have you ever wished you weren't saved?

today I am somewhat thinking that way... this sacrifice of myself is more than I can take some days and today is one of them...

last night... I had to deal with some of the most selfish and inconsiderate people of my existance... and I upfront admit that I did not handle it in a Christlike manner... I screamed and yelled and told people they are rude and selfish... I yelled at some kids (which is really not unusual, but usually I am playing...)and that wasn't right either...

I don't want to do any of this anymore... I want to go back to the street... I want someone to show me physical love... I want someone to think I am center of the universe again... I want to be drunk... I want to be out in the club dancing and getting attention... I want to be who I used to be... I want to be comfortable... for just 10 minutes...

my spirit knows that I have come to far to turn back now... God has been too good... regardless of how sickening people become... God is the center of the universe and He is the one that I am ultimately supposed to be focused on...

so this day I will suck up all this hurt and disappointment and walk on in the path that God has set before me and know that God will deal with my enemies.. God will deal with anyone who tries to harm me even if it is just emotionally or spiritually... I don't answer to man... I answer to God...

Father forgive me for my mouth... forgive me for my attitude... forgive me for not portraying you in my life... I ask that you will fix all the mess that I have created and create in me a right spirit and clean hands because this day I have neither one of those things... change me into the person that you desire for me to be... love me in spite of me... in Jesus name I ask it.. amen...