Psalms 5: ¹ O Lord, hear me as I pray; pay attention to my groaning. ² Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for I pray to no one but you. ³ Listen to my voice in the morning, Lord. Each morning I bring my requests to you and wait expectantly.

⁴ O God, you take no pleasure in wickedness; you cannot tolerate the sins of the wicked. ⁵ Therefore, the proud may not stand in your presence, for you hate all who do evil. ⁶ You will destroy those who tell lies. The Lord detests murderers and deceivers.

⁷ Because of your unfailing love, I can enter your house; I will worship at your Temple with deepest awe. ⁸ Lead me in the right path, O Lord, or my enemies will conquer me. Make your way plain for me to follow.
⁹ My enemies cannot speak a truthful word. Their deepest desire is to destroy others. Their talk is foul, like the stench from an open grave. Their tongues are filled with flattery. ¹⁰ O God, declare them guilty. Let them be caught in their own traps. Drive them away because of their many sins, for they have rebelled against you.

¹¹ But let all who take refuge in you rejoice; let them sing joyful praises forever. Spread your protection over them, that all who love your name may be filled with joy. ¹² For you bless the godly, O Lord; you surround them with your shield of love.

 

I am so thankful to be able to go to the house of God.. I cannot honestly imagine living without going to church.. it doesn't matter to me if it is time for church or not.. I just like to go there and sit with Him... to spend time with Him... being alone with Him... it is a great gift to me...

 

lead me in the right path Lord.. surely I will be lost if He does not make the way plain.. as I am always veering off in one direction or another....

 

I will sing His praises forever... I am so thankful for His protection.. for His joy... that He blesses us... and surrounds us with His sheild of Love... that is a great mind picture...

1 Peter 2: ⁷ Yes, you who trust him recognize the honor God has given him. But for those who reject him,“The stone that the builders rejected has now become the cornerstone.” ⁸ And, “He is the stone that makes people stumble, the rock that makes them fall.” They stumble because they do not obey God’s word, and so they meet the fate that was planned for them.
⁹ But you are not like that, for you are a chosen people. You are royal priests, a holy nation, God’s very own possession. As a result, you can show others the goodness of God, for he called you out of the darkness into his wonderful light.

¹⁰ “Once you had no identity as a people; now you are God’s people. Once you received no mercy; now you have received God’s mercy.” ¹¹ Dear friends, I warn you as “temporary residents and foreigners” to keep away from worldly desires that wage war against your very souls. ¹² Be careful to live properly among your unbelieving neighbors. Then even if they accuse you of doing wrong, they will see your honorable behavior, and they will give honor to God when he judges the world.

He is the stone that makes them stumble... because they do not obey God's word... and they meet the fate that was planned for them... that is hard for many people to accept.. that God has chosen you or He hasn't... most people like to imagine that everyone could be saved but they choose not to be.. many times in the word of God it states that we are chosen by God or we are not... while that is sad... and even scary... thankfully.. we have been chosen or we wouldn't be seeking Him out as we do..

I can't say how thankful I am that God has called me out of darkness and into the light.. that He considers us a holy nation and His own possession...

I can so relate to the idea that I once had no identity and now God has given me one... He has given me value and a purpose... He has given me worth... a reason to wake up in the morning.. He has given me Love...

I know we are temporary residents and foreigners.. I remember when I was going out all the time.. I felt like I belonged.. like that was where I loved to be.. if I were to go now I would feel lost and outcast... I would feel out of place.. because I don't belong to this world.. even though I am in it.. I belong to Christ.. and I belong in His world... many days I wish I were able to go there.. even just to vacation there.. but that is not the plan... so we struggle and strive to not become more and more like this world... to remain separate and holy... and it is difficult... we have to always remember that people are watching us and expecting honorable behavior from us... and that we are a representation of Christ here on earth...

Lord touch us and help us to live worthy of the calling you have placed upon our lives...

“Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour. Stand firm against him, and be strong in your faith. Remember that your Christian brothers and sisters all over the world are going through the same kind of suffering you are.” 1 Peter 5:8-9 NLT

hard to imagine that anyone is going through the same thing as we are... we can see one another's struggle and see that we really don't understand it sometimes because we are not in the same thing.. we have compassion and we pray for one another.. but we don't really think anyone else is going through the same thing...

surely the idea of our issues is to destroy us.. to get us to get up and walk away once and for all from God... to get us to doubt that He even exists.. that He loves us... that He even sees us... that we matter to Him...

stand firm against all that comes against you... keep strong in your belief that God is for you so who can be against you... believe that when the time is right.. He will rescue you and all will be good again...

Psalms 143: ⁸ Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning, for I am trusting you. Show me where to walk, for I give myself to you. ¹⁰ Teach me to do your will, for you are my God. May your gracious Spirit lead me forward on a firm footing.
 

this morning I was wrestling with God.. I wanted to sleep and He did not want me to... and I started praying... and I asked him... to keep me on the path that He has planned for me... I wonder how many times in a day that we fall off God's path... I wonder if we often mess our lives up and make everything take even longer to get righted by falling off the path....
 

where is this path?... I am unsure if I know where it is... I am unsure if I know that I am on it or not... but because so much of our lives and relationship with God is based on faith and trust... all I can do is keep walking and believe that if I am right.. or if I am wrong.. then He will reveal it to me...
 

it seems in the past.. when I was surely on the wrong path... I heard so clearly that I was doing the wrong thing and going the wrong way... I don't hear that too much anymore... so it makes you wonder if you are in the right place... maybe when we are in the right place God doesn't talk much because there isn't much to be said as you are doing the right thing....
 

lead me Father... I give myself to you... teach me to do your will you are my God... give me firm footing.. and let me know new every morning how much you love me.. show me how to reveal my love for you... transform me daily to look less like me and more like you.... amen.amen.amen.

John 7: After this, Jesus traveled around Galilee. He wanted to stay out of Judea, where the Jewish leaders were plotting his death. ² But soon it was time for the Jewish Festival of Shelters, ³ and Jesus’ brothers said to him, “Leave here and go to Judea, where your followers can see your miracles! ⁴ You can’t become famous if you hide like this! If you can do such wonderful things, show yourself to the world!” ⁵ For even his brothers didn’t believe in him.

this annoys me... because people just refuse to see good in someone... especially the people who are closest to you... I can understand being skeptical at first.. but really.. if you were raised in the same house as Jesus... surely you have seen him do some things that you can't do... so you should at least know he isn't quite regular....

and what made them imagine he wanted to be famous? why do people automatically assume that we are trying to get people's attention? most of the people I know would rather not have all the attention that comes with being gifted and annointed... all is does is cause drama...

but it is God's will.. and so we still have to be shown to the world as a light of God... all we can do is keep pushing and stay humble... don't allow pride and jealousy to overtake us...

Proverbs 5: ²¹ For the Lord sees clearly what a man does, examining every path he takes. ²² An evil man is held captive by his own sins; they are ropes that catch and hold him. ²³ He will die for lack of self-control; he will be lost because of his great foolishness.

God clearly sees what we are doing and the paths we are taking.. I wonder what it is about us that makes us imagine that God will conform to the ways we want to take rather than us conforming to His ways... and while I would like to say that I don't really do that... I have done it for a lifetime... and of course.. God never does conform to my ways... and in the name of Jesus.. I am learning to conform to His ways!!

we are all held captive by our sins.... thankfully we are willing to put them aside now more than we ever have been in the past.. I want to only be held captive by Christ....

we will die for lack of self control.. there it is again.... self control.. we will be lost because of this foolishness...

I have come such a long way by God's leading and grace.. yet I look somedays and realize I have such a long, long way to go...

Matthew 19: 4“Haven’t you read the Scriptures?” Jesus replied. “They record that from the beginning ‘God made them male and female.’ 5 And he said, ‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ 6 Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.”

7 “Then why did Moses say in the law that a man could give his wife a written notice of divorce and send her away?” they asked.

8 Jesus replied, “Moses permitted divorce only as a concession to your hard hearts, but it was not what God had originally intended. 9 And I tell you this, whoever divorces his wife and marries someone else commits adultery—unless his wife has been unfaithful.”

strangely... this states if the WIFE is unfaithful.. not if the man is unfaithful.... (rude...)

moses permitted divorce as a concession to our hard hearts.. isn't that really the truth... we get tired of the mess.. decide we don't have to put up with this and walk away.... but it is so much bigger than just marriage.. don't we do this in every area of our lives..

I would say a hard heart is surely one of our biggest downfalls....

2 Samuel 6: Then David again gathered all the elite troops in Israel, 30,000 in all. ² He led them to Baalah of Judah to bring back the Ark of God, which bears the name of the Lord of Heaven’s Armies, who is enthroned between the cherubim. ³ They placed the Ark of God on a new cart and brought it from Abinadab’s house, which was on a hill. Uzzah and Ahio, Abinadab’s sons, were guiding the cart as it left the house, ⁴ carrying the Ark of God. Ahio walked in front of the Ark. ⁵ David and all the people of Israel were celebrating before the Lord, singing songs and playing all kinds of musical instruments—lyres, harps, tambourines, castanets, and cymbals.
⁶ But when they arrived at the threshing floor of Nacon, the oxen stumbled, and Uzzah reached out his hand and steadied the Ark of God. ⁷ Then the Lord’s anger was aroused against Uzzah, and God struck him dead because of this. So Uzzah died right there beside the Ark of God. ⁸ David was angry because the Lord’s anger had burst out against Uzzah. He named that place Perez-uzzah (which means “to burst out against Uzzah”), as it is still called today.

⁹ David was now afraid of the Lord, and he asked, “How can I ever bring the Ark of the Lord back into my care?” ¹⁰ So David decided not to move the Ark of the Lord into the City of David. Instead, he took it to the house of Obed-edom of Gath.

when david decided to move the ark.. which carried the presence of God... he did not bother to look in the law of moses and determine HOW God told them to move the ark.. so what they did was not done by God's laws... most of my life I have felt God was ridiculous in this.. I felt that david was trying to do a good thing and God went overboard by killing a man who was just trying to make sure that the ark didn't fall.... that is completely worldly thinking....

God's ways are not our ways... before Jesus died and tore the curtain that hung before the holy of holies.. there was very few people who had access to God personally... most everyone had to go through a priest... when the priest went into the holy of holies.. where God resides.. he had a rope tied around his waist because if he had sin in his life that was unconfessed then he would die in there and they had to be able to pull him out.. and they couldn't go in to get him or they would die too....

I felt God was telling me in this scripture that we do not give Him enough respect.. enough reverence... we view Him as if He is more of a genie in a bottle than the creator of all things.. we look more to Him for what He will do for us on a personal level than what He will do for the world... we keep looking at our own world yet our true purpose is a kingdom purpose... not as much a personal purpose...

david got afraid of the Lord... he left the ark where it was pretty much.. .LOL... how very like us.. when we get scared.. we realize who God really is.. His Awesomeness.. His Power.. His Majesty... then we get scared and want to run from Him.. and really that is the whole reason we should be running toward Him.. because He alone is worthy to be worshipped and praised and magnified and adored and honored.... only God is worthy to be a god to us.... keep God first and everything else will fall into place...

God is REALLY SERIOUS about teaching me to obey Him and trust Him!!

I have been getting my nails done for a really long time... honestly... like 15-20years... most nail shops are owned by asians... and there are usually idols.. buddahs in the shop.. and they have food and drink set before this idol... (that of course never gets consumed)... when God got serious about cleansing me and changing me... He stopped me from going to these shops with idols in them by having my hands burn like as if on fire when they tried to touch me... so I prayed about it.. and He revealed to me that it is about the idols and that I am to not be defiled.. because I could defile someone else...

so in this conversation... I laugh and say to God.. when you find me a nail shop that does not worship idols.. I will go there... and He shows me a shop... I go in and I say to the woman... I have the craziest question for you... do you have a buddah in here? she said no.. I am a christian... (asian woman) she said my name is mary.. and my husband's name is joseph... so I start laughing and tell Jesus.. oh so you got jokes now....

I go to this shop since 2008... then they sold it... to a woman that is christian but she is not good at nails... I went without nails at all for about 3 weeks... today I go to get my nails done.. at a place I went to before God sent me to the christians... and she is glad to see me.. she actually even asks me to go out with her tonight and I am very tempted.. but somehow say no.... while she is doing my nails.. (new set mind you...) I am uncomfortable about Jesus.. and I say Lord.. I promise you... if you show me who I can go to that is christian.. I promise you I will....

this afternoon.. just a few minutes ago... 2hrs after getting the nails done... I get a text from the woman that used to do my nails and moved away... telling me that she is back... she is christian... and I realize.. I should have just waited on God... but it just felt like there was no answer...

how often do I take things into my own hands because I can't see the answer that God is bringing.. even if it is right around the corner... how soon will I really learn what trusting God really is? how soon until I finally learn to be completely obedient... even when I can't see the answer... can I trust He will bring it... I am really wishing I had waited and let her put the new set on me.... I am sorry Lord... continue to forgive me and work with me as I learn to follow you....

John 15: ⁹ “I have loved you even as the Father has loved me. Remain in my love. ¹⁰ When you obey my commandments, you remain in my love, just as I obey my Father’s commandments and remain in his love. ¹¹ I have told you these things so that you will be filled with my joy. Yes, your joy will overflow! ¹² This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you. ¹³ There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. ¹⁴ You are my friends if you do what I command. ¹⁵ I no longer call you slaves, because a master doesn’t confide in his slaves. Now you are my friends, since I have told you everything the Father told me. ¹⁶ You didn’t choose me. I chose you. I appointed you to go and produce lasting fruit, so that the Father will give you whatever you ask for, using my name. ¹⁷ This is my command: Love each other.

so again this morning God is talking to me about being obedient to Him... and He tells me that our obedience or lack of it is really based upon our love for Him... and I think about that... and I would like to say I love you even when I don't obey you... but God has chosen us special... He has loved us without ending... the least we can do in return is to be obedient to what He asks of us....

I am coming to realize that the day to day.. not spiritual things.. like being good stewards of our belongings and our people entrusted to us... those things show how much we really love God.. because us being loving to others.. that really isn't about them being loveable all the time.. it certainly isn't about us just being oh so loving on our own... it is about being more Christlike.. about allowing God to fill us with His love and let it flow out from us.. day to day... maybe we can change a world.... one person at a time...

Matthew 7: ¹⁹ So every tree that does not produce good fruit is chopped down and thrown into the fire. ²⁰ Yes, just as you can identify a tree by its fruit, so you can identify people by their actions. ²¹ “Not everyone who calls out to me, ‘Lord! Lord!’ will enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Only those who actually do the will of my Father in heaven will enter. ²² On judgment day many will say to me, ‘Lord! Lord! We prophesied in your name and cast out demons in your name and performed many miracles in your name.’ ²³ But I will reply, ‘I never knew you. Get away from me, you who break God’s laws.’

okay... for me.. this blows the whole.. 'all who believe will be saved' story...

so I first accepted Christ at age 5.. and had some type of relationship with Him all along.. but not enough to truly change my actions... until the last 6-7years... after I gave up all the worldly things that I thought I loved... my relationship with God changed.. and I then began to wonder if I had ever really been saved before that... I know He was covering me and still chasing me down to get me to change.. but until I changed.. was I really saved? I am not sure..

and this is Jesus talking.. and it is new testament.. so that blows everyone's imagination that our actions are irrelevant and we can live any type of way and still be good with God...

I realize we all still fall and come short.. but I believe the difference is in the heart.. before.. I fell because I wanted to... I planned it out... I decided to do it.. that is rarely the case now... most of the shortcomings I have now.. I don't realize them until they are already done... then I am again asking forgiveness and trying to not allow it to happen again... I also don't feel I really repented before the way that I repent now... I am truly from the heart upset by my shortcomings now... I don't want to hurt God.. I want to be all that He has called me to be...

living righteously is more important than most people want to realize....

I am so thankful for the truth of who God is.. and no longer living under the fantasy that God does not judge us... or He does not discipline us... or He does not punish us for sin... to be punished for our wrongs.. is proof that God loves us... if He didn't love us.. He would let us live any type of way...

thank you Father for loving me.. enough to teach me when I am wrong...

Psalms 141: ³ Take control of what I say, O Lord, and guard my lips.

I am doing a 7 day devotional on gossip.. this was today's scripture...

I think daily this is a prayer I should have... not only because of saying negative things.. but also saying irrelevant words.. yesterdays scripture was that we will all have to answer for every idle word we speak....

that is pretty big to me.. as I tend to talk sometimes just to hear myself.. I am getting better and better at it.. but still... not where I need to be.. I think that if we were able to control our mouths.. we will have come a long long way on this walk with Christ... my witness would be greatly improved if I didn't speak some of the things that I speak.. I think our words are a responsiblity we take far too lightly...

take control of what I say Lord and guard my lips.. every single day... amen.amen.amen.

Luke 22: ³¹ “Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift each of you like wheat. ³² But I have pleaded in prayer for you, Simon, that your faith should not fail. So when you have repented and turned to me again, strengthen your brothers.”

on wednesday mornings I listen in on a prayer call from someone very near and dear to me... and this is the scripture she used one morning... as she was reading it I was thinking...

satan has to ASK permission to sift us... yet he is granted it....

while I am not thrilled about that idea... I know at the gym.. if I never raise the weight I lift or the resistance on my bike.. then I never get any stronger... I stay stagnant... so the enemy is given permission to try us... because if we stay in the same place.. doing the same things.. then we don't grow... we become stagnant...

but Jesus has pleaded in prayer for us...

how awesome is that.. the idea that Jesus is in the heavens pleading for us in prayer... the pleading part is exceptional.. but even the realization that He is praying for me is more than I can imagine...

He is praying that our faith does not fail...

I think that is to mean.. that even though we mess up.. we fall.. we hurt Christ's feelings.. we sin... we deny Him... at the end of it... we will still have faith... our faith will not totally give out on us... that is a struggle I have been having over the past few months... I had been ready to completely give up on everything... but at the bottom of that... I still believe in God.. I still believe in Jesus.. I still know I am saved... so while my endurance might seem to fail... my faith does not... at the end of the rope.. there is a knot of knowing who God is.. that keeps me hanging on.....

WHEN we have repented and returned again to Him... we are to strengthen others...

not if we repent.. not will we repent... but WHEN.. meaning it is a sure thing... that we will repent and return to Him...

then we are to strengthen others... that the purpose of our own mistakes can be used to strengthen someone else and possibly keep them from making the same mistakes as us... and that is a good thing... sometimes I wish I could learn more from others rather than having to go through everything on my own...

thank you Jesus for praying for me... for believing in me.. for keeping my faith when I am not sure I can....

Matthew 10: ³⁷ “If you love your father or mother more than you love me, you are not worthy of being mine; or if you love your son or daughter more than me, you are not worthy of being mine. ³⁸ If you refuse to take up your cross and follow me, you are not worthy of being mine. ³⁹ If you cling to your life, you will lose it; but if you give up your life for me, you will find it.

you know.. we hear things but don't really accept them.. we have read this scripture hundreds of times.. yet do we really hear what it says? if you love your son or daughter more than God then we are not worthy of being His... really.. hear what is being said... do we love God more than our child? more than the child we carried in our belly for 9months.. the child we gave birth to in pain.. the child we have raised for 18yrs.. the child we see every single day and know all of their good points and all of their weaknesses... do we love God more than this being that was created by God using our body.....

we can't even see God.. while we know He is there... how much can we really love a being that we cannot look at.... enough to allow a child you birthed from your own body to die for Him.... do we really love God the way Abraham loved God.. enough to sacrifice our own son.... it is easy to say oh yes! I love God that much.... but it is really another thing to be faced with the truth of it...

I think in all of our lives... at some point... God makes us give up the person we love the most... whether it is a man or a child or a parent... and usually people represent something in our lives.. like for a woman a man may represent security or stability... a child may represent complete love... so when we give up this person.. we are also giving up what they represent.... we are giving that over to God too.... and allowing him to become our complete love.. or our security and stability... our trust...

I think it is only when we are faced with the reality that we cannot change anything He determines to do... we cannot make anything happen... that is when we are able to give it up to God and throw our hands in the air and realize... I have to believe that He has everyone's best interest in mind... regardless of what it looks like or feels like.. and we have to let go and allow Him to work it all out.. whatever way He chooses to do so...

this is how we learn to love God... and that He really is faithful... that He really is trustworthy.. and He really will catch us before we hit the ground................ I love me some Jesus... I am so thankful for His life... His death... His resurrection... His reigning... His kingdom...

Psalms 62: ¹ I wait quietly before God, for my victory comes from him. ² He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will never be shaken. ³ So many enemies against one man— all of them trying to kill me. To them I’m just a broken-down wall
or a tottering fence. ⁴ They plan to topple me from my high position. They delight in telling lies about me. They praise me to my face but curse me in their hearts.

quietly... I am battling that one now.. and doing better than I have ever done before... God is telling me ahead of time that something is not necessary to be said and I am not saying it.. YAY about that!!

idk about ya'll but I really feel that God alone is my rock and fortress.. I would be a shaking mess without Him... I can walk away from many things and know I will be all right.. but God is not in that list... I cannot go a day without Him... without His word... truly I love my bibles.. I read them little bits at a time all day long...

so many enemies against one man... I had imagined that I really don't have alot of people who are my enemies... yea.. .I know that was a ridiculous statement...  I have many many enemies.. people who don't even know my name... people who don't like me just because of my appearance or my attitude or my knowledge... whatever it may be at the time... I doubt they think I am a broken down wall or tottering fence... even when in the face of adversity or anger from someone.. I tend to appear very confident.. even when I am not... they praise me to my face and curse me in their hearts.. I think we all deal with people like that...

the truth is.. God will bring us into victory at some point.. probably not as soon as we wish He would.. but eventually He will... and I am thankful for that!

Psalms 119: ¹⁴⁰ Your promises have been thoroughly tested; that is why I love them so much. ¹⁴¹ I am insignificant and despised, but I don’t forget your commandments. ¹⁴² Your justice is eternal, and your instructions are perfectly true. ¹⁴³ As pressure and stress bear down on me, I find joy in your commands. ¹⁴⁴ Your laws are always right; help me to understand them so I may live.

this morning I woke up and in my inbox on my phone is my verse of the day.. and it was "as pressure and stress bear down on me.. I find joy in your commands"

I have to admit.. I am not always able to find joy during pressure or during pain... and while my back has been sending me into live coniptions... I have not been too full of joy...

I am wondering this morning... if the reason God puts physical pain on us.. or emotional pressure or stress.. isn't to see just how we act when in pain or pressure... it is one thing to remain pleasant and full of the joy of the Lord when things are smooth.. even if they aren't smooth.. at least if they aren't all out hell... but what happens to our attitude and our actions when pressure and pain is pushed on us heavily? does our attitude go south....

I think mine does.. and it is completely unintentional... I cannot seem to rationally think when pain is great... I remember being in high stress when I was married and he was on drugs and drunk and mean and I just couldn't seem to think straight.. it was too much pressure... and I couldn't come out of the house because I couldn't function around people... and I am right this minute feeling that way about the pain in my back.. this is nerve pain.. and it is horrific... and I literally could scream out from it...

but what is supposed to be our reactions to rough times? I think... I wonder if we are to STILL even in this time of terribleness... still supposed to be a smiling light unto the world... wouldn't that be the true representation of Christ?

don't get me wrong... I can be smiling and pleasant for short bouts of time while in this pain and duress... but then I need to get home by myself and not be bothered talking or pretending all is good....

maybe the greatest witness we have is our witness while in pain and pressure... maybe that is really when people can look and think... whew! she is really christlike... it is not just a surface act.. it is deep down and real...

Father, your laws are always right.... help me to understand them so I may live by them...

change me Lord so that I am created in your likeness.. and not the likeness of my circumstances or feelings... in Jesus name I ask it.. amen.amen.amen.

Isaiah 51: ¹⁵ For I am the Lord your God, who stirs up the sea, causing its waves to roar. My name is the Lord of Heaven’s Armies. ¹⁶ And I have put my words in your mouth and hidden you safely in my hand. I stretched out the sky like a canopy
and laid the foundations of the earth. I am the one who says to Israel, ‘You are my people!’”

I am thankful that God is my God... that He is the creator and my God...

I look at the verse that says "I have put my words in your mouth" and I think.. hmmmm... idk if that is true all the time!! while I do better with the things I say.. surely I am not where God is putting all the words in my mouth... or is He? maybe the truth of it is that He is in control of ALL things.. and I wouldn't be able to say anything without Him allowing it... that all of the words of my mouth.. even the wrong ones.. are used by God as learning experiences to teach me to do better each day than the day before...

He has hidden me safely in His hand... nothing can reach me that He has not allowed.. so He is limiting the things that can come near me.. not everything or everyone can get near me or hurt me or even do me good... He limits my life situations with His knowledge of what I can manage at the moment... and that is a true gift...

and He says He is my God and I am His people... and words cannot even express how thankful I am that He desires me to be His people... because I am not always a wonderful person... yet He loves me anyways... that is a gift that words cannot even express gratitude for...

sometimes I look at how people treat me.. whether it be good or bad.. and relate it to how I treat God... and I many times think I am so lucky that He hasn't destroyed me for the way that I treat Him... I have surely left many people for less.... and yet He stands with me.. trying to get me to see His endless love for me.. trying to get me to accept it... trying to get me to return it... and for that I am so grateful....

Matthew 10: ²⁷ What I tell you now in the darkness, shout abroad when daybreak comes. What I whisper in your ear, shout from the housetops for all to hear!

so over the last week or two.. God is really talking to me about the words I speak... as I have been battling with anger and being upset... and thinking God should be moving His hand in several areas in several people's lives... here He is.. talking about my words... and I am thinking.. quit worrying about MY words and start to speak LIFE into these situations Lord!!

then I get this scripture early this morning.. and I realize.. I need to be speaking it!! I need to be praying it out and bringing God's will into existance between the words of my mouth and the prayers I pray to God....

let's get one thing straight though.. this is a point of massive irritation for me... we cannot speak into existance what is not in God's will... we can talk all day long and if God is not in agreement.. then it is worthless words and we will never get anywhere....

now.. that being cleared up... I am thinking.. as I have been upset.. I had not been speaking life as I should have been.. I have been angry and I have been speaking negative words... and some of these things are truth.. but I need to be speaking and praying positive instead of negative... the issue begins in the thoughts.. I was saying out loud what I was thinking in my mind.. so I need to change what I am thinking... I need my mind transformed into a good place.. a positive place.. a praising place!

I am thankful today that God even cares what I say... that He cares enough for me to rebuke me and tell me to change what I speak and do better... I am so thankful that He cares for me!

Luke 10: ¹⁶ Then he said to the disciples, “Anyone who accepts your message is also accepting me. And anyone who rejects you is rejecting me. And anyone who rejects me is rejecting God, who sent me.”
¹⁷ When the seventy-two disciples returned, they joyfully reported to him, “Lord, even the demons obey us when we use your name!”

¹⁸ “Yes,” he told them, “I saw Satan fall from heaven like lightning! ¹⁹ Look, I have given you authority over all the power of the enemy, and you can walk among snakes and scorpions and crush them. Nothing will injure you. ²⁰ But don’t rejoice because evil spirits obey you; rejoice because your names are registered in heaven.”

God thinks we take acceptance to personally... He thinks it really is not us that people are or are not accepting to begin with.. if we are a reflection of Him.. and we are accepted.. it is really Him in us that they are accepting... and if we are not accepted.. then it is really Him in us that they are rejecting... Jesus was the greatest man that ever lived yet few people really accepted Him.. He was rejected by multitudes because He is a reflection of Christ...

God has given us authority over the enemy... what if the snakes and scorpions we are coming against are in the form of people... the bible says we have the authority to defeat them... we should not use this authority wrongly.. but when we are attacked.. we have the authority through Christ to cast these spirits out and away... they may come back.. over and over.. and repeatedly we may need to cast them out... but God's protection is over us.. if we are living our lives to bring glory to God.. He will protect us in His mighty right hand...

so we can stop fearing what may happen.. we can stop worrying about people coming against us... we have power through the name of Christ.. and we have the protection of God... thank you Father for these gifts!!

1 samuel 18: ⁹ So from that time on Saul kept a jealous eye on David. ¹⁰ The very next day a tormenting spirit from God overwhelmed Saul, and he began to rave in his house like a madman. David was playing the harp, as he did each day. But Saul had a spear in his hand, ¹¹ and he suddenly hurled it at David, intending to pin him to the wall. But David escaped him twice.

¹² Saul was then afraid of David, for the Lord was with David and had turned away from Saul. ¹³ Finally, Saul sent him away and appointed him commander over 1,000 men, and David faithfully led his troops into battle. ¹⁴ David continued to succeed in everything he did, for the Lord was with him. ¹⁵ When Saul recognized this, he became even more afraid of him.

so here is david.. doing exactly what he is told to do.. living to please this king with tormenting spirit given by God... and the man is NOW hurling spears at him...

you know.. I think we imagine.. at least I know that I do.. that things will get better in God's will... not worse.. and doesn't the bible say that the safest place to be is in the middle of God's will... so here is david.. one of God's favorite people.. and he is in God's will and the crazy king wants to kill him...

how is it.. that we go into God's will and here we are with even worse troubles than we had previously?? and what is it that makes us even stay in God's will or seeking Him when this is the case??

well.. with me.. I can tell you.. I may have done more things when I was not following behind God's will... and I may have had more friends.. and I may have had fun... but there was this deep emptiness within me.. a longing for something that I couldn't describe.. an ache for something and I had no idea what it even was.. and I had no peace.. I had no real and lasting joy down within... so now.. even though I want things to be different in some ways... I have peace.. I have contentment.. I have God's love... I am satisfied.... that is the thing that is missing when we chase the world.. the contentment... the peace...

so while things are not going as I would have planned.. and I wonder if I have any idea where I am supposed to be going... I will stick with Jesus.. even though someone may throw spears at me.. because Jesus will deflect them.. and if He doesn't.. then I will be going home to be with Him.. and that is all anyone can hope for!

Galatians 3: ²⁶ For you are all children of God through faith in Christ Jesus. ²⁷ And all who have been united with Christ in baptism have put on Christ, like putting on new clothes.

on saturday I realized... I am good.. I am content with my life... if I never receive the promises of God... I am still good... I believe in God as my Savior and my Father and the Lover of my soul...

if I misunderstood something that I thought would happen in my lifetime.. then I am still good... I don't really need it... God is enough... my life as it is... is enough...

I think this comes from my faith in Christ Jesus...

I think that because I believe Jesus was born on earth.. and died and rose again to save me... that I am satisfied with whatever else does or does not happen...

I am complete in Christ....

I still desire the things God said... but they are just gravy... He is the meal... He is the meat that satisfies me and makes me strong... if I get the gravy... then that just makes it all the better...

I am happy...

what do you do when you have lost your faith...
I don't mean that you don't believe in God... I mean you have lost the faith to bring the promises to pass...
so what happens if the things I have believed and have seen all this time never come to pass... what then... that is the place where I am today....

I wonder about Sarah.. how did she hold on to the promise of the child long after her body had gone dead... or did she even hold on to it?
and about Job... how long did he wait on things to turn around before they did and all the while his friends are telling him that this surely is about some sin on his part.. and God refused to speak at all.. saying nothing.. did he begin to believe maybe it was about him after all....
or noah.. building the crazy ark at a time when rain had never fallen... and here he is..
building an ark the size of a city... and surely everyong laughing at him all the while... did he wonder if he imagined it all up? even though he kept going forward in building it.. was he wondering if he really had lost his mind...

this is where I am today.. did I imagine all this up.. even though it was given in such detail and clarity... nothing is moving.... nothing changing... everything looking like something else... sounding like something else... and my faith for this promise and vision have run out... so now.. at the edge of this.. I have no purpose... no reason for being here.. I have lost the reason for my life and future.... so now what? what does someone do when this is where you are??

so for this past few months I have been battling.. just giving up... walking away from the church that I know I am supposed to be at... leaving the ministry I excel in because I allowed people's negative words to affect me... so what am I even here for?

today I realize... does the vision really matter to me? I mean really.. I didn't want it to begin with... I don't like it a large part of the time.. so does that really matter?... and I guess it doesn't... I guess if I were right.. then God needs to do whatever it is He wants to do... and I will go along with whatever He does... but me.. I realize... I'm good... I am happy in my life.. I don't really want for anything.. I don't need anything... I am more satisfied and at peace than I have ever been in my past.. so why keep praying for something that will just disrupt my life anyways...

I will continue to follow God.. to do things God's ways... to seek Him daily... and to live a life that shows all that He means to me... I am thankful that God has chosen me to be one of His children... I will live to show that thankfulness... if I never receive the promise... my relationship with my Father is enough to keep me serving Him and following Him...
that is what you realize when your faith is gone... that God is all that mattered anyways.. and as long as He allows me to spend time with Him... I am satisfied... happy... thankful...

1 Peter 2: 7 Yes, you who trust him recognize the honor God has given him. But for those who reject him,“The stone that the builders rejected has now become the cornerstone.” 8 And, “He is the stone that makes people stumble, the rock that makes them fall.” They stumble because they do not obey God’s word, and so they meet the fate that was planned for them.
9 But you are not like that, for you are a chosen people. You are royal priests, a holy nation, God’s very own possession. As a result, you can show others the goodness of God, for he called you out of the darkness into his wonderful light.
10 “Once you had no identity as a people; now you are God’s people. Once you received no mercy; now you have received God’s mercy.” 11 Dear friends, I warn you as “temporary residents and foreigners” to keep away from worldly desires that wage war against your very souls. 12 Be careful to live properly among your unbelieving neighbors. Then even if they accuse you of doing wrong, they will see your honorable behavior, and they will give honor to God when he judges the world.

He is the stone that makes them stumble... because they do not obey God's word... and they meet the fate that was planned for them... that is hard for many people to accept.. that God has chosen you or He hasn't... most people like to imagine that everyone could be saved but they choose not to be.. many times in the word of God it states that we are chosen by God or we are not... while that is sad... and even scary... thankfully.. we have been chosen or we wouldn't be seeking Him out as we do..

I can't say how thankful I am that God has called me out of darkness and into the light.. that He considers us a holy nation and His own possession...

I can so relate to the idea that I once had no identity and now God has given me one... He has given me value and a purpose... He has given me worth... a reason to wake up in the morning.. He has given me Love...

I know we are temporary residents and foreigners.. I remember when I was going out all the time.. I felt like I belonged.. like that was where I loved to be.. if I were to go now I would feel lost and outcast... I would feel out of place.. because I don't belong to this world.. even though I am in it.. I belong to Christ.. and I belong in His world... many days I wish I were able to go there.. even just to vacation there.. but that is not the plan... so we struggle and strive to not become more and more like this world... to remain separate and holy... and it is difficult... we have to always remember that people are watching us and expecting honorable behavior from us... and that we are a representation of Christ here on earth...
Lord touch us and help us to live worthy of the calling you have placed upon our lives...

Jeremiah 42: 9 He said to them, “You sent me to the Lord, the God of Israel, with your request, and this is his reply: 10 ‘Stay here in this land. If you do, I will build you up and not tear you down; I will plant you and not uproot you. For I am sorry about all the punishment I have had to bring upon you. 11 Do not fear the king of Babylon anymore,’ says the Lord. ‘For I am with you and will save you and rescue you from his power. 12 I will be merciful to you by making him kind, so he will let you stay here in your land.’
13 “But if you refuse to obey the Lord your God, and if you say, ‘We will not stay here; 14 instead, we will go to Egypt where we will be free from war, the call to arms, and hunger,’ 15 then hear the Lord’s message to the remnant of Judah. This is what the Lord of Heaven’s Armies, the God of Israel, says: ‘If you are determined to go to Egypt and live there, 16 the very war and famine you fear will catch up to you, and you will die there. 17 That is the fate awaiting every one of you who insists on going to live in Egypt. Yes, you will die from war, famine, and disease. None of you will escape the disaster I will bring upon you there.’
18 “This is what the Lord of Heaven’s Armies, the God of Israel, says: ‘Just as my anger and fury have been poured out on the people of Jerusalem, so they will be poured out on you when you enter Egypt. You will be an object of damnation, horror, cursing, and mockery. And you will never see your homeland again.’ 19 “Listen, you remnant of Judah. The Lord has told you: ‘Do not go to Egypt!’ Don’t forget this warning I have given you today.

a few years ago.. I was ready to leave augusta... to go back to pa and resume my former life... and as I was contemplating this... because of situations here that I was unhappy about.. this is the scripture God had given me...

as much as I wanted to go back to what was familiar... I was too afraid... because the scripture said that everything that bothered me here.. would follow me there.. so I stayed here... and things may not be what I want them to be.. but God has surely provided for my every need.. and most of my wants... He has surely been kind and generous to me...

it is funny how often we make decisions in the heat of a moment without consulting God.. or God doesn't answer the same day we wanted.. so we go rushing forward in what we are thinking without waiting to hear from God... when Jeremiah went to God on this issue it was 10 days before he got his reply... I am sure that was a long 10 days for the people... the worst part is.. they disobeyed what God told them to do.. and the war they feared came after them in egypt.. and they were in a worse state than before...

God will speak to us.. give us direction.. but are we willing to wait for His reply? and if it is not what we wanted to hear.. are we willing to do what He said anyways? what good is an answer from God that we don't take?
Lord tune us in to your voice... give us the sense to ask your direction.. and the greater sense to take it when it is given... in Jesus name we ask.. amen...

(p.s. funny... I wrote this in the morning.. to be posted when I get home.. and a preacher preached some of this to us this evening..)

my thoughts of halloween...  

I have very fond memories of halloween... we used to get dressed and would go as a neighborhood gang to all the surrounding areas and get candy.. we took pillowcases because that was how much candy we would come back with...  

I actually had my kids trick or treat when they were smaller... and didn't think too much about it.. I thought if I did it and I'm fine.. why wouldn't they be too? if I had children right now.. would I have them celebrate halloween? I doubt it...

I think we are far too often passive when it comes to demonic influence... I think people don't really even know the truth of witchcraft and the reality that people we all know are engaging in it.. probably people attending church where we do... we don't realize that 'white witches' chant spells and incantations using the same KJV of the bible that we use.. because of the power of the words.. and they would tell you that they are just 'helping' God to accomplish His will... I assure you.. .God does not need us... He is fully capable of accomplishing His will without us doing anything other than spreading the gospel of Christ...

I know I am covered by the blood of Jesus.. I know that demonic forces can do nothing to me without the permission of God.. I know that the enemy was allowed by God to do many things to Job that I certainly don't want done to me... and that was without him allowing himself access to influence of demonic forces...

there are many people who call themselves christians.. yet go to psychics... they read horoscopes.. they post these things on their web pages... yet say that they follow Christ... the bible says you cannot serve two masters..

leviticus 20: 6 “I will also turn against those who commit spiritual prostitution by putting their trust in mediums or in those who consult the spirits of the dead. I will cut them off from the community.

I believe the truth of the issue is the fact that we no longer walk in the level of righteousness and holiness that God expects from us.. sin is acceptable because of grace.. yet if we truly understood grace.. we would realize that sin is UNacceptable because of grace... maybe we have become too passive about everything.. maybe the reason the world isn't uncomfortable around the christians today is because they are the same.. there is no separation.. they do the same things and believe the same things... we are no longer a peculiar people.. holy and set apart... we have allowed ourselves to no longer have a transformed mind but instead think just like the world...

we desire to live for self and not for God... that is the truth at the bottom of it all...

if God would see you tonight.. would He have been pleased... or would He have thought you were part of the world and not part of the church.... even if you happened to be at the church...

1 samuel 16: 14 Now the Spirit of the Lord had left Saul, and the Lord sent a tormenting spirit that filled him with depression and fear. 15 Some of Saul’s servants said to him, “A tormenting spirit from God is troubling you.

16 Let us find a good musician to play the harp whenever the tormenting spirit troubles you. He will play soothing music, and you will soon be well again.” 17 “All right,” Saul said. “Find me someone who plays well, and bring him here.” 18 One of the servants said to Saul, “One of Jesse’s sons from Bethlehem is a talented harp player. Not only that—he is a brave warrior, a man of war, and has good judgment. He is also a fine-looking young man, and the Lord is with him.” 19 So Saul sent messengers to Jesse to say, “Send me your son David, the shepherd.” 20 Jesse responded by sending David to Saul, along with a young goat, a donkey loaded with bread, and a wineskin full of wine. 21 So David went to Saul and began serving him. Saul loved David very much, and David became his armor bearer.

22 Then Saul sent word to Jesse asking, “Please let David remain in my service, for I am very pleased with him.” 23 And whenever the tormenting spirit from God troubled Saul, David would play the harp. Then Saul would feel better, and the tormenting spirit would go away.

we never imagine a tomenting spirit would come from God.. yet here it is.. in the word of God... I am ever amazed at how little people actually know God and the things that He would do.. people would think anything unpleasant comes from the enemy and that is surely not the truth... God is the one that put the Israelites in slavery... God has been known to open up the earth and swallow people up... but people don't really read their bible so they don't really know anything... they have no reverence of God.. no real fear of His power... and we should... all of us should....

saul loves david very much in the beginning.. but before long he is trying to kill him because of insecurity and jealousy... I am deciding that insecurity is really a horrible beast... I never used to be insecure... I was very confident... it seems the closer I get to God the less confident I get... and that really doesn't make any sense to me...

when david would play the harp saul would feel better and the tormenting spirit would go away... idk what that is about.. but it makes me think.. how often could we be soothing to people who are tormented.. and we choose not to be bothered... I would think I am fairly guilty of this... I think we definitely have a responsibility to others... we have to take this responsibility to people more seriously... we always think we are only responsible to ourselves...

Lord I pray you will never send a tormenting spirit... I pray that you will never take your spirit from us... I pray that when we are able to help soothe people.. we would do everything we can to do so.. I say these things in Jesus name.. amen.amen.amen.

2 Corinthians 4: 8 We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. 9 We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. 10 Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.11 Yes, we live under constant danger of death because we serve Jesus, so that the life of Jesus will be evident in our dying bodies. 12 So we live in the face of death, but this has resulted in eternal life for you. 13 But we continue to preach because we have the same kind of faith the psalmist had when he said, “I believed in God, so I spoke.” 14 We know that God, who raised the Lord Jesus, will also raise us with Jesus and present us to himself together with you. 15 All of this is for your benefit. And as God’s grace reaches more and more people, there will be great thanksgiving, and God will receive more and more glory.16 That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. 17 For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! 18 So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.

some days I am driven to despair...
some days I am close to giving up....

all that we go through... we do not go through near what many others have gone through... there are still people being tortured and killed for the gospel in other countries... we do not go through anything like that...
we do have hurt and troubles and trials... these are the things God uses to change us... if we allow Him... otherwise we become bitter and angry...
somehow we have got to learn to keep our gaze on God.. we have got to learn to fix our ears to the voice of God.. and we have got to fix our hearts to the leading of God... these are the only way we can keep going forward day after day without being destroyed on the inside... God is good to us despite the things going on in our lives... somehow we have to still focus on Him...

Psalms 139: 1 O Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me. 2 You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.  You see me when I travel and when I rest at home. You know everything I do. 4 You know what I am going to say even before I say it, Lord. 5 You go before me and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head. 6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to understand!
7 I can never escape from your Spirit! I can never get away from your presence! 8 If I go up to heaven, you are there; if I go down to the grave, you are there. 9 If I ride the wings of the morning, if I dwell by the farthest oceans, 10 even there your hand will guide me, and your strength will support me. 11 I could ask the darkness to hide me and the light around me to become night—12 but even in darkness I cannot hide from you. To you the night shines as bright as day. Darkness and light are the same to you.

do you ever realize that God knows everything at all about us... I don't know about you.. but I am more hidden than people would realize... most of the things that I say are part of a mask.. not part of the inner me... I hide that inner person from almost everyone.... yet that is the person that God knows of me...
verse 5 says God follows us and He places His hand of blessing on our head... well I gotta say.. I am too too too thankful for that hand of blessing and the following me.. into places I shouldn't be.. places I couldn't get out of on my own.... no matter where we are.. He is there.. no matter who we are.. He knows us and loves us anyways... on our good days.. on our ugly days... every day...

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. 24 Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

I am very aware that without God.. I am worthless.. I am not a good person... I am not kind or giving.. I am mean and selfish... so I am so thankful for the hand of God in my life.. loving me when I am unloveable... and helping me to become a loveable person that He is proud to claim as His own...

Matthew 5: 43 “You have heard the law that says, ‘Love your neighbor’ and hate your enemy. 44 But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you! 45 In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven. For he gives his sunlight to both the evil and the good, and he sends rain on the just and the unjust alike. 46 If you love only those who love you, what reward is there for that? Even corrupt tax collectors do that much. 47 If you are kind only to your friends, how are you different from anyone else? Even pagans do that. 48 But you are to be perfect, even as your Father in heaven is perfect.

Matthew 6: 5 “When you pray, don’t be like the hypocrites who love to pray publicly on street corners and in the synagogues where everyone can see them. I tell you the truth, that is all the reward they will ever get. 6 But when you pray, go away by yourself, shut the door behind you, and pray to your Father in private. Then your Father, who sees everything, will reward you.

I think almost everyone in the world is guilty of these two things... I think we all would also swear we are not...
it is easy to love someone who is loveable... and those are the ones we love.. but when we have the 'sandpaper' people in our lives... the ones that rub us the wrong way.. the ones who are abrasive... those are the ones we would just rather avoid than to love... yet I really believe these sandpaper people are put in our lives by God... if we allow Him to change us.. using these people... we can learn to overcome the constant need to satisfy self... and give in to others above our own thoughts...

I think that we also all think we do not draw attention to ourselves for the things we do for someone else.. yet somehow... we still desire that recognition on some level.. if we didn't.. then the lack of recognition or attention wouldn't bother us... while this scripture is talking about prayer.. it is still the same principle... we want recognized for our contribution.. even though we really believe we don't.. I found this out about myself just recently....

someone sent me an email today that said what we give out is what we draw to ourselves.. so if we give love.. we draw love.. if we give peace.. we draw peace.. if we give kindness.. we draw kindness... maybe we are not as good at these things as we imagine we are...

Father change our hearts.. purify us so that we can stop thinking of self.. and be the selfless person you are calling us to be.. in Jesus name I ask it.. amen.amen.amen.

1 samuel 15: 9 Saul and his men spared Agag’s life and kept the best of the sheep and goats, the cattle, the fat calves, and the lambs—everything, in fact, that appealed to them. They destroyed only what was worthless or of poor quality. 10 Then the Lord said to Samuel, 11 “I am sorry that I ever made Saul king, for he has not been loyal to me and has refused to obey my command.” Samuel was so deeply moved when he heard this that he cried out to the Lord all night. 12 Early the next morning Samuel went to find Saul. Someone told him, “Saul went to the town of Carmel to set up a monument to himself; then he went on to Gilgal.”
22 But Samuel replied, “What is more pleasing to the Lord: your burnt offerings and sacrifices or your obedience to his voice? Listen! Obedience is better than sacrifice, and submission is better than offering the fat of rams. 23 Rebellion is as sinful as witchcraft, and stubbornness as bad as worshiping idols. So because you have rejected the command of the Lord, he has rejected you as king.” 30 Then Saul pleaded again, “I know I have sinned. But please, at least honor me before the elders of my people and before Israel by coming back with me so that I may worship the Lord your God.”
35 Samuel never went to meet with Saul again, but he mourned constantly for him. And the Lord was sorry he had ever made Saul king of Israel.

this story is so tragic to me.. saul... decided to go against what God said.. slightly.... slightly obedient.. slightly disobedient... he was supposed to kill everything at all of the amalekites.. women children babies livestock.. everything... he kept the best of the livestock.. then states his intention is to sacrifice it to God... and he saved the king too.. (which samuel himself killed at the end of it..) I never before realized that saul had went to carmel to set up a monument to himself!! that surely wasn't good...
how often are we partially obedient.. only to the place where it is too uncomfortable.. I have to admit that I am guilty....
how often do we set up monuments to ourselves.. even if not out loud.. in our own mind... thinking of all we do for others and how much we give of ourselves... how hard we work.. how hard we try to live like Christ.. isn't all this supposed to be a monument to Christ.. yet here we are.. thinking of all it cost us....

saul acknowledges his sin.. repents.. confesses.. tries to make it right... still he is rejected by God.. samuel never meets with him again... saul did not lose his position at that time.. even though david was annointed as king shortly afterward.. saul stayed king until his death which was obviously some years later... yet he lost his position with God.. he lost his mind.. he lost his relationships....
I pray in the name of Jesus that no rebellion or disobedience I ever do causes God to truly leave me... the bible says He will not ever leave us nor forsake us.. yet it happens to saul... I don't understand it... it isn't for me to understand I guess.. but it should scare me enough to make me cautious about my own actions of rebellion or disobedience... to imagine God was sorry He chose me would be horrible...

Psalms 51: Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and make me willing to obey you. 13 Then I will teach your ways to rebels, and they will return to you. 14 Forgive me for shedding blood, O God who saves; then I will joyfully sing of your forgiveness. 15 Unseal my lips, O Lord, that my mouth may praise you. 16 You do not desire a sacrifice, or I would offer one. You do not want a burnt offering.17 The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God. 18 Look with favor on Zion and help her; rebuild the walls of Jerusalem. 19 Then you will be pleased with sacrifices offered in the right spirit—

last week I was thinking about cain and abel.. and abel's offering was accepted and cain's was not... and cain got mad and killed abel... ridiculous how we get angry with others about things that really have to do with our own issues of the heart... we get upset when things don't go as we believe they should... we are hurt by things people say.. and instead of releasing them to God.. we harbor them.. sometimes knowingly.. sometimes unknowingly.. and our heart gets hardened.. and then our heart is a mess....

surely we still offer sacrifices that are unpleasing to God and He rejects them.. sometimes sacrifices of service or time or whatever it may be.. if our heart is not right with God.. then He doesn't want the sacrifice.. He wants our heart...

when we finally come to the place of repentance.. and realize it is about our own heart issues more than what someone has done... then we can be cleansed and forgiven and made right with God again... and thank God for that!!

Galatians 5: 16 So I say, let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. Then you won’t be doing what your sinful nature craves. 17 The sinful nature wants to do evil, which is just the opposite of what the Spirit wants. And the Spirit gives us desires that are the opposite of what the sinful nature desires. These two forces are constantly fighting each other, so you are not free to carry out your good intentions. 18 But when you are directed by the Spirit, you are not under obligation to the law of Moses.
19 When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results are very clear: sexual immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures, 20 idolatry, sorcery, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division, 21 envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other sins like these. Let me tell you again, as I have before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God.
22 But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!
24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there. 25 Since we are living by the Spirit, let us follow the Spirit’s leading in every part of our lives. 26 Let us not become conceited, or provoke one another, or be jealous of one another.

the truth of it all is... when we are controlled by the Spirit of God.. we do not desire the things of this world... and when we are controlled by the spirit of this world.. we desire the things of it...

we want to give God certain pieces of ourselves and our lives but we don't want to give Him everything.. and until we give Him everything.. then the battle to be of this world will rage on... we desire to be what we desire to be.. not what He is changing us into.. it is uncomfortable to be the way He would have us to be... it goes against everything we have ever found comfort in....

as usual.. the issue is within ourselves.. we like to believe that we cannot do any better.. and it is not true... we just don't desire to do any better...

2 Corinthians 12:  Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. 9 Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. 10 That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

what would you consider your greatest weakness? so often we look at what our strengths are... but what is your greatest weakness?

previously I would have said it was my mouth... I would have said that both my strength and my weakness are in my mouth.... much of my value in the kingdom of God has been done with my speaking... but also I have caused destruction with this mouth too... I have used the word of God to encourage people... I have also used it to bring conviction or judgement.. which is probably not my place to begin with...
while I am not saying I am right with this mouth or tongue at all times.. I would say that God has taught me to speak less... and only say what is necessary much of the time.. and it usually works.. unless I am angry... then I would say I fall back to the old ways...

I would say now.. that my greatest weakness... which God desires to use as my greatest strength... is my heart.... it is the love that God places in me for others... He wants me to use this to His glory... but I openly admit that I am not to that place yet much of the time... I can show love when it does not cost me anything... but when I get emotionally invested... then I find myself withdrawing yet again... and while I know that this is not God's will for me.. yet I see myself doing it.. trying to protect myself... I would say that trying to protect myself has not been very successful... and I am getting hurt regardless of trying to hide from it... but still I try to protect my heart....
I guess that like God took control of my mouth... He will slowly gain control of the heart too... yet I fear that day more than long for it...

your greatest value on this earth is probably wrapped up in your greatest weakness... give it to God and allow Him to gain glory from it... and become strong in Him rather than in your own strength...

I don't have a scripture for today... I looked over several... ready to say words of encouragement and hopes of uplifting someone's spirit... but what of the days of silence from God.. what about the time when the days lead into months... the months maybe will lead into years.. good Lord I pray that doesn't happen!!

the children of Israel went for a period of 400 years when God was silent.. there was not even prophets in the land... no one at all heard from God... I wonder what you are supposed to do during times like that.... 400years.. that would mean that generation after generation would live through times when they would not hear from God.. would we be able to hold on to what God had said in the past? would the word of God from the books of the bible be enough for us to continue to believe? would we continue to teach our children who God is? would there still be church? how would the man of God get a message if God is not speaking? would it then be just a man's message of teaching of the word? and not a divine word?

apparently I am in a period of silence from God.. I am not even sure how long this silence has gone on... sometimes I feel that I hear from God regularly... other times I feel I am only hearing my own thoughts... I have not had a true 'revelation' of light in a very very long time.... what is it that God wants from me? where is there to go? is it even possible to leave God? I don't know that I have ever had that ability... I feel that is somewhat impossible to do.... if I run away will God chase me down? if I believed He would, I would probably get to running this very day... just to get some kind of real communication from Him....

what do we do when we are lost and alone?
I know.. we can say that God is always with us.. He never leaves us or forsakes us.. yet anyone who cannot hear the voice or call of God anymore is pretty sure that He is not here...
speak Lord.. your servant really needs to hear Your voice.....

Galatians 5: 19 When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results are very clear: sexual immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures, 20 idolatry, sorcery, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division, 21 envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other sins like these. Let me tell you again, as I have before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God.
22 But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!
24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there. 25 Since we are living by the Spirit, let us follow the Spirit’s leading in every part of our lives. 26 Let us not become conceited, or provoke one another, or be jealous of one another.

I have heard it say that everyone who accepts Christ and is saved has the fruit of the Spirit within them... I would imagine if that were the case.. then we would no longer have the desires of the flesh within us... I gotta say... that does not really seem to be truth.. there are times when surely I can display more of the flesh than the fruit of the spirit... there are some of the fruit of the spirit that I seem to have none at all of....

my imagination is this... as we grow.. as we mature.. as we strive to be more like Christ daily... the things of this earth fall away... and the things of the spirit become more evident... this is the truth of me it seems... I am far more gentle and have more self control than I did even 6 months ago... I am not as prone to hostility as I once was... I am not as argumentative.. not as jealous... I have more peace.. more patience...

maybe at the end of the road.. we will be an image of God... and full of the fruit of the spirit.. but I believe it is a daily process... something that Christ is working out within us... and I am thankful that while I may not be who I should be.. I am not who I used to be either..

Genesis 32: 24 This left Jacob all alone in the camp, and a man came and wrestled with him until the dawn began to break. 25 When the man saw that he would not win the match, he touched Jacob’s hip and wrenched it out of its socket. 26 Then the man said, “Let me go, for the dawn is breaking!” But Jacob said, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.” 27 “What is your name?” the man asked. He replied, “Jacob.” 28 “Your name will no longer be Jacob,” the man told him. “From now on you will be called Israel, because you have fought with God and with men and have won.” 29 “Please tell me your name,” Jacob said. “Why do you want to know my name?” the man replied. Then he blessed Jacob there.

can you imagine fighting with God and winning?
some days I can't imagine fighting with man and winning much less fighting God and winning...

I woke up in the middle of the night from a dream.. I don't even know what the dream was.. but I remember thinking how mean I have become... and it flashes through my mind back to times in school when I was young when I felt like an outcast.. like no one liked me... now realistically... I don't have to flash back to see that... that is still reality for me.. it seems that I never fit in with people.. I am too strong willed.. to sure of myself.. too confident... I make other people feel insecure it seems... but I remember when I was young I was very mean... and I think some times.. the less we sin outwardly... the more we sin inwardly... it almost feels as if God would rather us have the outward sins than the inward ones.. the ones where we are unkind or we are self righteous.. those are worse than being a falling down drunk... I think God liked me better when I was full of sin and full of confessing it... full of remorse for it... easily able to see everything that was wrong with me because I was a mess on the outside...

this morning I asked God to give me understanding.. understanding who I am.. understanding why I am becoming mean again... understanding why I am so ridiculously insecure when I used to be so very confident... and how can it all be fixed... what exactly is it that He wants from me... as I am sure that right now I have no idea...

so I would say that surely I am in a battle with the Lord.. but surely I am not winning... but I do believe that still He blesses me...

Lamentations 3: 31 For no one is abandoned by the Lord forever. 32 Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion  because of the greatness of his unfailing love.33 For he does not enjoy hurting people or causing them sorrow.

sometimes it feels as if we have been abandoned by the Lord forever... sometimes it feels as if sorrow and grief is neverending... the bible tells us God loves us oh so much.. but sometimes it really doesn't feel like it...

now look at the people in your life... these are just seasons of relationships... things can't be good with everyone all the time.. if they were.. surely we would take them ALL for granted... we have to have bad days to be thankful for good ones...

I believe our relationship with God is like this too... if God was everything we imagine... He would be reduced to being for our use.. not us being for his use... I think we have all that confused...
I am reading a book with big larry by John MacArthur called "Slave: Our true identity in Christ".. the book is really opening up my eyes about what our relationship with God is really about... God is not at our beck and call.. more like.. we are supposed to be at His.. when the Israelites were set free from the egyptians so long ago... really the only thing that happened was that their master changed from being pharoah.. to being the Living God who loves them... when Christ died on the cross for us.. he paid the price for us.. we are no longer free to have our own will.. we are to be under His will at all times... our lives are a living sacrifice for the one who is our Master...

yet this is nothing we want to hear.. surely not the way we want to live... so we are in constant battle with God.. because by being in our own will.. we are out of His... we really have no voice.. no options... God's will for our lives is our day to day living.. or at least it is supposed to be...
when will we ever live the life Christ died for us to live....

Galatians 1: 15 But even before I was born, God chose me and called me by his marvelous grace. Then it pleased him 16 to reveal his Son to me so that I would proclaim the Good News about Jesus to the Gentiles. When this happened, I did not rush out to consult with any human being. 17 Nor did I go up to Jerusalem to consult with those who were apostles before I was. Instead, I went away into Arabia, and later I returned to the city of Damascus. 18 Then three years later I went to Jerusalem to get to know Peter, and I stayed with him for fifteen days. 19 The only other apostle I met at that time was James, the Lord’s brother. 20 I declare before God that what I am writing to you is not a lie.

how often do we seek human approval on spiritual things?
I would say that I am very guilty of this... which is sorta strange since I do not really need approval of man most times... but it seems when it comes to things that are revealed in the spirit, then I need some sort of confirmation from man that I am not crazy and imagining things up... especially since the things that are revealed in the spirit rarely make sense in the natural... so I will look to people.. often even people who do not even have spiritual revelation for their own lives.. and I expect them to confirm me in mine... how ridiculous is that if you think about it...

there seem to be seasons in our lives where we have close companionship... yet for me personally.. most of my life has been lived in isolation... people at church think that I am very social... I am friendly to most everyone.. I attempt to support the kids at their school functions... but when I am outside the church environment.. I am actually not social at all.. I don't like people to come to my house.. I don't want anyone in my space... I don't really want to talk much at all... yet being so unsocial.. I still desire confirmation from people... that seems like a contridiction.... I find myself going through yet another season of being separated.. with no one to talk to except God.. with no one to believe with me... with no one to walk on this path with me... I do not like to be this alone... yet it seems that God keeps sending me to this place...

we look at Paul.. he met Jesus.. and was in isolation for a long time... 3 years or more.. without anyone confirming anything he heard... yet his faith was strong enough to stand strong all alone... how often are we able to do this? how often can we keep believing and standing strong all on our own with nothing but God to support us... the funniest thing is... we are strongest when we have nothing but God.. yet somehow.. we are always looking for approval from man....
Lord help me stand strong in You alone and on Your words... amen!

genesis 37: 3 Jacob loved Joseph more than any of his other children because Joseph had been born to him in his old age. So one day Jacob had a special gift made for Joseph—a beautiful robe. 4 But his brothers hated Joseph because their father loved him more than the rest of them. They couldn’t say a kind word to him.
10 This time he told the dream to his father as well as to his brothers, but his father scolded him. “What kind of dream is that?” he asked. “Will your mother and I and your brothers actually come and bow to the ground before you?” 11 But while his brothers were jealous of Joseph, his father wondered what the dreams meant.
18 When Joseph’s brothers saw him coming, they recognized him in the distance. As he approached, they made plans to kill him.
37 Joseph’s suggestions were well received by Pharaoh and his officials. 38 So Pharaoh asked his officials, “Can we find anyone else like this man so obviously filled with the spirit of God?” 39 Then Pharaoh said to Joseph, “Since God has revealed the meaning of the dreams to you, clearly no one else is as intelligent or wise as you are. 40 You will be in charge of my court, and all my people will take orders from you. Only I, sitting on my throne, will have a rank higher than yours.”
genesis 45: 3 “I am Joseph!” he said to his brothers. “Is my father still alive?” But his brothers were speechless! They were stunned to realize that Joseph was standing there in front of them. 4 “Please, come closer,” he said to them. So they came closer. And he said again, “I am Joseph, your brother, whom you sold into slavery in Egypt. 5 But don’t be upset, and don’t be angry with yourselves for selling me to this place. It was God who sent me here ahead of you to preserve your lives.

Joseph had a rough life... I would think in the beginning he would have expected to have an easy time of it.. being his father's favorite and all.. but his brothers hated him... just because his father loved him and God was giving him vision.... not because of anything he had done to them... jealousy is  a terrible thing.. I wonder how many times we are jealous of someone else because God smiles on them... or how many times people hate us for that...

so Joseph is sold into slavery by his brothers... imprisioned by a lustful woman's husband... and forgotten by those that he helped get out of prison.. but all these things are preparing him to be the man that he is called to be... so eventually.. God calls him up to the Pharoah.. he is given power and position... and before long.. even his brothers have to come to him... for most of us.. our reaction to seeing the people who caused our pain for so many years would not have been a positive one... yet Joseph says to them.. that even though they meant him harm.. God used all of the circumstances of his life to create a path to save many people...

the only way this could have been the way he was looking at this situation and at his brother is if he had forgiven them... and because he had forgiven them completely.. their family was restored... Joseph still received everything God said he would.. and his family was restored to him too... forgiveness is such an important factor in our lives... when we are angry and resentful and bitter.. we are part of the problem.. when we learn to forgive even those who mean us harm.. we become part of the solution...

Galatians 2: 16 Yet we know that a person is made right with God by faith in Jesus Christ, not by obeying the law. And we have believed in Christ Jesus, so that we might be made right with God because of our faith in Christ, not because we have obeyed the law. For no one will ever be made right with God by obeying the law.” 17 But suppose we seek to be made right with God through faith in Christ and then we are found guilty because we have abandoned the law. Would that mean Christ has led us into sin? Absolutely not! 18 Rather, I am a sinner if I rebuild the old system of law I already tore down. 19 For when I tried to keep the law, it condemned me. So I died to the law—I stopped trying to meet all its requirements—so that I might live for God. 20 My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. 21 I do not treat the grace of God as meaningless. For if keeping the law could make us right with God, then there was no need for Christ to die.

this is one of the reasons I get so annoyed with paul...
the way that he states things.. gives many people who are not really trying to live a changed life.. the freedom to remain in sin and think it is all right with God... and that is not the truth.... Jesus said that he has not come to destroy the law.. but to fulfill it... his saying that means that while we will mess up and be covered by his grace and blood and still forgiven... it is not all right to live any type of way and think God is going along with it....

yet for me.. that is how paul makes things sound.. as if the law is no longer valid...
really... most of us would not attempt to think we could kill someone and imagine we could get away with it.. surely we recognize that we would have to pay the consequence of our actions in the world.. and in the spirit also...

so why would we imagine that the other sins are any different?.. if there are consequences of our action in this world.. surely we should see that there will still be consequences of our actions in the spirit... yet like any parent who has to bring judgement on our child for wrong behavior.. we still love them despite it... but we expect them to strive to stay away from wrong doing... and I think that is just what God is saying to us... He expects us to do better.. and He will give us the desire to do so.. and the help to stand up against sinful ways if we seek it... but he still loves us even when we mess up and He has to bring down the consequences of our actions...

we should be doing right in our life.. not so much because it is is the law... but moreso because we love God and we are so thankful for His great love and sacrifice for us...