Psalms 90: 10 Seventy years are given to us! Some even live to eighty. But even the best years are filled with pain and trouble; soon they disappear, and we fly away.

this evening.. as I have this nerve pain in my back again.. I guess in my subconcious I must have been saying that I thought this pain was going to be over with... and I clearly hear God say to me.. "I have not promised that you will not have pain... "

well... I gotta tell you.. I was somewhat really hoping for no pain.. no physical pain.. no emotional pain.. no pain at all.. and I am reminded.. I am not ever going to have a perfect life.. wouldn't it be wonderful if we could decide exactly what our pain would be and how it would come.. how heavy it would be.. where it would be at.. who would and would not cause us pain... I was accepting the "there will be trials and tribulations in this life" but I really could have done without the pain...

I realize.. we often desire to be god of our lives.. at least I do..
if I were able to choose all this.. what does and does not happen.. what I do and do not go through.. then I would be like God.. and that just is not my role.. so I have to adjust and accept what it is that He feels I need to go through or not go through.. and realize that He tailor made all of our pain and troubles for us individually... we can look at someone else's trouble and think we would like to trade.. LOL.. at least I can do that.. but either their life would be too heavy or too light.. God intentionally chooses our battles.. our victories.. I think even our losses... they are designed to shape and mold us into who we need to be..

we need to become thankful for the pain and the burdens rather than trying to get out from under them.. maybe ask God what He is trying to teach us through them.. maybe they will go faster that way... maybe not.. maybe they will continue to last a long time.. even a whole lifetime.. but it is not for us to decide.. we are not God.. as we submit to His will and His ways.. we daily become more like Him.. and isn't that really the goal.. to be made in the image of God..

so we change our outlook on it.. and we smile through it... and be thankful.. at all times.. both happy and painful... and then God will get the glory for our lives.. and bringing God glory is surely the main purpose of all of our lives..

covenant...

Genesis 17: 7 “I will confirm my covenant with you and your descendants after you, from generation to generation. This is the everlasting covenant: I will always be your God and the God of your descendants after you. 8 And I will give the entire land of Canaan, where you now live as a foreigner, to you and your descendants. It will be their possession forever, and I will be their God.”

we don't really know what covenant means.. I think we find out as time goes by.. but I don't think we knew what it was to begin with... we don't know what love is.. we think it is a feeling.. when really it is a choice we make despite what we feel.. to act in the correct manner.. to show love despite our emotions.. we can feel like we hate someone and really show them we still love them deep down by our actions.. they never have to know what we were feeling at all... there is a scripture that says weigh the cost before you commit.. so that you are sure to endure to the end.. (but I couldn't find it for some reason.. I hate that..) we enter too lightly into commitments and do not remain true.. we are a faithless and unstable people...

most times.. we enter into a contract.. not a covenant.. whether it be accepting a job or marrying someone.. we decide that this is good for now.. and when we no longer want to be in it.. we break the contract.. and go looking for something we expect to be better than what we just left.. I believe a contract is something that we make in our own power...

this is not the same thing as a covenant.. a covenant begins when God said it began and it lasts for a lifetime.. one way to know something is covenant and not contract is the realization that it won't let you go.. you can try to walk away from someone or something.. but something keeps drawing you back and doesn't allow you to let go... ever... I believe a covenant is held by God's power.. not our own..

this is also true of our relationship with God.. when we commit ourselves to Him that very first time.. that is the beginning of a covenant.. an everlasting covenant.. we can try to walk away.. we can act like we don't belong to Him.. but He never lets us go.. it keeps drawing us back to Him.. we hold on when our faith is weak.. when our strength is gone.. there is still some thread of hope that keeps us keeping on.. God doesn't leave us when we sin.. our sin does not break the covenant... it separates us in relationship.. the relationship can become strained.. but He still loves us.. still keeps holding out for our true change.. still keeps protecting us and watching over us...

covenant is forever.. with God.. with man.. even with a purpose or ministry.. it cannot be broken.. it still exists even if we defile ourselves with other things.. I suggest we realize how committing covenant really is.. and begin to stay true to it.. pure in it and undefiled... surely God will reward our faithfulness..

Psalms 9: 1-2 1 I will praise you, Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all the marvelous things you have done. 2 I will be filled with joy because of you. I will sing praises to your name, O Most High.

david is one of my favorite bible heros... I find him to be such an amazing man... david.. who really did more than most... does not.. come across as if he thinks he is anything... he often states that he can't imagine why God even looks at him... he never became puffed up or full of himself...

he screwed up pretty regularly... yet he was always in the habit of praising God despite his circumstance... saul chasing him down and trying to kill him for 20years really was none of his own doing.. saul was just a loon... full of evil spirits.. and david did nothing against him.. kept on praising God for his goodness through the whole thing...

I think that thankfulness is almost an attitude... grateful for what is rather than what could be... when I was young I was so selfish and so ungrateful... as I have gone through life's trials and been shaken and tossed to and fro I realize that God is my everything.. He is my anchor... my peace.. my God... my Father..

I have no idea why God looks at me.. what He sees in me.. but I am so thankful that He does..

Esther 1: 10 On the seventh day of the feast, when King Xerxes was in high spirits because of the wine, he told the seven eunuchs who attended him—Mehuman, Biztha, Harbona, Bigtha, Abagtha, Zethar, and Carcas— 11 to bring Queen Vashti to him with the royal crown on her head. He wanted the nobles and all the other men to gaze on her beauty, for she was a very beautiful woman. 12 But when they conveyed the king’s order to Queen Vashti, she refused to come. This made the king furious, and he burned with anger. 15 “What must be done to Queen Vashti?” the king demanded. “What penalty does the law provide for a queen who refuses to obey the king’s orders, properly sent through his eunuchs?”
16 Memucan answered the king and his nobles, “Queen Vashti has wronged not only the king but also every noble and citizen throughout your empire. 17 Women everywhere will begin to despise their husbands when they learn that Queen Vashti has refused to appear before the king. 18 Before this day is out, the wives of all the king’s nobles throughout Persia and Media will hear what the queen did and will start treating their husbands the same way. There will be no end to their contempt and anger.

19 “So if it please the king, we suggest that you issue a written decree, a law of the Persians and Medes that cannot be revoked. It should order that Queen Vashti be forever banished from the presence of King Xerxes, and that the king should choose another queen more worthy than she. 20 When this decree is published throughout the king’s vast empire, husbands everywhere, whatever their rank, will receive proper respect from their wives!”

21 The king and his nobles thought this made good sense, so he followed Memucan’s counsel. 22 He sent letters to all parts of the empire, to each province in its own script and language, proclaiming that every man should be the ruler of his own home and should say whatever he pleases.

different people view this situation different ways... we can either see vashti's disobedience.. or we can see the king's ridiculousness in his request and response...

the truth of it is.. we cannot control someone else's actions.. we can only control our own actions... we cannot make someone else do what we feel is right... even if we really are right... but our own responsibility before God is to do the right thing ourselves... I can absolutely understand her not wanting to be put on display.. especially if the truth was that she was to go wearing nothing at all but the crown... but.. if she was obedient... who would the truth of the shame and blame been upon? truly.. he would have ended up mad that everyone saw her naked.. that the other men desired her... and.. she would have been seen as submissive and beautiful to the whole nation.. instead she is remembered most for her disobedience... she had influence to upset the households of an entire nation.. all the women would be influenced by what she did.. whether right or wrong.. do we really notice how many people are watching us and possibly following in our footsteps.. and how important it is for us to do the right thing...

now truly.. I don't feel this king was right in what he wanted... he was drunk and was showing her off like she was a new car... but... what is her real responsibility biblically... my opinion is that her responsibility was to be obedient to him... he would have looked like a fool in the end for even requesting it.. and she would have came out looking like the golden woman... this one act of disobedience cost her the crown.. her family.. finances.. home... everything.. she was banished from the kingdom.. for one act of disobedience...

while I was going through what I went through with God for the past 2 years.. and I feared that He was never going to fix my situation.. meaning I would just lose my future behind it... and it was really an eye opening experience to know... really know... that God doesn't have to forgive us.. He doesn't have to fix things for us.. and if we realize that.. we probably will be far more cautious with our decisions.. at least I know it has done that for me anyways... I am SO THANKFUL that God is the God of so many many chances... I pray that God will help me to be obedient in all situations.. I pray that if someone makes bad decisions for me.. that He will come and rescue me.. and that in my obedience.. I will retain my rightful place and not be banished from the kingdom... I pray that I use my influence of others to show what a true christian woman should be.. I pray that people see Christ in me at all times..

Ecclesiastes 7: 26 I discovered that a seductive woman is a trap more bitter than death. Her passion is a snare, and her soft hands are chains. Those who are pleasing to God will escape her, but sinners will be caught in her snare.
27 “This is my conclusion,” says the Teacher. “I discovered this after looking at the matter from every possible angle. 28 Though I have searched repeatedly, I have not found what I was looking for. Only one out of a thousand men is virtuous, but not one woman! 29 But I did find this: God created people to be virtuous, but they have each turned to follow their own downward path.”

well.. I don't know about you.. but I found this to be an amazing scripture.. how often do we think it is the man that is not virtuous.. that is the experience we have had.. that is the truth that we have known.. yet scripturally... it says it is the woman that is not virtuous... that was a shocker for me...

but is it....

look back over your life... we have used our 'womanhood' to manipulate men.. to change them.. (even if only for the time being) to trap them.. to keep them... to hurt them...

honestly.. if we think about it.. men almost fall into being with women.. we on the other hand.. plan it out... we think about it ahead of time.. and then we walk forward.. usually men don't think it out.. it is there and they fall into it.. then they can't seem to figure out how to get away from it... a man will rarely sleep with someone just to hurt you... that may be the result.. but usually not the intention...

only one man out of a thousand is virtuous... but not one woman... that really stings...

God created people to be virtuous but they have each turned to follow their own downward path..

that has been true of me.. I am on God's path now.. but truly I was on my own path in the past...

I am thankful that God is the God of a second and third and fourth chance.. maybe I was not promiscuous in my life.. but I was also not virtuous.. virtuous is both morally and ethically excellent.. I have not been that....

but thankfully.. I am on the path for it now! Thank you Jesus for life changing power and grace and mercy and forgiveness... Thank you for giving us a lifetime to get it right..

leaders are chosen by God...

1 In the first year of King Cyrus of Persia, the LORD fulfilled the prophecy he had given through Jeremiah. He stirred the heart of Cyrus to put this proclamation in writing and to send it throughout his kingdom:
2 “This is what King Cyrus of Persia says: “The LORD, the God of heaven, has given me all the kingdoms of the earth. He has appointed me to build him a Temple at Jerusalem, which is in Judah. 3 Any of you who are his people may go to Jerusalem in Judah to rebuild this Temple of the LORD, the God of Israel, who lives in Jerusalem. And may your God be with you! 4 Wherever this Jewish remnant is found, let their neighbors contribute toward their expenses by giving them silver and gold, supplies for the journey, and livestock, as well as a voluntary offering for the Temple of God in Jerusalem.” 5 Then God stirred the hearts of the priests and Levites and the leaders of the tribes of Judah and Benjamin to go to Jerusalem to rebuild the Temple of the LORD. 6 And all their neighbors assisted by giving them articles of silver and gold, supplies for the journey, and livestock. They gave them many valuable gifts in addition to all the voluntary offerings. 7 King Cyrus himself brought out the articles that King Nebuchadnezzar had taken from the LORD’s Temple in Jerusalem and had placed in the temple of his own gods. 8 Cyrus directed Mithredath, the treasurer of Persia, to count these items and present them to Sheshbazzar, the leader of the exiles returning to Judah.

I don't really think we understand submission and leadership.... one of the things God has taught me is that the leader really isn't leading.. it is God leading through the leader.. so we as people decide that a leader really doesn't know what he is doing... and we have such a better way of doing things if they would only listen to us... yet biblically.. God is saying that HE is leading us through the leader... so we are really telling God that our way is better than His.. and truly.. haven't we done that hundreds of times and ended up in a mess!

God used a pagan king to financially support Him moving His people back to Jerusalum... someone who didn't have knowledge of God or serve Him... yet somehow we determine that God can't move someone and God can't or won't get things done.. at least not to our satisfaction.. so maybe the real issue is.. we are looking for and wanting things to be done the way that is not God's way...

I am in full belief that if we could sit down and relax sometimes it would greatly be to our benefit.. and probably all those around us too.. LOL!

Isaiah 7: 3 Then the LORD said to Isaiah, “Take your son Shear-jashub and go out to meet King Ahaz. You will find him at the end of the aqueduct that feeds water into the upper pool, near the road leading to the field where cloth is washed. 4 Tell him to stop worrying. Tell him he doesn’t need to fear the fierce anger of those two burned-out embers, King Rezin of Syria and Pekah son of Remaliah. 5 Yes, the kings of Syria and Israel are plotting against him, saying, 6 ‘We will attack Judah and capture it for ourselves. Then we will install the son of Tabeel as Judah’s king.’ 7 But this is what the Sovereign LORD says:
“This invasion will never happen; it will never take place; 8 for Syria is no stronger than its capital, Damascus, and Damascus is no stronger than its king, Rezin. As for Israel, within sixty-five years it will be crushed and completely destroyed. 9 Israel is no stronger than its capital, Samaria, and Samaria is no stronger than its king, Pekah son of Remaliah. Unless your faith is firm, I cannot make you stand firm.”

there is a leadership saying that a ministry will never rise above it's head.. it is called the law of the lid... of course this is true in general.. the family will never rise above the head.. the job will never rise above the boss... in this scripture the bible is saying that a country cannot rise above the king... basically the same thing...

the part that struck me is the unless your faith is firm, I cannot make you stand firm...

I think that God is telling this king that if he doesn't believe God when He tells him that they will not defeat this king.. then God cannot make Him stand on it... God cannot give us peace or comfort when we refuse to believe what He tells us... if God says that He is our provider and we constantly worry about provision.. then we will never have faith in Him being the provider...

what good does it do for God to give us promises and we don't believe them...

that is not having faith and believing that He is in control.. I would suggest that we all have particular areas in which we are not allowing God to have control... and in not allowing Him to be in control.. we are actually not believing He will take care of us in this area.. we are not trusting Him.. our faith is not firm...

I think we all have areas where our faith IS strong and we have no doubts.. but we also have other areas where our faith is not strong and we are weak and wavering... how can God make us firm if we refuse to believe in Him... He cannot stengthen our faith and show us that He is trustworthy in what He says He will do if we will not allow Him to show us that He is true to His word... our faith gets strengthened by God proving Himself to us..

I want to be able to stand firm.. I want my faith to be firm... I want God to be able to help me to stand firm when I am feeling weak... I am thankful for the word of God! I am thankful for His voice! I am thankful for His love for me and for you too!