this is my offering...

you know there is a song that says God I stand in awe of You... and all I have to offer you is myself.. this life you gave to me... and this is my offering to you, dear Lord...

and I have sang that song and believed that I would give myself to God, as a living sacrifice.. and I do so, on a daily basis... but I learn daily that to be an offering to God is a much bigger sacrifice than I realized... it is a complete offering up of my "self".. God is accepting my offering and burning me up in the fire... and the things that I thought made me strong did not make me a strong person at all... to subject yourself to the will of God for your life as a living sacrifice, in obedience and submission to whatever He allows you to be subjected to is a much bigger sacrifice than most realize... I thank God that He waited this long... and allowed me to be myself for a long time, before he decided to destroy me in His purpose... but I know that all is to the glory of the kingdom of God.. and I am so thankful to have been chosen to be a part of His will...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mpRAOS_rv7w

a man at the door...

last night a man comes to my door and tells me that he has seen me walking (and apparently followed me home...) and has a message for me from God... the message was that God wants to see more of me... I tell this man he has the wrong person... he said no.. that he was told this when he seen me... I tell him thank you and have a blessed day and shut the door...

now I am not that naive.... yes, I am pretty naive, but not THAT much... this man liked what he saw and come up with this creative way to get close to me... borderline stalker... I didn't even walk last night, so this man had been building up his game/courage for a while... BUT... as I am not one to ever discount that a message could be from God... I took some inventory last night... has my focus come off of God and onto situation? possibly somewhat... there is some physical pain involved in the situation I am speaking of, and any time you bring me to pain... I am a wuss and definitely could be losing focus of the Subject and focusing on source of pain and how to get rid of it... is there something I should be doing to make it ease up.... also, I guess I should be thankful that he came up to me talking about God instead of some things that might have gotten my attention in the past... so either my walk is right, or satan is really up on his game... (both probably being truth...)

then I read the scripture this morning... "however I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord has given me-- the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace" (acts 20:24)
is my life a living testimony to the gospel of God? of the grace He has bestowed upon me? of the love and adoration that I feel for Him?
that is my desire.... I desire to be a walking, talking image of God and His mercy and grace and love for His people...
we all need to take inventory of our lives sometimes and decide if we are living for God or for self... are we keeping the right attitude in the struggle... are we bringing glory to the name of God, even while out walking... am I the image of the God I claim to serve, or am I the image of the world in which I have to live... what is the reflection that a stranger sees in me....

what are you hiding?

we are all hiding behind something... I hide behind the past.. the things that happened to me cause me to run any time anyone or any thing gets near to my true self.. any time someone might be able to see the real me, it's time to go... and I don't even have to go anywhere to leave someone... I just shut them out... while this is my greatest strength and greatest protection, it is also my greatest weakness... I made a promise to God this morning that I would not run... I will keep my heart open to the one I have shown vulnerablity... I might quit talking, but I will not shut my heart down... and the thing that you hide... probably won't scare me the way you think it will.... I have seen it all... trust me on that one... honesty is what is needed... I can deal with what you hide, you just have to be willing to let me know what it is... what is it you are hiding behind??? if I really love you... I will love you anyways...

giving up

today, I give back to God the vision that He put in my spirit... I can't do this...

now the average person would feel like I am saying that I am done believing... but that is not the case... I am just giving it up... done trying to figure it out.. done trying to work it out...

first off, this is surely not the first time that I have given it back... this is just going to be the last time I have to... I think you get to a place where you think if I am right God... then where is it??? why can't I see it??? why can't I see anything.... (and I do mean ANYTHING...) so today Father, I say to you, it is yours... if it be THY will, then so be it... and if it is not, then so be it... I have been so worried about the physical realm of this, that I couldn't see the spirit realm of it.. last night one of the wisest men I know makes the comment that we walk not by situation (what we see), but by revelation (faith)... and this morning I realize... this really is not even MY vision... this is God's vision... and if He wants it to happen, then it will.. and if He doesn't, then I don't want it... God knows, I have lived enough of life the way God did NOT want it to be... that I don't want to live even one day out of the will of God...

secondly, satan is using physical realm to confuse me... I see spirit realm.... (sometimes people think I am crazy because I clearly see spirit realm...) and I see things and know things that not everyone does... one day on the way to work... God says to me... as you have said, so shall it be done... and since about a month later, I speak something and sure enough it happens... (not to say I am never off, but it is pretty much a constant occurrance to the point that people close to me are asking me to be cautious about what I speak...) so sometimes... I can't tell if I can see things and feel things just because this is the gift, or is it about connection, like I originally thought... satan is a deceiver, but what parts are the deceit? when you can't see anything manifesting, how can you be sure what the deceit is.... how do I know that I have not been wrong all along and am now seeing? I can't know... all I can do is trust that God got me... that I don't have to worry about anything... I don't have to do anything... so Father, here is all You said to me... it is Yours... let Thy will be done on earth as it already is done in heaven.... I ask this in the anointed blood of Christ Jesus...

Father, let it be unto me as You have said.... I am your servant.....
I love You... I adore You... I bow down before You.... Son of God I magnify You....

p.s.
how about it is now 11:30 am... I posted this early this morning.. already more is being shown of the vision... I was limiting God... the vision is much bigger than I thought it was... the vision has always been about the house of God and the plans of God and the glory of God and the changing of man... and He has reaffirmed all of it... WOW.... He is so amazing...

where is the water??

today... I had a friend remind me that Noah was a drunk... and while he was... God tells him to build an ark... God gives him very specific instructions on what size it was supposed to be and what it was made out of and what would be put in it.... there had not been any rain in FOREVER.... Noah worked on his ark for 100 years... did you hear me?? 100 years of building an ark with no sign of rain whatsoever.... now many of the townspeople believed that Noah was drunk and heard some other spirit talking to him... and they didn't believe the rain was coming... and so they were not prepared... on top of that part, they weren't even told about the rain... so they made fun of him and thought he was a loon....

THEN... after the ark is ready... (is your ark ready??) then God moves the animals in... (not sure how that part relates.. but pretty sure it does...) and still... no sign of rain... God shuts up the ark... closes the door.. do we know how long Noah was inside the ark with all the animals without the rain? I don't know... it would have to be some bible scholar to tell us that one... (if you are out there, please comment...) THEN... the rain comes down... and everyone not believing and not prepared dies from the storm and the flooding...

I don't know about you... but I get tired of building this ark some days... I get tired of not seeing what I hear... I get tired of no one but me hearing from God and believing in unison... BUT... I have no intention of being out here, unprepared and drowning... so.... until the flood comes, I will continue to build this crazy ark and live up in it with all the animals... and one day, God really will bring the water down in torrents... will the people of God be prepared? will they accept the will of God that is not the will of man? or will they be destroyed? we all have our own ark to build, but my ark is no bigger or better than yours is... your ark is important in the kingdom of God... continue to build on the days that it does not look like rain.. because sure enough... the water will come one day....
listen....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xV09vhgYVVM

big enough

do you know why you were created? and if you do, do you think you are big enough for it? I have been saying for the past 2 years that I am not big enough for the crazy thing God has put in my spirit. I am too dysfunctional. I am too small. I am not holy enough. I do not have enough faith.

God sends me to 1Samuel 9:21. Saul answered, but am I not a Benjamite, from the smallest tribe of Israel, and is not my clan the least of all the clans of Benjamin? why do you say such a thing to me?

the study bible states that Saul's origins were among the humblest in all Israel. Benjamin was the youngest of all Jacob's sons, and the tribe had been greatly reduced in the time of the judges. his elevation to king shows that God "exalts" whomever He will. God uses the powerless to promote His kingdom on earth is a common feature in biblical testimony and underscores that God's kingdom is not of this world. verse 16 is where Samuel is told to anoint Saul. priests were anointed, but from this point on it is the king who is referred to as "the Lord's anointed". anointing signifies separation to the Lord for a particular task and divine equipping for the task.

so the next time that you feel that God's plan is too big for you... remember that God chooses the ones who are nothing in this world and exalts them in His world. God is equipping you for the task He has called you to. God's hand is upon you. you are separated unto the Lord. you will not be like everyone else. you will not always be liked. not everyone can handle your dreams and visions. God's will is going to come to pass whether people approve of it or not... God chose you special and specifically... KNOW that you ARE big enough... and you have been anointed with the blood of Jesus Christ by his sacrifice of his life...

exposed....

that is what is really wrong here...
I am wide open and exposed and I am not feeling safe... not feeling comfortable...

people here in the south will not understand what I am saying.. but people who knew me before... knew in reality the horror that I lived through... even though they really didn't know... they can at least partially see.... any person that has been through a death defying experience can understand that you never tell what really happened... and I told it all... like I got no sense... to a person.... yes, this person is trustworthy... but that part is irrelevant... I let someone in under the wire... under all the walls and protection.. and all I can think about now is how do I make this seem like I didn't really give anything personal? how can I make it seem like they are not inside my skin?? how can I get them back out and recover personal security....
how do you get to the place of being not ashamed to let someone see who you really are? the old me, the hard me, the man-brained me would decide... so what... you still don't know me... all I have to do is close down and shut you back out... you aren't in that deep.... you don't really know anything....
but I hear from a family member today that this is just another piece of me to surrender to God. that I will have to acknowledge that someone is inside and accept that maybe it will be okay.. and quit trying to push them back out... if it's not, it is in God's hands... not man's... I have given familiarity before, but this full exposure, this is intimacy, emotionally... and I am scared of it.... ultimately I have to acknowledge that I am not in control, that I will probably never be in control again and it is okay, because God still holds me in the palm of His hand.. He protects me in His shoulders.... He careth for me... and that is really all that matters... I am still safe in God.... Thank you Father, that I am chosen and that I am loved... I love you greatly... more every day...