senna is my friend...

okay... this is NOT for MEN... this is a very sensitive post only for the women of the world...

I don't know about you... but all my life I have had problems with irregularity... now some people think this is a problem... for those of us who deal with it... I think we are all thankful that we don't go every time we eat like you really are supposed to...

so.. about once a week I either drink by tea or swallow as a pill this wonder drug called senna... it is an herb (I think) that is used as a laxative... and so one day a week.. .I clear out all that is held captive in my body... I try to do it on friday nights so saturday I can handle this in the privacy of my own home...

occasionally this does not work out... and I have to deal with this issue at work... and the thing is... why do we as women try to pretend that we have no bodily functions and why do men seem so at ease to tell anyone at all about theirs? I think all of the women of the world need to stop pretending... we need to all admit that we go to the bathroom... and it stinks... and we slip some gas sometimes too... I am thinking that if we all do it at the same time... none of us will need to feel embarrassed... what do you say? are you all with me??

kelly ripa apparently agrees...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r2aRqoi-njU

what do you see behind you?

I think where we are going is very closely linked to where we think we have come from. while we are often told to leave the past in the past... that is really not very realistic or very easy to do... besides... the past experiences... whether positive or negative.. are what made you who you are today...

my thought is... we need to change the way we VIEW the past... surely we have all had bad experiences in our lives... but whatever the past holds for you... instead of being bitter and angry... instead of saying that I will never let that happen again... I will never let anyone close to me... how about we see how far we have come since that experience and decide that instead of remembering the negativity... we will try to determine what we can learn from the situation and use it to help someone else in the future... that way.. the pain was not in vain... you are able to have compassion for someone else's trials... because you have lived it too...

I have someone very close to me who's husband had an affair and a child in the affair.. and she determined to forgive him and accept the child in their life... this also includes accepting the other woman and forgiving her too... now while my natural mind thinks she is an idiot... my spirit mind knows that she is right... and she is sacrificing her own feelings and comfort for the union that she is committed to and the institution of marriage and the raising of a child... it would be easy to say that the bible says you can leave someone who is unfaithful... (I know it... I have done it...)but how much stronger must your relationship with God be to stay in the marriage? you would have to have put God first... and through her situation... she has been able to have compassion for other women who's husbands have been unfaithful... or for a woman who has been unfaithful.. she is able to help her to see the hurt and betrayal that she has been putting her spouse through...

with me.. mine was violence... I would never wish what I lived through on anyone... but I can understand the feelings of the person and why she feels like she can't leave... someone who has not lived it cannot see why she can't leave... it is not physical, it is mental... or why these women keep choosing the same man in a different body... you have to have lived a situation to understand someone else's struggle...

so the next time that you want to shut yourself off and tell no one what you have lived through... allow God to use you to be someone with compassion for someone else.. through this process you will find your own healing and you will help another to heal also...

when I look back... instead of seeing all the trauma and pain and betrayal that I lived through... I now see the love of God carrying me through it... and out of it... and I am able to rejoice in my past sorrow because without God carrying me... I would still be in it... God is good ALL THE TIME...

in God we trust?

it is so easy to say that we trust in God and we want His will in our lives... then things don't look like we want them to and we get nervous and want to make something happen to make us feel in control or to feel confident again...

when you grow up... you have the imagination that you will be the perfect family with the perfect kids and the perfect life.... and in my own case... I married a man God told me not to... and he beat the mess out of me... all the time... I didn't even have to speak... he would walk in while I was asleep and just snatch me out the bed throwing me off walls and stuff... and he made relationship something hideous and terrifying...

and every day I wondered will this be the day I die.... and somehow... I never did... and God took me out of the situation... and I knew this was no one's fault but mine for marrying a man God told me not to... but if a man was saved, he would do you right, right? NOT!!! it is about being created FOR A PARTICULAR man... and that wasn't the one I was created for... and it was easy for a while to blame him or God but in reality... I did this to me...

so now... trying to do the right thing... stay on the right path... walking toward the right man... somedays I wonder... will I ever trust this man? will I ever trust God enough to not take off running in fear... but I am still standing... and that is because of God... not because of me... and how can I NOT trust Him? what else do I have but trust in God? my way didn't work... and while God's way is scary looking... I don't have any choice but to trust Him...

in God I trust? YES I DO... and in His grace... He will teach me to trust the man too... Thank you Lord... I love you...

Yet will I trust Him...

Job 13:15 Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him.

I don't understand God's way... I will not even pretend that I do... so I don't understand what is going on with me right now...

I have been faithful... I have spoken life... I have believed... I have worked... I have walked... all toward the promises of God...

but what does one do... when you can't hold on any longer...

I don't have any truly spiritual answers for you... all I have is all I know... and that is this...

I would rather spend my time walking toward God and being wrong... than walking toward satan and being right...

so I will continue on in the dark Lord... asking you to turn the lights on... regardless of what I see when the lights come on... the truth is better than dark... and being deceived but enlightened is better than false hope... I don't know what will happen in the light... I don't know if you will show that I have heard your voice or if I have allowed the enemy to deceive me... I do know that you will be here with me... that you will never leave me nor forsake me and I have lived through worse than this and still you lead me...

I love you Lord... no matter what is shown when the lights come on... I trust you... in the dark and in the light... in fear and in faith... you are all I have ever had... all I have ever known...

yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me... you will lead me beside still waters...

sins of the father...

Leviticus 26:39 Those of you who are left will waste away in the lands of their enemies because of their sins; also because of their fathers' sins they will waste away. 40 " 'But if they will confess their sins and the sins of their fathers—their treachery against me and their hostility toward me, 41 which made me hostile toward them so that I sent them into the land of their enemies—then when their uncircumcised hearts are humbled and they pay for their sin,42 I will remember my covenant with Jacob and my covenant with Isaac and my covenant with Abraham, and I will remember the land. 43 For the land will be deserted by them and will enjoy its sabbaths while it lies desolate without them. They will pay for their sins because they rejected my laws and abhorred my decrees. 44 Yet in spite of this, when they are in the land of their enemies, I will not reject them or abhor them so as to destroy them completely, breaking my covenant with them. I am the LORD their God. 45 But for their sake I will remember the covenant with their ancestors whom I brought out of Egypt in the sight of the nations to be their God. I am the LORD.' "
Deuteronomy 5:8 “You must not make for yourself an idol of any kind, or an image of anything in the heavens or on the earth or in the sea. 9 You must not bow down to them or worship them, for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God who will not tolerate your affection for any other gods. I lay the sins of the parents upon their children; the entire family is affected—even children in the third and fourth generations of those who reject me.

when I was with my kid's father... God told me that he was not for me and that the price paid would be very high... and somehow... all this time.. I thought that I alone paid the cost of my sin... today I find that I am wrong...

my daughter has arthritis... she is is 18, she has had it since she was about 10... my son is bi-polar, adhd, and struggles with a rebellious spirit... I am thinking that the cost of my sin was much higher than I ever realized and has flowed down onto my children... all this time... I thought the cost of the rebellious nature I had was the physical and mental abuse that I suffered... but now... as time has gone on... I am thinking that the illness and sinful tendencies of myself and the kids could also be a cost of my rebellion against my Father...

the scripture tells us to obey your mother and father so that your days will be long in the land... I was not obedient to my Father... He clearly told me that the path I was on was sin and it was not for me... and now... all these years later... realization of the true cost is setting in...

in Leviticus... we are shown the blessing for obedience and the curses for disobedience... we take these things all too lightly... God has not changed His mind nor His consequences... we keep thinking that grace means that we will not pay a price for sin and that is not found ANYWHERE in scripture...

Father the word in Leviticus tells us that if we come before you and confess our sin, that you will be faithful and just to forgive us... and restore us to your covenant... I confess the sins of my disobedience and I ask you to lift this curse of illness and rebelliousness from my children... I ask for your mercy, for your grace and for your restoration of the covenant of blessing... I am believing fully that you will restore not only me, but also my children into your covenant... I humble myself before you.. I submit myself to your will and your ways... and I beg your for restoration of my children's health and covenant... I ask these things in Jesus name... knowing that you will be faithful and command it done... amen.amen.amen.

still sinning...

Romans 3:22This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, 23for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 24and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.

this morning I was reading a devotional called strength for the journey and the man was talking about Psalms 51. he says that this psalm was written by david after the sin with bathsheba and uriah has been told back to him by nathan the prophet after david tried to cover it all up...

at the bottom of the devotional it suggests to read psalms 51 and while reading it... confess your sin to God... and I sit there and want to say... what sin? strange how I always want to think that I am not sinning... surely... I am sinning in some way in the eyes of God... I mean.. yes, I do my best to be obedient to the will of God... I try very hard to be what God is calling me to be... but the bible says... we ALL fall short... which means.. I am sinning... I must be constantly in my mind covering it up in hopes of righteousness... (yes... I said hopes...)

so... Father... daily... remind me of things I am doing that are unpleasing to you... I don't want to just ask you to cleanse me from unrighteousness and not know what the sin was... I want to be changed... I want to be whole in Your eyes... show me my sins DAILY... in Jesus name I ask... amen.amen.amen.

the heart of a servant...

2 chronicles 25:2 And he did that which was right in the eyes of Jehovah, but not with a perfect heart.

I am reading the Purpose Driven Life and day 34 hit me kinda hard... it was saying that sometimes we will obey what God told us to do... but our heart is not right in the action... or our mind is not the mind of a servant...

sometimes we do things... instead of looking to bring glory to God... trying to bring attention and honor to ourselves... and of course my initial reaction is that I do not do this... but do I....???

a true servant... which are ALL called to be... will do things and never get the recognition or the words of affirmation that we so crave... and yet they will continue to do the work of the Lord... without it... and with a right attitude...

how often do we serve and get angry when our ministry is not raised up... or our name is not raised up... how often can we serve the people of God without any words of affirmation and yet not feel like we are being abused and mistreated...

there is something within us that craves recognition and power... we crave to be lifted among men... we want the pastor to tell everyone how wonderful we are... we want our ministry to shine above all others... and I wonder... is this not the same thing that the archangel Lucifer did... when he wanted to be raised up and given glory because of how awesome his worship and praise ministry to God was...?? was he not bringing glory upon himself...

this is not the heart that God is calling us to have... the heart that God calls us to have is meek and humble... it does not require recognition from man... that is pride... and while I struggle with pride also... I desire to be like Jesus...who was the perfect example of a servant... He did not try to draw attention to Himself... He was willing to wash the feet of the people who were supposed to be serving with Him...

we have a hard time laying down our desires for glory... and it is understandable... as we are born with a sin nature... but the bible tells us that we are to put off the old nature and take up our cross and follow God..

I recently told someone that I don't even know who I am anymore... and that is the truth... I am nothing like who I used to be... even just a year ago... my mind doesn't think the same... my heart doesn't feel the same... God has created in me a new creature in Christ... and I thank Him for it... now don't get me wrong.. I am not pretending that I have arrived... or that I don't struggle with sin and with pride... surely I do... daily... the change in me is that I don't desire to be out of the will of God anymore... I used to want my will above the will of God and now I want the will of God above my own will.. and I am thankful for the changes God has made in me...