last night I am at church talking with 2 other women just about kids and regular things. a woman I don't know comes past and is feeling very confident and pretty.. then she looks at me and her fast is downcast.. and I say.. she thought she looked great until she saw me.. and another of the women said she had seen it too.. 

I have thought about this since it happened.. 

why do we compare our beauty to someone else's? why can't we just be beautiful without thinking about what someone else looks like?

we will never look like another person.. feeling badly about how we look is useless.. it doesn't mean you are not beautiful just because I look like me.. 

there will be people that are attracted to you over me.. don't allow my looks.. or anyone else's to make you feel like you are less than.. 

God created each of us intentionally.. we look like we look becaue He wanted us to look like this.. He created us in love.. each of us look unique and special and we should be confident in this.. 

I have alot of things I could be insecure about.. I am 54years old.. I do not get attention from men regardless of my looks... I have a belly I am trying daily to get rid of.. I have cellulite on the outside of my thighs... 

I choose to realize that God created me intentionally and be thankful for what He created... I have the use of all of my limbs.. my mind is sharp.. my heart is good.. my health is good... 

accept your beautiful and be confident in it... 

you are loved... 

sometimes there are things you just don't talk about... 

sometimes they are too hard.. too personal... too much in general.. 

someone told me this is still part of a testimony of all God has brought us through.. 

my ex husband was abusive.. in every form of the word... I am a very confident person.. I am secure about me.. I was raised this way... he took every piece of confidence I had and smashed it.. but it was worse than that.. with abuse sometimes there are parts of you that just can't handle that.. this is a man that was supposed to protect me.. here he is being what I needed protected from.. so this hard shell of me emerged... to protect the soft inner one... 

a doctor would call this a disassociative personality.. you are not split.. you are still one person.. but parts of you can't deal with certain things.. so a stronger part of you takes over and the soft one hides... you remember all of it.. just without any emotions.. 

this is really what I dealt with in my abuse... becoming completely emotionless.. which is safe.. but very sad... 

God brought me out.. He opened my emotions.. He wants me to trust people and love them again.. I haven't quite been able to let anyone close to me since letting go of the harder side.. but God is working on me with this area... 

Matthew 6: 19-21 “Don’t store up treasures here on earth, where moths eat them and rust destroys them, and where thieves break in and steal. Store your treasures in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and thieves do not break in and steal. Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be.

reading this today... I am thinking of the desires of my heart.. what is it that we are constantly striving for? what is the thing you want so desperately but don't have? 

isn't that what we tend to consider the desires of our hear? I would think so because our mind is focused on it much of the time whatever it might be.... and whatever it is.. it is likely something of this earth.. now it doesn't have to be a bad thing.. it can be something God is calling us to.. like his purpose for us.. but when that thing takes over our peace and our contentment in God.. then it stops being about him and has become about us.. 

what if you desire to be married or have children.. this is a good thing.. it is in the bible that it is not good for us to be alone and children are blessings from God.. but when that desire consumes you it becomes about this world I am thinking.. 

but if we could learn to live day by day.. trusting that what God leads us to is good for us.. then we are content and at peace and storing treasures in heaven rather than on this earth.. 

somehow.. all that we do or don't do needs to be about God's desires for us.. not our own desires.. but that is a hard thing to overcome.. the selfish and human nature of us... 

anxiety is the most amazing thing.. 

I am not a worrier.. or at least I never have been.. I am a ahhhh.. Jesus will work it out somehow .. type of person... 

yet now... the dumbest stuff stresses me out.. and it is stuff I know that I really don't care about and is not a big deal.. yet I am panicking about it... 

I hate anxiety... 

ok... so I am thinking alot this week... 

I am thinking about the role of a woman... 

I think much of her role is to show unconditional love.. look at all of us.. it seems God gives every woman someone to love unconditionally regardless of how they treat us.. 

this world keeps telling us about all we deserve and what we should put up with or not put up with.. is this anywhere in the bible as a way to act? do you see Jesus ever living with the mind of self preservation? I don't think so... 

we learn to love by being broken by love I believe.. we have a choice to become bitter in the breaking or become better in the learning and giving of ourselves. I choose to be better. 

the bible tells us that God does not look at the outward appearance of a person but looks at the heart... what does your heart look like really?

I have to be honest with myself and state that my heart is not looking too good right now and I am not sure God would choose me... I have been dealing with someone that is rude and disrespectful and I have come to not want anything to do with this person... more than that.. I see myself almost wishing harm on this person.. I don't think I would feel badly if something happened to them.. I can almost hear myself thinking that this was their just reward... 

well what if God gave me my just reward? would I still be alive to learn this lesson today? likely not... 

what is it that makes us think life should go great for us.. and some others too.. as long as they are not an issue to us.. but when they cause us havoc.. then we don't wish them well anymore.. well I think all of this is a natural response to being treated badly.. does that make it right? no... 

the true test of having the love of God for other people is to be able to pray blessings upon our enemies and wishing them well in spite of what they have done or how they are treating us... 

clearly I am still a work in progress.. thank you Lord for not giving up on me.. 

the bible says that women need to be loved and a man needs to be respected.. yet somehow we both sabotage our abilty to get that many times.. 

women sleep with men in the hopes that he will love her.. that he will love her and protect her for the rest of her life... 

men sleep with women in the hopes that he will never have to be attached to her.. so he treats her disrespectfully often times and then doesn't understand why she doesn't show him respect.. not only her.. but any woman that knows how he treats women in general... how do we respect a man that doesn't treat women with respect?

a man looks at a woman as easy because she sleeps with him looking for love.. so he doesn't respect her nor love her either one... 

for myself.. I have hurt men in the past because I was not allowing myself to get attached.. so I was just sleeping with them the way they sleep with women.. only I stayed with the same one... till they got retarded then I found someone else.. 

now.. I don't seem to be able to trust any man.. in any form.. 

I believe at the end of it all.. the only relationships that work out are the ones God put together.. so that is what it will need to be for me.. 

I was reading Genesis 3 last night and thinking... 

why did eve sin? what made her eat the fruit? 

I would say it was because she wanted to have something she felt she was missing out on.. 

if I think about this... when we sin.. it is because we are trying to get something more.. more attention.. more love.. more money.. more power.. more friends...

what makes us constantly want more? I have a happy life.. I have a great job.. I have family.. what more am I looking for?

to be honest with you it is sex.. or is it love on a personal level? I really am not sure.. I am not sure I can deal with someone in my private space all the time.. but I know I want to be intimate with someone.. but not only physically intimate.. I want someone to know me.. to be connected to me.. to love me all the time.. even when they don't like me so much... to not leave me... to not give up on me.. to value me enough to stay... 

and I know that God is all those things.. truly I am satisfied with God.. but I believe within us is the desire for communion with another person.. the bible says God created a woman because the man shouldn't be alone.. it wasn't good for him.. so I believe this is really God's plan for us... so why does it seem so elusive? 

this I don't have an answer for... I don't want sex.. I want love.. I want to give love and receive it back... sighs... 

and I am believing because this is God's will for mankind.. that He will put me in a relationship to have this.. in Jesus name.. 

Luke 1: 45 "You are blessed because you believed that the Lord would do what he said.”

I looked at this verse a few days ago and was saddened and encouraged both at the same time.. 

it is HARD.. to stand on a promise from God for YEARS.. when you can't see anything that looks like what He said... 

I am saddened that so many days I feel like I must have heard my own thoughts in my head and not God's voice.. even though this is nothing I would choose.. maybe I don't know my own thoughts is what I think sometimes.. 

I am encouraged.. because God never lets me completely give up or forget what He said to me.. what He said my purpose in this life is... I am so thankful that He doesn't give up on me.. even on the days I give up on what He said.. 

I read a devotional today about a woman thinking to connect with God and receive His promises it is not about what we do every day FOR God or thinking we are doing for Him.. it is about seeing Him in our every day lives.. and communicating and connecting with Him in that.. 

so many times we think it is the work that we do that connects us to God.. our service.. it isn't.. we serve because we love Him and want to give back to Him what He has given us.. 

I thank God for the purpose He has given me for my life.. even tho I feel like I am getting awfully old to make a difference now.. but more than that.. I thank Him for being here for me.. for loving me.. for being my everything... 

Laying in this bed thinking how truly happy I am. 

I remember being a teenager and feeling so alone. Thinking no one loves me. I remember being a wife and feeling so alone. Thinking no one loves me. 

Now I am alone but I don't feel alone. Gods love is everything. I have peace. I am truly happy in my life. Truly grateful for all he has given me. 

Psalms 144 1 Praise the Lord, who is my rock. He trains my hands for war and gives my fingers skill for battle.2 He is my loving ally and my fortress, my tower of safety, my rescuer. He is my shield, and I take refuge in him. He makes the nations submit to me.

 3 O Lord, what are human beings that you should notice them, mere mortals that you should think about them? 4 For they are like a breath of air; their days are like a passing shadow. 

5 Open the heavens, Lord, and come down. Touch the mountains so they billow smoke. 6 Hurl your lightning bolts and scatter your enemies! Shoot your arrows and confuse them! 7 Reach down from heaven and rescue me; rescue me from deep waters, from the power of my enemies. 8 Their mouths are full of lies; they swear to tell the truth, but they lie instead. 

9 I will sing a new song to you, O God! I will sing your praises with a ten-stringed harp. 10 For you grant victory to kings! You rescued your servant David from the fatal sword.

I read this psalm last night and the commentary said that biblical kings were warriors.. that a physical battle was a form of worship.. you were trusting God to defeat the enemy for you.. even though the king and the army were the ones fighting.. 

to relate this to ourselves.. we are daily in a spiritual battle.. do we worship God while we are in this battle? or do we whine and complain about how tired we are and we want it to be over? are we trusting God to fight with us and for us? or are we doing all of this in our own might and getting nowhere?

are we becoming closer to God while in battle? or are we becoming more distant?

turn your focus off the fight.. off whatever you feel is weighing down on you.. put that focus on God.. on how He has carried you through time after time.. begin right now to trust Him and know He will bring you out of this fight too.. and we will be victorious.. in Jesus name.. 

I am thinking about some things today... 

I wonder why so many women that are waiting on God are still alone.. doesn't the bible tell us that it isn't good for us to be alone? so I wonder why God would leave us alone so long sometimes.. and we don't want to go out and choose someone on our own because that is surely going to be a disaster... 

I wonder if in biblical times there were alot of unmarried women also.. we don't hear anything about that because in that time women were first of all property.. but also men didn't want daughters.. they wanted men.. male heirs.. well I'm sorry to let them know that in order to continue to have male heirs through generations you also have to have daughters for that to happen... 

women were put in arranged marriages at young ages.. what we would today feel is statutory rape.. and they stayed in these marriages all of their lives regardless of the situation.. do we walk away from marriage to easily today?

is one of the issues the fact that so many women believe they were called to ministry? so they are out here leading rather than submitting? 

is our lack of submission one of our real issues in why we can't be in relationships? we are always thinking of what we won't deal with.. what we aren't putting up with.. and we sit here alone and wonder why... 

now don't get me wrong.. I don't think we are to stay in an abusive relationship.. but we leave for everything today.. do we even know what we are supposed to be looking for in a man? are we actually looking for man traits in a man? or are we maybe expecting a man to act more like a woman? be emotional and supportive... 

are we our own worst enemy............... 

Jeremiah 29: 10 This is what the Lord says: “You will be in Babylon for seventy years. But then I will come and do for you all the good things I have promised, and I will bring you home again. 11 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. 12 In those days when you pray, I will listen. 13 If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. 14 I will be found by you,” says the Lord. “I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes. I will gather you out of the nations where I sent you and will bring you home again to your own land.”

I wrote a post about this a few years ago.. we always look at the good part of this scripture.. where God says he has a hope and a future for us.. and good plans.. but we overlook the fact that we have to be in the land of the enemy for 70 years... 

just now it occurs to me.. the bible also says that the span of a 'man's' life (or woman's) is 70 years... babylon signifies the enemy.. so possibly God is saying to us.. we will live in the earth 70 years.. in the land of the enemy.. with the enemy reigning.. and if we are faithful to God through this time he will restore us to him.. maybe he is talking about heaven.. talking about at the end of our lives we will no longer have to deal with the enemy and we will return to our own land.. his land.. which would be heaven... 

now I can tell you I don't like to hear that.. I want everything to be great here on earth... I want the enemy to be defeated here on earth.. while I am still in what we call the land of the living... 

also in the chapter he states: 8 This is what the Lord of Heaven’s Armies, the God of Israel, says: “Do not let your prophets and fortune-tellers who are with you in the land of Babylon trick you. Do not listen to their dreams, 9 because they are telling you lies in my name. I have not sent them,” says the Lord.

I don't agree with every man (or woman) that says he is from God.. I don't think everyone that said they are called was actually called.. but I do know that we are easily deceived.. I have found in my own lifetime I have been deceived on major issues at least twice.. idk what the answers to deception are.. 

in the bible in Genesis it states that eve was deceived but adam sinned knowingly.. I have never understood this part.. what I mean by this is that I too have sinned knowingly sometimes.. but idk what makes women become deceived and led wrong.. idk how we are to know what is from God and what is deception other than to wait it out and see what God does about it.. because if it was actually God.. then HE will bring it to pass.. nothing we do.. 

these are some of the questions I have when I make it into heaven.. if we are allowed to ask them.. 

Proverbs 10: 12 Hatred stirs up quarrels, but love makes up for all offenses.

recently someone offended me.. truthfully this person has offended me repeatedly for many years now and this particular offense just was the last one I was willing to deal with... 

this morning as I was praying and asking God to fill me with his love I feel him saying to me.. what good is it for me to fill you with my love if you are going to harden your heart against people? 

I think about this and he is right.. I have hardened my heart towards this person... 

I decide this morning that I will open my heart to love.. that I will be soft hearted and caring about all other people regardless of their actions.. 

I trust that God will be the one to show this person how prideful and unpleasant they are to others.. and I don't need to worry about this.. God will deal with all offenses in his time.. I just need to trust him.. 

I don't often write personal things on here anymore.. but today is an exception.. you see a few days ago my mother died... 

when I was very young my mother was the greatest person in the world to me.. truly I would not be who I am if not for her.. her relationship with God caused me to have a relationship with God.. and a very strong one... 

when I chose a man from another race.. she shut me out.. I could no longer come to family functions because it was too uncomfortable for the rest of the family.. because of the racial slur they put on me... she did not hold my family together when that happened.. instead she allowed the break... and slowly over years much of the family fell apart.. not just me... other family members no longer speak to one another over other issues.. 

we all have a choice in life about how we see things and what they do to us.. 

I choose to look at the wonderful woman my mother was while I was young and the great influence she was on me in my lifetime.. I sing songs to Isabella that she sang to me when I was just a baby... I sang them to my own kids.. these are all strong and positive memories.. 

I also choose to be someone who holds my family together rather than allowing it to fall apart if trouble arises... this is also something I learned from her.. but from a negative experience I choose to turn into a positive outcome... 

Rest With God Katheryn Fry.. I will always love you as the woman you were to me when I was young.. and I am very thankful for you making me the woman and the mother that I am because of you.. you were given to me by God intentionally for me to make my world a better place and I thank Him for giving you to me.. be at peace.. 

I read a devotional yesterday about people not finishing.. 

it suggested that often we start the race and intend to do all God called us to do.. but we get so tired.. this is not an easy task.. to remain in God's will.. to remain steadfast when you can't see.. to remain faithful when you hear nothing... see nothing.. feel nothing... 

if we read Job.. I wonder how on earth he stayed so focused on God despite God not speaking... despite friends telling him he had somehow brought this all on himself.. despite his wife being negative and miserable.. 

sometimes I fear I will not finish.. I fear I may not fulfill the call God has for me.. I may just give up and go back to living day to day doing nothing for the kingdom of God... not because I don't want to be all that He wants me to be.. really I do.. it is more about feeling like I just don't have what it takes to keep on keeping on... 

sighs... 

1 Thessalonians 5: 16-18 Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.

we are always looking for God's will for us.. here is a clear piece of it that we rarely even notice... 

God wants us to be joyful... how many people do we know walking through life completely miserable ? this is not God's will.. the scripture states God wants us to be joyful.. we can walk through difficult life's circumstances without being miserable.. it is a mindset... sure we will be sad occassionally.. but that does not have to be a way of life.. that is a decision we are making.. or not making.. 

God wants us to never stop praying... how often do we stop praying about something because we can't see any change? probably more often than we would like to admit.. I know myself sometimes I feel God doesn't even hear me.. so why bother to continue.. God wants us to stick it out.. continue to pray until the breakthrough comes in one direction or the other.. 

God wants us to be thankful in all situations.. this is the issue with the joyful.. if we are not thankful in spite of situations it makes it hard to be joyful... joy comes from within.. thankful comes from within.. both sides are a decision we make in how we look at our lives.. we can be thankful just to be alive and know God has better for us one day... we can be thankful to no longer be in a situation we were in before.. we can be thankful that our sin did not condemn us to death but God continued to love us and save us for eternity.... 

these are a piece of God's will for our lives...

proverbs 11: 12 It is foolish to belittle one’s neighbor; a sensible person keeps quiet. 13 A gossip goes around telling secrets,  but those who are trustworthy can keep a confidence.

at night I have an app that reads the bible to me.. this was read to me last night.. 

it got me thinking.. I have someone in my life right now that never talks down about anyone.. he is amazing to me... I have never known someone who didn't say bad things about anyone.. he is teaching me to do better in this area.. I am sure it is hard work for him... the bible says that it is sensible to keep quiet.. yet how often are we quiet? seems we often talk just to fill the silence.. for no good purpose.. I desire to truly down in my heart accept that it is good to just be quiet.. 

in the past I was a horrible gossip.. I had a circle of friends and I would talk to one after another telling them all the same stories.. ridiculous.. the men in my life hated this about me.. 

then over time I started having less girlfriends.. I find that now I am friendly with many people but keep confidence with very few.. and I am thankful for that change in my life.. I am now a trustworthy person.. this is very important to me now.. 

we don't really read the bible.. if we did we would be convicted every single time we open it.. proverbs is so down to earth.. totally talking about our day to day life and how we should and should not act.. yet we rarely even open God's word for anything other than us wanting Him to do something for us.. we are always looking for promises but not for conviction.. I thank God for conviction today to make me a better person.. 

Ephesians 5: 33 So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

I look at this and wonder why the husband is to love the wife and the wife to respect the husband... why wouldn't we both love one another?

yesterday I was talking to someone and I realized I respect them.. I think highly of them.. I think women too often don't respect men.. we love them.. but not respect them.. then we tend to mother them and baby them and don't allow them to be the leader they are called to be in the home.. 

we love a man but don't think highly of him.. don't honor him or treat him with respect.. I know in the past I have been so guilty of this.. 

because I was in an abusive relationship I tended to fear men without even realizing I was doing this.. that made me appear argumentative and aggressive... when you respect someone you are able to trust their judgement over what you think is right.. you can allow them to make a decision because you know their heart is right.. even when they make mistakes.. 

we need to learn what respect is and learn how to respect others.. this is surely a downfall in our world today... definitely has been a downfall in my own relationships.. 

1 John 3: 16 We know what real love is because Jesus gave up his life for us. So we also ought to give up our lives for our brothers and sisters.

I have been thinking about this for 2 days now.. 

in this day.. people are so self motivated... we are constantly protecting ourselves.. we don't feel the need to be anyone's help.. we don't feel we 'owe' anyone anything.. I saw someone who is a minister and considered a life coach yesterday state that not everyone that has a need is your assignment... I am wondering what biblical principle or scripture such a thought would be grounded in.. 

the bible I read says that Jesus was a servant to all.. that is what he wanted the disciples to be.. what he wants us to be.. the only time he said it was okay to walk away from someone is when they were not receptive to the word of God.. 

when are we going to be willing to die to self and walk our lives out completely for God? when are we going to stop worrying about what we feel and want and think and instead walk for the furthering of God's kingdom rather than our own?

now don't imagine I think this is easy.. I am very much in a battle with self and my own desires.. but because of my love for Christ I try to continue to do what I believe is his will over my own.. 

this is a daily battle.. a daily commitment to God.. not self.. 

I am concerned about those who are always trying to do what is easy and comfortable.. that does not sound like Jesus to me..