love loosely 2

this is just me thinking out loud... probably won't be any scripture given.. but if there were.. it would be 1 Cor 13.. the love chapter...

through my son and an ex that committed suicide.. God has taught me to love loosely... people are in our lives.. but can be taken at any time.. don't build your life's security on someone else's being there or not being there.. your life needs to be built on God alone...

now of course.. I took this to the extreme.. as I am always an extremist... and so.. I didn't love.. really love... anyone... I did/do love sex... however and a man is necessary for that.. so I could be with someone for a long time and not ever really give my heart.. or at least I could until God did this weird vision/purpose thing in my life.. where I had to decide to love someone.. and somehow.. where you would think I would have control of the love I would give or not give.. it seems to be the opposite.. and I have no control at all... I have given all of me this time... (traumatic to say the least!!)

but the thing that God is teaching me right now is... when I give myself completely.. love without boundaries.. with complete abandon... then I tend to want to contain the person... to get upset and afraid and insecure and all these stupid words I have never been in the past... and I can't do that either.. a person cannot be contained.. they cannot be owned... we have to let it flow freely...

what is really odd about that is... the reason I would run from people in the past is because I felt as if they were smothering me.. trying to own me... and here I am.. somewhat trying to do that now... which is about ridiculous.. because surely as soon as I could get all the time I want... I would feel smothered again... LOL... (what a crazy backwards person I am...)

so I guess I am to the place where I am thinking.. if you are here.. that is fine.. and if you aren't.. that is fine too... because of course a person cannot be my base.. my stability.. that has to come from God... He is the Rock I stand upon and will continue to do so.. regardless of people coming into or out of my life... and I have to be willing to just let people be part of my life without wanting to be so involved... so..... if I were talking about someone else I could say obsessive.. but as it is me.. I will say controlling... I just gotta do what I am supposed to do and let the rest of it all ride... and Flow Freely....

alone again... naturally...

numbers 11: 17 I will come down and talk to you there. I will take some of the Spirit that is upon you, and I will put the Spirit upon them also. They will bear the burden of the people along with you, so you will not have to carry it alone.

when I was a kid there was a song that said "alone again.. naturally..." as if in this life everyone leaves us... and I would have to say that has been what I thought was the case in my life...

until today... today I was texting a young boy who has lost his mother and has really no one in his life.. or at least that is how he sees it... and it hits me.. we are only as alone as we choose to be... I realize I choose to be alone most of the time... if I didn't.. I would surely be with someone... I see being alone as a comfortable place.. I don't have to answer to anyone.. I don't have to risk being hurt by anyone... and that is my choice... but then there are days when I will feel sorry for myself and wonder why I have no one to love me.. I have no one to love me because I won't let anyone in...

we are not alone naturally.. we are alone by choice.. just like we are with someone by choice...

there are plenty of scripture in the bible that states it is not God's intention for us to be alone... that we are not to bear things alone.. that we are to have companionship.. we are to have love in our lives.. while there are periods of being alone.. overall.. we are not created to be alone... it is a comfort zone for many of us.. me included...

I think I am making a decision that I am done being alone...

1. God's Word is a border for my life. As long as I stay within the guidelines laid out in Scripture, I'll have what I need to do what I need to do. God is faithful and true to His Word.

2. I have to be willing to finish what I start. God uses committed people who aren't led by emotion. It's easy to be excited in the beginning when something is new, but the ones who cross the finish line are the ones who hang in there when no one else is excited anymore.

3. When no one is there to help me, I get to know Jesus really well. The narrow road of living for God and not conforming to the ways of the world is often lonely. But the trade-off of gaining real intimacy with Christ is worth more than anything you could ever get from the world.

this was in a devotional I read this morning by Joyce...
I remember back to the time when I was off work that 4months and I basically left everyone I was close to at the time.. and it was truly a time of solitude and seeking God.. I would say there has never been a time in my life other than that when I truly gave myself to God completely... I believe actually that I was prepared before it happened by some of the people that God had put in my life for that particular season to help me get ready for it..

before that time.. I had a 'genie' outlook on God.. or a 'let's make a deal' outlook... I wanted Him to do for me.. but I really didn't want to sacrifice anything for Him... or I would say I will do this.. if you will do that... this was the time I learned to love God just for being God.. just for looking my way.. I really had an in depth look at who I am.. and who I am not.. and I saw how truly unworthy I am of God's love.. yet He loves me anyways...

those four months truly transformed my life.. I could never go back to who I was before.. I could never do the things I did before.. I have truly been changed from the inside out... my life truly belongs to God now.. whatever He chooses is what I am desiring... whoever He calls me to be is who I will be.. I love God in a way that I have never loved anyone or anything before... God has shown me the value of a Father.. He has become Lord of my life.. and my Father...

and I am thankful.... truly deeply full of gratitude...

the privilege of being set apart...

Deuteronomy 7: 6 For you are a holy people, who belong to the Lord your God. Of all the people on earth, the Lord your God has chosen you to be his own special treasure. 7 “The Lord did not set his heart on you and choose you because you were more numerous than other nations, for you were the smallest of all nations! 8 Rather, it was simply that the Lord loves you, and he was keeping the oath he had sworn to your ancestors. That is why the Lord rescued you with such a strong hand from your slavery and from the oppressive hand of Pharaoh, king of Egypt. 9 Understand, therefore, that the Lord your God is indeed God. He is the faithful God who keeps his covenant for a thousand generations and lavishes his unfailing love on those who love him and obey his commands.

do we really realize how special we are to God? that we belong to Him... sometimes I get caught up in the desire to belong... belong to someone.. belong in a place.. just to be accepted... I have really not been accepted by most people since I was born.. I never was one of the people that everyone liked.. I wasn't disliked.. I was just different.. so rather than embrace being different.. I tried to conform.. to get in trouble.. to draw attention... yet no matter what I have done to make me like everyone else.. I have still been different...

yesterday someone said to me that I really have no idea how extraordinary I am... and I am thinking.. ???????.. I am just regular.. what do you mean?? she said look at you... really look at yourself.. the way you think.. the way you act.. the things that you do.. nothing about you is ordinary... you are clearly very different than anyone else... somehow she thought this was a compliment.. yet it brought up all those past insecurities..had me thinking that I can never be accepted or loved or belong because I am so different than anyone else... still.. after all these years of trying to be the same...

and Jesus says... I am separate.. I am chosen to be His own special treasure.. not because of me being great.. just because he loves me.. with an unfailing love...

maybe I will never be accepted.. maybe no one will ever want me... but Jesus does... and that is better than any human anyways...

Psalms 34: 4 I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me. He freed me from all my fears. 5 Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces. 6 In my desperation I prayed, and the Lord listened; he saved me from all my troubles. 7 For the angel of the Lord is a guard; he surrounds and defends all who fear him.

the only fear we should have is fear of the Lord... all other fear is of the enemy... and while that is easily said.. it is not as easily felt... or even if we recognize it is of the enemy... it is not that easy to just cast it off.. this is the same issue we have with wrong thoughts...

the other morning.. I was thinking.. oh I really just do not like men.. I do not like to be around them.. I do not like the way the look at you.. I do not like much of anything they have to say to you... unless I know them already.. I just want them to not even look at me.. and someone said to me.. where do these thoughts come from... and lights came on.. I realize the enemy is planting these thoughts in my mind... I don't know what his plan is to give me negative thoughts about men.. but obviously there is a scheme behind it...

this same thing is truth with fear.. if we are afraid we stay away from whatever it is we are afraid of... therefore we do not move forward.. we do not walk into what God has planned for us... we stay right where we are.. stagnant... miserable... fearful...

look back over your life.. God has rescued you from every single thing you have gone through.. maybe not the way you wanted to be rescued... maybe not at the time that you wanted to be rescued.. yet He has been faithful.. that is the character of God.. He will come through when He is ready... and you need to stand strong on His word and on His character.. knowing that His love for you is greater than anything the enemy chooses to bring against you...

ALL things work together for your good because you love Him...

do not fear.. trust in the Lord at ALL times..

whispering sin...

Psalms 36: Sin whispers to the wicked, deep within their hearts. They have no fear of God at all.2 In their blind conceit, they cannot see how wicked they really are. 3 Everything they say is crooked and deceitful. They refuse to act wisely or do good.4 They lie awake at night, hatching sinful plots.Their actions are never good.They make no attempt to turn from evil.

in honesty... sin whispers to me... does that make me really wicked? and if it does.. is anyone not wicked? as the bible says that we are born in sin... we desire to do right.. yet we do wrong anyways.. we would like to say that it is not in our power to do right.. yet I am sure that it is.. the power of Christ within us give us the ability... yet the sin whispers... calling me out by name... and daily I attempt to not answer that call...

5 Your unfailing love, O Lord, is as vast as the heavens; Your faithfulness reaches beyond the clouds.6 Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains, your justice like the ocean depths. You care for people and animals alike, O Lord. 7 How precious is your unfailing love, O God! All humanity finds shelter in the shadow of your wings.8 You feed them from the abundance of your own house, letting them drink from your river of delights. 9 For you are the fountain of life, the light by which we see.

David then goes immediately into the love of God.. which is the only thing that makes us worth anything at all.. our acts are worthless... it is His love that makes us valuable...

10 Pour out your unfailing love on those who love you; give justice to those with honest hearts.11 Don’t let the proud trample me or the wicked push me around.12 Look! Those who do evil have fallen! They are thrown down, never to rise again.

pour out your unfailing love on those who love you... please Father, pour out your love on me... enable me to pour this love out on others that I come into contact with... in Jesus name...

talking against one another...

James 4: 11 Brothers and sisters, stop slandering each other. Those who slander and judge other believers slander and judge God’s teachings. If you judge God’s teachings, you are no longer following them. Instead, you are judging them. 12 There is only one teacher and judge. He is able to save or destroy you. So who are you to judge your neighbor?

you know.. we can stand here and say that we are not a gossip.. that we don't talk about other people.. but I am thinking.. if Jesus would sting us every time we do it without even thinking about it... we would be shocked at how often we do... anything that is not encouraging is negative... you can't be middle of the road.. either you are talking them up.. or talking them down... I have recently began to notice how often I talk about people without even meaning anything by it...

so this scripture states that if we are talking about people... slandering or judging them.. then we are really judging God's teaching... now I have to admit.. I don't get how that would be true.. then he goes on to say that if we judge the teaching of the law.. then we are no longer following it... hmmm.. so... bottom line would be.. when we talk about other people.. we are sinning against the law of God... even when we are not really thinking maliciously...

only God is able to destroy us or to save us... yet here we stand... talking about other people... even if all we are doing is trying to figure them out.. why are we doing it? and what real business is it of ours?

I guess the truth is... I can't manage my own life without God's help.. who am I to try and manage someone else's... whether they are sinful or not... so am I... keep my focus on my own issues Lord.. don't let me fall prey to worrying about other people and their rights or wrongs... remind me daily that the only business I have is in my own house....

again I say... imagine all the good we could do if we spoke life into everyone we encounter... just imagine the change it would make in our life.. and possibly theirs too...

absolute holiness...

Ezekiel 43: After this, the man brought me back around to the east gateway. 2 Suddenly, the glory of the God of Israel appeared from the east. The sound of his coming was like the roar of rushing waters, and the whole landscape shone with his glory. 3 This vision was just like the others I had seen, first by the Kebar River and then when he came to destroy Jerusalem. I fell face down on the ground. 4 And the glory of the Lord came into the Temple through the east gateway.
5 Then the Spirit took me up and brought me into the inner courtyard, and the glory of the Lord filled the Temple. 6 And I heard someone speaking to me from within the Temple, while the man who had been measuring stood beside me. 7 The Lord said to me, “Son of man, this is the place of my throne and the place where I will rest my feet. I will live here forever among the people of Israel. They and their kings will not defile my holy name any longer by their adulterous worship of other gods or by honoring the relics of their kings who have died. 8 They put their idol altars right next to mine with only a wall between them and me. They defiled my holy name by such detestable sin, so I consumed them in my anger. 9 Now let them stop worshiping other gods and honoring the relics of their kings, and I will live among them forever.
0 “Son of man, describe to the people of Israel the Temple I have shown you, so they will be ashamed of all their sins. Let them study its plan, 11 and they will be ashamed of what they have done. Describe to them all the specifications of the Temple—including its entrances and exits—and everything else about it. Tell them about its decrees and laws. Write down all these specifications and decrees as they watch so they will be sure to remember and follow them. 12 And this is the basic law of the Temple: absolute holiness! The entire top of the mountain where the Temple is built is holy. Yes, this is the basic law of the Temple.

idk about you.. but I want to be in the presence of the Lord.. I want to hear the Lord come in like rushing wind... I want to see it and feel it and know it.. not just in my spirit but also in my physical body...
I wonder.. is our lack of holiness what keeps God from really showing His presence?.. I don't think we really know what holiness even is.. I am sure I don't.. everything in the bible that was kept holy was separated.. what do we separate ourselves from? we may give up some things.. but not others.. I don't think we are taught about holiness.. about reverence of the Lord...
I remember when I was a kid we weren't allowed to put another book on top of the bible.. but now I do... so I have watered down my mother's respect or reverence for the physical word of God... yet I read it daily.. I keep it with me at all times.. are these just actions that don't mean anything? is the real reverence in our hearts sufficient?

I admit I don't know the answer to any of these questions... I do not walk in complete holiness.. as much as I desire to listen to the voice of God.. still there are times when I do not.. using the excuse that I am unsure if it is God or me thinking whatever it is... I guess if it does not bring shame to the name of God then I should do it whether I am sure or not.. but fear of rejection from people is strong within me.. although it never was before... we come so far in some areas then regress in others... I avoid the desires of the flesh.. yet occassionally I give in to them in one form or another.. I seem to not have enough self discipline to completely die to the flesh.. yet the bible states that we are free from it.. I can't tell... my body screams out with need sometimes.. yet I am to struggle to remain pure... waiting on God... and I could crawl out of my skin...

I believe with all of my heart that standing in the presence of God.. being able to see Him as I pillar of fire or a cloud is still possible.. He wants us to know Him and be sure that He is real.. what is it we are doing or not doing that is keeping Him from showing Himself in this manner? I am unsure... but I am sure that our lack of holiness is one of the things...

contentment...

Genesis 2: 21 So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep. While the man slept, the Lord God took out one of the man’s ribs and closed up the opening. 22 Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib, and he brought her to the man. 23 “At last!” the man exclaimed.“This one is bone from my bone, and flesh from my flesh! She will be called ‘woman,’ because she was taken from ‘man.’” 24 This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. 25 Now the man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame.

eve had it all.. she had everything that every woman longs for... and she was happy... until...
the enemy came in and led her to believe that there was something more.. something better.. and it was all a lie to begin with.. she already had God's best for her life.. and she allowed the enemy to get her to doubt her blessings.. doubt herself and ultimately doubt God's goodness...

I no longer want to be eve.. always looking for something more.. I am determined to be content where I am.. no.. better than that.. I will be happy... I see the goodness of the Lord and I am thankful and I am happy!!

promises...

Isaiah 43: 1 But now, O Jacob, listen to the Lord who created you. O Israel, the one who formed you says, “Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine. 2 When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up;
the flames will not consume you. 3 For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. I gave Egypt as a ransom for your freedom; I gave Ethiopia and Seba in your place. 4 Others were given in exchange for you. I traded their lives for yours because you are precious to me. You are honored, and I love you.

as God was teaching me about headship and submission... I went through this crazy time that I felt like God no longer loved me the most... I really had a hard time with having a head and needing to submit to anyone other than God Himself... and during this time.. any promises God gave me.. seemed like they must be for the head.. since he was the 'important' one... and I felt like I didn't matter the same as I used to...

yesterday.. I was reminded of this promise in the scripture above.. that was given to me by God.. and I realized.. this is for me.. all by myself too... maybe the person connected to me would also get the same promise... but the promise was given to me by God... for me.. so whatever goes on with him... God still has promises for me too... and he can choose to be part of them.. or not.. that is between him and Jesus.. but I still need to realize that God has promises just for me... and I am so thankful for that...

He called me by name... nothing will consume me.. others were given in exchange for me.. their lives were traded for mine.. because I am precious to Him... I am honored.. and He loves me...

Thank you Father! I love you too!

woman of honor...

it seems I have several places God chooses to speak to me.. one is the bathroom.. doesn't matter what I am doing in there.. He often comes into the bathroom... one is in the gym.. when I can't breathe.. He often talks... when my mind can't function above just gasping for air.. He is very easy to hear... another is while I am asleep or right before asleep.. or right as I am waking up.. I think this is due to consciousness not really being in full effect yet.. so I hear clearly...

today.. (not for the first time though) He spoke while I was doing my hair... and He said to me that women who really understand their true role.. are often wishing they had been made a man... that this was very common in the biblical times because a woman was a possession much like a cow or sheep... but when we realize we are really here for the man.. not vice versa.. then we still get to feeling like a second class citizen.. like God doesn't see us as important... but He said to me.. that we were chosen intentionally to be a woman.. and it is an honor.. not a disgrace...

maybe God uses a man to head the world.. but that head needs a neck to stand on.. and that is us.. if we are weak or out of place.. he cannot stay up anyways... but on top of that.. we have been given the responsibility of bringing life into the world.. and while we couldn't do this by ourself.. they could not do it without us... we are the single most influential person in the life of a child.. while a man is necessary in their upbringing... they need their mother... so there would not be the next generation without us... and as we see the decline in the value of our young people.. we know that this is due to the decline in the value of our families...

He told me that I am not an afterthought.. that He was very intentional in making me a woman.. and I happen to be a woman of great influence.. and this is also true of you... so whether you influence the lives in your household.. or the lives in a church.. or the lives throughout the world.. our influence can be used to change the future of this nation... so stand up.. be thankful to be a woman.. and live out your role.. to the men.. and to the children... and to other women... we are of great value... of great honor.. of great necessity...

betrayal

Mark 14: 10 Then Judas Iscariot, one of the twelve disciples, went to the leading priests to arrange to betray Jesus to them. 11 They were delighted when they heard why he had come, and they promised to give him money. So he began looking for an opportunity to betray Jesus.

17 In the evening Jesus arrived with the twelve disciples. 18 As they were at the table eating, Jesus said, “I tell you the truth, one of you eating with me here will betray me.” 19 Greatly distressed, each one asked in turn, “Am I the one?” 20 He replied, “It is one of you twelve who is eating from this bowl with me. 21 For the Son of Man must die, as the Scriptures declared long ago. But how terrible it will be for the one who betrays him. It would be far better for that man if he had never been born!”

45 As soon as they arrived, Judas walked up to Jesus. “Rabbi!” he exclaimed, and gave him the kiss.

I have been thinking.. how many times have we been betrayed in our lives.. I would have to say many... and usually it is by one of the people who is closest to you.. one of the few you trust.. if you didn't trust them.. then it really wouldn't be considered betrayal.. now would it...

someone we love cheats on us.. a best friend talks behind our back... telling all the things we said in private and confidence.. even if it is someone who we only remotely know.. and they are out there telling everyone lies about us.. and have everyone who is supposed to know who we really are.. now doubting us... and those willing to doubt us on the words of strangers... all of these people are betrayers... but in reality.. we have all played the part of the betrayer at some point in our lives...

how do we react to a betrayer? well good sense tells us to leave the person alone.. justification tells us to beat the person down.. but what does Jesus do to His betrayer? He kisses him.. and acts completely normal... ????? what ???? surely God does not think I can do that??

but that is exactly what God expects... some of the purpose of documenting Jesus' life is surely so that we have a role model to live by.. and He knew that Judas would betray Him long before it ever happened.. kept him in the inner circle despite his future.. most of us would have at least cut him off so he didn't have access to hurt us...

and it occurs to me... (lesson from Jesus...) if we shut the person out... if we treat them badly... if we retaliate.. all of these things cause our own walk to be questioned... by the betrayer.. but also by anyone watching.. if we continue to act in kindness.. like we did before the betrayal... then really.. other than what they make up in their head.. what can they say about us.. and our witness will show over time that we have been consistant and true...

it is not easy to live like Jesus lived.. but surely it is the best example we can ever have to follow...

fan the flames...

2 Timothy 1: 5 I remember your genuine faith, for you share the faith that first filled your grandmother Lois and your mother, Eunice. And I know that same faith continues strong in you. 6 This is why I remind you to fan into flames the spiritual gift God gave you when I laid my hands on you. 7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.
8 So never be ashamed to tell others about our Lord. And don’t be ashamed of me, either, even though I’m in prison for him. With the strength God gives you, be ready to suffer with me for the sake of the Good News. 9 For God saved us and called us to live a holy life. He did this, not because we deserved it, but because that was his plan from before the beginning of time—to show us his grace through Christ Jesus. 10 And now he has made all of this plain to us by the appearing of Christ Jesus, our Savior. He broke the power of death and illuminated the way to life and immortality through the Good News. 11 And God chose me to be a preacher, an apostle, and a teacher of this Good News.

fan into flames....
I have to say.. today I really need to be fanning some dying embers into flames... I am feeling some type of way... I am not sure how I would say what is really bothering me.. I don't really have an issue with this vision of God's anymore.. not that I would choose it willingly.. but God has chosen me for it.. and I know that is a great responsibility and an honor... so I try to stay on the thankful side of that...

but really.. can't the vision go along with me just once in a while.. I don't mean something small that happens and makes me feel hope for a day or two.. I mean something substantial.. something I can touch.. that lets me know that God is taking charge of this thing regardless of people... regardless of emotions or attitudes or desires...

is it a lack of faith to want something to touch and hold on to?? is it?

what about fanning the flames? does this mean we should be encouraging ourselves.. thinking back to the promise God gave us.. staying in the word so that we can meditate on God's faithfulness and love over generations... truthfully.. I can live in my mind.. I don't need any outside circumstances to make me or break me.. but the reason I don't do that anymore is because while I was living in my mind.. I was missing out on some of the good things that were really happening... I have missed almost all of my kids' growing up years because I had to live in my mind to not lose my sanity... I had to have a place to go where I could rest and feel God...

so I am still in the same place.. crying out and telling God.. please let me have something to hold on to...

keep watch and pray...

Mark 14: 27 On the way, Jesus told them, “All of you will desert me. For the Scriptures say, ‘God will strike the Shepherd,
and the sheep will be scattered.’ 28 But after I am raised from the dead, I will go ahead of you to Galilee and meet you there.” 29 Peter said to him, “Even if everyone else deserts you, I never will.” 30 Jesus replied, “I tell you the truth, Peter—this very night, before the rooster crows twice, you will deny three times that you even know me.” 31 “No!” Peter declared emphatically. “Even if I have to die with you, I will never deny you!” And all the others vowed the same.

32 They went to the olive grove called Gethsemane, and Jesus said, “Sit here while I go and pray.” 33 He took Peter, James, and John with him, and he became deeply troubled and distressed. 34 He told them, “My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.”

37 Then he returned and found the disciples asleep. He said to Peter, “Simon, are you asleep? Couldn’t you watch with me even one hour? 38 Keep watch and pray, so that you will not give in to temptation. For the spirit is willing, but the body is weak.”

God will strike the Shepherd and the sheep will be scattered.. how horrifying to know that those you have been closest to will all desert you in your time of need.. but you know.. I think sometimes when that happens to us.. it is for us to see that when times are really at their worst.. the only one that we really have to depend on is God.. He is really our only comfort.. it is nice to have people who will stand by us.. but somehow that never seems to be the case in the darkest hours... we end up alone with God when times are the darkest...

Peter is so sure that his faith in Jesus is strong.. he is so sure that he will not be the one to deny Him... how often do we feel like that... that we will stand strong in our convictions and our faith.. that will will not yield to temptation.. then we do...

but Jesus says to Peter.. keep watch and pray so that you will not give in to temptation... I wonder how often that would be the truth of us.. if we were keeping watch in prayer.. would we fall into temptation.. or would our focus be more clear.. and we be more likely to stand true to our convictions... I wonder how often our relationship with God is natural rather than spiritual.. and we think on a natural level.. and that is why our prayer life being strong is so important... so that we begin to see spiritually.. and less naturally..

change me O God.. help me keep watch and pray so that I will stand strong in your word..

deception...

1 Timothy 2: 9 And I want women to be modest in their appearance. They should wear decent and appropriate clothing and not draw attention to themselves by the way they fix their hair or by wearing gold or pearls or expensive clothes. 10 For women who claim to be devoted to God should make themselves attractive by the good things they do.
11 Women should learn quietly and submissively. 12 I do not let women teach men or have authority over them. Let them listen quietly. 13 For God made Adam first, and afterward he made Eve. 14 And it was not Adam who was deceived by Satan. The woman was deceived, and sin was the result. 15 But women will be saved through childbearing, assuming they continue to live in faith, love, holiness, and modesty.

I was thinking about being deceived recently... you would think.. that someone with relationship with God.. someone who talks with God.. someone who God talks to... would not be deceived... but look at eve... she had relationship with God.. she literally talked with Him and walked with Him... and yet she was deceived too...

look at how we think.. we think that people are attracted to us by what is on the outside.. and they are.. but this is not what really makes someone love us.. yet we think if we are unattractive.. then we will never be loved... we think that sex makes a man love us.. clearly this is deception... it never really does... a man loves you for who you are on the inside... he will leave you even if you are the best sex ever if your inside person is mean or foul... we think we can be whatever we want to be.. yet the bible tells us that our steps are ordered by God.. so in truth.. we can only be what He determines us to be... we think when we get old we are no longer of use or attractive.. yet some of the wisest and most beautiful people I have ever known were old...

I realized that in my own case.. and it seems to be truth for eve too... we know who God is.. we know what He stands for.. and that is exactly what the enemy uses to deceive us.. you would think he couldn't.. but that is it..
Genesis 3: 3 “It’s only the fruit from the tree in the middle of the garden that we are not allowed to eat. God said, ‘You must not eat it or even touch it; if you do, you will die.’” 4 “You won’t die!” the serpent replied to the woman. 5 “God knows that your eyes will be opened as soon as you eat it, and you will be like God, knowing both good and evil.” 6 The woman was convinced. She saw that the tree was beautiful and its fruit looked delicious, and she wanted the wisdom it would give her.

he used truth.. he said they would be able to see good and evil... and she wanted the wisdom it would give her... he told her she wouldn't die.. and while she didn't die right away.. surely she did die.. and on top of that.. there were curses associated with the sin...

being deceived is a big fear of mine... I have been deceived more than once... I pray not to be.. yet sometimes I am.. usually I am swayed by my personal desires... God seems to take way too long to give us what we want and what He says He will... I think it is in this time of waiting that we allow ourselves to be deceived most times... we have a hard time holding on and allowing God to do things His way.. when it seems like forever...

one day we will realize that unless God builds the house.. the workers work in vain... in other words.. everything we try to do on our own will fail.. we need to allow God to do it...

is it worth it?

I am a firm believer that the people with the biggest call upon their lives have the hardest road to travel..

this is biblical... from moses to joseph to david all the way to Jesus.. and it has continued on since.. with paul and so many others..

I didn't have a hard road to travel in the beginning.. I guess I did in some respects.. but not most of the way.. the troubles that I had were usually self inflicted... I look at my son and his are also self caused.. my daughter on the other hand has done most things right throughout her life and cannot seem to catch a break anywhere...

I don't know how people keep on going when the pain is unbearable.. it doesn't matter what kind of pain it is.. some people's pain is physical.. some is emotional.. I feel as if the world is crashing in on me.. I don't know what is so different that is making me feel really like I have no more to give.. but here I am.. everything within me is screaming out for me to run to the highest hills.. to take off running.. to decide that I have got to have the plan confused... I have got to be wrong.. nothing is working out.. I am miserable.. I feel like falling apart... how is this God's will?.. how is this God's plan? what happened to the vision that I saw.. it may not have looked easy.. but it didn't look this bad... how am I supposed to be sure this is from God when I cannot see my hand in front of my face??

there is nothing I can do to bring all this to pass.. there is nowhere for me to go... nothing for me to do...

if it turns out that I am right.. and it all falls into place... am I going to believe it was worth it... the bible tells us that we are a living sacrifice.. but I think until you are laying on the altar burning up.. you really don't get it.. it really can't be as crushing as it seems like it is.. it really can't be this bad.. yet here it is.. nothing in sight to make me believe things will get better... do you think Jesus.. or paul really felt like it was worth all they went through? I guess after death.. if you look back at all the changes their lives made.. then you can see it.. but while they were alive.. what did it feel like...

we can look at joseph.. he had a rough time for the first half of his life.. but he had an awesome second half... I would like to be like that.. to have things get better.. but I am not sure they do... where is the hope at? the hope is in the effect that is left behind... the struggle is worth it because possibly at least one person can be changed by the sacrifice that we have gone through.. keep our focus on you o Lord.. and off of what it feels like.. and what we want... keep our focus on what you are doing behind the scenes that we can't see.. in Jesus name.. amen..