Psalms 84: 2 I long, yes, I faint with longing to enter the courts of the Lord. With my whole being, body and soul, I will shout joyfully to the living God.

lately I have been battling my 'want to' with God...

sometimes the journey is just too long and tiring.. sometimes I would just rather be doing something other than the 'right thing'... while my outward actions may be right... I may not be physically doing anything sinful or wrong... many times.. the battle is within..

that is my battle.. I WANT to want to long for God with my whole being... but sometimes the desire just is not there... but I pray.. I cry out to God.. I ask Him to restore my desire for Him... 

and in this meanwhile.. while I am waiting to be completely filled and satisfied by God (because truthfully.. I am not there yet...) I try to fill that place with other things... 

it might be sweets... it might be jewelry... it might be shoes or clothes... 

and in honesty... those things give me a small satisfaction.. for a short while... then I look back.. and I have all this jewelry.. beautiful but somewhat useless.. I have all these shoes.. (and I do actually wear almost all of them..) I ate many many things I should not have.. so I have this belly I despise... and still I have this inner longing... 

there was a time that rather than fill this place with these things.. instead I filled it with non committed sex.. or with alcohol... or even just attention from men.. and in my commitment to God.. I have given these things up.. only to have replaced them with the things that I now do... 

what I really need is a change... a change in my spiritual walk.. so that my desires are based on my love for God.. because truly I do love God.. I couldn't imagine ever going backward in my relationship... but I need to move forward.. to stop filling that place within me with something other than Him...

Father I pray that you will reach down and touch.. not only me.. but anyone else that is wanting to desire you more than other things.. reach down and fill us with your Spirit.. fill us with desire to spend time with You.. fill us with the desire to put You above all other things.. fill us with Your Love.. fill us with the capacity to accept You and accept the Love You bring.. give us the insight to know that complete satisfaction and peace can only come from You... heal us from addictive behaviors.. change us completely.. from this day forward.. so that our lives can be used to bring glory to Your Name..  in Jesus name I ask these things..