Isaiah 50:4 The Sovereign Lord has given me his words of wisdom, so that I know how to comfort the weary. Morning by morning he wakens me and opens my understanding to his will.

​I admit.. some days this is my reality.. some days I wake up with understanding of what God desires from me.. of what His plans for me are.. but other days.. I got nothing.......... and that is really frustrating.. I think for the most part.. I am looking for God to reassure me every day that He has my life in His hands.. that I will be good because He is good to me.. but God doesn't work like that.. He wants me to just be satisfied to seek Him.. to just sit in silence before Him most days.. to just be comfortable with Him.. to just love Him.. no matter what.. that is what I am striving for right now in my life.. to just live every day.. just that day... not the weeks and months and years that haven't happened yet.. and also not re-living the good or bad that has already happened.. 

just today.. I am happy.. I am whole.. and in Jesus name.. I will be tomorrow too.. ​

Hebrews 6: 10 God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them.

sometimes I feel like God doesn't see me.. I am sure this is not just something I go through... I believe everyone feels forgotten on some days... sometimes the waiting is too long... sometimes we can't get out of a pit we feel we are in... sometimes God does not give us release to just walk away from something.. so we are stuck.. and we feel we are forgotten... 

on those days... look to the promises of God... He promises that just as He spoke once.. He will speak to you again.. He will not forget you... He will be faithful even if we have not... 

thank you Lord.. for your remembering me.. I love you more than words can say... 

breakthrough moment....

romans 8: 15So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, “Abba, Father.

so... I don't think about being 'fearful' or afraid of anything... BUT... I read devotional today that states fear is the thing the enemy uses to get us to give up... it is what tells us that things will never work out.. that we are not good enough for whatever we are supposed to do.. that we are not loveable.. we are not wanted.. all that mess... 

while we have a tendency to think we are doubting a promise or not worthy of a calling.. really this is the same scenerio as the garden of eden.. the enemy is whispering you are not good enough.. while God has already said you are.. now.. whose voice will be believe??

Proverbs 31:30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.

I recently read something suggesting we take one verse per day and meditate on it throughout the day... 

when I look at this I think... 

truly beauty does not last!! LOL! as we get older we realize that our looks don't hold the same weight they did when we were younger... people look at who you are more as you grow older rather than what you look like.. when you were young you could be a complete donkey and be beautiful and some idiot would still want you.. as you age.. that is really not the case.. people then begin to look at who you are.. 

charm is deceptive.. that is truth.. all of us have been sucked in by people both male and female who are charming and manipulative and deep within they were not who they portrayed they were on the outside.. so time tells who a person really is.. not what they say or even what they do in the short term of things.. it is who someone is over a long period of time that tells who they really are deep inside... 

a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.. truly I fear the Lord.. I think people who don't recognize that God could destroy them with a thought are so disillusioned about life... but I don't fear Him thinking He will kill me off in an instant.. but I do recognize that He could.. I guess it is better called reverence of His power and majesty... I think that is the way we should be looking at anyone with power... yet many times we are so prideful... that we justify that they put their pants on every morning same way we do.. we don't give honor to people in position very often anymore.. we are not respectful.. we are prideful.. 

idk if I will be greatly praised over my Love/Fear of God.. I am not looking for that in any form... I do want to be recognized as a woman who puts God first in her life.. that is far more respect and honor than I deserve anyways... and I will be thankful for that.. 

I was driving down the road yday having the bible read to me and I think how awesome and amazing God is... I am so thankful to have been chosen by Him.. to be grafted into His family... 

Proverbs 11: 3Honesty guides good people; dishonesty destroys treacherous people.

I like to think of myself as an honest person... someone very close to me calls me an exaggerator... LOL.. not that I don't tell the truth.. just that I tell the truth in an exceptionally dramatic way.... 

I think even the most honest people tend to lean stories in a particular direction.. it is very rare when we tell something that is important to us without any emotion or leading... would that make us dishonest? I don't think so... I think perception is reality for each person.. so that would mean that what we are saying.. even with drama included is our truth or reality.. now it may not remain that way for the long term... 

I used to think I loved someone... several times this has happened to me.. and truth was that I wanted my way... because as I couldn't get things the way I wanted them.. I walked away... I believe if you really love someone you continue to love them whether you are together or not.. so my thinking I loved someone may have been my reality for the moment.. but in the end the real truth showed I really did not... 

when I think of treacherous people my idea is probably different than many people.. I have known many crimminals that I would not call treacherous.. yet they may have been known to kill someone... for me.. someone who is treacherous is really someone who is not what they appear... a shapeshifter of sorts... these people appear one way while deep inside they are something completely different.. sometimes you can't see that until it is too late... and I will believe that their dishonesty will destroy them in the end... everything done in the dark somes to the light... 

I am thankful to walk in the light of honesty.. even if it is somewhat a dramatic honesty.. LOL! 

1 Samuel 2: 22 Now Eli was very old, but he was aware of what his sons were doing to the people of Israel. He knew, for instance, that his sons were seducing the young women who assisted at the entrance of the Tabernacle. 23 Eli said to them, “I have been hearing reports from all the people about the wicked things you are doing. Why do you keep sinning? 24 You must stop, my sons! The reports I hear among the Lord’s people are not good. 25 If someone sins against another person, God can mediate for the guilty party. But if someone sins against theLord, who can intercede?” But Eli’s sons wouldn’t listen to their father, for theLord was already planning to put them to death.

26 Meanwhile, the boy Samuel grew taller and grew in favor with the Lord and with the people.

​there are several things in this small piece of scripture that scream out to me... 

1. eli was a weak father.. but we cannot control our children.. what I do think he should have done was send them out of the temple... he didn't and it cost his life too... 

2. ​If someone sins against another person, God can mediate for the guilty party. But if someone sins against theLord, who can intercede?

​ I never really thought about sin as being either against a person or against God... makes you wonder.. how many times have I sinned directly against God.. and if I had not repented on my own.. I surely did not recognize that there was no one to intercede for me... on the positive side.. how great that in our sin the Lord is interceding on our behalf... 

3. eli's sons didn't listen to their father because the Lord was already planning to kill them.. and He was raising samuel up in their place... when we are disobedient to God He is already planning an alternate.. we sometimes get so full of ourselves and think we are necessary.. meanwhile.. God always has someone else being prepared that could replace us if God is not our first love.. if we are living for self and not Him... but He is patient and I guess He will wait too.. otherwise I would be long since dead... 

makes you wonder what makes God turn His face from someone and not from someone else.. we are all guilty of sin... ​

so I was reading judges 15-17 last night... about samson... growing up in sunday school/bible study they really didn't talk to you openly about him other than him defeating the philistines and the horrible woman that cut his hair and got him captured and ultimately killed.. but even in captivity God used him to kill more philistines... 

and I was thinking about this.. and our natural inclination is to say that he was totally out of God's will for his life by marrying pagan women.. by getting himself involved with this woman delilah who ultimately betrayed him and got him killed.. but I don't really think that is the case... I think he was in God's will.. I think God gave him the desire he had for the pagan women.. I think his ultimate purpose was to come against the philistines which he did throughout his life for various reasons.. some being personal reasons.. but still it was used by God to destroy the enemy of the israelites... 

I think so many times we look at things we are drawn to or things we consider falling.. but many times we are actually in the will of God because God used those situations to change us or others.. now this doesn't mean this is always the case.. I CLEARLY heard from God that I was not to be with my kids' father.. I knew every time I was doing the wrong thing because God made me feel it within my spirit... but other things.. like me being drawn to men of another race over my own race.. I think those things come from my purpose in the kingdom of God.. even though I lost most of my family... it lead me to what God has created me for.. what my own life is to have meaning doing... so previously I may have thought these things were mistakes.. and really.. they were just the natural desires God put in me to fit me to His purpose... 

I think this is true for all of the people who have a purpose in God's kingdom.. we should look to see what the reasons for things might be... our desires and inclinations may be leading us toward our purpose in God...