women and God

my mother was a submissive woman... submissive to an idiot... from the time I was about 5 years old I wanted my dad to die... he was mean and hateful... never had anything nice to say... never did anything nice for anyone... he was verbally abusive...
I get married... surprise.. surprise... to an abuser... physically and emotionally and verbally... and I was submissive because that was what I was taught, but it was also what was right... it was stupid of me though because I remember being in a bathroom stall in a place called rudy's house of submarines... and I hear an audible voice of God say to me this is not for you... and I say this is what I want.. let me have it anyways... and God says to me you will pay a very high price for this... how stupid can a person really be? from here on out... trust me... any time I hear this is not for you... or even get a feeling in my belly that something is off... I am OUT....
when I leave him this ghetto women's lib person arises in me... then somehow it is all about me now... and I stay alone and use people for what I want and have no thoughts of their feelings... I didn't really love anyone... not even myself...
then a couple years ago God starts talking about marriage to me.. and God's idea of marriage is different than ours... by this time I am in right relationship with God... He is my husband... He is my provider... He is the lover of my soul... He is my world... that is what a single woman's relationship with God is supposed to be... I was totally in love with God... happy feelings... butterflies... emotional and all... it was the greatest love ever.... then he pulls back and I don't understand... and I feel someone between us... what sense does that make? what is that about? why would a person be between you and God??
Friday night I spend the night alone with God. no tv. no stereo. just me and God. when I wake up on Saturday morning I feel God even further away than before. I think he was doing it in steps... so now he is there, but not the same as before. of course this is very distressing... almost feels like a man has left me and I don't know why. then I got understanding. this is the difference between a married woman's relationship with God and a single woman's. the bible tells us that a single woman only has to worry about the things of God and that is right. but a married woman has to worry about a household. I am getting that even in the spiritual relationship the man will be the leader of that too... (I am not feeling so great about that...) that doesn't mean that you won't spend time alone with God and read your own bible and pray and study by yourself. you will. but the man will be the head of even the spiritual growth in the household. we surely need to be more selective about who we choose to be the head of our house (choose or allow... whichever...) if the man is not what he needs to be in God this will affect every part of your life. even spiritually...
I find that women do not have a covenant with God. no where in the bible will you find a woman that God has made covenant with. the covenant is made with the man. who is the head of the woman. when you are young you are covered under covenant of your father. if you no longer have relationship with your father or family I believe God will carry you or cover you until you get into covenant with a man (if you have any sense... it will be a man God chooses for you...) then you are covered by God's covenant with the man... I know women don't want to hear any of this... I didn't like it much either... if God is going to put me in a marriage I wish he would get to some of the good stuff about it instead of all this stuff I didn't want to know... I liked it so much better when God liked me better than everyone else.... him liking a man better than me... or putting one over me.. is really hard to take some days...