remember the nursery rhyme, little miss muffet sat on a tuffet eating her curds and whey, along came a spider and sat down beside her and frightened miss muffet away...
one of my spiritual gifts is discernment of spirit. what this means is, I can see the spirit within a person and not necessarily what they show someone. sometimes this is a great thing. it allows you to know when you need to leave someone alone because something is off in their spirit. it allows you to know when someone is deceitful. it allows you to know when someone is good..
yesterday I go to an afternoon service... and I always sit on the end and that way I only have to worry about strangers sitting on one side of me. so I get there early and get an end and this woman asks me to move down for her, she is trying to video the service so I say okay... (I was NOT feeling good about that at all...) then about 10 minutes later a man squishes in beside me. supposedly her husband. it took all the self restraint I possess to not get up and move to the other side of the church. last night I wasn't sure why I felt like that. I am always a little strange about being in an enclosed space with men, but this man made me feel like I was going to jump out my skin.. I do not sleep well last night. up 1/2 the night texting or emailing or whatever... so this morning I get up and I realize it was his spirit. it brought back all the fear of the past. I haven't been terrified like that in a very long time. I have even come to the place where I can talk a little bit about some of the things that happened to me. but that brought ALL of sueann back and she was ready to take off for some safe place (no idea where that might be....) but of course I don't have my CAR!!!! God is so crushing me...
so I wonder... do we ever get past the reactions of the things that happen to us in life? you know, like let's say you were homeless for a while, do you ever get over fear of losing a place to live. if you were without food, do you ever get over eating too much thinking you don't know when you might have to go hungry again. if you have been raped, do you ever have sex again without fear in the back of your mind. or in my case.... do you ever get over being afraid of a man, knowing he has the physical power to destroy your physical body?
I honestly believe I am healed and over what happened to me, but to ask me to risk going back into it is just unreasonable. people who tell you to face your fears, obviously have never been afraid of anything. there was a tv show (crimminal minds) one week that had a man who literally scared people to death. he found out what they were afraid of and forced them to face it and then recorded how long it took for them to die from it. how long will it take me to die of this fear, especially if God makes me be around a man? I thought me and God made a deal when I left my abuser. I thought we had made this bargain that I would never have to be around a man very often ever again. I thought that He would continue to be my husband. I thought we had decided all this again. that I would never have to give up ownership papers... what happened to the deal that me and God made about this??
1 comment:
Sounds as if you made more of an agreement in length and terms than God did. Most situations in our lives, we look apon with great complexity, but God looks at in commonality.We can sit down and plead our case and have some elaborate plan as a solution but to God the answer was done when we asked him to do it, with faith that He would do it.No clauses and interjections, because after He does what He does, it's the human error in us that allows us to hold on to the apron strings of the past. The insecurities that shouldn't exist because as easily as God took it from our lives, it should as quickly be freed.How many times over does He forgive and move on, and we have faith that He will, and when He does, we still hold on to the film of the struggle. It's not as easy to forgive ourselves or get over our own insecurities in life, but we've got to do it as quick as we leave our problems at His feet. No! It's not easy, but we have to try hard because our Father forgave us without stipulations.
Post a Comment