who am I?

you know how they always say that people need to 'find themselves' as they are growing up? I was pretty sure that I had not been lost... life experiences change the person we were when we were young... we are born innocent (yet sinful)and as life attacks us, we change to fit the situation or to protect ourselves...

when I was very young I was selfish and somewhat mean... because everything was handed to me.. and I was never reprimanded for my attitude or actions...

I married someone who cared none about my feelings and in the end it turned out he didn't too much care if I lived or died as he repeatedly tried to kill me inside and out.. I changed into someone with little words.. little personality... trying to fade into the woodwork and not be noticed..

when I left him... I became a different person I used some of the original personality... which was mean and vindictive... I kept a little bit of the second one because that helped to manipulate people...

as I have given myself completely over to God... I see my original personality coming back, without the selfishness and meanness... instead God is teaching me to use love as a way to treat people.. I really am not all that comfortable with this new creature in Christ... I feel very vulnerable and open to be hurt... and I do not do well with hurt... it seems much of the hard and callous heart is being cut away and I am left wide open... and that is scary...

back before I was married I was the average white girl... by the time I left him I had very little of that person left.. and other than the color of my skin... my thoughts... my actions... even my movements looked like all my friends... none of whom were white... and she even had a different name, this person I had become... as God is changing me... I see many of those traits leaving me... I am losing my rhythm.. and THAT is distressing to me... I took a class at the gym last night... and I could not get the steps... I could not move my arms and legs at the same time... I have become the average white girl again... and in this class... I thought if I could just get a shot of Jack I could get this... and that kinda tells me... the person I used to be... was controlled by a spirit that was not of God... and I guess if it takes a wrong spirit to make me have rhythm... apparently I will be left without any...

so if you see me uncoordinated in the gym... just remember... I am exactly as God wants me to be... uncoordinated... rhythmless... and full of the love of God...