what is the cost?

this morning I am defeated...

last week I realized that I don't need the Spirit to give me the 'good feeling'... I need the power of the Spirit... so... I fast... for three days.. seeking God and asking to be filled with the POWER of the Spirit of God... like Peter was...

and the fast ends on Sunday... and while in prayer at the altar... I 'feel' the power of God come upon me... and I don't yet realize the cost...

yesterday... I struggle HEAVILY with being tired and wanting to just walk away from all God says I am supposed to be... I want to go have a drink and as this is a PG rated blog... I will stop at that... today... I wake up crying and I don't want to do this anymore... I want to let go...

I feel fat, old, and ugly... miserable... I want to have a man make me feel like I am everything he is looking for... (?? unsure why that seems to be the constant struggle of a woman... must have something to do with the curse put on women at the fall...)

so I read some devotionals and some emails this morning... and I realize what is happening... I am being humbled... how weird... just a couple days ago I wondered just how much humiliation one woman has to endure... apparently LOTS... I am being humbled because if I enter into God's power full of pride... I will act as if the gifts and miracles are about me... I will not give all the glory to God...

and I think... ugh... why do I have to be fat and ugly to be humble???? why can't I be beautiful and humble?? what is up with that??

strangely... the bible says that Jesus was not attractive... I have never believed that... I thought He must have been the most handsome man ever... and built well... why? why would I think like that? God looks not upon the countenance of a man but upon the spirit of a man... so why is my spirit not good enough for me.. why do I struggle with needing to be outwardly attractive???

so if the cost of being all that God has called me to be in the kingdom of God... is my appearance... and I become unattractive... am I willing to pay the cost?... do I have any choice in what the cost is? (obviously not...) am I going to give even my looks over to God... do I have a choice in the matter??? how do I go forward in this?? am I willing to pay the cost....

the ocean...

I am wishing it was saturday and that I could go and lay in the sun and leave the world behind me... it would be so nice to go to a beach for a day and just come home in the evening... to stand in wonder of the mysteries of the ocean... to lay in the warmth of God's love... to feel the sands of time under my feet... knowing that just as the ocean and the beach has been here forever... God will continue on... forever... even after we are no longer here and we have gone on to sit at the feet of Jesus...

your shadow...

Acts 5:14Nevertheless, more and more men and women believed in the Lord and were added to their number. 15As a result, people brought the sick into the streets and laid them on beds and mats so that at least Peter's shadow might fall on some of them as he passed by. 16Crowds gathered also from the towns around Jerusalem, bringing their sick and those tormented by evil spirits, and all of them were healed.

I think we all discount our witness in just our passing by people... I think I see the influence that my "shadow" has... it is not the words that are spoken... it is the life that is lived... it seems I attract the people that the lovely think are unlovely... and the children.. this does not happen by anything that is done or said by me... it is not about me at all... it is my shadow passing by and drawing them.... not because of me... but because of the Jesus in me... which is my shadow...

we tend to always see healing as a physical thing... who you really are is not this body... it is the spirit within you... that is who you are... so true healing would not be of this shell... it would be of the spirit... can the love of your shadow heal someone's spirit? can your words soothe a troubled soul?

Jesus should be the shadow of each one of us... is He? are people drawn to God by your presence... by your walk... by your actions? can people see what a loving God is... through you? when someone tells you they don't have money to eat... do you invite them to eat with you? or do you tell them that you will pray for them? if someone has no where to stay... what do you say to them? if someone has no hope, do you have enough hope inside you to encourage and uplift them? do you strive to make people know the love of God... through your walk?

or do they instead hear you talking behind their back? do they feel like you think they are stupid? do they see you roll your eyes at them? are you mean and hateful? do you see yourself above others? do you make them feel ugly or unworthy?

what does your shadow say about you?

the heart of the king...

Jeremiah 25:8 Therefore the LORD Almighty says this: "Because you have not listened to my words, 9 I will summon all the peoples of the north and my servant Nebuchadnezzar king of Babylon," declares the LORD, "and I will bring them against this land and its inhabitants and against all the surrounding nations. I will completely destroy [a] them and make them an object of horror and scorn, and an everlasting ruin. 10 I will banish from them the sounds of joy and gladness, the voices of bride and bridegroom, the sound of millstones and the light of the lamp. 11 This whole country will become a desolate wasteland, and these nations will serve the king of Babylon seventy years.

12 "But when the seventy years are fulfilled, I will punish the king of Babylon and his nation, the land of the Babylonians, [b] for their guilt," declares the LORD, "and will make it desolate forever. 13 I will bring upon that land all the things I have spoken against it, all that are written in this book and prophesied by Jeremiah against all the nations. 14 They themselves will be enslaved by many nations and great kings; I will repay them according to their deeds and the work of their hands."

amazing to me... God called Nebuchanezzar His servant... but after He calls him servant and after Nebuchanezzar does what God tells Him to do... then he gets punished for coming against God's people..

that sounds like a contradiction to me...

the bible says that God controls the heart of the king.. and in this scripture... it shows that is the truth... I tend to think of Nebuchanezzar as an evil man... an idol worshipper... he probably wouldn't have even known God if it were not for the miracles God did for the Hebrews like Daniel...

and yet he is a servant of the Most High God...

we worry too often about leadership... God controls their heart and whether they realize it or not... they will do whatever He turns their heart to do... all we are to do is to pray for their hearts to be led by God.. and trust God...

trust in the Lord... always... He alone is in control...