it's not mine...

as you know.. I have been having this horrendous spiritual battle going on... (thinking surely this is the last few steps of this fight...)(of course I have been thinking that a long time... and it keeps getting heavier instead of lighter...)so today... God reminds me.. that HE is my source... no other person.. not finances.. God alone is my source..

so with that being said... when I look to people to comfort me and help me walk this walk.. I am looking to the wrong one.. because I need to look instead to God.. and even if He chooses a person to encourage or give a word.. it didn't come from that person.. it STILL came from God...

so what I long for.. what I wait for.. I am not waiting on a person... a person cannot fulfill what I need... only God.. so when He walks me into position... it wasn't given to me by man.. it was given to me be God.. and the position does not belong to me.. it belongs to God.. if He chooses to give it or take it.. has nothing to do with circumstance or people.. it is all up to God...

when He walks me into the position He has prepared me for... my responsibility is to keep HIM foremost in my thoughts.. and to do the job that He has called me to do... the way He has called me to do it... and to be thankful for what He gives at all times... regardless of what or who He uses to give it... and to cherish it.. as it does not belong to me to begin with... it belongs to God...

is God real...

sometimes we are confused.. we are disillusioned... we are hurt by the very ones that should never hurt us... somehow hurt from someone who claims to walk with God is the worst hurt to endure... and it causes us to doubt God some days... I would never have thought this would have happened to me... and yet to a small degree it has..

I believed all my life that I hear from God... all my life the things that I hear happen.. most times anyways... I dream things and they are real... I see things and they are real... but what happens when we get unsure if we have ever heard from God? what do we do then?

last night I lay awake.. struggling with God... asking Him to show me He is real.. to show me that my mind didn't make up the things I believe He said... I felt like Jacob when he wrestled with God...

in the end... what I realize is this... I would never want to walk through the rest of my life thinking that my God is not real... and people don't have to answer to me for the things they do or do not do... just like I don't have to answer to people... we all have to answer to God for the things that we do.. and for our disobedience in not doing what we are supposed to do...

I will walk the path God placed me on... I will do what God has told me to do... I will show love to all mankind... I will continue to seek God and not man.. I know that God has been faithful to me in the past... I know that He will continue to be faithful to me... God is the lover of my soul... at all times... and in this I will rest...

vulnerable...

I find that the closer I get to God.. the less I really know who I am..

it seems that I have taken life and allowed it to create me into someone other than who God intended me to be... and now...when I desire to be the person God created... I struggle to be that person... God wants our complete dependence on Him.. and so He wants us to be completely open and vulnerable... and our flesh drives us to cover our vulnerability...

like when adam and eve sinned in the garden... immediately they realized they were naked and ran to cover themselves... but this is not what God intended... just as there was no need to cover ourselves in the first man and woman... God is our cover and there is no need to cover ourselves now...

yet I struggle to not run back and hide under some type of cover... mine tends to be hard heartedness and confidence in self... we all have our own cover... this is just the one I created... it is comfortable and warm and safe... or so we think...

how could what we create on our own be anywhere near what God has created for us? it is time for us to open ourselves up to vulnerability and allow God alone to be our cover... that is when we are trusting God and completely relying upon Him...

God is faithful... He is trustworthy... He is a cover for each one of us...