death and resurrection...

I think that I thought we have to die to self.. then we are born in God... better said die to the world... today I would say that death and resurrection comes repeatedly throughout our lifetime... I think we do it in stages.. much like everything else in this life.. God only gives us what we can handle at the time.. while we are thinking we can't handle what it is we are going through at the time... then when we have adjusted to that... He adds another death and resurrection....

I believe I died to the 'ways' of the world first... like.. I gave up the drinking and the going to the club and fornication/adultery... and I assure you... I thought that was going to kill me physically.... but it didn't... so then a while later.. there was another death... and I gave up what I wanted for my future and said I will do what God wants me to do... again.. I thought I would die physically... but I didn't... and so on... so this weekend.. I died to ministry/vision... and I am resurrecting in relationship.... idk how it happens that you get caught up in the 'work' of God and lose focus of God.. but it does...

God told me a few weeks ago that all other relationships will never become stronger than my relationship with Him.. now at the time.. I was thinking.. hmmm... that is good.. then I will not have to worry about putting anything before Him... WRONG... that isn't quite how it seems to work... I am finding out... nothing will ever survive if I try to make it stronger than my relationship with Him... example being... if I love the work I am doing at the church so much that it becomes my focus.. then the ministry will begin to fall apart.... and it will not be resurrected until it falls back in place behind God... this could even be the truth of loving the worship service.. and I do love the worship service.. I could be at church every night... but that cannot take the place of my time alone with God.. my dates with Him... I still need a date night with my Father... to spend time just Him and I... no one else.. nothing else... just quiet time being in love...

this has been the cycle of the Israelites throughout the bible... they often became involved with other things and then they were defeated... then they turn back to God and everything is restored and righted... this is obviously the cycle of my own life too... and yesterday while completely defeated.. I was thinking... would I ever go back to the club or drinking? and the answer is no... I no longer belong there... I had often thought that I would return to sex given the chance... I find that is not the truth either... the idea of someone being that close to me is now terrifying... and I no longer have the ability to shut off my heart.. or at least I am unwilling to do it... I guess the truth of it is.. I belong no where.. the only place I really belong is with Jesus....

you wonder how we get to this place over and over.. and how we don't realize it is happening... and yet we do.. and it does...
Father keep me at your feet.. keep me at the throne... and never let me go... I love you for real... in spite of how confused I get and how often I take you for granted.. you are my refuge and my light.. you are the only one I trust...