exposed....

that is what is really wrong here...
I am wide open and exposed and I am not feeling safe... not feeling comfortable...

people here in the south will not understand what I am saying.. but people who knew me before... knew in reality the horror that I lived through... even though they really didn't know... they can at least partially see.... any person that has been through a death defying experience can understand that you never tell what really happened... and I told it all... like I got no sense... to a person.... yes, this person is trustworthy... but that part is irrelevant... I let someone in under the wire... under all the walls and protection.. and all I can think about now is how do I make this seem like I didn't really give anything personal? how can I make it seem like they are not inside my skin?? how can I get them back out and recover personal security....
how do you get to the place of being not ashamed to let someone see who you really are? the old me, the hard me, the man-brained me would decide... so what... you still don't know me... all I have to do is close down and shut you back out... you aren't in that deep.... you don't really know anything....
but I hear from a family member today that this is just another piece of me to surrender to God. that I will have to acknowledge that someone is inside and accept that maybe it will be okay.. and quit trying to push them back out... if it's not, it is in God's hands... not man's... I have given familiarity before, but this full exposure, this is intimacy, emotionally... and I am scared of it.... ultimately I have to acknowledge that I am not in control, that I will probably never be in control again and it is okay, because God still holds me in the palm of His hand.. He protects me in His shoulders.... He careth for me... and that is really all that matters... I am still safe in God.... Thank you Father, that I am chosen and that I am loved... I love you greatly... more every day...