this is my offering...

you know there is a song that says God I stand in awe of You... and all I have to offer you is myself.. this life you gave to me... and this is my offering to you, dear Lord...

and I have sang that song and believed that I would give myself to God, as a living sacrifice.. and I do so, on a daily basis... but I learn daily that to be an offering to God is a much bigger sacrifice than I realized... it is a complete offering up of my "self".. God is accepting my offering and burning me up in the fire... and the things that I thought made me strong did not make me a strong person at all... to subject yourself to the will of God for your life as a living sacrifice, in obedience and submission to whatever He allows you to be subjected to is a much bigger sacrifice than most realize... I thank God that He waited this long... and allowed me to be myself for a long time, before he decided to destroy me in His purpose... but I know that all is to the glory of the kingdom of God.. and I am so thankful to have been chosen to be a part of His will...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mpRAOS_rv7w

a man at the door...

last night a man comes to my door and tells me that he has seen me walking (and apparently followed me home...) and has a message for me from God... the message was that God wants to see more of me... I tell this man he has the wrong person... he said no.. that he was told this when he seen me... I tell him thank you and have a blessed day and shut the door...

now I am not that naive.... yes, I am pretty naive, but not THAT much... this man liked what he saw and come up with this creative way to get close to me... borderline stalker... I didn't even walk last night, so this man had been building up his game/courage for a while... BUT... as I am not one to ever discount that a message could be from God... I took some inventory last night... has my focus come off of God and onto situation? possibly somewhat... there is some physical pain involved in the situation I am speaking of, and any time you bring me to pain... I am a wuss and definitely could be losing focus of the Subject and focusing on source of pain and how to get rid of it... is there something I should be doing to make it ease up.... also, I guess I should be thankful that he came up to me talking about God instead of some things that might have gotten my attention in the past... so either my walk is right, or satan is really up on his game... (both probably being truth...)

then I read the scripture this morning... "however I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord has given me-- the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace" (acts 20:24)
is my life a living testimony to the gospel of God? of the grace He has bestowed upon me? of the love and adoration that I feel for Him?
that is my desire.... I desire to be a walking, talking image of God and His mercy and grace and love for His people...
we all need to take inventory of our lives sometimes and decide if we are living for God or for self... are we keeping the right attitude in the struggle... are we bringing glory to the name of God, even while out walking... am I the image of the God I claim to serve, or am I the image of the world in which I have to live... what is the reflection that a stranger sees in me....

what are you hiding?

we are all hiding behind something... I hide behind the past.. the things that happened to me cause me to run any time anyone or any thing gets near to my true self.. any time someone might be able to see the real me, it's time to go... and I don't even have to go anywhere to leave someone... I just shut them out... while this is my greatest strength and greatest protection, it is also my greatest weakness... I made a promise to God this morning that I would not run... I will keep my heart open to the one I have shown vulnerablity... I might quit talking, but I will not shut my heart down... and the thing that you hide... probably won't scare me the way you think it will.... I have seen it all... trust me on that one... honesty is what is needed... I can deal with what you hide, you just have to be willing to let me know what it is... what is it you are hiding behind??? if I really love you... I will love you anyways...

giving up

today, I give back to God the vision that He put in my spirit... I can't do this...

now the average person would feel like I am saying that I am done believing... but that is not the case... I am just giving it up... done trying to figure it out.. done trying to work it out...

first off, this is surely not the first time that I have given it back... this is just going to be the last time I have to... I think you get to a place where you think if I am right God... then where is it??? why can't I see it??? why can't I see anything.... (and I do mean ANYTHING...) so today Father, I say to you, it is yours... if it be THY will, then so be it... and if it is not, then so be it... I have been so worried about the physical realm of this, that I couldn't see the spirit realm of it.. last night one of the wisest men I know makes the comment that we walk not by situation (what we see), but by revelation (faith)... and this morning I realize... this really is not even MY vision... this is God's vision... and if He wants it to happen, then it will.. and if He doesn't, then I don't want it... God knows, I have lived enough of life the way God did NOT want it to be... that I don't want to live even one day out of the will of God...

secondly, satan is using physical realm to confuse me... I see spirit realm.... (sometimes people think I am crazy because I clearly see spirit realm...) and I see things and know things that not everyone does... one day on the way to work... God says to me... as you have said, so shall it be done... and since about a month later, I speak something and sure enough it happens... (not to say I am never off, but it is pretty much a constant occurrance to the point that people close to me are asking me to be cautious about what I speak...) so sometimes... I can't tell if I can see things and feel things just because this is the gift, or is it about connection, like I originally thought... satan is a deceiver, but what parts are the deceit? when you can't see anything manifesting, how can you be sure what the deceit is.... how do I know that I have not been wrong all along and am now seeing? I can't know... all I can do is trust that God got me... that I don't have to worry about anything... I don't have to do anything... so Father, here is all You said to me... it is Yours... let Thy will be done on earth as it already is done in heaven.... I ask this in the anointed blood of Christ Jesus...

Father, let it be unto me as You have said.... I am your servant.....
I love You... I adore You... I bow down before You.... Son of God I magnify You....

p.s.
how about it is now 11:30 am... I posted this early this morning.. already more is being shown of the vision... I was limiting God... the vision is much bigger than I thought it was... the vision has always been about the house of God and the plans of God and the glory of God and the changing of man... and He has reaffirmed all of it... WOW.... He is so amazing...

where is the water??

today... I had a friend remind me that Noah was a drunk... and while he was... God tells him to build an ark... God gives him very specific instructions on what size it was supposed to be and what it was made out of and what would be put in it.... there had not been any rain in FOREVER.... Noah worked on his ark for 100 years... did you hear me?? 100 years of building an ark with no sign of rain whatsoever.... now many of the townspeople believed that Noah was drunk and heard some other spirit talking to him... and they didn't believe the rain was coming... and so they were not prepared... on top of that part, they weren't even told about the rain... so they made fun of him and thought he was a loon....

THEN... after the ark is ready... (is your ark ready??) then God moves the animals in... (not sure how that part relates.. but pretty sure it does...) and still... no sign of rain... God shuts up the ark... closes the door.. do we know how long Noah was inside the ark with all the animals without the rain? I don't know... it would have to be some bible scholar to tell us that one... (if you are out there, please comment...) THEN... the rain comes down... and everyone not believing and not prepared dies from the storm and the flooding...

I don't know about you... but I get tired of building this ark some days... I get tired of not seeing what I hear... I get tired of no one but me hearing from God and believing in unison... BUT... I have no intention of being out here, unprepared and drowning... so.... until the flood comes, I will continue to build this crazy ark and live up in it with all the animals... and one day, God really will bring the water down in torrents... will the people of God be prepared? will they accept the will of God that is not the will of man? or will they be destroyed? we all have our own ark to build, but my ark is no bigger or better than yours is... your ark is important in the kingdom of God... continue to build on the days that it does not look like rain.. because sure enough... the water will come one day....
listen....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xV09vhgYVVM

big enough

do you know why you were created? and if you do, do you think you are big enough for it? I have been saying for the past 2 years that I am not big enough for the crazy thing God has put in my spirit. I am too dysfunctional. I am too small. I am not holy enough. I do not have enough faith.

God sends me to 1Samuel 9:21. Saul answered, but am I not a Benjamite, from the smallest tribe of Israel, and is not my clan the least of all the clans of Benjamin? why do you say such a thing to me?

the study bible states that Saul's origins were among the humblest in all Israel. Benjamin was the youngest of all Jacob's sons, and the tribe had been greatly reduced in the time of the judges. his elevation to king shows that God "exalts" whomever He will. God uses the powerless to promote His kingdom on earth is a common feature in biblical testimony and underscores that God's kingdom is not of this world. verse 16 is where Samuel is told to anoint Saul. priests were anointed, but from this point on it is the king who is referred to as "the Lord's anointed". anointing signifies separation to the Lord for a particular task and divine equipping for the task.

so the next time that you feel that God's plan is too big for you... remember that God chooses the ones who are nothing in this world and exalts them in His world. God is equipping you for the task He has called you to. God's hand is upon you. you are separated unto the Lord. you will not be like everyone else. you will not always be liked. not everyone can handle your dreams and visions. God's will is going to come to pass whether people approve of it or not... God chose you special and specifically... KNOW that you ARE big enough... and you have been anointed with the blood of Jesus Christ by his sacrifice of his life...

exposed....

that is what is really wrong here...
I am wide open and exposed and I am not feeling safe... not feeling comfortable...

people here in the south will not understand what I am saying.. but people who knew me before... knew in reality the horror that I lived through... even though they really didn't know... they can at least partially see.... any person that has been through a death defying experience can understand that you never tell what really happened... and I told it all... like I got no sense... to a person.... yes, this person is trustworthy... but that part is irrelevant... I let someone in under the wire... under all the walls and protection.. and all I can think about now is how do I make this seem like I didn't really give anything personal? how can I make it seem like they are not inside my skin?? how can I get them back out and recover personal security....
how do you get to the place of being not ashamed to let someone see who you really are? the old me, the hard me, the man-brained me would decide... so what... you still don't know me... all I have to do is close down and shut you back out... you aren't in that deep.... you don't really know anything....
but I hear from a family member today that this is just another piece of me to surrender to God. that I will have to acknowledge that someone is inside and accept that maybe it will be okay.. and quit trying to push them back out... if it's not, it is in God's hands... not man's... I have given familiarity before, but this full exposure, this is intimacy, emotionally... and I am scared of it.... ultimately I have to acknowledge that I am not in control, that I will probably never be in control again and it is okay, because God still holds me in the palm of His hand.. He protects me in His shoulders.... He careth for me... and that is really all that matters... I am still safe in God.... Thank you Father, that I am chosen and that I am loved... I love you greatly... more every day...

along came a spider...

remember the nursery rhyme, little miss muffet sat on a tuffet eating her curds and whey, along came a spider and sat down beside her and frightened miss muffet away...

one of my spiritual gifts is discernment of spirit. what this means is, I can see the spirit within a person and not necessarily what they show someone. sometimes this is a great thing. it allows you to know when you need to leave someone alone because something is off in their spirit. it allows you to know when someone is deceitful. it allows you to know when someone is good..

yesterday I go to an afternoon service... and I always sit on the end and that way I only have to worry about strangers sitting on one side of me. so I get there early and get an end and this woman asks me to move down for her, she is trying to video the service so I say okay... (I was NOT feeling good about that at all...) then about 10 minutes later a man squishes in beside me. supposedly her husband. it took all the self restraint I possess to not get up and move to the other side of the church. last night I wasn't sure why I felt like that. I am always a little strange about being in an enclosed space with men, but this man made me feel like I was going to jump out my skin.. I do not sleep well last night. up 1/2 the night texting or emailing or whatever... so this morning I get up and I realize it was his spirit. it brought back all the fear of the past. I haven't been terrified like that in a very long time. I have even come to the place where I can talk a little bit about some of the things that happened to me. but that brought ALL of sueann back and she was ready to take off for some safe place (no idea where that might be....) but of course I don't have my CAR!!!! God is so crushing me...
so I wonder... do we ever get past the reactions of the things that happen to us in life? you know, like let's say you were homeless for a while, do you ever get over fear of losing a place to live. if you were without food, do you ever get over eating too much thinking you don't know when you might have to go hungry again. if you have been raped, do you ever have sex again without fear in the back of your mind. or in my case.... do you ever get over being afraid of a man, knowing he has the physical power to destroy your physical body?
I honestly believe I am healed and over what happened to me, but to ask me to risk going back into it is just unreasonable. people who tell you to face your fears, obviously have never been afraid of anything. there was a tv show (crimminal minds) one week that had a man who literally scared people to death. he found out what they were afraid of and forced them to face it and then recorded how long it took for them to die from it. how long will it take me to die of this fear, especially if God makes me be around a man? I thought me and God made a deal when I left my abuser. I thought we had made this bargain that I would never have to be around a man very often ever again. I thought that He would continue to be my husband. I thought we had decided all this again. that I would never have to give up ownership papers... what happened to the deal that me and God made about this??

safety

as previously stated... I was abused in a previous life.. people don't understand abuse.. they don't understand the women who have been abused... they easily say why would you stay... you will never understand if you have not been abused... I could stand here and tell you all the right words to make you hear, but understanding still would not come... this causes you to become a different breed of person... your emotions have to become encased in steel so that no one can touch them or see them... emotions become a weakness to someone who is abused..
in my abuse.. God sent an angel to save me... He moved a man into my house while I was in the abusive situation and this man physically saved my life daily... he also saved me emotionally because he showed me what a man was supposed to be.. this man gave me safety... I had to leave this man because I thought I needed him... he became the one who saved me instead of just the one the real Savior used... so I could not stay with him... God will never allow another to become more than Him... He will remove them... that is one of the reasons that marriage needs to be about kingdom instead of about love... about committment to God instead of desire for a man...
God taught me that true safety only comes from Him...
a man asked do I make people around me safe... do I promote safety or destruction... that was a big thing to me... I want to be a safe place for anyone who needs me... I have some changing to continue doing before I will be this safe place for everyone... I have to be a giver at all times... I have to be a keeper of secrets... keeper of confidence... I do keep confidence... sometimes when I have questions I will go to a person that I trust and ask questions without telling names... that is not for me to do.... to keep confidence is to keep full confidence... God help me to take my questions to only you... never to man, even though the man is trustworthy.... continue to create in me the woman of God that you are calling me to be... continue to perfect me and make me in your image.. on the inside as well as the outside...

oh no... I think I'm in love with a dog...

I believe that cats are like women.. they only want bothered when they want bothered.. they are moody and want to be left alone much of the time... I believe dogs are like men... they are always trying to lick on you and jump on you and all grinning in your face... I have never really liked dogs...

I have 3 cats that are about 20 lbs each... fat and pretty... they don't bother you... they roll their eyes at you... they go outside for the most part.. except to sleep... they are silly sometimes... not often enough to get on your nerves though... yesterday they brought a chameleon in the house just to torture it to death... they have done this with squirrels and birds... anything that moves... I have had to get up in the middle of the night to catch a squirrel and let it back outside... same with birds... (I don't really approve of the whole killing of other animals thing... I usually try to save them)

then... a woman at work brings in this tiny dog... that jumps and is the silliest and sweetest creature I have ever seen... I think I could be in love with this dog... how in the world did this happen to me....

women and God

my mother was a submissive woman... submissive to an idiot... from the time I was about 5 years old I wanted my dad to die... he was mean and hateful... never had anything nice to say... never did anything nice for anyone... he was verbally abusive...
I get married... surprise.. surprise... to an abuser... physically and emotionally and verbally... and I was submissive because that was what I was taught, but it was also what was right... it was stupid of me though because I remember being in a bathroom stall in a place called rudy's house of submarines... and I hear an audible voice of God say to me this is not for you... and I say this is what I want.. let me have it anyways... and God says to me you will pay a very high price for this... how stupid can a person really be? from here on out... trust me... any time I hear this is not for you... or even get a feeling in my belly that something is off... I am OUT....
when I leave him this ghetto women's lib person arises in me... then somehow it is all about me now... and I stay alone and use people for what I want and have no thoughts of their feelings... I didn't really love anyone... not even myself...
then a couple years ago God starts talking about marriage to me.. and God's idea of marriage is different than ours... by this time I am in right relationship with God... He is my husband... He is my provider... He is the lover of my soul... He is my world... that is what a single woman's relationship with God is supposed to be... I was totally in love with God... happy feelings... butterflies... emotional and all... it was the greatest love ever.... then he pulls back and I don't understand... and I feel someone between us... what sense does that make? what is that about? why would a person be between you and God??
Friday night I spend the night alone with God. no tv. no stereo. just me and God. when I wake up on Saturday morning I feel God even further away than before. I think he was doing it in steps... so now he is there, but not the same as before. of course this is very distressing... almost feels like a man has left me and I don't know why. then I got understanding. this is the difference between a married woman's relationship with God and a single woman's. the bible tells us that a single woman only has to worry about the things of God and that is right. but a married woman has to worry about a household. I am getting that even in the spiritual relationship the man will be the leader of that too... (I am not feeling so great about that...) that doesn't mean that you won't spend time alone with God and read your own bible and pray and study by yourself. you will. but the man will be the head of even the spiritual growth in the household. we surely need to be more selective about who we choose to be the head of our house (choose or allow... whichever...) if the man is not what he needs to be in God this will affect every part of your life. even spiritually...
I find that women do not have a covenant with God. no where in the bible will you find a woman that God has made covenant with. the covenant is made with the man. who is the head of the woman. when you are young you are covered under covenant of your father. if you no longer have relationship with your father or family I believe God will carry you or cover you until you get into covenant with a man (if you have any sense... it will be a man God chooses for you...) then you are covered by God's covenant with the man... I know women don't want to hear any of this... I didn't like it much either... if God is going to put me in a marriage I wish he would get to some of the good stuff about it instead of all this stuff I didn't want to know... I liked it so much better when God liked me better than everyone else.... him liking a man better than me... or putting one over me.. is really hard to take some days...

time alone with God

This morning I hear God telling me that I am not spending enough time alone with Him... hmmmm... I feel like all my time is about God and none of it is for me... I get up in the morning and read my bible... I do an online bible study with a few close friends... I lead (term used loosely... I receive emormous help from volunteers....) the children's ministry at my church.... which includes the 11am service on sunday, wednesday night-game night, thursday night-movie then bible study.... I attend church on sunday at 8 am, on thursday at 7 pm... and any revival services or extra services going on that week.... SO WHAT DO YOU MEAN GOD???
He means personal time... intimate time... time just sitting there, just you and God loving on one another.... I have truly been lacking in this area because I am so busy with the work of the church... and the fact that God WANTS to be alone with me... me... just a regular person... and He loves me so.... should encourage me to never allow time with Him to be lacking....
How about a date night... me and God... I think I will do this... I think that friday nights will be God's night alone with me from here on out... no tv... no books other than the bible or study materials... although He just might have to take me out to eat.... (lolol... you know any great date starts with the man feeding you....) and so... if anyone tries to call me... if anyone tries to ask me to do something.... I will have to tell you that I have a date with the Man....

trust

assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something; one in which confidence is placed

a charge or duty imposed in faith or confidence or as a condition of some relationship

That is the meaning of trust in the webster/miriam dictionary....
trust is a really big deal to me. I often find myself looking for cracks in relationships and looking for signs of possible betrayal before they ever happen... because I have issues with trust.... (I have been told I have some commitment issues too.... but I am not sure about that one...) I found out recently that I have a terrible fear of being exposed... I didn't really know that I had that fear... someone gave me an exposed feeling and I wanted to run and hide... I shut up... yes, me... I stopped talking because I felt wide open... I don't like that much... I would rather be hidden and unpredictable... I am good at that... God gave me a dream about being naked and not ashamed one day and the peace that was felt in that tent was indescribable... yet I have fear of it... strange don't you think??
I was told a long time ago that a woman can love without trusting but a man cannot.. to a man... trust is love... and if he can't trust you, then he can't love you... I don't know what parts of that is true or not... I know that I have a hard time with people I don't trust and I am often told I have a "man brain"... one night while I was sleeping... God took it out and put in the female version and I have been struggling ever since... I think it seems I have a man brain on some things and a female brain on others... people close to me tell me the man brain is fading fast.... I surely don't know if that is good or bad... a man will tell me it is a good thing... while inside I am pretty sure it is not... to think with emotion is surely not a good thing...
but I think that God is honestly the only one that I trust.... I will allow people to have small pieces of open doors... but as soon as there are signs or betrayal... I am ready to head for the hills... let's look at God's version of the issue with trust.... I look in the bible dictionary looking for trust and it is not there... I also look it up in the topical bible and it says... see faith... ???? how in the world is faith the same thing as trust?? the definition of faith is the evidence of something unseen and the substance of what is hoped for. I have faith... haven't moved a mountain that I have seen, but I have faith to believe crazy things... God tells me things and then they happen.. that is faith to me.. and I have learned although I have experienced pain, that God does what is right for the majority.. and if I become better, not bitter, then I grow from the situation.. trust is different in my human mind... I think if you trust someone there is never any hurt from them... but I guess that is unrealistic because even with me... as much as I need trust... once in a while, without meaning to, I violate someone's trust and have to fix it... have to apologize and turn away from the violation...
Psalms 13:5-6 but I will trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord for he has been good to me.
Isaiah 12:2 surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, the Lord is my strength and my song: he has become my salvation.
maybe the only way we can learn to trust anyone at all is to trust them through the eyes of God. to know that God has his hedge of protection around us and he will not allow anything that we cannot bear... (trust me.... we can bear a whole lot more than we think we can....) I trust in the unfailing love of God ... it has brought me through things that I thought might kill me.. I do sing to the Lord... he has surely smiled on me...