fear vs. courage...

one day last week God was talking about courage and I thought it was for someone else... it was not... it was for me.. today at church the message hit home to me about my deepest fears... and I didn't want to talk about it... didn't want to hear about it from God... so finally this evening He has me look up fear in the topical bible...
and He gives me Isaiah 51:12-13 I am the LORD, the one who encourages you. Why are you afraid of mere humans? They dry up and die like grass. I spread out the heavens and laid foundations for the earth. But you have forgotten me, your LORD and Creator. All day long you were afraid of those who were angry and hoped to abuse you. Where are they now?
then He tells me that the opposite of fear is courage... and this was one of the scriptures He had given me last week.. zechariah 10: 3 -5God-of-the-Angel-Armies will step in and take care of his flock, the people of Judah. He'll revive their spirits, make them proud to be on God's side. God will use them in his work of rebuilding, use them as foundations and pillars, Use them as tools and instruments, use them to oversee his work. They'll be a workforce to be proud of, working as one, their heads held high, striding through swamps and mud, Courageous and vigorous because God is with them, undeterred by the world's thugs.

I think God is telling me that I have allowed the fear of the past to hold me captive long enough... and that even if all my fears come to pass... He is still with me... while I go through hell again if that is to be the case... but will I allow the will of God to pass me by out of fear of things that have already happened... things I have already overcome...
I have dreams alot and there is a big man in it... covering me and mine with an umbrella... and I found out that the umbrella stood for protection... today I know that the big man isn't real to the naked eye... he is an angel... he is my angel of protection... his name is Michael... the archangel... and he is walking with me... into the fear.. into the future... whatever it may hold... whether it be hell or be heaven...
Father... in the name of Jesus... I will go where you want me to go... I will do what you want me to do... even in the midst of fear... I will continue to walk into your will and trust you to protect me from all who may assail me...

lessons from hell...

yesterday someone asked what is my favorite michael jackson song... it is you are not alone... Jesus used to sing me that song while I lived in the depths of hell... I have very little memory of my time spent in hell, but I have a few that I will share with you today...

my abuser used to think we looked like the perfect family if we took bike rides together... so every saturday we would take these bike rides.. for 10 mile journeys... and what looked like fun to the average person was honestly just another form of abuse... my son was only 5... one time he put the pole of his handlebar through the back of his leg... at least an inch deep... his dad made him suck it up... and ride the whole way home... he has a very bad scar on the back of his leg to this day... as he didn't need stiches, he just needed to man up at 5 years old...
he was riding my daughter on the bar across the bike one day when she was 4... she lost her balance and her ankle went into the spoke of the bike and took off all the skin the whole way down to the bone.. she had to wear a cast for 8 weeks and she also has a very nasty scar.. she didn't learn to ride a bike until she was 10... she was afraid of them...

the point is to tell you what I learned while in hell... I think it is very important that whatever situation you are in, that it is not in vain.. and you learn lessons that you can take with you.. that you have grown... from even the bad situation...
1. do not make your own decisions... allow God to guide your life.. otherwise you may end up in hell...
2. trust God at all times... even once you have gotten yourself in hell, God is faithful and trustworthy and he will pull you up out of it...
3. something can be learned from every situation... even an abusive one.. you learn that you are much stronger than you thought you are... you learn that God loves even you...
4. God will never leave you or forsake you... He used to sing you are not alone to me... He will sing something to you...
5. you are not what someone else says you are... you are what God says you are.. and if you don't know what that is, you need to read your bible to find out, but one thing God says is that we are all made in His image... which means that you are full of love and peace and mercy and goodness... despite what others may say... you are beautiful... when they tell you that you are not, you can know that you are because they are trying to make you believe something untrue...
6. allow no one to destroy you... God created you with a purpose and you cannot allow anyone to destroy the good that God made in you... no one else can be you... no one else can do your job in the kingdom of heaven... and that is why they are trying to destroy you to begin with...
7. God is truly all you need... He will be your best friend, lover of your soul, your protector, your providor... everything you need or want... allow Him to be your all in all....

family...

I was raised in a large family... I have 3 brothers and 3 sisters... I am the youngest of 7... so I was used to having alot of family around all the time.. I am 100% german... whatever you know about germans... they can be very arrogant and just know that they are better than the rest of the world... so when I got with a black man and I am white... needless to say... I lost most of that family... I have 2 sisters now and that is pretty much it... I have been called all the names... by my own family...

so gracious as God is... He gave me a new family... that used to belong to my ex husband (hee hee hee) and they are my grandpap and my brothers and sisters... and on july 4th, some of them are coming to the area for the holiday and I will get to see them... I haven't seen anyone in over 2 years... because every time I think about going up there... someone seems to pray it away and I don't get to go... but they are coming to me!!! very excited....

actually God has given me more than just the one family... I have another family here in augusta that is family to me... I go eat at their house all the time... the mother gets on me about any wrong I might do... I have a couple mothers... all found in my church... and I love this family just like I love the one I was born into... probably more, because the love is more unconditional...

how often do you love unconditionally? do you love based on what people do? or do you love people in spite of what they do? I try to be unconditional... if I love you, I just do... even on the days I don't like you much...

I thank God today for unconditional love and for family....

where is the spirit....

have you ever had one of those times when you can't feel the spirit... when it feels like God is far away and satan is sitting on the edge of your bed smoking a cigarette.... you don't want to read your bible... you don't want to even look at the church much less go there...

what is that really about? what makes God back up sometimes? what makes the spirit disappear?

I imagine the carnal mind would think that God is mad at you.. I don't know about you, but when I am mad at someone, I pull my "spirit" from them... back up and put distance between us... but what about when you didn't do anything wrong... (or at least you don't know that you did...) and yet the spirit is away...

the silence of God is a rough thing to take... to accept... to acknowledge... Job had God be silent to him for a really long time.. the bible doesn't really give us time lines often so you don't know if it was a few weeks or months... I am thinking years... there was a period in the bible where God was silent for 400 years... can you imagine... how would you live your life if God never spoke to anyone for 1 year much less 400 years... that would mean that the preachers wouldn't get any new revelations...
so what do you do? I think that even in the silent days.. the dark days... you still read your bible.. you continue to pray... you continue to go to church... because I trust that when God is ready... he will talk again... he will let you know that everything is fine... and he really never left you to begin with...
keep on doing right... even in the dark... every day... be encouraged and know that God is present..

praying...

okay... couldn't end on the doom and gloom note... so let's talk about something happy... how about... in my own prayer life... God is telling me He wants me praying down on the ground on my face... not all the time... just about a particular person... (I am thinking that is strange.. right??)
so big larry, who is the head of my family tells me that is the position of submission... and by doing that, I am submitting to God and to the person God is telling me to pray for....
isn't it absolutely amazing... the details of God... who would have thought all that? I wonder how many people hear strange litttle things like that in their spirit and ignore them... thinking that is not the voice of God... I tend to try to hear every little detail He says to me cause in the end... I am sure it meant something... even while it sounded goofy....

responsibility of a teacher...

this is not one of the uplifting happy and fun blogs... sorry...

if you are a teacher... it is your responsibility to teach the word of God... if you give your opinion or interpretation... you need to say that is what it is... do you realize as a teacher, that not everyone reads their bible... some people take the words that you say and never check behind you... so when you give interpretation, they are misled and believing the bible says it.. and teaching it to their children... so as a teacher... accept your responsibility and do right by it...

as for me, I have learned yesterday that I just can't sit under every teacher... I can't let you say things that are not biblically based and act as though they are written in the word of God... and if you come back at me saying idiotic things like "the bible doesn't tell us not to eat glass either, but we know not to"... don't think that I don't see your true spirit... I don't have to defend the word of God to you... God will stand up and knock you down Himself... watch what I just said... come to pass...

I decided that it would be better to not go to the class and cause disruption than to let people know that you are not rightly dividing the word of God... (although some people disagree with that..) I would like to give big ups to deacon alphonso hildreth... for his amazing knowledge of the word of God and his teaching ability.... of course he is not the only one... but he is truly a walking word of God... anyone looking for answers, he will recite it... with the book and verse to you...

I haven't been writing...
because I sometimes feel the weight of this calling in my life very heavily.. and I don't want anyone to misunderstand me.. and think that it does not matter to me if I have hurt you.. because it does...
I do not ever wish to cause anyone to be hurt by me.. but I am the "truth teller" this is my calling... part of my purpose.. God said to me.. son of man.. if you say what I show to you and they do nothing, the sin is on them. but if you do not say what you have been shown, then the sin is on you.. I will not be condemned for the things that others do.. I have to tell what I see... and if you are hurt in the process, that was never my intention...
I often have people tell me that the way I say things is offensive.. it is not so much what I said as how it was said.. I am sorry if you feel that way... I suggest you read the king james version of any of the gospels (meaning matthew, mark, luke or john..) Jesus did not think about your feelings when he talked... anyone who is honestly (operative word being honestly...) in relationship with God, knows that when He talks, He is not looking at how you will receive the word of truth... He tells you plain and blunt... the truth.. whether you are right or whether you are wrong... the reason He tells us truth about ourselves is to give us opportunity to change it and become better, not for our feelings to be hurt... so be thankful instead that God is still disciplining/reprimanding you, because as long as He is doing that, He is still interested in your change... when He quits helping you become better... THAT is when you are really is trouble...
I am sure that someone will feel it was very arrogant to say that I speak the word of God... to you, I say pray... to the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob... and see if what I said was truth in HIS eyes.. if I speak away from the word of God... then please tell me so, but as long as my words line up with His word... I will not apologize to you for the word of God... I do apologize about your feelings being hurt though... saying hard to hear things does not mean that I do not love you... it means that I do love you... enough to tell you the truth...

weight of words...

I have a tendency to say much of what I think... I have gotten better at this, but surely not where I need to be.. one day I hear God say to me "as you have said, so shall it be done"... and not too long after... the stuff I say starts happening... that by itself was scary enough... then I tend to have a hot head... so when I get hurt, or mad or even happy... words come flying up out at the speed of light... (yes, I know the speed of light measures distance, not time... I just think it sounds good...) so just imagine in your own life if the things that you say happened... this is a very large responsibility... it is odd to me the things that God gives us as gifts...
I have always been a talker.. till the abusive man... then I stopped talking at all... my words are given to me from God, yet I am supposed to be able to determine what should be said and what should not... because it feels sometimes like they are a gift and a curse both... my thoughts and sight are a gift from God, but I need to learn when to talk and when to remain silent.. and just because God says something to me... does that mean I need to say it? or does it mean I maybe need to just be on my face in prayer about it... teach me Father, what needs said and what need to be prayed about only... and help me to keep calm when I am wishing to go off...

uplifting your shepherd...

I just read a blog of a pastor of a well known church who has fallen... and he was a big enough man to stand up and resign his position and tell his church what happened...

we tend to hold pastors in a light that they cannot possibly live... do we really recognize that a pastor is just a person, just like us... that they were just called to do a work for God that they don't always even want... they have to follow the calling of God just like we do... but yet we expect them to be perfect and righteous at all times, just because they bring us the word of God... do you not bring the word of God to people?? you should be... in your walk, in your talk, in your advice... everything that you are as a christian should exude the love and life of Christ... yet if we fall, we want everyone to say to us... it's okay... God has forgiven you, just get up and do better... but what about our shepherd??? we hold them to an unrealistic level of expectation... and when they show any form of humanness, we want to stone them....

let ye who are without sin cast the first stone..... I promise you it will not be me....

a day out of the will of God...

you know, some days enough is enough... I woke up this morning and I went and prayed and read my bible... preparing myself for the day... or so I thought...

then I get an email from someone that makes me mad and I decide I am just done... too much is too much and I quit...

Lord help us all from here on out... God will not stop His will over egotistic men and hotheaded women... that is for sure...

I can't change anyone...

sometimes I tend to be a little overbearing... I usually think... I am right, so that makes you wrong... and while I really do tend to be right much of the time... I imagine everyone else thinks they are too... I think sometimes I need to acknowledge that I can't change you... if I could change you, then you wouldn't be you, you would be someone else... so if I say I accept you as you are, why do I want you to do everything my way??

I am thinking... there is a reason that not everyone is given the same gifts and abilities... if we all were the same, what use would that be? there would be no variety... so what happens if you never see things my way? does that make you wrong? I would really like to say yes, that makes you wrong and me right... but I guess maybe it just means you see it different than me... and just like there is usually more than one road to get to the same place... maybe you are just taking a different road... not necessarily the wrong one...

although it would be helpful for overbearing people like me if you could at least acknowledge that you hear what we are saying... instead of intentionally upsetting our apple cart and going in a different direction cause we just can't be right this much of the time.... either way... I guess I will see you at the destination... because the will of God is still the will of God regardless of which road you take to get there... (mine really is better though...)

who is your authority??

I don't know about you, but I really don't like authority much... here is some harsh reality... not speaking too good of myself... I was raised in a (I am struggling with a word here... I want to say white, but I don't want to sound racist as I am cross racist if anything...) how about liberal house... where my parents tended to let me do what I wanted and say what I thought and act any type of way... in all my life I have never had a spanking... (whew... that was rough to admit....) I told my mother I hated her... and she was an old hag... man, if one of mine did that to me, they would be lacking front teeth... so I had no respect for authority, because none was taught to me... I learned to say what I want in a manner that people really weren't sure if I was telling them off or not...

but I think that all of us has an authority figure in life... no one is allowed to just run willy-nilly... at least not if God is head of your life... he will give you authority and you probably won't like it... at least I don't... so my question to God this week is... what if you don't agree with what the authority figure says.... what if I don't want to listen cause that person is wrong... you know what God says?? how about He tells me it is not for me to judge someone in authority... He tells me that if He put the person over me, all I have to do is follow.. it is not for me to question them... if they are wrong, they will answer to Him, not to me... and I am supposed to do the right thing regardless... ??? come on now Jesus... that is pretty rough to swallow sometimes... but as God is the ultimate authority, I guess my responsibility is to follow the "chain of command" that He has placed over me... uuuggghhh... somedays the world is much easier than the kingdom...

celibacy...

I have been celibate for almost three years. I have not appreciated even 10 minutes of it... but... I can honestly say that I see myself differently because of it...
I used to feel like I was getting mine and you was getting yours and that's all good... but during this time of celibacy, God has shown me that I am a child of the KING... that makes me a princess... so I don't have to give you anything but respect... my body is a priceless gift given to me by God to enhance the kingdom of God and if you can't see my value... that is your issue, not mine... my body is the Lord's temple... I am worth every penny you will pay to marry me... I am worth every tear you might cry... I am worth every smile that I will put on your face... my value far exceeds the cost of the ring on my finger... and you will NOT get the goodies without paying full price... no layaway plan here... no credit system... nope.... cash in full upon purchase price.... and I promise you I am worth it... and so are you!!
so ladies... quit selling yourself short... see who God sees you as and quit giving up what is supposed to be sacred and pure.... the man will value you far more for it in the end... and if he doesn't, he is not from God, but God will send you one who is...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u5zCa9iMrBM