rumors and reputation...

this morning I am reminded of Mary... the mother of Jesus... she was 'come upon' (whatever that means) and has become pregnant by the spirit of God to have a child.. and these people... surely talked about her...

people are mean... they can never seem to be happy for anyone... they can never think that maybe things happen as they are the will of God or people love one another... it can never be a happy rumor.. only the mean hateful ones where the woman is a seductress and the man is weak and he has succumbed to her evil plot and now she has him whipped by her amazing sexual feats... (surely you can see how stupid that sounds???)

maybe... just maybe... the will of God is coming to pass and you don't need to try to make is ugly or sinful... maybe it is just the will of God being manifested in human form... for goodness sakes... allow people to be happy for once in our lives... sheesh...

personal pet peeve...

this really about nothing... with no answer in sight... just something that REALLY annoys me...

have you ever known a woman that will only talk on the phone when her man is not around?? boy does that annoy me... now... I realize that men tend to get irritated when they are not the center of your existance... they think you need to hang up as long as they are in your presence... but still... do you really have to go along with it? why can't you answer the phone... talk a few minutes... (like under 3 even..) then say okay... well I'm with the man right now and will call you later... but you don't even answer the phone... I promise you that I will not remember whatever I was suppposed to say to you when you call me later...

and men... what is the issue... I mean... I can understand that she shouldn't be on the phone gossiping while you have a little personal time with her... and if ya'll are 'busy'... of course you wouldn't answer just then... but to think that every time she is in your presence she just won't answer the phone at all... that would tend to make me think something is going on... if I am with a man and his phone is off or on silent and he won't pick up ANY calls... there is something he is hiding...

my personal opinion is this... answer the phone... talk a few minutes and hang up... both sexes... truthfully... any time we are on the phone more than 10 minutes, it turns into gossip anyways so we really should not be hanging on the phone all like we do... and I don't know about you... but I sometimes make excuses for my gossip... such as... it was the truth... it may have been... but I am learning the hard way that if what you are saying does not encourage, edify and bring life... we don't need to say it... maybe if we don't say it.. we will eventually get to the place where we don't think it... maybe....

whew... feel better now... really had to get that off my chest...

have you ever wished you weren't saved?

today I am somewhat thinking that way... this sacrifice of myself is more than I can take some days and today is one of them...

last night... I had to deal with some of the most selfish and inconsiderate people of my existance... and I upfront admit that I did not handle it in a Christlike manner... I screamed and yelled and told people they are rude and selfish... I yelled at some kids (which is really not unusual, but usually I am playing...)and that wasn't right either...

I don't want to do any of this anymore... I want to go back to the street... I want someone to show me physical love... I want someone to think I am center of the universe again... I want to be drunk... I want to be out in the club dancing and getting attention... I want to be who I used to be... I want to be comfortable... for just 10 minutes...

my spirit knows that I have come to far to turn back now... God has been too good... regardless of how sickening people become... God is the center of the universe and He is the one that I am ultimately supposed to be focused on...

so this day I will suck up all this hurt and disappointment and walk on in the path that God has set before me and know that God will deal with my enemies.. God will deal with anyone who tries to harm me even if it is just emotionally or spiritually... I don't answer to man... I answer to God...

Father forgive me for my mouth... forgive me for my attitude... forgive me for not portraying you in my life... I ask that you will fix all the mess that I have created and create in me a right spirit and clean hands because this day I have neither one of those things... change me into the person that you desire for me to be... love me in spite of me... in Jesus name I ask it.. amen...

unconditional...

we all desire to be loved unconditionally... we want someone who will love us despite the issues we have or the things that we say that we shouldn't... yet how often are we really willing to give this to someone else?

God loves us even while we are still in our filth and sin... if God loved us the way that we love others, what a terrible situation we would be in... we like to think that we have come such a long way and are so wonderful... and maybe we have come a long way... I know that I have... yet I am not yet what God is calling me to be... that is a daily struggle... daily I have to die to the desires of self in order to be the woman of God that He desires me to be... God wants us to love people despite what they do or say... that is not an easy task... yet that is what God is requiring of us...

Father... I desire to love the people of this world... not only the people of God... but all people with the same love that You have shown to me... I am not worthy of the love You give me.. and I want to love others when they are right as well as when they are wrong... open my spirit eyes... the eyes of Love and show me my faults daily that I can be more like You... I ask this in Jesus precious name... amen.amen.amen. I love You more than I show...

what it looks like...

have you ever noticed that the promise of God coming to pass usually doesn't look like you thought it would...

I think we get this romanticized idea of what things should look like and then we stand there waiting to see what we thought up in our head... don't get me wrong... I am not at all complaining or trying to be negative... I am just saying that it isn't what we expected... maybe over time it will get to be what we thought... but surely not in the beginning... sometimes so much so that we don't even realize it has happened until God tells us it did...

an example would be... let's say God has put a particular ministry in your spirit... doesn't really matter what it is... and you are all gung ho thinking it will be so pretty and everyone will love it and be happy about it and it will all be roses... so you get started and first of all... it is ALOT OF WORK... and not work like you are used to... seems like everything that can go wrong does... then PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO ACCEPT IT... or they don't react the way you want them to... this is very hard to deal with and still keep pushing forward...

but God is good and if we continue on the path that He has chosen for us... He will be faithful to us as we are faithful to Him... don't you just love Him??? I know I do!!

thank you Father, for your will coming to pass in my life.. on the days it looks like I want it to as well as the days it does not.. help me to remain faithful and on the right path.. keep me focused on You, not man, not circumstances.. keep my sight in the spirit realm so I can see what You are doing in my life.. I love you Lord.. I adore You, I praise You, I bow down before You.. thank you Father for your love and goodness to me... I love you with an unchanging love...

role of a woman...

this one will be very unpleasing to the ears of women but it is still truth I am finding out...

we keep thinking that we are of value in ourselves... the bible clearly states that woman was created for man.. we were created with one purpose.. to be the help of a man... before covenant... I would suggest that one man would be Jesus... but after covenant.. we were created for the man God has created you for and we were each created for a man... it might take until you are old to find him, if that is the will of God, but it does not change the purpose... you will find no where in the bible where a woman was created to do great things in herself... even when a woman has serious spiritual gifts, such as teaching or evangelizing... still she is under the a man who is her head... she may have gifts, but her gifts are not her purpose... her gifts are given to aid in her purpose...

I know that none of this is anything we want to hear... it is nothing I desire to hear either... I keep running into a brick wall because over and over again I think it is for me to make decisions... it is not... I know who my covenant partner is... I am to remain in submission to him at all times... when comfortable and when uncomfortable... when it makes sense and when it doesn't...

I don't understand the ways of God many times... somehow He always shows me just what is expected of me... anything that lifts me up is usually pride and not of God... I am to be a servant... Jesus was a servant to all mankind... what would make me think I would be any different than He was...

Thank you Father... for your voice... even when I don't like what You say.. please continue to change me and lead me in the path You have chosen for me.. help me to learn and give into submission... in Jesus precious name. amen.amen.amen.

talkative vs. social....

I am pretty talkative during the day... I can hold conversations with just about anyone.. but when I get home in the evening... it's a whole nother story... I don't usually want to talk on the phone... I don't even want the tv on sometimes. I like to sit in the quiet by myself, just me and God...

I think this hurts people's feeling sometimes... it seems like many people don't really like their own company. That is strange to me... I love me some me... somedays I am the only one that really understands me... as I cannot get away from myself.. it seems important to like myself... so if someone wnts to come over in the evening I tend to make up some excuse about something I need to be doing... cause I'd rather just sit by myself...

Maybe I really am not as social as some people think I am... I don't know why I am like I am.... but just because I don't always want to talk doesn't mean I don't love you... I have been alone a long time... its comfortable to me...