Romans 12:  And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him. 

9 Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. 10 Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.

I read a devotional today that states: Hosea was the one who had been wronged and humiliated. Yes, he was the one following God, but he was also the one called to sacrifice. We misunderstand the full meaning of sacrifice, thinking it is only a decision to “give up” self-centered rights, hoarded resources, or the freedom to walk away. Sacrifice is a mirror reflecting our own pride and sin, calling us to lay down all sense of human justice or fairness in order for God to work in and through us to love others.

I find about myself... I know that God called me to sacrifice my entire life for Him... to live a life of loving others who might never love me.. just to show His great love for His people... and I thought I accepted that.. truly I thought I did.. but a short term life of sacrifice is very much different than a long term one.. and I get tired and want someone to think about me once in a while... 

but as is stated by the author above (Mary Southerland) sacrifice is a mirror that reflects our own sin and pride.. it causes us to recognize how much we feel sorry for ourselves or want someone else to 'see' us and do for us... and while these are normal feelings... 

God has called His people to be more than normal... He has called us to stop thinking of how we feel.. suck it up.. wipe our eyes and keep on giving to others.. regardless of whether they ever return the love or actions... He has called us to love without conditions.. without end.. without looking for something in return... 

touch me Lord Jesus... make me a better person than I am today so that I can be all that you are calling me to be... help me to keep YOU as my first Love.. so that I can love others as you have called me to do... amen.

Mark 6: 21 Herodias’s chance finally came on Herod’s birthday. He gave a party for his high government officials, army officers, and the leading citizens of Galilee. 22 Then his daughter, also named Herodias,[f] came in and performed a dance that greatly pleased Herod and his guests. “Ask me for anything you like,” the king said to the girl, “and I will give it to you.” 23 He even vowed, “I will give you whatever you ask, up to half my kingdom!” 24 She went out and asked her mother, “What should I ask for?” Her mother told her, “Ask for the head of John the Baptist!” 25 So the girl hurried back to the king and told him, “I want the head of John the Baptist, right now, on a tray!”

26 Then the king deeply regretted what he had said; but because of the vows he had made in front of his guests, he couldn’t refuse her. 27 So he immediately sent an executioner to the prison to cut off John’s head and bring it to him. The soldier beheaded John in the prison, 28 brought his head on a tray, and gave it to the girl, who took it to her mother. 29 When John’s disciples heard what had happened, they came to get his body and buried it in a tomb.

this scripture was used yesterday in the message and it was about the girl, not the king or the mother.. about how the girl first used her body to draw attention from men.. because this is what she was taught.. then she allowed her mother's hate for someone she didn't even know to cause her to be involved in someone's death... 

I like to think I am healed from most of the things I have lived through in this life.. but as this was preached.. I look at myself.. and while I don't see things the same way I used to.. I am still warped in my perception.. 

I know my value does not come from a man.. yet somehow I still seem to need the 'approval' of men.. not one man.. men in general.. I dress to please men's eye's although this is not what I am thinking about necessarily when I get dressed.. yet deep within this is what I am doing... it seems important to be wanted even though I really don't want them back... I know I have done some things that were done just to suck a man in.. even when I wasn't sure I wanted him... 

I don't believe I was raised to believe this is important.. I think because I did not have my father's attention... I wanted attention from boys.. then men.. and this was usually acheived by girls that look a certain way... while I didn't act on things the way many girls did it is still a wrong mentality.. and I openly admit.. I don't know how to get rid of it... I give it to God.. I tell Him I don't want to think this way.. yet when I get dressed... I see it is still there.. buried deep within.. I think rather than bury it.. I need to cast it out............ I pray God will give me the answers as to what I need to do to get rid of it.. 

as I talked this out with my bible study partners, we recognize that to some extent it is just natural to desire attention and to be attractive.. the question now is.. how much is overboard or a problem? when does it become a stronghold....

Philippians 4: 10 How I praise the Lord that you are concerned about me again. I know you have always been concerned for me, but you didn’t have the chance to help me. 11 Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. 12 I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. 13 For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength. 14 Even so, you have done well to share with me in my present difficulty.

I have read this scripture 1,000 times... and I actually feel this.. I have learned to be content in many different situations throughout my lifetime.. things don't have to be perfect for me to be content.. to have joy in my life.. to find my stability in God when circumstances are not stable...  I too have lived with little and have lived with plenty... I would actually say that it is Christ who has strengthened me through many situations... walked with me through many trials... 

but I never saw verse 14 before....  he tells them that he is thankful that they have walked through whatever it is he was going through with him.. that he wasn't alone... he had someone to talk to.. someone to lean on.. someone to love him... 

I would say in truth that I go through many things alone.. the older I have become, the more and more true that has become... but... always.. I have someone I can talk to.. she may not understand or agree with me.. she may not have the right thing to say... but the reality that someone is there.. that someone else cares about my struggle.. really is worth so much to me... 

I pray that each of you has someone who will keep all your dirty little secrets... someone that will not go along with your madness.. someone who will tell you the truth even when you don't want to hear you.. but someone who will love you regardless of the situation.. this is truly one of life's greatest blessings from God... 

Jeremiah 38: 17 Then Jeremiah said to Zedekiah, “This is what the Lord God of Heaven’s Armies, the God of Israel, says: ‘If you surrender to the Babylonian officers, you and your family will live, and the city will not be burned down. 18 But if you refuse to surrender, you will not escape! This city will be handed over to the Babylonians, and they will burn it to the ground.’”

19 “But I am afraid to surrender,” the king said, “for the Babylonians may hand me over to the Judeans who have defected to them. And who knows what they will do to me!”

20 Jeremiah replied, “You won’t be handed over to them if you choose to obey the Lord. Your life will be spared, and all will go well for you. 21 But if you refuse to surrender, this is what the Lord has revealed to me: 22 All the women left in your palace will be brought out and given to the officers of the Babylonian army. Then the women will taunt you, saying, ‘What fine friends you have! They have betrayed and misled you. When your feet sank in the mud, they left you to your fate!’

23 All your wives and children will be led out to the Babylonians, and you will not escape. You will be seized by the king of Babylon, and this city will be burned down.”

24 Then Zedekiah said to Jeremiah, “Don’t tell anyone you told me this, or you will die!

what Jeremiah tells the king God is saying does not sound like what we expect God to be saying... I expect God to be saying He will rescue me.. not that I am to surrender... I expect God to save His city and His people.. not turn them over to the enemy... 

so this shows that sometimes what God said isn't what we would expect or imagine... so how do we know that it really is God speaking? how do we know it isn't something the enemy has planted in our head... 

I don't know the answer to this question... I once heard something that I didn't think sounded much like God.. yet I was quite sure it was Him speaking.. but things got worse in the situation instead of better... so I don't really know even now if I did the right thing or the wrong thing.. I don't know if I heard God or the enemy... I would have thought that if I were doing what God told me to do that things would have gotten better, not worse.. but during this season since that time.. I have learned A LOT... probably more than I would have learned any other way... so even if I did the wrong thing, because my heart was right.. God has turned it for my good... 

all we really can do is what we believe God desires from us.. that is the best we can do... 

so I am back in Job.. (LOL.. feels like I have been there for 3-4 years)

as I read this morning I find that job felt much like I do.. he felt he has tried to serve God faithfully and he has no idea why he is being attacked or ignored by God...

if you remember.. God never responded to any of job's pleas through the whole book.. until the end... then what He said is.. who are you that you will question me... 

I think about this... I know that david often felt deserted by God too... 

job went through his trials.. lost his entire family... lost all his money and land... and then God restored it all double at the end.. all this because satan wanted to tempt him.. and God decided that job was strong enough to withstand it... 

now hear me when I say... I do not in any way feel I am righteous as job.. and clearly not as strong as job either.. but I think God is trying to show me that I am no different than many others... that I am not exempt from bouts of silence from Him... and that is doesn't mean that He is necessarily gone or even ignoring me... 

so while I have no understanding of the WHYS.. or even the how long.. I have no understanding of any of it.. yet I know that one day.. it will all be all right... and thankfully.. unlike job.. who was covered in boils and lost all his friends and family and finances.. I am not going through that too.. this silence from God is my testing.. I am thankful I am not going through all that job did.. or david did.. this is just a taste... and just a test... 

Psalms 35: 26May those who rejoice at my troubles be humiliated and disgraced. May those who triumph over me be covered with shame and dishonor. 27But give great joy to those who came to my defense. Let them continually say, “Great is the lord, who delights in blessing his servant with peace!” 28Then I will proclaim your justice, and I will praise you all day long.

so often we hear people saying... and actually even Jesus said it... bless those who curse you... but that is a hard thing to do sometimes... we see david was not so good at that.. he prayed fire and death down on his enemies... LOL! I think I tend to be a little more like david than like Jesus in this area... 

but I have found.. that while this is my natural inclination.. to want to see them pay for being mean to me or talking about me... I find that when I let go of my anger and upset towards them and instead try to see them as Jesus sees them.. then I get past it.. whatever it might be.. while I am holding on to that anger and hurt.. then I am not getting over it either... we have to be able to forget things.. 

many people say they will forgive but not forget... well I find if we don't forget about it.. then we really haven't forgiven... my father didn't want me.. for many years I was angry about him.. hated him even... and I tried to forgive him.. but it kept coming back up... until finally I decided to forget about it.. now this doesn't mean I don't know what he did to me.. but at this point in my forgiveness.. there are honestly very few details I could give about it... the same goes with the abuser.. I really don't remember in detail what happened.. I do remember that it happened... but not details or specifics until someone brings it up.. 

so I believe in order for us to truly forgive.. we also have to be willing to forget.. and finally let go and heal... too many people walk around broken because they cannot overcome their past.. and the past has long since forgotten all about you.... 

so let us not wait another day.. let us praise God THIS day.. and forget about whatever has been done to us.. and give it truly over to Him... 

so I was looking at instagram and twitter.. and women are always posting things about how a man lost a good woman and he will regret it forever... 

and I am thinking... did he really think you were that good of a woman? doesn't it seem.. that if you really are a great woman.. they will keep on trying to come back.. they may wait a while.. each time they may wait longer in between.. but they don't really just let it go and be with someone else if they are thinking you are the greatest thing ever... 

so really.. why is it that women can't seem to just say... this was not the right relationship for me.. and just let go.. not trying to imagine he is lost without her.. not thinking she is the best thing he ever had... and if you are so concerned that he is or is not thinking about you... you are not past it and you are giving WAY too much thought to something that is obviously in the past...

because truly.. any relationship that God is not in.. it cannot last.. so it isn't about you being a good woman.. or you being a donkey.. it is about whether or not God ordained it to begin with... 

get over yourself women.......

if it is of God.. it will happen.. if it is not.. nothing you can do will make it happen.. and you really don't want it anyways because it will be nothing but hurt and suffering...