the bible tells us that God does not look at the outward appearance of a person but looks at the heart... what does your heart look like really?

I have to be honest with myself and state that my heart is not looking too good right now and I am not sure God would choose me... I have been dealing with someone that is rude and disrespectful and I have come to not want anything to do with this person... more than that.. I see myself almost wishing harm on this person.. I don't think I would feel badly if something happened to them.. I can almost hear myself thinking that this was their just reward... 

well what if God gave me my just reward? would I still be alive to learn this lesson today? likely not... 

what is it that makes us think life should go great for us.. and some others too.. as long as they are not an issue to us.. but when they cause us havoc.. then we don't wish them well anymore.. well I think all of this is a natural response to being treated badly.. does that make it right? no... 

the true test of having the love of God for other people is to be able to pray blessings upon our enemies and wishing them well in spite of what they have done or how they are treating us... 

clearly I am still a work in progress.. thank you Lord for not giving up on me.. 

the bible says that women need to be loved and a man needs to be respected.. yet somehow we both sabotage our abilty to get that many times.. 

women sleep with men in the hopes that he will love her.. that he will love her and protect her for the rest of her life... 

men sleep with women in the hopes that he will never have to be attached to her.. so he treats her disrespectfully often times and then doesn't understand why she doesn't show him respect.. not only her.. but any woman that knows how he treats women in general... how do we respect a man that doesn't treat women with respect?

a man looks at a woman as easy because she sleeps with him looking for love.. so he doesn't respect her nor love her either one... 

for myself.. I have hurt men in the past because I was not allowing myself to get attached.. so I was just sleeping with them the way they sleep with women.. only I stayed with the same one... till they got retarded then I found someone else.. 

now.. I don't seem to be able to trust any man.. in any form.. 

I believe at the end of it all.. the only relationships that work out are the ones God put together.. so that is what it will need to be for me.. 

I was reading Genesis 3 last night and thinking... 

why did eve sin? what made her eat the fruit? 

I would say it was because she wanted to have something she felt she was missing out on.. 

if I think about this... when we sin.. it is because we are trying to get something more.. more attention.. more love.. more money.. more power.. more friends...

what makes us constantly want more? I have a happy life.. I have a great job.. I have family.. what more am I looking for?

to be honest with you it is sex.. or is it love on a personal level? I really am not sure.. I am not sure I can deal with someone in my private space all the time.. but I know I want to be intimate with someone.. but not only physically intimate.. I want someone to know me.. to be connected to me.. to love me all the time.. even when they don't like me so much... to not leave me... to not give up on me.. to value me enough to stay... 

and I know that God is all those things.. truly I am satisfied with God.. but I believe within us is the desire for communion with another person.. the bible says God created a woman because the man shouldn't be alone.. it wasn't good for him.. so I believe this is really God's plan for us... so why does it seem so elusive? 

this I don't have an answer for... I don't want sex.. I want love.. I want to give love and receive it back... sighs... 

and I am believing because this is God's will for mankind.. that He will put me in a relationship to have this.. in Jesus name..