Psalms 22: My God, my God, why have you abandoned me? Why are you so far away when I groan for help? ² Every day I call to you, my God, but you do not answer. Every night you hear my voice, but I find no relief.

³ Yet you are holy, enthroned on the praises of Israel. ⁴ Our ancestors trusted in you, and you rescued them. ⁵ They cried out to you and were saved. They trusted in you and were never disgraced.

⁶ But I am a worm and not a man. I am scorned and despised by all! ⁷ Everyone who sees me mocks me. They sneer and shake their heads, saying, ⁸ “Is this the one who relies on the Lord? Then let the Lord save him! If the Lord loves him so much, let the Lord rescue him!”

I was thinking about david.. and how everyone remembers that he is the man with the heart after God's own heart.. the one God loved so much.. He set him apart from others.. made his family rulers for generations to come... and even God's own son comes from david's lineage... those are the high moments... what about the years on end when saul chased david trying to kill him.. david had to live in the mountains hiding for years and years because the king wanted to kill him.. out of jealousy... God doesn't end the life of saul.. God doesn't change his heart.. him and david are never truly reconciled.. there are moments of lucidity where saul sees how ridiculous he has been and how faithful david has remained.. but within a day or two he was right back to the craziness...

even when david felt God was no where to be found... still he praises Him... he still talks of God's greatness in the middle of his crises while he is begging God to come and rescue him... that leads me back to me... there are days that I am feeling like God is no where in the vicinity... He has abandoned me.. He no longer loves me or thinks I am special... while I am complaining... I am rarely praising at the same time... even though I know how many times God has come to save me and rescue me... lately I haven't been feeling like it is going to happen...

now let me be clear... I have no questions of God's provision or anything like that... God is such a provider for me.. He always has been.. I have seen times when I have been so lost financially and God has always come to the rescue... He will not let me fall all the way... He may wait to the last minute.. but He is not letting me fall apart physically... but emotionally is different... now I know that emotionally I am all right.. I know that me and Jesus are a great couple and that I am happy with Him.. I know He will not hurt me.. that He has my own best interests at heart... but I don't know that if there is a man involved too.... I still know God is good.. but I don't really know if I can ever be in a relationship with a man and be emotionally stable and whole... most people would think that is sad... I would be okay if only I could have sex.... LOL!