God is in control.. (?)

I wonder some days if I really believe that God is in control... I used to be sure of it.. and in most situations I still am pretty much giving full control to God... but there are a couple things that I struggle to keep my hands off of...

the bible tells us that everything and everyone are subject to the will of God... are you still a 'free will' believer? well... God hardened the heart of the Pharoah... he didn't have any free will... and... the bible says that it is God that controls the heart of a man... so if God controls it... how is that free will?

now do I think we are just some puppets on a string? not exactly... but I guess I believe God opens our hearts and our minds to His will... and then we choose it...

anyways... so if I really trust that God is in control... not people.. why do I get concerned? what do I have to be afraid of if God controls the heart of a man? what is there to fear?

like the scripture says... Father I believe.. help me with my unbelief... help me to just trust You and rest in You... in Jesus name I ask.. amen.amen.amen.

it's not mine...

as you know.. I have been having this horrendous spiritual battle going on... (thinking surely this is the last few steps of this fight...)(of course I have been thinking that a long time... and it keeps getting heavier instead of lighter...)so today... God reminds me.. that HE is my source... no other person.. not finances.. God alone is my source..

so with that being said... when I look to people to comfort me and help me walk this walk.. I am looking to the wrong one.. because I need to look instead to God.. and even if He chooses a person to encourage or give a word.. it didn't come from that person.. it STILL came from God...

so what I long for.. what I wait for.. I am not waiting on a person... a person cannot fulfill what I need... only God.. so when He walks me into position... it wasn't given to me by man.. it was given to me be God.. and the position does not belong to me.. it belongs to God.. if He chooses to give it or take it.. has nothing to do with circumstance or people.. it is all up to God...

when He walks me into the position He has prepared me for... my responsibility is to keep HIM foremost in my thoughts.. and to do the job that He has called me to do... the way He has called me to do it... and to be thankful for what He gives at all times... regardless of what or who He uses to give it... and to cherish it.. as it does not belong to me to begin with... it belongs to God...

is God real...

sometimes we are confused.. we are disillusioned... we are hurt by the very ones that should never hurt us... somehow hurt from someone who claims to walk with God is the worst hurt to endure... and it causes us to doubt God some days... I would never have thought this would have happened to me... and yet to a small degree it has..

I believed all my life that I hear from God... all my life the things that I hear happen.. most times anyways... I dream things and they are real... I see things and they are real... but what happens when we get unsure if we have ever heard from God? what do we do then?

last night I lay awake.. struggling with God... asking Him to show me He is real.. to show me that my mind didn't make up the things I believe He said... I felt like Jacob when he wrestled with God...

in the end... what I realize is this... I would never want to walk through the rest of my life thinking that my God is not real... and people don't have to answer to me for the things they do or do not do... just like I don't have to answer to people... we all have to answer to God for the things that we do.. and for our disobedience in not doing what we are supposed to do...

I will walk the path God placed me on... I will do what God has told me to do... I will show love to all mankind... I will continue to seek God and not man.. I know that God has been faithful to me in the past... I know that He will continue to be faithful to me... God is the lover of my soul... at all times... and in this I will rest...

vulnerable...

I find that the closer I get to God.. the less I really know who I am..

it seems that I have taken life and allowed it to create me into someone other than who God intended me to be... and now...when I desire to be the person God created... I struggle to be that person... God wants our complete dependence on Him.. and so He wants us to be completely open and vulnerable... and our flesh drives us to cover our vulnerability...

like when adam and eve sinned in the garden... immediately they realized they were naked and ran to cover themselves... but this is not what God intended... just as there was no need to cover ourselves in the first man and woman... God is our cover and there is no need to cover ourselves now...

yet I struggle to not run back and hide under some type of cover... mine tends to be hard heartedness and confidence in self... we all have our own cover... this is just the one I created... it is comfortable and warm and safe... or so we think...

how could what we create on our own be anywhere near what God has created for us? it is time for us to open ourselves up to vulnerability and allow God alone to be our cover... that is when we are trusting God and completely relying upon Him...

God is faithful... He is trustworthy... He is a cover for each one of us...

lesson from a man/child...

for my birthday... my son gives me... 15 'do it right nows'.. what this really means is.. he can't wait... he has to get up and do it right when I say so...

well... I am learning something about patience from this... probably something about mothering too... because... I don't want to use them all up and then need one... so it causes me to think about how much time to give him to do something...

like this morning I gave him a few tasks to do while I am at work and he wanted to know if this was a 'do it right now'... I say no, you have till I get home to do it...

I think too often I expect just because I am the mother that I expect them to do what I said right away... yet... do I do this myself? how often do I put something off... and think... just like them... as long as I do it... that should be good enough when I get to it... yet I expect something different of them...

I think when I have my new family... I will not expect right now all the time... I will be a little more gracious with the patience... and I am sure everyone involved will appreciate it...

I also think that I will learn myself to be a little more obedient to authority... and give some 'do it right nows' too...

faith vs. trust

faith-firm belief in something for which there is no proof.

trust-assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something.

hmmm... those definitions come from the webster dictionary... I find that I would say... BEFORE I looked up the definitions... that I have faith in God but I have issues with trust so tend to not trust... even God... but after I look up the definitions... trust is relying on the character of someone... and I know that I can rely on the character of God... I know that God has pulled me out of mess after mess after mess... and He hasn't put me in any so far... so how would trusting Him be an issue...

it's weird... if I were to lose my job... or lose my house.. or my car... I would easily TRUST God and know that He will work it all out for me... but you know where I have issues?? with people.. I don't seem to trust God over people...

you would think that it would be easier to trust than to have faith... trust would be believing in something already proven to be reliable... faith is complete darkness you are believing in something with NO proof... so why would it be easier to have faith in a God that you can't see than it is to trust One who has proven Himself?? that really doesn't make any sense...

real love... the hard kind...

God wants us to love people in spite of what they do to us and that is REALLY hard... it is easy to say that you love someone yet never have anything to do with them... I can easily love people that way... from a distance... but when you are up on someone and they aren't treating you right... is it God's will to ignore them or shut them off?

my son has a baby mama that I have been refusing to deal with... she is disrespectful.. she is selfish... she is rude... she is manipulating.. and yesterday.. for no apparent reason... she cusses at me through text.. and I tell her that she WILL NOT cuss at me and treat me with disrespect... and that I did not lay down and have this baby and I will not deal with the way she wants to treat people... and she cusses again... and I block her number... so she cannot bother me again...

what would Jesus do?
do I really believe that Jesus would refuse to deal with this person... just refuse any contact whatsoever... (no matter how bad I want to do this...) or am I to show the love of God... even to someone disrespecting me and treating me badly for no reason...

I would suggest we all look at someone that we really just don't want to deal with... (they test our religion or our christianity... who we really are deep down inside...) and I suggest we show them love of God in spite of what they say or how they act... because this really is what Jesus would do...

this really is the love of God for you and me and for ALL His people... and we are to be the love of God for the world... we are His Body... we are His Heart...