so I am back in Job.. (LOL.. feels like I have been there for 3-4 years)

as I read this morning I find that job felt much like I do.. he felt he has tried to serve God faithfully and he has no idea why he is being attacked or ignored by God...

if you remember.. God never responded to any of job's pleas through the whole book.. until the end... then what He said is.. who are you that you will question me... 

I think about this... I know that david often felt deserted by God too... 

job went through his trials.. lost his entire family... lost all his money and land... and then God restored it all double at the end.. all this because satan wanted to tempt him.. and God decided that job was strong enough to withstand it... 

now hear me when I say... I do not in any way feel I am righteous as job.. and clearly not as strong as job either.. but I think God is trying to show me that I am no different than many others... that I am not exempt from bouts of silence from Him... and that is doesn't mean that He is necessarily gone or even ignoring me... 

so while I have no understanding of the WHYS.. or even the how long.. I have no understanding of any of it.. yet I know that one day.. it will all be all right... and thankfully.. unlike job.. who was covered in boils and lost all his friends and family and finances.. I am not going through that too.. this silence from God is my testing.. I am thankful I am not going through all that job did.. or david did.. this is just a taste... and just a test... 

Psalms 35: 26May those who rejoice at my troubles be humiliated and disgraced. May those who triumph over me be covered with shame and dishonor. 27But give great joy to those who came to my defense. Let them continually say, “Great is the lord, who delights in blessing his servant with peace!” 28Then I will proclaim your justice, and I will praise you all day long.

so often we hear people saying... and actually even Jesus said it... bless those who curse you... but that is a hard thing to do sometimes... we see david was not so good at that.. he prayed fire and death down on his enemies... LOL! I think I tend to be a little more like david than like Jesus in this area... 

but I have found.. that while this is my natural inclination.. to want to see them pay for being mean to me or talking about me... I find that when I let go of my anger and upset towards them and instead try to see them as Jesus sees them.. then I get past it.. whatever it might be.. while I am holding on to that anger and hurt.. then I am not getting over it either... we have to be able to forget things.. 

many people say they will forgive but not forget... well I find if we don't forget about it.. then we really haven't forgiven... my father didn't want me.. for many years I was angry about him.. hated him even... and I tried to forgive him.. but it kept coming back up... until finally I decided to forget about it.. now this doesn't mean I don't know what he did to me.. but at this point in my forgiveness.. there are honestly very few details I could give about it... the same goes with the abuser.. I really don't remember in detail what happened.. I do remember that it happened... but not details or specifics until someone brings it up.. 

so I believe in order for us to truly forgive.. we also have to be willing to forget.. and finally let go and heal... too many people walk around broken because they cannot overcome their past.. and the past has long since forgotten all about you.... 

so let us not wait another day.. let us praise God THIS day.. and forget about whatever has been done to us.. and give it truly over to Him... 

so I was looking at instagram and twitter.. and women are always posting things about how a man lost a good woman and he will regret it forever... 

and I am thinking... did he really think you were that good of a woman? doesn't it seem.. that if you really are a great woman.. they will keep on trying to come back.. they may wait a while.. each time they may wait longer in between.. but they don't really just let it go and be with someone else if they are thinking you are the greatest thing ever... 

so really.. why is it that women can't seem to just say... this was not the right relationship for me.. and just let go.. not trying to imagine he is lost without her.. not thinking she is the best thing he ever had... and if you are so concerned that he is or is not thinking about you... you are not past it and you are giving WAY too much thought to something that is obviously in the past...

because truly.. any relationship that God is not in.. it cannot last.. so it isn't about you being a good woman.. or you being a donkey.. it is about whether or not God ordained it to begin with... 

get over yourself women.......

if it is of God.. it will happen.. if it is not.. nothing you can do will make it happen.. and you really don't want it anyways because it will be nothing but hurt and suffering... 

Psalms 34: 17  The Lord hears his people when they call to him for help. He rescues them from all their troubles. 18  The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed. 19  The righteous person faces many troubles, but the Lord comes to the rescue each time.

sometimes I think that what I read in scripture is not necessarily what was meant... 

what I mean by that is... the bible sometimes makes it sound like because/if we love God and serve Him above ourselves or man then life will be easy and sweet.. 

now not all scripture says that.. but some does... 

I do think God rescues us from our troubles.. but not necessarily in a way that we think is a rescue.. LOL!! 

in my own world He has surely rescued me from failure of finances.. but it wasn't by some mighty windfall of money to bail me out.. it was by me diligently tithing and paying what needs to be paid and leaving many items still in the store!! 

He has been close to me when I was broken hearted.. but my heart wasn't miraculously healed in one day.. it was a process that took a lot of time.. and better decisions.. and even then sometimes I have been hurt... 

but all these things have taught me to trust Him.. to not lean on my own thoughts or ideas.. to allow God to lead me and guide me on what He has chosen for me... 

and I admit this is not easy.. not even one day... because I am a control freak... and I am unsure of the path or the outcome.. this is a daily battle... often I am not sure I am doing the right thing or going the right way... daily I plead with God to give me understanding and assurance... 

but in all this unsurity... that is where I have learned I can trust God's plan above my own... and I believe this is the essence of true faith.. when we are unsure.. but still trusting in God above our own common sense... 

People often say things like never look back... leave the past in the past... 

I do agree with these statements to a degree.. we can't move forward while focused on the past... but I also feel that once you have changed and moved forward it is good to turn around and face where you used to be and truly recognize that is not where you want to be now... that you are happy where you are.. 

many times we idealize or glamourize the past... we think about the fun times or what we have missed out on... 

so this weekend.. I was able to look at my previous life and smile.. and say with confidence that while there are some people there that I loved and will always love to some degree... that is no longer where I want to be.. and surely not where I belong... 

and today.. I go back to the life of promise... to the place God has put me.. has kept me and will continue to do so... 
and for that I am very thankful... 

Psalms 17: 2Declare me innocent, for you see those who do right. 3You have tested my thoughts and examined my heart in the night. You have scrutinized me and found nothing wrong. I am determined not to sin in what I say. 4I have followed your commands, which keep me from following cruel and evil people. 5My steps have stayed on your path; I have not wavered from following you. 6I am praying to you because I know you will answer, O God. Bend down and listen as I pray. 7Show me your unfailing love in wonderful ways. By your mighty power you rescue those who seek refuge from their enemies.

I was reading this chapter this morning and thinking.. can you imagine being able to say that God has tested your thoughts and found nothing wrong.. that you have not sinned in what you say................

I have to say.. for me.. I can control my actions (most times) but my thoughts and the words that I say... that is where I fall the most... even when I don't say them out loud.. I think negative thoughts about others.. I question their motives.. I say things that either don't need to be said or that are hurtful or mean... 

none of this is my intention.. and surely I am better today than I was even a month ago... I realize I do better and better at these issues... but man.. david must have really been someone wonderful to be able to say that there wasn't sin even in his mind and his words.... 

I am so thankful that God looks beyond my issues and loves me in spite of them and still continues to bless me!!

John 11: 4But when Jesus heard about it he said, “Lazarus’s sickness will not end in death. No, it happened for the glory of God so that the Son of God will receive glory from this.” 5So although Jesus loved Martha, Mary, and Lazarus, 6he stayed where he was for the next two days. 

sometimes I wonder if God remembers I am still here... sometimes I think I am completely wrong in everything I ever thought He has said to me.. sometimes I am sure that I was never given a vision to begin with... sometimes I am unsure that God loves me as much as the word says He does, because surely He waits too long to come to see me or even just to talk to me...

while I do feel all these things.. there are time that our lives are just here to bring glory to the Son of God.. so He will wait to rescue us.. or even speak... to develop our faith in Him.. and to let us really begin to trust Him... I used to think that I trusted God.. but every time things got dark.. fear and doubts set in... well I have grown past that.. and now I know that no matter what it is that happens... I will be all right... I am sure of these things because God has proven Himself faithful in my life... 

even on the dark days.. God is my light.. and my salvation.. in whom shall I fear...