death and resurrection...

I think that I thought we have to die to self.. then we are born in God... better said die to the world... today I would say that death and resurrection comes repeatedly throughout our lifetime... I think we do it in stages.. much like everything else in this life.. God only gives us what we can handle at the time.. while we are thinking we can't handle what it is we are going through at the time... then when we have adjusted to that... He adds another death and resurrection....

I believe I died to the 'ways' of the world first... like.. I gave up the drinking and the going to the club and fornication/adultery... and I assure you... I thought that was going to kill me physically.... but it didn't... so then a while later.. there was another death... and I gave up what I wanted for my future and said I will do what God wants me to do... again.. I thought I would die physically... but I didn't... and so on... so this weekend.. I died to ministry/vision... and I am resurrecting in relationship.... idk how it happens that you get caught up in the 'work' of God and lose focus of God.. but it does...

God told me a few weeks ago that all other relationships will never become stronger than my relationship with Him.. now at the time.. I was thinking.. hmmm... that is good.. then I will not have to worry about putting anything before Him... WRONG... that isn't quite how it seems to work... I am finding out... nothing will ever survive if I try to make it stronger than my relationship with Him... example being... if I love the work I am doing at the church so much that it becomes my focus.. then the ministry will begin to fall apart.... and it will not be resurrected until it falls back in place behind God... this could even be the truth of loving the worship service.. and I do love the worship service.. I could be at church every night... but that cannot take the place of my time alone with God.. my dates with Him... I still need a date night with my Father... to spend time just Him and I... no one else.. nothing else... just quiet time being in love...

this has been the cycle of the Israelites throughout the bible... they often became involved with other things and then they were defeated... then they turn back to God and everything is restored and righted... this is obviously the cycle of my own life too... and yesterday while completely defeated.. I was thinking... would I ever go back to the club or drinking? and the answer is no... I no longer belong there... I had often thought that I would return to sex given the chance... I find that is not the truth either... the idea of someone being that close to me is now terrifying... and I no longer have the ability to shut off my heart.. or at least I am unwilling to do it... I guess the truth of it is.. I belong no where.. the only place I really belong is with Jesus....

you wonder how we get to this place over and over.. and how we don't realize it is happening... and yet we do.. and it does...
Father keep me at your feet.. keep me at the throne... and never let me go... I love you for real... in spite of how confused I get and how often I take you for granted.. you are my refuge and my light.. you are the only one I trust...

Matthew 1: ¹⁸ This is how Jesus the Messiah was born. His mother, Mary, was engaged to be married to Joseph. But before the marriage took place, while she was still a virgin, she became pregnant through the power of the Holy Spirit. ¹⁹ Joseph, her fiancé, was a good man and did not want to disgrace her publicly, so he decided to break the engagement quietly. ²⁰ As he considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream. “Joseph, son of David,” the angel said, “do not be afraid to take Mary as your wife. For the child within her was conceived by the Holy Spirit.


I was thinking this afternoon... about something... and God brings Mary to my mind... and how she must have felt... she becomes pregnant by God.. still a virgin... all this while she is already engaged to Joseph... who know he didn't sleep with her.. yet she says she is pregnant... and he is saying that he doesn't want to publically disgrace her and so decides to break the engagement quietly... "as he considered this..."

we don't know how long he considered this... we don't know all that went on in her life or her town during this time.. I can't imagine no one at all knew... I can't imagine everyone wasn't talking about her... I would think they were... but even if no one at all knew except her and Joseph... I was thinking about how she must have felt....

first of all.. these are arranged marriages.. so there is no proof that he even loved her... just that he was committed... to the arrangement... not necessarily to her personally... I am thinking she was very hurt about all this... she was probably thinking that she didn't necessarily want this particular man... yet she was willing to go forward in it... then God comes along and she becomes pregnant... again... none of this being anything she asked for... yet she was willing to go forward in it... then this man... that has been chosen for her... gets the idea that she is not all that he imagined or expected her to be... through no fault of her own... and here she is... while he is considering all this....

I am believing that she was feeling very betrayed by this man... sure.. his feelings were understandable... but weren't hers too?... how often do we really think about how hard this was for her in the time between Joseph finding out she is betrayed and the time that he is told by God that she was telling the truth all along... it is easy to see how mad he was.. how he felt she had been untrue to him... personally... I am feeling somewhat like he was untrue to her in his actions too... I don't mean about women or anything... but he didn't believe in her... he assumed she was something less than a great gift from God...

it hurts when someone believes us to be less than what we are... I have found this in my own life.. I did nothing wrong.. I tried to be exactly who God has called me to be.. yet someone determined to see me as less than what God said I am...

this week.. I learned that my purpose is not necessarily in how things play themselves out in my life... maybe it is not a vision being fulfilled... maybe my purpose is just to shine the love of God and the light of Jesus out through my day to day life... I cannot look for a vision to make me who I am supposed to be... I cannot let my future be determined by anyone other than God Himself... and I will continue to live for Him.. I will continue to do all that God has called me to do... and I pray His light will shine out from my life.. if that is possible...

I am defeated.. I have lost my vision... I have lost my future... but I have not lost my God... and in the end.. He is all that really matters...

you are good...

Romans 15: 14 14 I am fully convinced, my dear brothers and sisters, that you are full of goodness.

when was the last time that you heard that someone thought you are full of goodness? I can tell you truthfully.. people speak of my gifts regularly.. but I can't remember the last time someone told me I was full of goodness.. if ever.. if they did... I wonder if I did not receive it... meaning I didn't believe it about myself...

so to you.. as you are reading this.. I am convinced that you are full of goodness...

while we are not who we need to be all the time.... we are able to be full of goodness because of Christ within us... Jesus loved us enough to die for us.. we are already full of goodness... the more christlike we become.. the more full of goodness we will be..

today.. just as you are... wherever you are... I am convinced that you are full of goodness... and I love you...

living in harmony...

Romans 15:  We who are strong must be considerate of those who are sensitive about things like this. We must not just please ourselves. 2 We should help others do what is right and build them up in the Lord. 3 For even Christ didn’t live to please himself. As the Scriptures say, “The insults of those who insult you, O God, have fallen on me.” 4 Such things were written in the Scriptures long ago to teach us. And the Scriptures give us hope and encouragement as we wait patiently for God’s promises to be fulfilled.
5 May God, who gives this patience and encouragement, help you live in complete harmony with each other, as is fitting for followers of Christ Jesus. 6 Then all of you can join together with one voice, giving praise and glory to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. 7 Therefore, accept each other just as Christ has accepted you so that God will be given glory.

I'm not sure I am such a harmonious person... I tend to be one of those my way or the highway types... I tend to be jealous... and while God is working on cleaning me up from these things... I am not where I need to be... LOL...

Jesus didn't live to please himself.. He lived to please God... in pleasing God.. surely He had to please others oftentimes... that is a rough thing to do.. as we stand around wanting to scream.. WHAT ABOUT ME??...  we tend to be willing to do for others as long as we are receiving something back.. although we don't see it this way... we think we do things for others and because we are good to them.. they too should be good to us.. but what if they aren't? does this change the fact of how we are to be? I don't think so.. I think we are to do for others as best we can at all times.. and if they are favorable to us.. that is great.. if they are not.. we are just learning to be more Christlike...

all that we are.. all that we do.. should be done to bring glory to God through our lives... therefore, we are able to be in harmony with everyone... (even if we don't like them...) because it is all about God.. not about me.. or you...

I'm just talking today.. voicing some thoughts...

I get really annoyed when some of the people who are in leadership of churches... are teaching things that sound more like self help than the bible... I am really talking specifically how they talk about relationships... now don't get me wrong.. we all know that I have been abused in a marriage and would not wish that upon anyone.. I say get out of the situation... but...

not all things that are hard to go through or hard to deal with are of the devil either... God uses trying situations to change us and mold us and to tell these women to leave every relationship where she isn't getting her way isn't right either.... what about the time that God has us waiting and being prepared? if we listened to these relationship leaders.. they would tell us that if you aren't being treated like a queen.. then you need to leave.. what if this really is the relationship God ordained for you.. but both of you are still maturing into the man and woman that God has called you to be... they would have you leave and move on saying NEXT....

I am so not about that and I don't see it anywhere in the bible..... the bible tells us to endure... the bible tells us that an unsaved mate can be saved by your godly example... the bible tells us that men are the head of the house.. and women are to submit to that authority...

I was so selfish and so ungodly.. before God had me in this period of purity and consecration... and CHANGE... I have turned into such a different person... I am now able to see someone else's needs instead of always what makes me comfortable... I am now able to sacrifice my own desires sometimes to help fulfill someone else's... the bible tells us to be selfless and loving.. how can we be these things if we walk away from every relationship that God is using to change us.... I am  not suggesting the other person is right in not treating you like you are a queen.. what I am saying is.... a queen is often selfish and thoughtless of anyone else... relationship needs to be a two way street.. each person in their biblical role.. he needs to lead and she needs to submit.. and we all need to be willing to change rather than run every time something gets rough or uncomfortable.... many times we focus solely on what someone else is doing that we determine to be wrong... often we need to turn the focus on to what we are doing wrong instead... we cannot change someone else.. we can only change ourselves... and usually only with the help of God... I think it is more important to only get into a God directed relationship.. than it is to keep jumping from relationship to relationship... sometimes we just have to wait on God to bring the right person into our lives instead of just going with what we like... I am of the belief that we may not initially want what God chooses for us.. but He will turn our hearts to desire it and it will be what we need rather than what we thought we wanted...

and God may not say to you exactly what He says to me... so we ALL need to be seeking the word of God for ourselves!! allow God to speak to you and tell you what direction to take instead of listening to other people's opinions all the time.. take the focus off of ourself and onto God and we may see a wonderful change take place in ourselves and the relationship altogether.... (disclaimer... it may not happen for a long time.. so you will still need to rough it until the change comes... as long as that is God's will... and not your own... )

who do I think I am?

Romans 14: ¹⁰ So why do you condemn another believer? Why do you look down on another believer? Remember, we will all stand before the judgment seat of God. ¹¹ For the Scriptures say, “‘As surely as I live,’ says the Lord,‘every knee will bend to me, and every tongue will confess and give praise to God.’”¹² Yes, each of us will give a personal account to God. ¹³ So let’s stop condemning each other. Decide instead to live in such a way that you will not cause another believer to stumble and fall.

I think about how often we... all of us.. me... look at someone and determine what is right or wrong in their life... what they should be doing compared to what they are doing... we don't want anyone telling us what we should be doing but yet we are so quick to try and tell someone else what is right for them....

verse 4 says who are you to comdemn someone else's servant... meaning.. they are a servant of God... not of you... and we will ALL stand before God and give account for what we have or have not done... so why do we think we are big enough to condemn someone else...

yet we do it daily.... we condemn them for the way they dress.. the way they talk... the way they live... what they eat or don't eat... what they drink or don't drink.. what they smoke... we are so quick to see all that is unclean with someone else.. yet we cannot see anything within ourselves...

Lord teach me to be concerned with my own walk with you... to help others as best I can.. and to not try to determine what someone else should or should not be doing.. keep me in my own lane.. in Jesus name I ask. amen.amen.amen.

the use of trouble...

1 Chronicles 4: 9 There was a man named Jabez who was more honorable than any of his brothers. His mother named him Jabez because his birth had been so painful. 10 He was the one who prayed to the God of Israel, “Oh, that you would bless me and expand my territory! Please be with me in all that I do, and keep me from all trouble and pain!” And God granted him his request.

the prayer of Jabez... he was born in pain to his mother... but then he prayed and asked God to keep him from all trouble and pain... and God granted his request...

do you think you would ever really be serious in praying to never have trouble or pain... I may be ridiculous.. but that is not a prayer I would make... I find that it is the seasons of trouble that make realize how much I need God... they keep me humble...  the times of intense pain... when  I have nothing to do but cry out to God... that reminds me to completely surrender to Him... that His will is greater than mine could ever be...

I don't do well in pain... I don't like trouble... I would possibly consider asking for a painless life... LOL (that is just truth..) but not a trouble free life... I would also get bored without trouble.. I would probably be stupid enough to go looking for it... I think that has been the truth of me in the past.. when things are too easy... I am bored.. I go looking for something... and while I would like to say that it is something of God... I admit.. it usually is not.. so when God brings little bouts of trouble to me here and there... it keeps me in line.. keeps me searching for Him... keeps me desiring His will over my own...

I don't want to live a life with no trouble... again..  I would be happy with pain free.. but not trouble free... I don't want a life FULL of trouble.. but the pieces of trouble that God brings my way to keep me focused on Him.. I am very thankful for the days of trouble.. and thankful that trouble don't last always...