today I am reading a devotional and the translation they used for Hebrews 5: 14 says 'They were not ready for a solid diet of self sacrifice'. 

I have to say.... some days.. many days I feel I am in that place!!! 

I DO NOT want to live a life of self sacrifice.. somehow I want to be in God's will for my life.. but I want it to be attractive and fun and desireable.. not this struggle to keep walking in the way I believe God wants me to... 

I mean why is it that some people can get away with doing certain things and it is as if God is all right with it because He hasn't called them away from it... it is frustrating.. I don't want to keep going on this believing trail.. I don't want to go without things I desire because they aren't what is right for me.. so when will what is right for me ever show up?? surely I am not getting any younger... 

Father give me the willingness to live the life you have called me to.. to sacrifice the things of the world to live in peace with the Spirit.. 

so the girlfriends in God devotional this morning is about the way we see our worth.. 

of course I don't see anything the same way as anyone else does.. but go with me here for a minute... 

before this personal relationship with God.. I just knew I was the best woman on this earth and all other people are at least slightly less than.. it wasn't their fault or anything but God loved me more than everyone else.. now these were not just words out my mouth.. I really believed it... 

then Jesus and I got personal.. and he showed me the true value biblically of a woman... now this is not to say she is not important.. or not needed.. but it is CLEAR in the bible that the value of a man.. especially a first born man is far above that of everyone else.. 

so I would say for me.. the closer I got to God.. the less I thought of myself.. 

and I would say that is right.. I was so full of pride and haughtiness that I am surprised God saw any value at all in me.. so He teaches me that I am valued by Him.. but I am not the center of the universe.. I am a servant.. 

for a long time that has crushed me.. to go from the favored daughter of the King to becoming a servant of all mankind... 

but isn't that just who Jesus was too.........

our value and favor comes from God.. not by who serves us.. but by who we serve is my belief now.. 

Ecclesiastes 8: 14 And this is not all that is meaningless in our world. In this life, good people are often treated as though they were wicked, and wicked people are often treated as though they were good. This is so meaningless!

15 So I recommend having fun, because there is nothing better for people in this world than to eat, drink, and enjoy life. That way they will experience some happiness along with all the hard work God gives them under the sun.

16 In my search for wisdom and in my observation of people’s burdens here on earth, I discovered that there is ceaseless activity, day and night. 17 I realized that no one can discover everything God is doing under the sun. Not even the wisest people discover everything, no matter what they claim.

​I think sometimes about Solomon.. having been the wisest person ever... and in his old age somehow his heart is turned away from the things of God.. 

when he says in v15 about ​recommending having fun and enjoying life.. I agree that we are to enjoy this life God has given us, but I wonder if by the time this was written.. if solomon wasn't feeling estranged from God.. wasn't feeling like life is futile.. 

I have been feeling that way myself lately.. I have a good life.. I am in no way complaining about my life.. but I will say that some days I am very saddened by not having love in my life.. by being alone all these years.. and I am alone because I am waiting on God to bring me a relationship.. doesn't really matter the who of it.. just that I know it is from God.. and still I am alone.. now that doesn't mean that I would go back to the worldly ways.. at this point I doubt if I have what it takes to do that.. but I do sometimes feel like I have missed out on life... 

I wonder if solomon, with all this thousands of women, wasn't feeling like he wasn't loved and so he allowed women and worldly ways to lead him away from God in the old age of his life.. did solomon with all his wisdom.. with all his money.. all he had.. did he feel like his life was passing him by because he was unloved... 

Lord please keep me close to your heart.. regardless of my emotions.. don't allow me to stray away from You... amen.

just me talking... 

so we have been doing a relationship series at my church... 

I really don't agree with alot of what was said from a spiritual standpoint.. but from a worldly sense I guess I would... 

God had put me in a situation or at least I have believed it was God all this time.. but it has been a very long time.. and I still see nothing... so my faith is wavering.. and the church comes at us with advice from books that sound much like the thoughts of the world... so my faith is crashing.. 

and here comes a gorgeous man with a perfect body that opens car doors up for you... trying to push up on me... 

now in truth.. my spirit still tells me God told me the truth many years ago.. but I have to admit.. my body is telling me that maybe I have been deceived and should see where the new situation might lead... all while imagining God is probably telling me this man is ishmael... me forcing my will instead of waiting on God.. 

I have been celibate many years now.. I am not sure I could allow someone to see me naked without some sort of commitment.. but this man is surely pushing me to the edges of reason..

idk... what do you do when you no longer know what is the truth............ and God is still not speaking... 

I believe love is a decision.. not something you can't control.. I believe sometimes you have to commit to love someone because that is the right thing if you are in a covenant.. I think you have to continue to love them and the emotions will come and go but in the end will stay long term... 

but what good does that do when you can't see what God has said happening? how long is too long to wait on God? when do you give up believing in God?

is it when it doesn't make sense? is it when you can't see it? I thought all of those things were exactly what faith really is........

what do you do when you no longer know what is the truth................ and God is still not speaking... 

Genesis 16: Now Sarai, Abram’s wife, had not been able to bear children for him. But she had an Egyptian servant named Hagar. 2 So Sarai said to Abram, “The Lord has prevented me from having children. Go and sleep with my servant. Perhaps I can have children through her.” And Abram agreed with Sarai’s proposal. 3 So Sarai, Abram’s wife, took Hagar the Egyptian servant and gave her to Abram as a wife. (This happened ten years after Abram had settled in the land of Canaan.) 4 So Abram had sexual relations with Hagar, and she became pregnant. But when Hagar knew she was pregnant, she began to treat her mistress, Sarai, with contempt. 5 Then Sarai said to Abram, “This is all your fault! I put my servant into your arms, but now that she’s pregnant she treats me with contempt. The Lord will show who’s wrong—you or me!” 6 Abram replied, “Look, she is your servant, so deal with her as you see fit.” Then Sarai treated Hagar so harshly that she finally ran away.

7 The angel of the Lord found Hagar beside a spring of water in the wilderness, along the road to Shur. 8 The angel said to her, “Hagar, Sarai’s servant, where have you come from, and where are you going?” “I’m running away from my mistress, Sarai,” she replied. 9 The angel of the Lord said to her, “Return to your mistress, and submit to her authority.” 10 Then he added, “I will give you more descendants than you can count.” 11 And the angel also said, “You are now pregnant and will give birth to a son. You are to name him Ishmael (which means ‘God hears’), for the Lord has heard your cry of distress. 12 This son of yours will be a wild man, as untamed as a wild donkey! He will raise his fist against everyone, and everyone will be against him. Yes, he will live in open hostility against all his relatives.”

13 Thereafter, Hagar used another name to refer to the Lord, who had spoken to her. She said, “You are the God who sees me.” She also said, “Have I truly seen the One who sees me?”

this entire story is a mountain of confusion and not understanding for me.. first of all.. what woman with good sense wants your husband to sleep with another woman just because you are not getting the child you want so badly.. that woman is not going to disappear and you can call that child yours all you want, but at the end of the day it is still a child between your husband and another woman... secondly.. sarah imagines she is not wrong in the whole scenerio and thinks abraham is wrong.. ?? that was a crazy statement... next.. hagar runs away and meets God.. now look.. hagar got the bad end of this all around.. not to say that her becoming haughty and prideful was right.. but she is forced to sleep with a man that doesn't love her.. she gets pregnant and now the wife that caused it all hates her and treats her very harshly.. then she meets God.. who tells her to go back to it... (who has ANY understanding for why God sends us back into a bad situation??) then later.. after isaac is born.. sarah sends her away anyways... none of that story makes good sense to me on any level... so.. here are my takeaways... 

God doesn't always make sense to us.. He used this woman and made her a mother of many nations due to what she went through.. but she went through a bad time to get there.. some of it induced by God in her mind because He is the one that sent her back there after she left the first time.. and we are not talking about a bad time for a short time... she lived in this until ishmael was about 13yrs old.. so she lived through the situation for at least 14yrs... 

at the end of the scripture she says the God who sees me.. then says have I truly seen the one who sees me?

idk about you but I have been there.. I have been in a place where I am so close to God and hear Him so clearly and then it all falls apart and you stand and wonder.. did I really see God afterall or was it just my imagination??

God still turned it all for the good.. that is one thing about God.. whatever we go through.. whatever the situation.. after time passes.. we can look back and know that God will use all of it to make us better.. and sometimes make us more than we ever could have been if it had not happened... had hagar not had this child.. she would have remained a slave all her life.. but because of the child she was able to become a wealthy woman through her son... so she was better than she ever could have been if she had not gone through it.. 

I have been reading Jeremiah the last few weeks.. and God used Babylon and Nebuchadnezzar to bring down the jewish people who were not living for Him... He called babylon His servant... as if they were created for His good.. which is what we think about ourselves too... and when we read about Daniel.. Nebuchadnezzar was very good to Daniel.. even talked about Daniel's God... 

well today I get to Jeremiah 51 and God is talking about destroying Babylon now... I am hoping that when God took out His judgement on Babylon that the kings that did God's will, whether intentionally or non intentionally, were long since gone.. I hope it was taken out on kings that acted as if God wasn't real... 

when we read about Moses.. that is one of the things that bothers me about the pharoah... God uses him.. turns his heart to do what God wants him to do in order to save the people of God.. and he dies never having known God.. destroyed by God.. 

but we screw up all the time.. much like the people of Israel did.. we love God but chase after our own will even when we act like we aren't.. we are too afraid to really go forward in God's will because we want to feel safe and secure... so how different are we from the people God destroyed? but God saved the Israelites.. at least a remnant.. I pray I am part of God's saved remnant despite my wrong thoughts.. wrong desires.. battle to do God's will.. I pray still He will keep me as a part of the remant of God... 

1 John 4: 18 Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love.

I take calls on a prayer line once a week.. and this past week a woman tried to tell me that I was wrong when I said fear is not of God.. the bible says God did not give us a spirit of fear.. said that actually says a spirit of timidity.. so even if she were correct in her thinking.. which I don't think she was.. here is another scripture that teaches us that fear is not from God.. 

now I think that fear can be a good thing and a bad thing.. we get afraid most times when we are about to do something wrong.. it is a sensor guide to let you know you are stepping off the intended path.. idk if I would even call that actual fear.. that is more like warning.. on the flip side.. if we allow ourselves to.. we can get stuck due to paralizing fear.. 

God loves us so much that if we truly accept His love.. we can know that He will do what is best for us.. now this doesn't mean we will never be hurt.. it doesn't mean that we will never be afraid.. but if we trust Him truly.. we know that the outcome.. when we allow God to guide it.. will be better than what we thought should have been.. 

sometimes it is so easy to see why we think something or someone would be a good thing for us.. but we don't see all that God sees.. and sometimes the hurt that we feel would be nothing compared to the hurt we would endure if God allowed us to have our way.. so still the hurt was for our good.. 

I truly believe when looking back over my life.. that all things have worked together for my good and made me a better person due to the experience.. 

I can't say I never fear.. but above that fear.. I trust God with my life..