loneliness...

so I wake up this morning with that terrible heavy loneliness over me... and I begin to talk to God about it... and he reveals some things to me about me...

when I was young... I was hideously selfish and rude and mean even... and lonely... lonely to the high heavens... I would push people away because of my fear of being hurt... but my pushing people away caused me to be oh so lonely... so as females are taught... I thought that a man would take it away... but he didn't... and that is when I learned that being in a crowded place can make you even lonelier than being alone... I didn't really lose the loneliness over the years... I think I got used to it... and I preferred that to the possiblity of allowing someone close to me because then they could hurt me... and I would rather die alone than be hurt again... you know when I stopped being lonely... is when I lost my job way back in 2007... and that is when God really came to me and gave me vision and purpose... and He talked to me and sat with me.... that is when I truly stopped being lonely... I gave up my will and my thoughts and came to accept what God wanted from me instead of what I wanted from Him... and that took the loneliness away...

there are days now that I feel lonely... and I usually find those to be the days when I want what I want when I want it... and as I give all of it back to God... then it goes away again...

the Holiness of God...

this morning.. God says to me... I am Holy..

I think... hmmmmm.... why did He say that to me... what am I doing that is not recognizing the holiness of God...

Sometimes.. we get so focused on vision or on purpose that we forget about the awesomeness of God... and I think sometimes that happens to me...

I used to just wake up and be so happy that God loves me... nothing else... just that He loves me... because truly... that is an amazing and awesome thing...

so I sit here and remember the "spirit of praise" that I used to walk in... when God was the only thing I focused on... the only thing I really thought about...

I realize that God... the creator of all life... God the creator of everything... loves me... individually... He created me... He thinks about me and smiles... that is about the most awesome thing ever... and on top of that... He was willing to allow His Son to die... for me to have life... and the spirit of praise of God fills me up again... I am so thankful that God loves me... that He knows my name... that He chose me...

Father... please never let me take my eyes off of You... help me to constantly be an image of Your love to Your people... I love You so... You are my whole heart and soul... You are my everything... my waking and my sleeping thought... I love You more than life... more than anyone... anything... and I praise You... that You are so awesome... and You still look at me... THANK YOU!!!!

night vision...

I have astigmatism in my eye... it causes me odd issues... I can't see well in the rain... I can't judge depth... which is scary for anyone riding with me because it seems like I might hit stuff... but I seem to miss it by a hair all the time (God's grace... I'm sure..)

and I can't see well at night...

I have this same issue in my spirit being too... we all go through periods of darkness where there seems to be no Light given to a situation... and we are to keep on moving forward in the dark... just like when I drive in the night... because I can't see... I slow down... and in truth.. I avoid driving at night... some days my spirit man would like to stop driving at night too... I would like to just stay in the house where it is comfortable and safe and well lit... but for some reason... God always seems to push me into an uncomfortable place.. and wants me to be content..

I look at Sarah... and I wonder... if she ever "truly" lost hope in this promised child... you know they waited like 25 years total... and she talks Abraham into sleeping with her servant (I won't ever get that one... I can't imagine EVER... under ANY circumstances... talking my man into sleeping with another woman... NEVER EVER EVER... if a child needed to use another woman's body to be born... I don't need the child all like that...) and the bible tells us that finally... when the real time came... Sarah stood in the kitchen laughing at the men telling her husband that in her old age she will now... at almost 100 years old... have this child... so my bet is that she had given up on it... and then... after she has given up... she gets pregnant and is overjoyed...

I think part of the thing is that we try everything we can think of to make what God has said happen... but then... would that be God... or would that be us... so He seems to wait until we are finally thinking... I must have heard wrong... I must be crazy... I must have voices in my head...

then He makes it happen... which tells us... we can't do anything to make the will of God come to pass... He has to do it... that is why it is His will... not ours... how crazy... I didn't want the thing in the first place... then end up wishing it would just happen... the waiting on the Lord thing is enough to kill a person... especially when you don't have night vision...

in spite of....

God is calling each of us to love one another... not with our own hearts... but instead with the heart of God... we cannot in our human frailty love someone in spite of what they have done to us... but through the heart of God we can...

we often get spiritual amnesia and we forget that God still loves us when we are unloveable... we forget sometimes the mean or spiteful things we have done or are still doing... and yet we want God to love us regardless of what we do... but are we willing to do this for someone else?

I don't think that "love in spite of" means forgetting what they have done or imagining that they didn't have ulterior motives... although I think that would be our first thought of how this type of love would be accomplished...

if we look at Jesus... He KNEW what Judas would do when He chose him... yet He chose him anyways... I think sometimes we are too hard on Judas... did Judas really have a choice? it seems to me that he fulfilled the purpose for his life... even though it was a bad purpose... but throughout the three years that they were all together... no one else suspected that Judas was any different than the rest of them... so that tells me that Jesus treated all of them exactly the same... He loved them all... He still saw who Judas was... yet acted toward him in love...

I think this is what is required of each one of us... that we love one another in spite of the things that we know about them.. that we remember that none of us are perfect and while we may not like something in someone... we too have our flaws... and God loves us ALL THE TIME... that is our calling... to love one another all the time...

manipulation, seduction and deceit...

one of the curses of a woman is manipulation... we see it as a gift... it aids us in getting our way... the better you are at it... the more you get your way... but it turns out to be a stumbling block in the kingdom of God...

Jezebel's main sins were manipulation and seduction... now we all know what a horrid woman she was... we pray in the name of Jesus that we never have a spirit like hers... yet we all do... we all use these things to get people to do what we want... I think we are taught this as a very young girl and it just gets bigger and bigger...

so I think that I have given my will up to God... in all honesty... I want God's will.. not mine.. but I find that I get tired of waiting on God sometimes and I use these two tools to try to move things along... I am learning though that all they do is set you backwards...

when God tells you something is wrong for you... do not allow yourself to be confused by what someone else believes... trust what God said to you and stay away from it... sometimes we allow someone who is larger in christ than what we think we are... to tell us that something is not sin or that it isn't QUITE the way we heard it from God and we get led into sin... sin is sin is sin... we need to repent... which means to acknowledge to God that we have sinned and we are sorry and will do our best to stay away from the sin in the future... (praying fervently for His strength within us...) and then to stay away from the sin... turning from it... and that we will do our best to TRUST what God has said to us individually regardless of what someone else thinks about it...

this is the art of the enemy's deceit... see he knows the bible just like we do... better than some of us... and he will twist things that are not part of the big 10 and confuse us to think maybe it isn't wrong because of this or because of that... then we fall prey to it and later on God reminds us what He said from the very beginning... I think we are too hard on Eve... thinking that she messed up life for us till the end of time... yet we tend to make the same mistake she did... just in a different form...

Father in the name of Jesus... your Son.. the Risen Savior... I ask for the gift of wisdom... to be able to see situations from the eye of the mind of God... so that I will not be deceived... manipulated or confused... allow me to not use seduction and the ways of the world to try to obtain what is mine in the kingdom of God... remind me continually that You will bring Your will to pass with no conniving from me... amen.amen.amen.

death...

we seem to be as a people so afraid of death.. so hurt by it... I don't understand this.. when I was just a little girl... maybe 5 or 6 I remember asking Jesus couldn't I die so I could be with Him instead of here with the people I lived with.. but He didn't grant my request... I have never had fear of death...

I think death within us is a much greater thing to be afraid of yet we are rarely afraid of it... what about the death of your dreams... what about the death of your relationship with God... what about spiritual death...

I told someone this morning that in the past... I was afraid to walk into God's will for my life... now I am afraid to walk away from it... I have lived life where I brought death unto my own spirit... and if I walk away from God's plan... then I am walking into death of my own making... so I walk forward... and while I am afraid of His plan too... I know that I may die of a broken heart... but I will not die of a rebellious spirit as I would have in the past...

true love of God is manifested in obedience to His word... His will... His way...

true beauty

1 Peter 1Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 3Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. 4Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.

it is amazing to me the things that God will use to convict me to change... about 2 weeks ago a female came into the church with her dress about 2 inches from her 'hoo ha' and I was REALLY IRRITATED... I was irritated because I knew her intention... not so much about her dress...

this is not meant to condemn anyone... trust and believe... not so long ago I wore dresses just as short but as God is changing me... He has changed what I feel comfortable in... and if you are in relationship... He will do the same for you... no one needs to make you feel out of place or wrong just because they are not in the same place as you...

so yesterday... I am at church... and one of the ministers (a woman) had a cloth across her legs and it convicted me.. that I also have no business showing my knees either... while standing up the dress hits my knee but when I sit it rises... it seems I am so quick to see fault in someone else and then it turns out to be a fault I have too...

I went to the car and got a wrap from the car (wrinkled as could be) and put it across my own legs... I have determined to be submissive to the will of God and keep something across my knees also...

there was a time that I thought my beauty was in my appearance... I have found as my physical appearance is not as wonderful as it used to be... that the beauty that comes from within... comes from the Spirit... and it is ageless and timeless... that is what I need to be striving for...