James 3: 13 If you are wise and understand God’s ways, prove it by living an honorable life, doing good works with the humility that comes from wisdom. 14 But if you are bitterly jealous and there is selfish ambition in your heart, don’t cover up the truth with boasting and lying. 15 For jealousy and selfishness are not God’s kind of wisdom. Such things are earthly, unspiritual, and demonic. 16 For wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and evil of every kind. 17 But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere. 18 And those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of righteousness.

I cannot imagine who would call themselves wise... I mean really.. we make a fool of ourselves daily... unintentionally.. but daily... so to call yourself wise would be pretty much amazing and stupid in my thoughts...

I try to live an honorable life.. I try to do good works... but I have to say... jealousy is sometimes an issue for me... not jealousy meaning I want what is someone else's... I just don't want someone to touch what is mine... and if they act like they have or they still are.. then that makes me really upset... I think the reason it upsets me is because I am insecure.. I have not been an insecure person in the past.. I have always thought I was the best anyone could get... while God has torn down my pride.. it has made me insecure.. I don't think that was supposed to have happened.. I think my confidence was to be changed from being in myself to being confident in Christ and His promises to me.. but whatever the reason.. I don't have that much confidence in that... I seem to desire approval and constant reassurance.. God is really not much for giving something over and over.. He expects us to trust Him... (not one of my strong points...) it also states that these things are demonic and they create disorder and evil.. well I am in agreement about that! I desire to keep my peace.. yet jealousy or insecurity brings disorder and upset...

wisdom from above is pure... it is loving and gentle.. willing to yield to others.. full of mercy and good deeds.. always showing no favoritism and is always sincere... I gotta tell you... this is good in writing but not so much in reality... I am not always loving and gentle.. although I am striving to be there.. I would say I am more often than ever before... willing to yield to others.. I don't care who you are.. giving up your will is a daily challenge! I can do the mercy and good deeds for the most part.. I am sincere.. even if you sincerely don't want to hear me.. LOL... I do show favoritism to people with a good spirit over those with a bad one... it is not intentional.. I just struggle to be around those with a bad spirit...

the scriptures are hard sometimes... we struggle to be who God wants us to be... but it is a constant battle.. a war within us between what feels good or protects us.. to what God wants us to do... I desire to do God's will.. but it is surely a battle... I am better than I used to be.. but it is surely a daily battle... thankfully my desire is to do God's will...

Job 30: 20 “I cry to you, O God, but you don’t answer. I stand before you, but you don’t even look. 21 You have become cruel toward me. You use your power to persecute me. 22 You throw me into the whirlwind and destroy me in the storm. 23 And I know you are sending me to my death— the destination of all who live. 24 “Surely no one would turn against the needy
when they cry for help in their trouble. 25 Did I not weep for those in trouble? Was I not deeply grieved for the needy? 26 So I looked for good, but evil came instead. I waited for the light, but darkness fell. 27 My heart is troubled and restless. Days of suffering torment me. 28 I walk in gloom, without sunlight. I stand in the public square and cry for help. 29 Instead, I am considered a brother to jackals and a companion to owls. 30 My skin has turned dark, and my bones burn with fever. 1 My harp plays sad music, and my flute accompanies those who weep.

sometimes we think that all we do is complain... while reading this scripture... we should know that feeling defeated in a long battle is not so uncommon... to feel that even God is against us is fairly normal...

for me... I feel like things we so much easier when I was just a babe in the walk... God babied me.. He coddled me.. He was so constant.. so true.. so loud... the deeper the walk gets.. the less He talks.. He is building trust and faith.. but it doesn't much feel like that is what it is... it feels like He just doesn't care anymore... it feels like He is absent.. as though He is off taking care of other children of His that He seems to like better than me...

but that does not line up with what the bible tells me about Him.. the bible says He will never leave me nor forsake me.. that He is a constant help in the time of need.. so I can go off my feelings.. or I can trust in the word and know that regardless of what things look like or feel like... God is still here.. He is still in control.. He still loves me.. He is still my Father and my God...

and that is what I choose to believe...

Psalms 39: 1 I said to myself, “I will watch what I do and not sin in what I say. I will hold my tongue when the ungodly are around me.” 2 But as I stood there in silence— not even speaking of good things— the turmoil within me grew worse. 3 The more I thought about it, the hotter I got, igniting a fire of words: 4 “LORD, remind me how brief my time on earth will be. Remind me that my days are numbered— how fleeting my life is. 5 You have made my life no longer than the width of my hand. My entire lifetime is just a moment to you; at best, each of us is but a breath.

as much as I try to not get upset.. still I do... as much as I try to not yell and defend myself.. yet I do.. I feel like the psalmist.. the more I think about it.. the hotter I get.. and it ignites a fire of words...

yesterday I was upset in general... I have been upset for the past few weeks.. it seems to be building bigger and bigger... I don't seem to be able to rest in the Lord.. I don't seem to be able to just relax... if I could just harden my heart... but God does not want that either...

so what is the answer?... I am sure I don't know... I know that we do not have a long time on this earth... although sometimes it feels like it drags on endlessly... when we turn around.. we can see it has flown by... I know the things that worked in the world will not work in the kingdom of God.. yet they are so much easier!! if I just shut myself off... let go of the emotions.. just go back to not caring... that is what 'feels' like the best answer... but that is not the God answer...

there is surely a reason for this fire within me.. for this pressure that has me boiling... ready to lash out.. ready to fall apart.. ready to just give in and give up!!! the bible says that God uses pressure to refine us.. to make us pure.. I have to say that the LAST thing I am right now is pure... I am full of all the things I have worked so hard to get rid of... full to the brim... they are ready to come boiling over... yet that is not the plan... that is not the purpose of the boiling point.. the purpose is to get me to manage it without boiling.. ummmm.. so Jesus.. if you don't want me to boil over.. please turn down the fire!!! thank you and amen!!

fear of the Lord...

Psalms 147: 11 No, the LORD’s delight is in those who fear him, those who put their hope in his unfailing love.

my life has been a battle of right and wrong.. I would guess everyones is.. mine wasn't just right and wrong decisions.. more like right and wrong living.. I never completely let go of God.. yet never completely followed Him either... so this last time when I turned from the world completely.. I felt that I did it because this was my last shot at living right.. my last chance to do God's will or lose Him... now I know that the bible says God will never leave us nor forsake us.. but it also says that He will turn us over to a reprobate mind.. which is what he did to king nebuchadnezzar for a period...

nebuchadnezzar felt HE was ruler of the universe.. well God took his mind.. and he found out.. God is the ONLY ruler of the universe...

Daniel 4: 30 As he looked out across the city, he said, ‘Look at this great city of Babylon! By my own mighty power, I have built this beautiful city as my royal residence to display my majestic splendor.’ 31 “While these words were still in his mouth, a voice called down from heaven, ‘O King Nebuchadnezzar, this message is for you! You are no longer ruler of this kingdom. 32 You will be driven from human society. You will live in the fields with the wild animals, and you will eat grass like a cow. Seven periods of time will pass while you live this way, until you learn that the Most High rules over the kingdoms of the world and gives them to anyone he chooses.’ 33 “That same hour the judgment was fulfilled, and Nebuchadnezzar was driven from human society. He ate grass like a cow, and he was drenched with the dew of heaven. He lived this way until his hair was as long as eagles’ feathers and his nails were like birds’ claws. 34 “After this time had passed, I, Nebuchadnezzar, looked up to heaven. My sanity returned, and I praised and worshiped the Most High and honored the one who lives forever.

so I have felt.. that this time.. if I were to turn from following the Lord completely.. I would be at the state of being turned over to the reprobate mind... I felt as if I were running on the beach and the Lord pushed my face in the sand and made me finally completely turn myself over to Him... and I did... and I admit.. I FEAR the Lord.. I KNOW His power and His might.. and I am very fearful to disobey Him.. I don't think we get something as easy as death when He punishes us.. instead we get living hell.. whether it is our mind or our body or our circumstances.. whatever it is.. when God says enough is enough.. know that He is serious and we will pay a HIGH cost of disobedience...

someone recently said that they follow God out of love for Him... I would agree that I love God like I have never loved anyone or anything.. but I also have a healthy fear and respect for His power.. His might.. and the weight of His hand... and I truly reverence.. respect.. and fear the Lord... as well as loving Him...

defeated...

I am not attaching scripture.. but if I were.. I would attach the entire book of Job...

if we read Job.. in the beginning of his trial.. he was going to be all right.. he figured that we cannot expect only good from the hand of God... that we will have trials and tribulations also.. and we need to be thankful in the midst of all of it... but toward the end of the battle.. he is defeated.. he doesn't curse God... why would you... I am not cursing God either.. but I have to admit.. I am defeated... I am weary.. I am tired.. I am ready to just slip away into nothingness...

now don't get me wrong.. none of this means that I don't love God.. I do.. He is my best friend.. the Lover of my soul... He is my Father.. my Lord.. my God.. but I am worn out from this battle.. it is too long.. too tiring.. too much for me to have handled... I wonder.. is this where the scripture about resting in the Lord comes from... idk.. I would like to imagine that I am resting in Him.. yet if I were.. would I feel as though I am fighting this battle myself?

a co-worker suggests to me this morning that maybe I just need a weekend away by myself.. and I assure you that is the truth! I would be so much better off if the sun were shining and I were laying alongside a pool somewhere.. for some reason.. the sun beaming down on me just lifts me... I can feel the hand of God in the sun's rays... I feel as if He is sitting with me.. with His arm on me.. and I get so much rest from that... but it is not sunny.. and I cannot feel the arm of God holding me tight..

this very morning.. I wondered.. do I really believe God is real.. or is this just something we tell ourselves to make us feel better...

even if it is just something I tell myself for comfort... I will always believe God is real.. because He is real for me.. I don't know if He is real for someone else.. but I know that I need Him.. that I cannot function without Him... all things in my life may fade away.. but God is still real for me...

I admit that I am tired of being alone.. and that is never a good place for me to be.. I pray I see the hand of God move soon.. or His voice speak something into life.. but I pray for the strength to withstand in the meanwhile... as I am defeated...

taming of the tongue...

James 3: 1 Dear brothers and sisters, not many of you should become teachers in the church, for we who teach will be judged more strictly. 2 Indeed, we all make many mistakes. For if we could control our tongues, we would be perfect and could also control ourselves in every other way. 3 We can make a large horse go wherever we want by means of a small bit in its mouth. 4 And a small rudder makes a huge ship turn wherever the pilot chooses to go, even though the winds are strong. 5 In the same way, the tongue is a small thing that makes grand speeches. But a tiny spark can set a great forest on fire. 6 And the tongue is a flame of fire. It is a whole world of wickedness, corrupting your entire body. It can set your whole life on fire, for it is set on fire by hell itself.
7 People can tame all kinds of animals, birds, reptiles, and fish, 8 but no one can tame the tongue. It is restless and evil, full of deadly poison. 9 Sometimes it praises our Lord and Father, and sometimes it curses those who have been made in the image of God. 10 And so blessing and cursing come pouring out of the same mouth. Surely, my brothers and sisters, this is not right! 11 Does a spring of water bubble out with both fresh water and bitter water? 12 Does a fig tree produce olives, or a grapevine produce figs? No, and you can’t draw fresh water from a salty spring.

last night after children's church... I was talking with two of the teachers/leaders of the ministry... and I was outside yelling.. as it true to form for me.. yelling from one person to another.. one of them told me to stop being mean.. I am thinking.. I wasn't being mean.. no one really takes me seriously when I yell.. just look around at the kids.. they wouldn't cling to me like they do if they felt I was mean in any way... she says that when someone doesn't know me.. then they think I am mean.. so in my head.. I am thinking.. I really probably should be one of those quiet silent types... as I get home.. I hear God saying.. you are created as you are.. on purpose...

when we think of taming the tongue.. we think about being quiet and subdued.. God has revealed to me that taming my own tongue is not so much about being quiet or subdued as it is about being encouraging and truthful... truthful is a HIGH priority in my own life.. so truthful is no struggle.. but.. sometimes I could possibly come out with the truth in a more tactful way...

I believe taming the tongue is more about how we speak.. what words come out of our mouth.. are we condemning and rude.. mean and hurtful... or are we instead encouraging and building up... that is what I think the taming really is.. to keep the words that come out of our mouth to be pleasing to God's ears...

what comes out of the mouth is what is in the heart.. so really.. the true change needs to come in our heart and mind.. if we are thinking mean and hateful things.. that is what comes across.. even if the words seem to be dripping in honey.. yet if our hearts are pure.. we can say truthful and hard to hear things because someone knows that we are not judging or condemning them.. just trying to help get things right...

tame our heart and our mind.. allow God to transform these things.. and our tongue will be tamed...

be comfortable in who God made you to be.. if He isn't telling you to change something.. pray about it before you allow others to make you think it needs changed.. it really could be who you are on purpose...

trust...

Psalms 33: 4 For the word of the LORD holds true, and we can trust everything he does.

I have real trust issues... I believe in God completely... I know without doubts that He will fix everything.. He will take care of me.. He will provide for me... He will lead me to a job.. a house.. food.. finances... a car.. I completely trust God in these physical areas.. completely...

but when it comes to my heart... like any other man... I tend to be wary of trusting even God... I see things in my head.. I know they are truth.. yet and still when it comes to believe it when it gets dark out.. I get fearful.. I get untrusting..

now I know that no matter what happens.. I will be fine.. I will overcome.. I will not fall apart or die.. yet I try valiantly to protect my heart.. when God really wants us to give our hearts away and trust Him to protect them..

I am not yet at that point.. although I am striving..