so I wake up this morning with that terrible heavy loneliness over me... and I begin to talk to God about it... and he reveals some things to me about me...
when I was young... I was hideously selfish and rude and mean even... and lonely... lonely to the high heavens... I would push people away because of my fear of being hurt... but my pushing people away caused me to be oh so lonely... so as females are taught... I thought that a man would take it away... but he didn't... and that is when I learned that being in a crowded place can make you even lonelier than being alone... I didn't really lose the loneliness over the years... I think I got used to it... and I preferred that to the possiblity of allowing someone close to me because then they could hurt me... and I would rather die alone than be hurt again... you know when I stopped being lonely... is when I lost my job way back in 2007... and that is when God really came to me and gave me vision and purpose... and He talked to me and sat with me.... that is when I truly stopped being lonely... I gave up my will and my thoughts and came to accept what God wanted from me instead of what I wanted from Him... and that took the loneliness away...
there are days now that I feel lonely... and I usually find those to be the days when I want what I want when I want it... and as I give all of it back to God... then it goes away again...
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