Psalms 39: 1 I said to myself, “I will watch what I do and not sin in what I say. I will hold my tongue when the ungodly are around me.” 2 But as I stood there in silence— not even speaking of good things— the turmoil within me grew worse. 3 The more I thought about it, the hotter I got, igniting a fire of words: 4 “LORD, remind me how brief my time on earth will be. Remind me that my days are numbered— how fleeting my life is. 5 You have made my life no longer than the width of my hand. My entire lifetime is just a moment to you; at best, each of us is but a breath.
as much as I try to not get upset.. still I do... as much as I try to not yell and defend myself.. yet I do.. I feel like the psalmist.. the more I think about it.. the hotter I get.. and it ignites a fire of words...
yesterday I was upset in general... I have been upset for the past few weeks.. it seems to be building bigger and bigger... I don't seem to be able to rest in the Lord.. I don't seem to be able to just relax... if I could just harden my heart... but God does not want that either...
so what is the answer?... I am sure I don't know... I know that we do not have a long time on this earth... although sometimes it feels like it drags on endlessly... when we turn around.. we can see it has flown by... I know the things that worked in the world will not work in the kingdom of God.. yet they are so much easier!! if I just shut myself off... let go of the emotions.. just go back to not caring... that is what 'feels' like the best answer... but that is not the God answer...
there is surely a reason for this fire within me.. for this pressure that has me boiling... ready to lash out.. ready to fall apart.. ready to just give in and give up!!! the bible says that God uses pressure to refine us.. to make us pure.. I have to say that the LAST thing I am right now is pure... I am full of all the things I have worked so hard to get rid of... full to the brim... they are ready to come boiling over... yet that is not the plan... that is not the purpose of the boiling point.. the purpose is to get me to manage it without boiling.. ummmm.. so Jesus.. if you don't want me to boil over.. please turn down the fire!!! thank you and amen!!
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