John 12: 37 But despite all the miraculous signs Jesus had done, most of the people still did not believe in him. 38 This is exactly what Isaiah the prophet had predicted: “Lord, who has believed our message? To whom has the Lord revealed his powerful arm?” 39 But the people couldn’t believe, for as Isaiah also said, 40 “The Lord has blinded their eyes and hardened their hearts—so that their eyes cannot see, and their hearts cannot understand, and they cannot turn to me and have me heal them.”

41 Isaiah was referring to Jesus when he said this, because he saw the future and spoke of the Messiah’s glory. 42 Many people did believe in him, however, including some of the Jewish leaders. But they wouldn’t admit it for fear that the Pharisees would expel them from the synagogue. 43 For they loved human praise more than the praise of God.

​I have to admit... sometimes I battle to believe.. not who Jesus is.. not that God exists.. I doubt promises.. they take too long in coming.. I doubt the plans God has to always be for my good.. I doubt some days that God even sees me or hears my prayers... 

seems like when I was of the world God was right beside me.. even when he didn't like where I was going.. I heard him so clearly.. felt when I was wrong.. now I live more like God would want and I hear nothing.. I see nothing.. I stand here battling if God even knows me now... 

is it because I don't 'need' him now like I did when I was constantly putting myself in one crisis after another? well trust me when I tell you.. I still need him every single day.. every minute... to steer me in the right direction.. away from what looks good to me.. 

has God hardened my heart? idk.. I pray not.. 

do I love the praise of people too much.. I am sure that is the truth... I struggle with that regularly... I read recently we are to take all the good things people say about us 

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​and accept them like a flower and then in our prayers give all the flowers to God in thanks for all he has enabled us to do and be.. I thought that was an awesome way of looking at praise and not becoming too prideful.. 

lead me Father.. every day.. even when I don't know you are still there.. ​