so the girlfriends in God devotional this morning is about the way we see our worth.. 

of course I don't see anything the same way as anyone else does.. but go with me here for a minute... 

before this personal relationship with God.. I just knew I was the best woman on this earth and all other people are at least slightly less than.. it wasn't their fault or anything but God loved me more than everyone else.. now these were not just words out my mouth.. I really believed it... 

then Jesus and I got personal.. and he showed me the true value biblically of a woman... now this is not to say she is not important.. or not needed.. but it is CLEAR in the bible that the value of a man.. especially a first born man is far above that of everyone else.. 

so I would say for me.. the closer I got to God.. the less I thought of myself.. 

and I would say that is right.. I was so full of pride and haughtiness that I am surprised God saw any value at all in me.. so He teaches me that I am valued by Him.. but I am not the center of the universe.. I am a servant.. 

for a long time that has crushed me.. to go from the favored daughter of the King to becoming a servant of all mankind... 

but isn't that just who Jesus was too.........

our value and favor comes from God.. not by who serves us.. but by who we serve is my belief now.. 

Ecclesiastes 8: 14 And this is not all that is meaningless in our world. In this life, good people are often treated as though they were wicked, and wicked people are often treated as though they were good. This is so meaningless!

15 So I recommend having fun, because there is nothing better for people in this world than to eat, drink, and enjoy life. That way they will experience some happiness along with all the hard work God gives them under the sun.

16 In my search for wisdom and in my observation of people’s burdens here on earth, I discovered that there is ceaseless activity, day and night. 17 I realized that no one can discover everything God is doing under the sun. Not even the wisest people discover everything, no matter what they claim.

​I think sometimes about Solomon.. having been the wisest person ever... and in his old age somehow his heart is turned away from the things of God.. 

when he says in v15 about ​recommending having fun and enjoying life.. I agree that we are to enjoy this life God has given us, but I wonder if by the time this was written.. if solomon wasn't feeling estranged from God.. wasn't feeling like life is futile.. 

I have been feeling that way myself lately.. I have a good life.. I am in no way complaining about my life.. but I will say that some days I am very saddened by not having love in my life.. by being alone all these years.. and I am alone because I am waiting on God to bring me a relationship.. doesn't really matter the who of it.. just that I know it is from God.. and still I am alone.. now that doesn't mean that I would go back to the worldly ways.. at this point I doubt if I have what it takes to do that.. but I do sometimes feel like I have missed out on life... 

I wonder if solomon, with all this thousands of women, wasn't feeling like he wasn't loved and so he allowed women and worldly ways to lead him away from God in the old age of his life.. did solomon with all his wisdom.. with all his money.. all he had.. did he feel like his life was passing him by because he was unloved... 

Lord please keep me close to your heart.. regardless of my emotions.. don't allow me to stray away from You... amen.

just me talking... 

so we have been doing a relationship series at my church... 

I really don't agree with alot of what was said from a spiritual standpoint.. but from a worldly sense I guess I would... 

God had put me in a situation or at least I have believed it was God all this time.. but it has been a very long time.. and I still see nothing... so my faith is wavering.. and the church comes at us with advice from books that sound much like the thoughts of the world... so my faith is crashing.. 

and here comes a gorgeous man with a perfect body that opens car doors up for you... trying to push up on me... 

now in truth.. my spirit still tells me God told me the truth many years ago.. but I have to admit.. my body is telling me that maybe I have been deceived and should see where the new situation might lead... all while imagining God is probably telling me this man is ishmael... me forcing my will instead of waiting on God.. 

I have been celibate many years now.. I am not sure I could allow someone to see me naked without some sort of commitment.. but this man is surely pushing me to the edges of reason..

idk... what do you do when you no longer know what is the truth............ and God is still not speaking... 

I believe love is a decision.. not something you can't control.. I believe sometimes you have to commit to love someone because that is the right thing if you are in a covenant.. I think you have to continue to love them and the emotions will come and go but in the end will stay long term... 

but what good does that do when you can't see what God has said happening? how long is too long to wait on God? when do you give up believing in God?

is it when it doesn't make sense? is it when you can't see it? I thought all of those things were exactly what faith really is........

what do you do when you no longer know what is the truth................ and God is still not speaking...