in the devotional charles goodman has us reading.. it is talking about the walk to the cross for Jesus and as you read it.. you just realize everything we are so concerned about is just sides.. the important part is our walk with him... he gave up everything for us... 

I think about peter and his fall... I think about the people who were on the sidelines shouting for Jesus to be crucified.. idk how they could do that.. 

while compassion is not my strength.. I also can't stand to see someone or something hurt and in pain... 

I realize.. I may have fallen like peter did.. I may have denied him if I felt my life was in danger over it.. but I am very sure that I would not have been part of the crowd shouting crucify him... I could not see his pain and not feel compassion at that moment... 

I think about judas and how this all played out.. I don't imagine he thought this would be the end.. I think he was stupid and greedy and thinking of the 30 pieces of silver but not imagining that he was the one that actually started the motion of sending Jesus to the cross and death.. I think he thought Jesus would be beat and let go or something more like that... surely not death... 

the bible says about judas that satan entered him and that is when he made the deal with the church leaders... how many times has satan entered us and caused us to do things that hurt others... 

I am very reflective of the price Jesus paid for me to have life this morning.. 

Romans 15: 13 I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.

I can remember a time when I felt truly hopeless.. that is a terrible state to be in.. I had no hope for anything in my life.. I was negative and truly miserable.. 

as I committed to reading the word of God over time my attitude changed and my negative thoughts were replaced with hope.. 

now for me.. hope doesn't always think that what you want to happen will happen.. sometimes hope just thinks that this is not going to kill me and I am going to make it through this... 

I can say that I am happier now than I have ever been in my life.. I am not negative.. now I don't know what will happen in some situations in my life.. I have had what I thought were promises from God that still have not come to pass.. which I don't know if I was mistaken or if they just haven't happened yet... what I do know is that God has been very good to me.. and my life is good.. great even.. and I am truly thankful.. 

I know that all I have.. all that I am.. all that will ever be.. has come from God.. 

James 4: 7 So humble yourselves before God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.

I was teaching a class last night and in the conversation it comes up that I have been celibate since 2006... and this person tells me that is great.. ummm no ma'am.. I am not celibate by choice.. I am celibate because of God telling me I am to be holy, righteous and pure.. that is just a sin that I avoid.. it doesn't mean I don't sin... it really means now my sins are the worst kind.. the ones down inside where other people can't see them.. the ones in my thoughts and words... 

I think we act like we do these outward sins as if we don't have the ability to stop them.. I remain celibate by not being alone with a man.. if I were alone with a man that I am attracted to.. surely I would fall... 

I feel like we pick and choose what sins matter and what ones don't.. they are all the same to God.. He doesn't give us levels of what sin is worse.. and I mean truly.. if anything I think the worst sins would be the ones that affect more people.. if you are doing something that causes other people to fall in their walk with Christ.. that would be a worse sin than one no one else even knew about.. (that is not bible.. that is my opinion)

the goal is to walk blameless before the Lord.. to walk worthy of the call He has put upon your life.. 

this long celibacy is not some badge of honor.. it is a heavy cross.. and every single day I wish it was over with.. so don't think I am wonderful and sinfree.. surely I am not... the enemy just has to come at me in a different manner.. 

John 18: 8 “I told you that I am he,” Jesus said. “And since I am the one you want, let these others go.” 9 He did this to fulfill his own statement: “I did not lose a single one of those you have given me.”

10 Then Simon Peter drew a sword and slashed off the right ear of Malchus, the high priest’s slave. 11 But Jesus said to Peter, “Put your sword back into its sheath. Shall I not drink from the cup of suffering the Father has given me?”

​Jesus did not lose a single one of those the Father had given him.. how often are we worried about being 'lost' by Jesus? that he won't protect us.. care for us... sadly we often think like that.. but God has not failed us regardless of what we have gone through so we are still being protected.. possibly not like we want to be.. but definitely protected.. 

Jesus asks Peter.. shouldn't he drink from the cup of suffering that God had given him.. how often do we try to avoid any type of suffering we can.. we try to determine that everything that happened that don't want or didn't like came from the enemy.. well I am thinking much of it came from the Father.. to change us.. to make us better people... to take focus off ourselves and onto helping someone else... if things are always good all we see is self... we don't think about someone else's need. but if we suffer.. then we are more compassionate for someone else's pain and more willing to help them.. to suffer with them.. 

I admit.. I hate to suffer.. but sometimes it will make you better if you refuse to be bitter.. 

thank you Father for changing me.. even when you use suffering to get me there.. ​