defeated...

I am not attaching scripture.. but if I were.. I would attach the entire book of Job...

if we read Job.. in the beginning of his trial.. he was going to be all right.. he figured that we cannot expect only good from the hand of God... that we will have trials and tribulations also.. and we need to be thankful in the midst of all of it... but toward the end of the battle.. he is defeated.. he doesn't curse God... why would you... I am not cursing God either.. but I have to admit.. I am defeated... I am weary.. I am tired.. I am ready to just slip away into nothingness...

now don't get me wrong.. none of this means that I don't love God.. I do.. He is my best friend.. the Lover of my soul... He is my Father.. my Lord.. my God.. but I am worn out from this battle.. it is too long.. too tiring.. too much for me to have handled... I wonder.. is this where the scripture about resting in the Lord comes from... idk.. I would like to imagine that I am resting in Him.. yet if I were.. would I feel as though I am fighting this battle myself?

a co-worker suggests to me this morning that maybe I just need a weekend away by myself.. and I assure you that is the truth! I would be so much better off if the sun were shining and I were laying alongside a pool somewhere.. for some reason.. the sun beaming down on me just lifts me... I can feel the hand of God in the sun's rays... I feel as if He is sitting with me.. with His arm on me.. and I get so much rest from that... but it is not sunny.. and I cannot feel the arm of God holding me tight..

this very morning.. I wondered.. do I really believe God is real.. or is this just something we tell ourselves to make us feel better...

even if it is just something I tell myself for comfort... I will always believe God is real.. because He is real for me.. I don't know if He is real for someone else.. but I know that I need Him.. that I cannot function without Him... all things in my life may fade away.. but God is still real for me...

I admit that I am tired of being alone.. and that is never a good place for me to be.. I pray I see the hand of God move soon.. or His voice speak something into life.. but I pray for the strength to withstand in the meanwhile... as I am defeated...