1 Corinthians 4: 10 Our dedication to Christ makes us look like fools, but you claim to be so wise in Christ! We are weak, but you are so powerful! You are honored, but we are ridiculed. 11 Even now we go hungry and thirsty, and we don’t have enough clothes to keep warm. We are often beaten and have no home. 12 We work wearily with our own hands to earn our living. We bless those who curse us. We are patient with those who abuse us. 13 We appeal gently when evil things are said about us. Yet we are treated like the world’s garbage, like everybody’s trash—right up to the present moment. 20 For the Kingdom of God is not just a lot of talk; it is living by God’s power.
I find... in my mind... I really expect things to be easier than they are... I can say with my mouth that I really don't expect that... but it is apparent that I do... otherwise I would not get so discouraged.. so tired... so defeated...
but where do we get that imagination that everything should be easy?
things were no easier when I was in the world... I still didn't manage my finances as I should... the difference to that was that I usually had a man giving me money to make the difference.. or paying the bills... (oh how I miss that...) but I was upset much of the time... people were full of drama and gossip.. including myself.. always starting some type of mess.. always talking about someone... always keeping something going... most of my friends were not real... with the exclusion of tina and deonna... I don't care what anyone says.. deonna was my ride or die for life... bear.. as much as I love her.. was as faithful as the wind blowing.. but she was alot of fun... and while I loved being in the bar... it was drama central.. LOL!! when I changed my life.. it took me a long while to adjust to not having constant drama going.. that is like a bad addiction....
of course now.. I don't go through the trials that paul did.. I am not homeless by God's provision.. I don't go hungry or thirst.. I have enough clothes to cover a multitude... but I would say I am a different type of weary... back then.. I was weary physically... this is more emotionally... I never gave emotionally before.. so I wasn't that type of weary... living God's way is emotionally draining... dying to self is emotionally draining... I used to be so confident in who I was and all I could do... now I have no confidence whatsoever in myself... but I am gaining confidence in God and who God says I am.. my value now is coming from who HE sees in me.. not what man sees in me... but that is hard.. insecurity is ugly... I haven't been insecure since I was a teenager... now it seems to be a way of life... someone recently told me that God had to break me or myself so that I could be built up in Him... well that is an ugly and painful process... giving of yourself is rough...
but I gotta tell you... the peace that I feel is so much greater than anything I ever had in the world... the joy that I am daily filled with... not necessarily happiness every day.. but joy and thankfulness... and I am happy in Jesus...
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