John 13: 21 Now Jesus was deeply troubled, and he exclaimed, “I tell you the truth, one of you will betray me!” 22 The disciples looked at each other, wondering whom he could mean.23 The disciple Jesus loved was sitting next to Jesus at the table. 24 Simon Peter motioned to him to ask, “Who’s he talking about?” 25 So that disciple leaned over to Jesus and asked, “Lord, who is it?” 26 Jesus responded, “It is the one to whom I give the bread I dip in the bowl.” And when he had dipped it, he gave it to Judas, son of Simon Iscariot. 

27 When Judas had eaten the bread, Satan entered into him. Then Jesus told him, “Hurry and do what you’re going to do.” 28 None of the others at the table knew what Jesus meant. 29 Since Judas was their treasurer, some thought Jesus was telling him to go and pay for the food or to give some money to the poor. 30 So Judas left at once, going out into the night.

when I just read this.. I was thinking.. I wonder if they were whispering among each other.. Jesus and Peter and John.. LOL! that struck me as funny.... 

isn't it horrific.. that we would need to ask Him if we would be the one that will betray Him.. sadly.. we betray God all the time.. not intentionally I don't think but we are so focused on ourselves.. on our own happiness.. that we betray Him and what He actually wants from us for what we want for ourselves.. 

help me focus on You Lord and be pleasing to you at all times.. not only with my actions.. but with my thoughts.. amen..

John 12: 37 But despite all the miraculous signs Jesus had done, most of the people still did not believe in him. 38 This is exactly what Isaiah the prophet had predicted: “Lord, who has believed our message? To whom has the Lord revealed his powerful arm?” 39 But the people couldn’t believe, for as Isaiah also said, 40 “The Lord has blinded their eyes and hardened their hearts—so that their eyes cannot see, and their hearts cannot understand, and they cannot turn to me and have me heal them.”

41 Isaiah was referring to Jesus when he said this, because he saw the future and spoke of the Messiah’s glory. 42 Many people did believe in him, however, including some of the Jewish leaders. But they wouldn’t admit it for fear that the Pharisees would expel them from the synagogue. 43 For they loved human praise more than the praise of God.

​I have to admit... sometimes I battle to believe.. not who Jesus is.. not that God exists.. I doubt promises.. they take too long in coming.. I doubt the plans God has to always be for my good.. I doubt some days that God even sees me or hears my prayers... 

seems like when I was of the world God was right beside me.. even when he didn't like where I was going.. I heard him so clearly.. felt when I was wrong.. now I live more like God would want and I hear nothing.. I see nothing.. I stand here battling if God even knows me now... 

is it because I don't 'need' him now like I did when I was constantly putting myself in one crisis after another? well trust me when I tell you.. I still need him every single day.. every minute... to steer me in the right direction.. away from what looks good to me.. 

has God hardened my heart? idk.. I pray not.. 

do I love the praise of people too much.. I am sure that is the truth... I struggle with that regularly... I read recently we are to take all the good things people say about us 

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​and accept them like a flower and then in our prayers give all the flowers to God in thanks for all he has enabled us to do and be.. I thought that was an awesome way of looking at praise and not becoming too prideful.. 

lead me Father.. every day.. even when I don't know you are still there.. ​

1 corinthians 13: 4-5 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.

I look at these verses sometimes.. and some days I think I can attain that goal.. and other days.. not so much... I am a jealous person.. I don't like people to touch what is mine.. I don't like people to touch even what I want to be mine... 

I remember in the past I would think well I am a great person so if they mess around and lose me it would be their loss... but that is a stupid mentality... truly.. when someone is hurt by someone else.. usually everyone involved is hurt.. 

what is it that makes me jealous? I would guess it is the truth of insecurity.. in my own case usually insecurity hidden by the look of confidence... 

why do I demand my own way?.. well idk.. I think this one could be selfishness.. and imagining I am always right... 

I definitely can be irritable.. usually leading back to not getting my own way.. 

and I would love to be able to say that I keep no record of being wronged.. but that would be a lie... 

how do you really keep no record of being wronged? I mean even if you forgive someone.. don't you still fear that hurt will come back around again? how do we get rid of that?

I think the only way that we can ever really love someone is through Christ.. His love is pure and real.. even when mine is not.. Father continue to change me into someone who loves others as You do.. unconditionally.. forgetting all wrongs.. trusting.. and allowing others to be themselves and me being happy about it... 

matthew: 5: 43-45 “You have heard the law that says, ‘Love your neighbor’ and hate your enemy. But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you! In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven. For he gives his sunlight to both the evil and the good, and he sends rain on the just and the unjust alike.

when was the last time you prayed for someone that treats you badly... 

I admit it is easier to love someone who loves you back.. it is very hard to be kind to someone who treats you badly.. lies about you.. 

we have a woman at church who truly just hates me.. she is an old woman.. many people don't like her.. she is rude and hateful.. and she talks badly about me.. and I strive to speak and say hello to her with a smile every time I see her.. just because I am thinking there is something wrong that makes her so terrible.. 

now we have another old woman.. she used to be very close to me.. invited me to her house for dinner on holidays.. all in one day she decided she didn't like her husband to hug me.. (insert serious look of confusion) now we are talking about an old man.. easily 75 or more.. do you really think I am looking at your man?? come on now.. clearly you have been infiltrated by the enemy in your mind if that is your thought... anyways.. now she treats me badly.. and I find it very hard to pray for her.. to be nice to her.. even to speak to her.. because she turned on me all at once over nothing.. and it hurt my feelings.. I am nothing if I am not loyal.. sheesh.. even if your man was young I wouldn't look at him.. 

why is it we can pray for someone who is all out hateful.. but not someone who has turned on us or hurt us.... 

change me Lord.. help me to see people through your eyes.. and pray for them with your heart.. love them with your heart.. amen.. 

exodus 20 : 18-21 18 When the people heard the thunder and the loud blast of the ram’s horn, and when they saw the flashes of lightning and the smoke billowing from the mountain, they stood at a distance, trembling with fear. 19 And they said to Moses, “You speak to us, and we will listen. But don’t let God speak directly to us, or we will die!” 20 “Don’t be afraid,” Moses answered them, “for God has come in this way to test you, and so that your fear of him will keep you from sinning!” 21 As the people stood in the distance, Moses approached the dark cloud where God was.

some days you have a moment with God when you see just how great He is.. just how powerful.. just how scary... LOL and usually when that happens your life changes.. 

but sadly for us as humans.. we remember things from the past.. things that felt good.. smelled good.. looked good.. and then we forget just how scary and powerful and amazing God was.. 

I think that is probably how we fall into sin... sadly.. 

wouldn't it be amazing if we could daily remember the greatness of God.. so much so that we continue to do right for all of our lives.. 

the bible makes us to believe that God wants to give us all good things.. just not always in our time.. and I have to say that sometimes that is hard to live through.. sometimes I just want to have what I want to have and I think God needs to work with me sometimes.. 

Dear Jesus: please help me remember who you are so I can remember why I follow you and stay away from sinful things that are not for me for right now.. amen.. 

exodus 13: 11 “This is what you must do when the Lord fulfills the promise he swore to you and to your ancestors. When he gives you the land where the Canaanites now live, 12 you must present all firstborn sons and firstborn male animals to theLord, for they belong to him. 13 A firstborn donkey may be bought back from the Lord by presenting a lamb or young goat in its place. But if you do not buy it back, you must break its neck. However, you must buy back every firstborn son.

14 “And in the future, your children will ask you, ‘What does all this mean?’ Then you will tell them, ‘With the power of his mighty hand, the Lord brought us out of Egypt, the place of our slavery. 15 Pharaoh stubbornly refused to let us go, so the Lord killed all the firstborn males throughout the land of Egypt, both people and animals. That is why I now sacrifice all the firstborn males to the Lord—except that the firstborn sons are always bought back.’ 16 This ceremony will be like a mark branded on your hand or your forehead. It is a reminder that the power of the Lord’s mighty hand brought us out of Egypt.”

​I read this and wonder.. how do you buy back a son from God??

I wonder what God really meant when he said that...... ​

so I look it up.. and apparently when God called the levites His.. He stopped saying that all firstborn males are His... I don't remember ever seeing that.. I wonder if that would also be now.. like the first born male of a preacher would belong to God... that is some kind of interesting.. (numbers 3: 11-12)

I think God chooses who He chooses.. but I would also think that in some form He is still going with the original laws He made.. meaning that the law of the firstborn still exists.. just not the same way we would see it in our mind.. 

today I am reading a devotional and the translation they used for Hebrews 5: 14 says 'They were not ready for a solid diet of self sacrifice'. 

I have to say.... some days.. many days I feel I am in that place!!! 

I DO NOT want to live a life of self sacrifice.. somehow I want to be in God's will for my life.. but I want it to be attractive and fun and desireable.. not this struggle to keep walking in the way I believe God wants me to... 

I mean why is it that some people can get away with doing certain things and it is as if God is all right with it because He hasn't called them away from it... it is frustrating.. I don't want to keep going on this believing trail.. I don't want to go without things I desire because they aren't what is right for me.. so when will what is right for me ever show up?? surely I am not getting any younger... 

Father give me the willingness to live the life you have called me to.. to sacrifice the things of the world to live in peace with the Spirit..