.. my dates with Him... I still need a date night with my Father... to spend time just Him and I... no one else.. nothing else... just quiet time being in love...

this has been the cycle of the Israelites throughout the bible... they often became involved with other things and then they were defeated... then they turn back to God and everything is restored and righted... this is obviously the cycle of my own life too... and yesterday while completely defeated.. I was thinking... would I ever go back to the club or drinking? and the answer is no... I no longer belong there... I had often thought that I would return to sex given the chance... I find that is not the truth either... the idea of someone being that close to me is now terrifying... and I no longer have the ability to shut off my heart.. or at least I am unwilling to do it... I guess the truth of it is.. I belong no where.. the only place I really belong is with Jesus....

you wonder how we get to this place over and over.. and how we don't realize it is happening... and yet we do.. and it does...
Father keep me at your feet.. keep me at the throne... and never let me go... I love you for real... in spite of how confused I get and how often I take you for granted.. you are my refuge and my light.. you are the only one I trust...

Matthew 1: ¹⁸ This is how Jesus the Messiah was born. His mother, Mary, was engaged to be married to Joseph. But before the marriage took place, while she was still a virgin, she became pregnant through the power of the Holy Spirit. ¹⁹ Joseph, her fiancé, was a good man and did not want to disgrace her publicly, so he decided to break the engagement quietly. ²⁰ As he considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream. “Joseph, son of David,” the angel said, “do not be afraid to take Mary as your wife. For the child within her was conceived by the Holy Spirit.


I was thinking this afternoon... about something... and God brings Mary to my mind... and how she must have felt... she becomes pregnant by God.. still a virgin... all this while she is already engaged to Joseph... who know he didn't sleep with her.. yet she says she is pregnant... and he is saying that he doesn't want to publically disgrace her and so decides to break the engagement quietly... "as he considered this..."

we don't know how long he considered this... we don't know all that went on in her life or her town during this time.. I can't imagine no one at all knew... I can't imagine everyone wasn't talking about her... I would think they were... but even if no one at all knew except her and Joseph... I was thinking about how she must have felt....

first of all.. these are arranged marriages.. so there is no proof that he even loved her... just that he was committed... to the arrangement... not necessarily to her personally... I am thinking she was very hurt about all this... she was probably thinking that she didn't necessarily want this particular man... yet she was willing to go forward in it... then God comes along and she becomes pregnant... again... none of this being anything she asked for... yet she was willing to go forward in it... then this man... that has been chosen for her... gets the idea that she is not all that he imagined or expected her to be... through no fault of her own... and here she is... while he is considering all this....

I am believing that she was feeling very betrayed by this man... sure.. his feelings were understandable... but weren't hers too?... how often do we really think about how hard this was for her in the time between Joseph finding out she is betrayed and the time that he is told by God that she was telling the truth all along... it is easy to see how mad he was.. how he felt she had been untrue to him... personally... I am feeling somewhat like he was untrue to her in his actions too... I don't mean about women or anything... but he didn't believe in her... he assumed she was something less than a great gift from God...

it hurts when someone believes us to be less than what we are... I have found this in my own life.. I did nothing wrong.. I tried to be exactly who God has called me to be.. yet someone determined to see me as less than what God said I am...

this week.. I learned that my purpose is not necessarily in how things play themselves out in my life... maybe it is not a vision being fulfilled... maybe my purpose is just to shine the love of God and the light of Jesus out through my day to day life... I cannot look for a vision to make me who I am supposed to be... I cannot let my future be determined by anyone other than God Himself... and I will continue to live for Him.. I will continue to do all that God has called me to do... and I pray His light will shine out from my life.. if that is possible...

I am defeated.. I have lost my vision... I have lost my future... but I have not lost my God... and in the end.. He is all that really matters...

you are good...

Romans 15: 14 14 I am fully convinced, my dear brothers and sisters, that you are full of goodness.

when was the last time that you heard that someone thought you are full of goodness? I can tell you truthfully.. people speak of my gifts regularly.. but I can't remember the last time someone told me I was full of goodness.. if ever.. if they did... I wonder if I did not receive it... meaning I didn't believe it about myself...

so to you.. as you are reading this.. I am convinced that you are full of goodness...

while we are not who we need to be all the time.... we are able to be full of goodness because of Christ within us... Jesus loved us enough to die for us.. we are already full of goodness... the more christlike we become.. the more full of goodness we will be..

today.. just as you are... wherever you are... I am convinced that you are full of goodness... and I love you...

living in harmony...

Romans 15:  We who are strong must be considerate of those who are sensitive about things like this. We must not just please ourselves. 2 We should help others do what is right and build them up in the Lord. 3 For even Christ didn’t live to please himself. As the Scriptures say, “The insults of those who insult you, O God, have fallen on me.” 4 Such things were written in the Scriptures long ago to teach us. And the Scriptures give us hope and encouragement as we wait patiently for God’s promises to be fulfilled.
5 May God, who gives this patience and encouragement, help you live in complete harmony with each other, as is fitting for followers of Christ Jesus. 6 Then all of you can join together with one voice, giving praise and glory to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. 7 Therefore, accept each other just as Christ has accepted you so that God will be given glory.

I'm not sure I am such a harmonious person... I tend to be one of those my way or the highway types... I tend to be jealous... and while God is working on cleaning me up from these things... I am not where I need to be... LOL...

Jesus didn't live to please himself.. He lived to please God... in pleasing God.. surely He had to please others oftentimes... that is a rough thing to do.. as we stand around wanting to scream.. WHAT ABOUT ME??...  we tend to be willing to do for others as long as we are receiving something back.. although we don't see it this way... we think we do things for others and because we are good to them.. they too should be good to us.. but what if they aren't? does this change the fact of how we are to be? I don't think so.. I think we are to do for others as best we can at all times.. and if they are favorable to us.. that is great.. if they are not.. we are just learning to be more Christlike...

all that we are.. all that we do.. should be done to bring glory to God through our lives... therefore, we are able to be in harmony with everyone... (even if we don't like them...) because it is all about God.. not about me.. or you...

I'm just talking today.. voicing some thoughts...

I get really annoyed when some of the people who are in leadership of churches... are teaching things that sound more like self help than the bible... I am really talking specifically how they talk about relationships... now don't get me wrong.. we all know that I have been abused in a marriage and would not wish that upon anyone.. I say get out of the situation... but...

not all things that are hard to go through or hard to deal with are of the devil either... God uses trying situations to change us and mold us and to tell these women to leave every relationship where she isn't getting her way isn't right either.... what about the time that God has us waiting and being prepared? if we listened to these relationship leaders.. they would tell us that if you aren't being treated like a queen.. then you need to leave.. what if this really is the relationship God ordained for you.. but both of you are still maturing into the man and woman that God has called you to be... they would have you leave and move on saying NEXT....

I am so not about that and I don't see it anywhere in the bible..... the bible tells us to endure... the bible tells us that an unsaved mate can be saved by your godly example... the bible tells us that men are the head of the house.. and women are to submit to that authority...

I was so selfish and so ungodly.. before God had me in this period of purity and consecration... and CHANGE... I have turned into such a different person... I am now able to see someone else's needs instead of always what makes me comfortable... I am now able to sacrifice my own desires sometimes to help fulfill someone else's... the bible tells us to be selfless and loving.. how can we be these things if we walk away from every relationship that God is using to change us.... I am  not suggesting the other person is right in not treating you like you are a queen.. what I am saying is.... a queen is often selfish and thoughtless of anyone else... relationship needs to be a two way street.. each person in their biblical role.. he needs to lead and she needs to submit.. and we all need to be willing to change rather than run every time something gets rough or uncomfortable.... many times we focus solely on what someone else is doing that we determine to be wrong... often we need to turn the focus on to what we are doing wrong instead... we cannot change someone else.. we can only change ourselves... and usually only with the help of God... I think it is more important to only get into a God directed relationship.. than it is to keep jumping from relationship to relationship... sometimes we just have to wait on God to bring the right person into our lives instead of just going with what we like... I am of the belief that we may not initially want what God chooses for us.. but He will turn our hearts to desire it and it will be what we need rather than what we thought we wanted...

and God may not say to you exactly what He says to me... so we ALL need to be seeking the word of God for ourselves!! allow God to speak to you and tell you what direction to take instead of listening to other people's opinions all the time.. take the focus off of ourself and onto God and we may see a wonderful change take place in ourselves and the relationship altogether.... (disclaimer... it may not happen for a long time.. so you will still need to rough it until the change comes... as long as that is God's will... and not your own... )

who do I think I am?

Romans 14: ¹⁰ So why do you condemn another believer? Why do you look down on another believer? Remember, we will all stand before the judgment seat of God. ¹¹ For the Scriptures say, “‘As surely as I live,’ says the Lord,‘every knee will bend to me, and every tongue will confess and give praise to God.’”¹² Yes, each of us will give a personal account to God. ¹³ So let’s stop condemning each other. Decide instead to live in such a way that you will not cause another believer to stumble and fall.

I think about how often we... all of us.. me... look at someone and determine what is right or wrong in their life... what they should be doing compared to what they are doing... we don't want anyone telling us what we should be doing but yet we are so quick to try and tell someone else what is right for them....

verse 4 says who are you to comdemn someone else's servant... meaning.. they are a servant of God... not of you... and we will ALL stand before God and give account for what we have or have not done... so why do we think we are big enough to condemn someone else...

yet we do it daily.... we condemn them for the way they dress.. the way they talk... the way they live... what they eat or don't eat... what they drink or don't drink.. what they smoke... we are so quick to see all that is unclean with someone else.. yet we cannot see anything within ourselves...

Lord teach me to be concerned with my own walk with you... to help others as best I can.. and to not try to determine what someone else should or should not be doing.. keep me in my own lane.. in Jesus name I ask. amen.amen.amen.

the use of trouble...

1 Chronicles 4: 9 There was a man named Jabez who was more honorable than any of his brothers. His mother named him Jabez because his birth had been so painful. 10 He was the one who prayed to the God of Israel, “Oh, that you would bless me and expand my territory! Please be with me in all that I do, and keep me from all trouble and pain!” And God granted him his request.

the prayer of Jabez... he was born in pain to his mother... but then he prayed and asked God to keep him from all trouble and pain... and God granted his request...

do you think you would ever really be serious in praying to never have trouble or pain... I may be ridiculous.. but that is not a prayer I would make... I find that it is the seasons of trouble that make realize how much I need God... they keep me humble...  the times of intense pain... when  I have nothing to do but cry out to God... that reminds me to completely surrender to Him... that His will is greater than mine could ever be...

I don't do well in pain... I don't like trouble... I would possibly consider asking for a painless life... LOL (that is just truth..) but not a trouble free life... I would also get bored without trouble.. I would probably be stupid enough to go looking for it... I think that has been the truth of me in the past.. when things are too easy... I am bored.. I go looking for something... and while I would like to say that it is something of God... I admit.. it usually is not.. so when God brings little bouts of trouble to me here and there... it keeps me in line.. keeps me searching for Him... keeps me desiring His will over my own...

I don't want to live a life with no trouble... again..  I would be happy with pain free.. but not trouble free... I don't want a life FULL of trouble.. but the pieces of trouble that God brings my way to keep me focused on Him.. I am very thankful for the days of trouble.. and thankful that trouble don't last always...

so before I went to bed last night... I was thinking.. and I wasn't praying about it.. I was almost trying to hide it from God still knowing that He could see my thoughts...

when I was alone with God for that long time in 2007.. and I was so in love with Him.. and all my thoughts were about Him... and I didn't really focus on anything other than Him.. and I was SO HAPPY.... and a small part of me wanted to ask if I could give this promise away so that I could have my focus completely on Him.. but I knew it was a wrong request.. so I didn't say it.. like I said.. I was trying to hide it from Him...

so in the middle of the night.. I wake up... and I am just laying there.. and God shows me Moses coming down from the mountain with God.. and how shining his face was and how he was so 'full' of God when he came down.. so in love with God... and he gets to the bottom of the mountain.. and these people are idiots.. and surely he was thinking that he just wanted to go live with God on the mountain and never have to deal with any of the people... but God showed me.. if Moses stayed in the mountain.. only in God's presence... what good would he really be? was that worth anything? to be able to just bask in God? or was his real value in the relationship he had with the rebellious nation of Israel because of his relationship with God?

so this morning I realize.. I had that time with God to show me that I needed it.. I needed to know Him on an intimate and personal level... like a love affair.. and part of my purpose is in taking that love affair between me and God and sharing it with everyone I come in contact with...  and maybe... through my relationship with God.. someone else can gain the same thing in their own life...

Love is all you need...

Romans 13: 8 Owe nothing to anyone—except for your obligation to love one another. If you love your neighbor, you will fulfill the requirements of God’s law. 9 For the commandments say, “You must not commit adultery. You must not murder. You must not steal. You must not covet.” These—and other such commandments—are summed up in this one commandment: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” 10 Love does no wrong to others, so love fulfills the requirements of God’s law.
11 This is all the more urgent, for you know how late it is; time is running out. Wake up, for our salvation is nearer now than when we first believed. 12 The night is almost gone; the day of salvation will soon be here. So remove your dark deeds like dirty clothes, and put on the shining armor of right living. 13 Because we belong to the day, we must live decent lives for all to see. Don’t participate in the darkness of wild parties and drunkenness, or in sexual promiscuity and immoral living, or in quarreling and jealousy. 14 Instead, clothe yourself with the presence of the Lord Jesus Christ. And don’t let yourself think about ways to indulge your evil desires.

do you imagine... if we fulfill the one requirement of loving others as ourselves.. then we would basically be fulfilling all the commandments... so all of the sin we commit comes down to one thing.. we are our own god... the only one we really want to make happy is ourselves.. and we will do things on the side for others.. but only when it doesn't cost more than what we want to receive...

that is pretty big I am thinking... if I could get over myself.. I could be the woman God has called me to be... who would have thought that we are really the one that is causing all of our sin.. we try all the time to blame it on the enemy... and in fact.. it is really selfishness.... that is pretty terrible... I guess that is the whole reality of the die to self daily... learning to put others before ourselves... how strange we are taught from the time we are small that we can be anything we want.. we can have anything we want.. and all these things are contrary to the plan of God... we are supposed to be putting ourselves to the back burner and trying to help others first... or at least equally.... and we can't even accomplish that...

Father teach me to walk in your Love.. at all times.. so that I can be pleasing to you...

romans 12: 3 Because of the privilege and authority God has given me, I give each of you this warning: Don’t think you are better than you really are. Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves, measuring yourselves by the faith God has given us. 4 Just as our bodies have many parts and each part has a special function, 5 so it is with Christ’s body. We are many parts of one body, and we all belong to each other.

isn't it amazing... how we tend to build ourselves up.. how we have confidence in the wrong things.. the wrong people.. but not enough confidence and trust in God... I was very guilty of this in the past... I don't think I am truly over it.. it still arises now and again... pride.. an ugly beast...
6 In his grace, God has given us different gifts for doing certain things well. So if God has given you the ability to prophesy, speak out with as much faith as God has given you. 7 If your gift is serving others, serve them well. If you are a teacher, teach well. 8 If your gift is to encourage others, be encouraging. If it is giving, give generously. If God has given you leadership ability, take the responsibility seriously. And if you have a gift for showing kindness to others, do it gladly.

if we don't battle pride.. then we often battle low self esteem.. where we can't see any value in ourselves... we all have gifts.. we all have value.. we are all needed in the body of Christ... yet some people can't see their value at all...

funny... we see our worth in what we own.. what we look like.. but we need to see ourselves through the eyes of God.. I wonder.. if we begin to see ourselves.. and others too.. through God's eyes.. will it stop us from thinking we are too great.. or not enough.. and will it also stop us from talking about others.. because they too have value... everyone does...
9 Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. 10 Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.

if we love one another.. does that make us more like Christ.. so as we say daily how we want to be more like Christ.. what if we start by showing love to everyone... every day.... maybe we can accomplish that goal...

Lord please take our focus off of ourselves and on to you and your people... then we can balance realizing that we are worth something.. but we are not the center of the universe....

are you chosen...

Romans 9: 10 This son was our ancestor Isaac. When he married Rebekah, she gave birth to twins. 11 But before they were born, before they had done anything good or bad, she received a message from God. (This message shows that God chooses people according to his own purposes; 12 he calls people, but not according to their good or bad works.) She was told, “Your older son will serve your younger son.” 13 In the words of the Scriptures, “I loved Jacob, but I rejected Esau.”
14 Are we saying, then, that God was unfair? Of course not! 15 For God said to Moses,“I will show mercy to anyone I choose, and I will show compassion to anyone I choose.” 16 So it is God who decides to show mercy. We can neither choose it nor work for it. 17 For the Scriptures say that God told Pharaoh, “I have appointed you for the very purpose of displaying my power in you and to spread my fame throughout the earth.” 18 So you see, God chooses to show mercy to some, and he chooses to harden the hearts of others so they refuse to listen. 19 Well then, you might say, “Why does God blame people for not responding? Haven’t they simply done what he makes them do?”
20 No, don’t say that. Who are you, a mere human being, to argue with God? Should the thing that was created say to the one who created it, “Why have you made me like this?” 21 When a potter makes jars out of clay, doesn’t he have a right to use the same lump of clay to make one jar for decoration and another to throw garbage into? 22 In the same way, even though God has the right to show his anger and his power, he is very patient with those on whom his anger falls, who are destined for destruction. 23 He does this to make the riches of his glory shine even brighter on those to whom he shows mercy, who were prepared in advance for glory.

it is hard for us to imagine people who are not chosen.. but if we look around.. we all know some... people who never really have a true relationship with God.. they may go to church... but in the end.. they are not interested in knowing God or pleasing Him.. their life is really all about them being happy... funny.. I used to be one of those people... I wonder if that is where the scripture "many are called but few are chosen" come from... maybe I was called at that time... but I didn't really obey the call to be chosen.... idk... I don't pretend to understand everything...

it is hard to imagine that some people's hearts will be hardened.. that some will not be led to Christ.. not because they didn't hear the message.. but their heart was hard against it...

I don't imagine that I understand the why of my being chosen by God... I don't know what would make the Sovereign God look at me.... I am surely not much to look at... yet He did... He showed mercy and compassion and love to me.. above all love... when no one else loved me.. God still did...  and I am so thankful.... God wants me.. all the time... even when I am unloveable... and I am so thankful... truly... I could have been Esau.... but somehow I am a child of Jacob....

knowing that I could have been left behind.. makes me all the more ready to give my all to God.. to let go of all of my selfishness.. my desires of the flesh... because God could have chosen someone else instead of me.. and hardened my heart.. but He didn't and for this I will devote the rest of my days in sincere servanthood for Him...

Romans 6: 19 Because of the weakness of your human nature, I am using the illustration of slavery to help you understand all this. Previously, you let yourselves be slaves to impurity and lawlessness, which led ever deeper into sin. Now you must give yourselves to be slaves to righteous living so that you will become holy.
20 When you were slaves to sin, you were free from the obligation to do right. 21 And what was the result? You are now ashamed of the things you used to do, things that end in eternal doom. 22 But now you are free from the power of sin and have become slaves of God. Now you do those things that lead to holiness and result in eternal life. 23 For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord.

I have long been wondering about the reality of this scripture... if we all sin daily.. how are we not slaves to sin? how are we free from it.. if we keep doing it in one area or another?

one morning... after spending the weekend with the past staring me in the face... I realize I really AM free from that life... as much as I get a desire once in a while for a drink or to go to a club... I realize after this weekend.. the desire is not real... I really DON'T want to live like that.. I really don't want to go back there... so I really am free from that sinful life...

obviously that does not mean I am completely sinless... it just means  that my entire lifestyle is no longer based on sinfulness... and the desires of the flesh... I have overcome that lifestyle..  that mindset.. my mind has been transformed...

I think if we were able to become sin-free.. we would also become very judgemental and self righteous... so I am thinking that God keeps reminding us of our frailty... and keeps us dependent upon Him... to be righteous.. in spite of our weakness and flaws...

I really love Jesus today... back to the 'in love' with Him... I could never feel this love for another human.. I am so thankful that I will never have to... that I can love Jesus completely and through His love for me.. show others love too... but He is special to me... my top dog... my first Love... my forever Love... and I am thankful....

no separation...

Romans 8: 35 Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? 36 (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.”) 37 No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.
38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

I have heard this scripture many times.. I have read it many times.. I am sure I have even used it to justify a point I was trying to make to someone in conversation... but today for some reason.. I caught the reality of it's truth and power...

many times we think when things are bad that we are separated from God's love... we think that He must not love us to let us endure such things.. or if we do believe He still loves us.. many times we feel like we have done something to cause it... and I would have to say that sometimes that is the case.. sometimes there are consequences for our actions.. we reap what we sow... but other times.. we just get blindsided by situations that God has allowed in order to change something in us.. maybe He is building our faith.. maybe He is strengthening us... maybe He is teaching us to trust Him despite circumstances... and He will use these things for our good in the long run...

in verses 38-29 it states that even our fears cannot separate us from God... I would say that is something I have battled... fearing I have messed up so badly that God has turned His back on me and taken the future from me... it also says that not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love... so I guess that means.. if you see the enemy himself in full form smoking a cigarette and sitting on the end of your bed.. surely planning your demise... know that he can't.. he can't do anything God does not allow and more importantly than that.. even though he tries to point out everything that we know is wrong with us to God.. God loves us anyways... even with everything that is wrong with us... because idk about you.. but I am not always the person I should be.. and God loves me anyways... yea.. He surely wants me to do better... but He loves me in spite of what I do or do not do....

we can rest easily... God loves us every single day.. and our names are written on His hand.. so He thinks about us.. all the time.... there is no separation from the love of God...

when will we praise...

Isaiah 12 In that day you will sing: “I will praise you, O Lord! You were angry with me, but not any more. Now you comfort me. 2 See, God has come to save me. I will trust in him and not be afraid. The Lord God is my strength and my song; he has given me victory.”  3 With joy you will drink deeply from the fountain of salvation! 4 In that wonderful day you will sing: “Thank the Lord! Praise his name! Tell the nations what he has done. Let them know how mighty he is! 5 Sing to the Lord, for he has done wonderful things. Make known his praise around the world. 6 Let all the people of Jerusalem shout his praise with joy! For great is the Holy One of Israel who lives among you.”

throughout the old testament there is scripture that states.... "THEN will I praise you.. THEN will I know you are God... "

what does it take until we finally know that He is our God and we are willing to praise Him in spite of all that goes on?.. why does it take the promise coming to pass or the trouble being lifted... your heart being healed...

I was thinking of this... God doesn't have to do anything more to prove to me that He is my God.. my Father... my King.. I love God right now... before life is perfect.. if life never changes.. if it gets harder instead of easier.. still I love Him.. still I praise Him... right now... no matter what else does or does not happen... He is still God and He is surely worthy of my praise and adoration...

He has already brought me out of many things... I have much to look back at and realize that He carried me much of the way...

I choose to praise Him now.. this day.. no matter what.......

11 years ago yesterday.. 2001.. a man that I loved took his life... I was so devastated by this act that even to this day I have doubts that he did this to himself.. it is easier to believe that someone did it to him....

 

I am not prone to thoughts of suicide so I really don't understand it... obviously someone would feel like the world would be better off without them.. and they would be better off if they never woke up again....

 

if this would be the thinking.. then we really don't understand anything about this life... who do you know that can say that are not connected to anyone at all?... I can't think of anyone... there may be people like me.. who don't have a lot of intimate relationships.. yet surely someone would still be lost without every single person that was born...

 

in Jay's case.. while I could live without him.. although I was truly crushed at the time... his kids really need him.. even now.. after all this time.. and my own son was deeply affected by his death... he still has not really overcome the loss either... just think if he had lived and he used his life to the good.. how many lives could have been changed and made better...

 

he was only 28 at the time... all of that life left to live...

so I would say to anyone who is deep in depression... who thinks they are of no value at all... I would say that you are of value... maybe there are things that you should have done differently.. that is the truth of any of us... but today is a great day to change some of your mistakes and use them to influence others in a positive direction....

 

somewhere.. someone needs you.. even if you don't realize it... and even if you don't know it.. someone loves you... deeply...

lessons from a bike...

Hebrews 10: 35 So do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord. Remember the great reward it brings you! 36 Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God’s will. Then you will receive all that he has promised.

so as I was taking a cycling class on saturday morning... and these people are all really silly together.. we sing out loud together.. we yell and act like we might die together...  I realize I really enjoy spinning... not just the results but the people and the class in general... and I was thinking back to the first class I ever took.. I thought I was literally going to pass out from lack of oxygen... I thought I really could not make it through the class... gasping for air.. barely able to walk afterwards.. legs shaking....

and I thought... I made it through.. I kept pushing when I thought I could give no more... when I had nothing to give I dug deep and held on... and I made it through.. truthfully... every class is close to that same experience... while I may not be gasping for air like I was in the beginning.. each and every class is still as much of a push as the first one was... I really push myself in spinning like I have not done in any other type of class... and there are people there for me to get through it with....supporting one another...

and I realize... my walk with God.. my trials and tribulation is much the same as this...
God puts me in a situation.. I feel like I cannot go on.. I can't breathe.. I am ready to die over it... somehow.. I hang on for dear life.. and I am able to make it through...

He places people in our lives during the different trials.. that may only be there for that one trial.. or they may be there for a whole lifetime.. but we are able to support one another and laugh at each other and sing along the journey together.. and we all think we are not going to make it... but in the end we do....

there is also the pain... as I keep going forward.. I become stronger and the pain lessens... I believe this to be true in my walk with God too... I learn that He has me no matter what it looks like.. and I may have a rough day and be sore and crying... but it only lasts a few days.. then I am stronger than I was before it...

thank you Lord.. for the lessons from a bike... and from life too.. and the people I am going through this life with... I cherish each one of them.. truly...