Luke 22: ³¹ “Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift each of you like wheat. ³² But I have pleaded in prayer for you, Simon, that your faith should not fail. So when you have repented and turned to me again, strengthen your brothers.”
³³ Peter said, “Lord, I am ready to go to prison with you, and even to die with you.”

³⁴ But Jesus said, “Peter, let me tell you something. Before the rooster crows tomorrow morning, you will deny three times that you even know me.”

 

I noticed yesterday for the first time... satan asked to sift ALL of them like wheat... yet simon was the one Jesus prayed for.. the one that would fall... and even though Jesus prayed for him.. he still failed... so then Jesus prayed that he would repent and use the experience to strengthen every one else...

 

I had always read that thinking peter was the only one satan wanted to sift.. the only one he was allowed to come after.. I was wrong... he was just the only one that was going to fail... and how often when we fail.. do we use the situation to strengthen someone else? I think more often than not.. we try to hide our failings because we are embarrassed or weak.. and we don't want anyone to know.. but I know in my own life.. once I fall in an area.. I am usually very strong in that area.. unless I just don't want to be.. I try very diligently to not make the same mistakes twice... one day I will be a big enough person to tell others about my own short comings.. but today is really not that day...

 

I would be thankful that Jesus prayed for me.. but I would just so rather not be the one that will fail.. I would rather be one of the 10 that stand strong for God and His will... over my own weaknesses and fears.. but that is probably not the case.. I am much like peter in many ways...

1 kings 11: Now King Solomon loved many foreign women. Besides Pharaoh’s daughter, he married women from Moab, Ammon, Edom, Sidon, and from among the Hittites. ² The Lord had clearly instructed the people of Israel, ‘You must not marry them, because they will turn your hearts to their gods.’ Yet Solomon insisted on loving them anyway. ³ He had 700 wives of royal birth and 300 concubines. And in fact, they did turn his heart away from the Lord.

⁴ In Solomon’s old age, they turned his heart to worship other gods instead of being completely faithful to the Lord his God, as his father, David, had been. ⁵ Solomon worshiped Ashtoreth, the goddess of the Sidonians, and Molech, the detestable god of the Ammonites. ⁶ In this way, Solomon did what was evil in the Lord’s sight; he refused to follow the Lord completely, as his father, David, had done.

⁹ The Lord was very angry with Solomon, for his heart had turned away from the Lord, the God of Israel, who had appeared to him twice. ¹⁰ He had warned Solomon specifically about worshiping other gods, but Solomon did not listen to the Lord’s command. ¹¹ So now the Lord said to him, “Since you have not kept my covenant and have disobeyed my decrees, I will surely tear the kingdom away from you and give it to one of your servants.

 

in this scripture solomon breaks up the tribes of Israel because of his selfish desires being above God's will and ways... from this point on.. the tribes are no longer one kingdom... from here on out it becomes Israel as one country and Judah as one country.. the southern nation and the northern nation... all over one man's selfishness....

 

we may not have that much of an impact on a nation or a country.. but we do have that much impact on our families... what has our selfishness caused to happen in our family because of us forcing our own way over God's way.... I can think of some things in my own life....

 

another part of this says.. the Lord was very angry with solomon for turning away from the God who had appeared to him twice... this really struck me... I want a constant repore with God.. I want Him to constantly be reassuring me and telling me His plans... well that must not be His way.... now that doesn't make me want it any less... just makes me realize that I am expecting something that is probably not going to happen...

 

I think this is where the Holy Spirit comes in... I think while the Spirit may not be the revelation side of God.. He may not be the one that gives us a life vision... maybe that only happens once or twice in a lifetime... but the Spirit is there for the day to day... He is the one that gives us the uncomfortable feeling when we are doing wrong.. or gives us peace when we are doing right... I don't know that I am right.. I am just thinking maybe I take the Holy Spirit for granted too much... that I need to be thankful that I have leading and guiding even if it isn't the verbal communication that I long for...

 

I think to have ever heard the voice of God must be a mighty gift... we should be thankful for...

⁶ “I am the Lord, and I do not change. That is why you descendants of Jacob are not already destroyed. ⁷ Ever since the days of your ancestors, you have scorned my decrees and failed to obey them. Now return to me, and I will return to you,” says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies.
“But you ask, ‘How can we return when we have never gone away?’

⁸ “Should people cheat God? Yet you have cheated me!“But you ask, ‘What do you mean? When did we ever cheat you?’ “You have cheated me of the tithes and offerings due to me. ⁹ You are under a curse, for your whole nation has been cheating me. ¹⁰ Bring all the tithes into the storehouse so there will be enough food in my Temple. If you do,” says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies, “I will open the windows of heaven for you. I will pour out a blessing so great you won’t have enough room to take it in! Try it! Put me to the test! ¹¹ Your crops will be abundant, for I will guard them from insects and disease. Your grapes will not fall from the vine before they are ripe,” says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies. ¹² “Then all nations will call you blessed, for your land will be such a delight,” says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies.

it's odd that I would read this.. as lately I have been wondering how on earth am I not pleasing God? what more could He possibly want from me??? and I realize.. since christmas I have not been faithful in my tithes... I see what I owe rather than see God... and I have been cheating Him... would I have considered this 'sin'... I would say no.. but surely it is...

 

and the reality is.. the heart is not the only thing I struggle to trust God with... money is another... not because I can't or don't know it is right.. more because I am selfish and greedy..... and I can think of all the things I can spend money on... I often say once I get totally caught up I will tithe completely and I will stop spending needlessly... I think I can't get caught the whole way up because I am not putting God first... ugh.. I need to right this wrong immediately..................

 

I actually had wondered.. how can I get close to God again when I have never gone away from Him.... apparently His ideas and mine are not the same once again...

1 John 4: ¹⁸ Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love.

I have seen this scripture all month long... and it had got me thinking...
I readily admit I am terrified of love.. I am terrified to put my heart and emotions into someone or something and be deceived or hurt or crushed....

so if we think about the scripture.. we realize that it is saying that of course only God's love is perfect and there should be no fear there.. yet come on now.. I again admit.. even there I have fear... what if I get hurt... what if I can never overcome the hurt... I would rather just not put myself out there than to be hurt...

yet... isn't the whole purpose of our lives 'love'? isn't that really what gives us meaning?

I can say that I have love.. I love my cats.. I love my kids.. I love anyone who is in my world.. but to not truly give your heart to another person.. is that really living?
I can't answer that... because I am afraid...

Exodus 32: When the people saw how long it was taking Moses to come back down the mountain, they gathered around Aaron. “Come on,” they said, “make us some gods who can lead us. We don’t know what happened to this fellow Moses, who brought us here from the land of Egypt.”
² So Aaron said, “Take the gold rings from the ears of your wives and sons and daughters, and bring them to me.”
³ All the people took the gold rings from their ears and brought them to Aaron. ⁴ Then Aaron took the gold, melted it down, and molded it into the shape of a calf. When the people saw it, they exclaimed, “O Israel, these are the gods who brought you out of the land of Egypt!”
⁵ Aaron saw how excited the people were, so he built an altar in front of the calf. Then he announced, “Tomorrow will be a festival to the Lord!”
⁶ The people got up early the next morning to sacrifice burnt offerings and peace offerings. After this, they celebrated with feasting and drinking, and they indulged in pagan revelry.

⁷ The Lord told Moses, “Quick! Go down the mountain! Your people whom you brought from the land of Egypt have corrupted themselves.

when the people saw how long it was taking moses to come back down....

well... we can all say that we have been to that place.. where the waiting for God has brought us to insanity... brought us to the point of giving up.. brought us to the place of saying we don't know what has happened... maybe we have been wrong all along.. that is exactly where I am... where I have been for months....

 

and aaron.. who is the one who will be the next priest... gets the idea to build a god they can see and touch...

before we go judging him.. how often do we worship what we can see and touch.. even though we think we do not... it is just so much easier than waiting on a God that is real.. yet we cannot see Him.. sometimes we cannot hear Him... I am learning at this stage of my walk that God doesn't talk all the time.. the deeper into relationship we go.. the more He expects us to just trust what He has said and what He has shown and what He has already done in our lives... and that is proving more difficult than I would ever have imagined..

 

then of course he gets excited because the people are excited... and aaron states.. let's make a festival to the Lord... fooling himself saying he is still worshipping God... which is what we do when we have idols... because it is hard to even recognize when our focus is off God and onto something else because in our mind we are doing it all for God... (raises hand... that one is me..)

 

then God... isn't that always the way.. LOL.. God sees the sins and sets us right... praise God for seeing when I have corrupted myself by wanting my way... by being so tired of waiting on Him to move... by not being completely true to Him alone... and instead of destroying me.. He points it out.. so I can repent and get past it... thank you Father.. for your infinite Love for me..

Acts 9: Meanwhile, Saul was uttering threats with every breath and was eager to kill the Lord’s followers. So he went to the high priest. ² He requested letters addressed to the synagogues in Damascus, asking for their cooperation in the arrest of any followers of the Way he found there. He wanted to bring them—both men and women—back to Jerusalem in chains.
³ As he was approaching Damascus on this mission, a light from heaven suddenly shone down around him. ⁴ He fell to the ground and heard a voice saying to him, “Saul! Saul! Why are you persecuting me?” ⁵ “Who are you, lord?” Saul asked. And the voice replied, “I am Jesus, the one you are persecuting! ⁶ Now get up and go into the city, and you will be told what you must do.”
⁷ The men with Saul stood speechless, for they heard the sound of someone’s voice but saw no one! ⁸ Saul picked himself up off the ground, but when he opened his eyes he was blind. So his companions led him by the hand to Damascus. ⁹ He remained there blind for three days and did not eat or drink. ¹⁰ Now there was a believer in Damascus named Ananias. The Lord spoke to him in a vision, calling, “Ananias!” “Yes, Lord!” he replied. ¹¹ The Lord said, “Go over to Straight Street, to the house of Judas. When you get there, ask for a man from Tarsus named Saul. He is praying to me right now. ¹² I have shown him a vision of a man named Ananias coming in and laying hands on him so he can see again.” ¹³ “But Lord,” exclaimed Ananias, “I’ve heard many people talk about the terrible things this man has done to the believers in Jerusalem! ¹⁴ And he is authorized by the leading priests to arrest everyone who calls upon your name.”

¹⁵ But the Lord said, “Go, for Saul is my chosen instrument to take my message to the Gentiles and to kings, as well as to the people of Israel. ¹⁶ And I will show him how much he must suffer for my name’s sake.” ¹⁷ So Ananias went and found Saul. He laid his hands on him and said, “Brother Saul, the Lord Jesus, who appeared to you on the road, has sent me so that you might regain your sight and be filled with the Holy Spirit.” ¹⁸ Instantly something like scales fell from Saul’s eyes, and he regained his sight. Then he got up and was baptized. ¹⁹ Afterward he ate some food and regained his strength.

 

saul was eager to kill the Lords followers... uttering threats... this does not sound like a man following God.. and yet he believed he was... isn't it amazing the way God will change our lives and change our thinking when He calls our name... God showed saul all that he would suffer for God.. after the work he was doing against God.. yet he went forward... his purpose was to take the message of Jesus to gentile and to kings as well as the jews...

 

we look at our own lives... we think how small we are... yet God has a plan for us just like He did for saul.. He intends to pick us up right where we are in our mess and our filth.. He takes the scales from our eyes and shows us who Jesus is... and from that time forward we are changed... our life is new... and we too will take the message of Christ Jesus our Savior to everyone we come in contact with.. once you are touched by Christ.. you have to choice... you are no longer the same person.. there is no turning back...

1 Kings 17 Now Elijah, who was from Tishbe in Gilead, told King Ahab, “As surely as the Lord, the God of Israel, lives—the God I serve—there will be no dew or rain during the next few years until I give the word!”
² Then the Lord said to Elijah, ³ “Go to the east and hide by Kerith Brook, near where it enters the Jordan River. ⁴ Drink from the brook and eat what the ravens bring you, for I have commanded them to bring you food.”

⁵ So Elijah did as the Lord told him and camped beside Kerith Brook, east of the Jordan. ⁶ The ravens brought him bread and meat each morning and evening, and he drank from the brook. ⁷ But after a while the brook dried up, for there was no rainfall anywhere in the land.

 

God's provision is always so awesome and amazing to me... maybe I have never been fed by ravens... maybe I have never eaten manna that falls from the skies.. but there have been days in this life where I had kids to feed and no money and no food in the cupboard.. yet every single day.. there was a way made to eat... there were days in honesty that the kids ate and I did not.. but that was okay.. because truly I was far more worried about them eating than me... and anyone who looks at me.. sees.. I do not look like I have lost anything for the few meals I have missed...

 

sometimes the things that we go without are some of life's greatest lessons in this world...

I would not know how richly I am blessed right now if I had never missed a few meals... I have learned that God truly does provide for all of my needs.. not necessarily what I see as a need.. but what my true needs are.. He provides for every one.. and He also provides for many of my desires.. not all of them.. because I would become prideful.. as it is.. I am able to turn around and see where I have come from and know that it is only by the grace of God that I am where I am now...

 

Father I praise you.. I truly love and adore you.. you are my Light and my Salvation... you are all that I need..

Malachi 2: ¹⁴ You cry out, “Why doesn’t the Lord accept my worship?” I’ll tell you why! Because the Lord witnessed the vows you and your wife made when you were young. But you have been unfaithful to her, though she remained your faithful partner, the wife of your marriage vows.

¹⁵ Didn’t the Lord make you one with your wife? In body and spirit you are his. And what does he want? Godly children from your union. So guard your heart; remain loyal to the wife of your youth. ¹⁶ “For I hate divorce!” says the Lord, the God of Israel. “To divorce your wife is to overwhelm her with cruelty,” says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies. “So guard your heart; do not be unfaithful to your wife.”

 

to divorce your wife is to ovewhelm her with cruelty...

 

in the biblical times this would be because the chances of someone else marrying her after divorce are slim to none.. she would have had to be widowed to get another husband and then it would probably be the brother of the dead husband.. which is unfathomable to me.... but anyways... I was thinking about the overwhelm her with cruelty... and about all the issues I have with men and marriage.. and while my own issues surely go back much further than just marriage... my probably go all the way back to birth.... but I agree with the overwhelmed with cruelty thing...

 

 

how I mean that is... I think for me.. I have felt like I could never live through what I had lived through ever again... and every time I try to give some small measure of trust to someone.. then I get crushed... so I am good with just me and Jesus... now I do see my heart changing... I know that to guard our heart is to not become hard hearted.. but I do see myself being self protective again... I am very ready to just have a friend... like in the past.. non emotional... non committed... non drama... non hurtful...

I am reading a devotional that is talking about the biggest reasons for divorce...

 

the first reason being money... I would consider that a lack of compromise... someone who can't manage money well, like me.. would need to allow the other partner who prayerfully would be better at it.. to manage it.. the other partner needs to recognize that sometimes you have to allow the person who is not the great money manager to get something frivolous sometimes... that is compromise...

 

the second reason is selfishness... it specifically stated that moodiness is a sin and is in actuality selfishness manifested... now I would never have imagined that.. I don't know anyone who isn't moody sometimes... I do know that someone whose moods are unpredictable is very hard to live with.. it is like walking on eggshells all the time.. waiting for the bomb to go off... that is a terrible quality of life... drug addiciton, excessive drinking, moodiness, uncontrollable temper and unrealistic demands.. these things are all caused by selfishness, not character traits... and they are considered sin... it also stated that all sin comes down to selfishness because we want our own way over God's way.. I found that pretty hard to hear... but I am sure it is truth too...

 

the third reason is adultery... it states that 50% of men in every marriage have affairs and 25% of women in every marriage do.. it stated that the reasons given by psychologists are being unhappy with the sexual aspect of the marriage, premarital sex, and no affiliation with a church... premarital sex floored me... who do we know that doesn't have premarital sex... as I am not with anyone.. I do not have premarital sex... but.. I have in the past... while I desire to do God's will and wait for marriage.. I am not always so sure I am strong enough to do that... yet if I were to realize that my having sex before marriage could open a door to adultery.. that surely casts a new light on it... adultery is a very painful thing to go through... it affects who you think you are and your self value... because why would your spouse want someone else, except that something is lacking in you... I really do not ever want to deal with adultery ever again in this lifetime...

 

I think when we see the reasons for divorce on paper.. we can see some of the things that need to change within ourselves so that we do not fall prey to the demon of divorce... the enemy knows that our strength lies in family.... so he is determined to destroy it.. let us not allow him.. let's remain true to our vows to God and our spouses...

1 kings 8: ³⁷ “If there is a famine in the land or a plague or crop disease or attacks of locusts or caterpillars, or if your people’s enemies are in the land besieging their towns—whatever disaster or disease there is— ³⁸ and if your people Israel pray about their troubles, raising their hands toward this Temple, ³⁹ then hear from heaven where you live, and forgive. Give your people what their actions deserve, for you alone know each human heart. ⁴⁰ Then they will fear you as long as they live in the land you gave to our ancestors.

 

could you imagine if God really gave us what we deserve? this very morning... my heart is very angry... fairly hardened... yet God in His goodness still looks past that and forgives me and still continues to love me in spite of me... I am so thankful for the forgiveness of God... and for the fact that He loves me anyways....

1 Kings 8: ²⁷ “But will God really live on earth? Why, even the highest heavens cannot contain you. How much less this Temple I have built! ²⁸ Nevertheless, listen to my prayer and my plea, O Lord my God. Hear the cry and the prayer that your servant is making to you today. ²⁹ May you watch over this Temple night and day, this place where you have said, ‘My name will be there.’ May you always hear the prayers I make toward this place. ³⁰ May you hear the humble and earnest requests from me and your people Israel when we pray toward this place. Yes, hear us from heaven where you live, and when you hear, forgive.

 

I was reading this last night and thinking... how often do we really recognize the truth of God's greatness... we feel His presence.. we imagine He is in the church with us.. in our house.. in our car... but solomon recognizes that even the highest heavens cannot contain the greatness and the vastness of our God...

 

now don't imagine I am saying that He is not around us.. not with us... that His presence can't be felt.. surely it can... I think too often I don't realize how great God really is... I can't fathom the emmenseness... the magnitude...

 

I agree with solomon and I pray that God will hear our earnest prayers and requests as we seek to draw nearer to Him.. that He will forgive us our sins.. even the ones we aren't recognizing... that He will lead us and guide us in the way He would have us to go.. but most of all... I just ask for Him to love me... and you.. because there is nothing greater than love... and no one greater to love us.. than God Almighty...

Genesis 17: ¹⁵ Then God said to Abraham, “Regarding Sarai, your wife—her name will no longer be Sarai. From now on her name will be Sarah. ¹⁶ And I will bless her and give you a son from her! Yes, I will bless her richly, and she will become the mother of many nations. Kings of nations will be among her descendants.”

¹⁷ Then Abraham bowed down to the ground, but he laughed to himself in disbelief. “How could I become a father at the age of 100?” he thought. “And how can Sarah have a baby when she is ninety years old?” ¹⁸ So Abraham said to God, “May Ishmael live under your special blessing!”

¹⁹ But God replied, “No—Sarah, your wife, will give birth to a son for you. You will name him Isaac, and I will confirm my covenant with him and his descendants as an everlasting covenant. ²⁰ As for Ishmael, I will bless him also, just as you have asked. I will make him extremely fruitful and multiply his descendants. He will become the father of twelve princes, and I will make him a great nation. ²¹ But my covenant will be confirmed with Isaac, who will be born to you and Sarah about this time next year.” ²² When God had finished speaking, he left Abraham.

 

 

so this is when abraham is 99 and the bible says his body is dead.. and there is no viagra... and sarah is past the age of bearing children which means menopause has come and gone... now if you realize it... abraham was 75 the first time God told him about the promised son... and God took to long so they waited then went about playing God and producing ishmael with hagar...

 

to me... when you read this.. abraham laughed to himself in disbelief.. thinking how could I become a father at this age? how can sarah have a baby at 90... so he says to God... let ishmael live under this promise... and God tells him it is not ishmael...

 

so it sounds to me like abraham had given up on the promise... like he no longer believed he would have the child promised with sarah... yet God still comes through on the promise He made.. because God is faithful even when we are not... does it require believing in something for it to come to pass? I really don't know... I used to think so.. but this looks as if abraham had quit expecting it.. quit believing for it... so maybe.. God will cause His promises to happen regardless of us going along with Him... I pray that is the truth...

 

now this is not the same thing (to me) as my faith in God... I know God is my God.. that He is my Father.. that He will take care of me.. protect me.. provide for me... love me... I don't doubt any of these things of God.. ever... I have seen Him do amazing things as far as taking care of me and providing for me... I think abraham was much like me.. God said He would give the land to the descendants.. so he figured God must have been talking about ishmael and that abraham misunderstood when he heard God talking about a child with sarah... but he still followed God.. he still trusted God and loved Him and kept His commandments... still worshipped and prayed and sacrificed to Him... truly I still know God has a good future for me.. there is no question to me in that... and even if every day went on like today... my days are good... I am happy... I don't have alot of troubles and despair... I guess all I can do.. or all any of us can do... is to keep walking forward... keep believing in God Himself.. and trust for today and tomorrow too... to be obedient to what He has said to us... whatever things He has told us to do... be obedient and faithful and one day... whatever is supposed to happen.. will happen... because God is faithful ALL the time!

James 4: What is causing the quarrels and fights among you? Don’t they come from the evil desires at war within you? ² You want what you don’t have, so you scheme and kill to get it. You are jealous of what others have, but you can’t get it, so you fight and wage war to take it away from them. Yet you don’t have what you want because you don’t ask God for it. ³ And even when you ask, you don’t get it because your motives are all wrong—you want only what will give you pleasure.
 

I find yesterday that my motives are often wrong... while I imagined I was so pure and holy... my motives were for self.. not even self advancement.. but self satisfaction I am thinking...
 

I think our motives are one of the things about us that are so hard to judge... we tend to try to think the best of ourselves and so we don't really examine our motives about things... I think more often than I realize.. my motives are wrong.. I don't think it is intentional.. like I don't sit up at night and think.. I will do this to get that.. but on the low.. that is somewhat what we do... without realizing it or meaning to...
 

God said to me recently.. what if the situation never changes.. what if you never get in return what you think you want or think you should have... will you continue to do what I have told you to do? and when that happened.. I realized.. I whine and complain about a situation not changing.. so I don't want to do my part anymore.. I want to walk away.. because why do I continue to be wonderful if someone is not wonderful back to me... the answer apparently is because of God... and while I may do things because of God.. I have not been doing them FOR Him... just because He has told me to and I want to be obedient to Him... instead I do them with the idea that I will receive something back.. and that is not what He wants.. He wants me to do what He asks me.. just because I love Him...
 

so that is my new goal.. to continue to be kind and loving all the time.. whether I get anything back or not.. just because God has told me He wants me to do it... I am doing it for Him.. not for a return...

Hebrews 6: ¹¹ Our great desire is that you will keep on loving others as long as life lasts, in order to make certain that what you hope for will come true. ¹² Then you will not become spiritually dull and indifferent. Instead, you will follow the example of those who are going to inherit God’s promises because of their faith and endurance.

 

when I read this.. I wonder if our receiving the promises God has given us rests on our loving others...

 

wouldn't that be something if the reasons that God's promises take so long for us to receive is if we do not show love to others... if we are not loving in general to all people... maybe that is why God spends so much time on our love walk...

Galatians 5: ¹³ For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don’t use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love. ¹⁴ For the whole law can be summed up in this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” ¹⁵ But if you are always biting and devouring one another, watch out! Beware of destroying one another.

¹⁶ So I say, let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. Then you won’t be doing what your sinful nature craves. ¹⁷ The sinful nature wants to do evil, which is just the opposite of what the Spirit wants. And the Spirit gives us desires that are the opposite of what the sinful nature desires. These two forces are constantly fighting each other, so you are not free to carry out your good intentions. ¹⁸ But when you are directed by the Spirit, you are not under obligation to the law of Moses.

²² But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³ gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!

 

I think about us as people... how our intentions can be so good.. we can try so hard to be positive an uplifting.. we intend to not talk about people.. to not tear anyone down... we know we don't want anyone to be like that to us...

 

yet we falter... we mess up... we see people act a certain way or do something and we just fly out the mouth with words talking about it with someone else... then we realize we did it.. and we think.. ugh!! I do not want to be like that!!

 

how nice it would be to only produce the fruit of the spirit in our lives.. to be the pleasant and loving person God intended us to be... yet here we are.. daily battling against the old nature...

 

the scripture says that we don't have to battle it.. that we have already conquered it... yet I find the battle raging on... and I am better than yesterday.. but still in the battle...

Genesis 38: ⁶ In the course of time, Judah arranged for his firstborn son, Er, to marry a young woman named Tamar. ⁷ But Er was a wicked man in the Lord’s sight, so the Lord took his life. ⁸ Then Judah said to Er’s brother Onan, “Go and marry Tamar, as our law requires of the brother of a man who has died. You must produce an heir for your brother.” ⁹ But Onan was not willing to have a child who would not be his own heir. So whenever he had intercourse with his brother’s wife, he spilled the semen on the ground. This prevented her from having a child who would belong to his brother. ¹⁰ But the Lord considered it evil for Onan to deny a child to his dead brother. So the Lord took Onan’s life, too. ¹¹ Then Judah said to Tamar, his daughter-in-law, “Go back to your parents’ home and remain a widow until my son Shelah is old enough to marry you.” (But Judah didn’t really intend to do this because he was afraid Shelah would also die, like his two brothers.) So Tamar went back to live in her father’s home.

¹⁵ Judah noticed her and thought she was a prostitute, since she had covered her face. ¹⁶ So he stopped and propositioned her. “Let me have sex with you,” he said, not realizing that she was his own daughter-in-law. “How much will you pay to have sex with me?” Tamar asked. ¹⁷ “I’ll send you a young goat from my flock,” Judah promised. “But what will you give me to guarantee that you will send the goat?” she asked. ¹⁸ “What kind of guarantee do you want?” he replied. She answered, “Leave me your identification seal and its cord and the walking stick you are carrying.” So Judah gave them to her. Then he had intercourse with her, and she became pregnant. ¹⁹ Afterward she went back home, took off her veil, and put on her widow’s clothing as usual.

²² So Hirah returned to Judah and told him, “I couldn’t find her anywhere, and the men of the village claim they’ve never had a shrine prostitute there.” ²³ “Then let her keep the things I gave her,” Judah said. “I sent the young goat as we agreed, but you couldn’t find her. We’d be the laughingstock of the village if we went back again to look for her.” ²⁴ About three months later, Judah was told, “Tamar, your daughter-in-law, has acted like a prostitute. And now, because of this, she’s pregnant.” “Bring her out, and let her be burned!” Judah demanded. ²⁵ But as they were taking her out to kill her, she sent this message to her father-in-law: “The man who owns these things made me pregnant. Look closely. Whose seal and cord and walking stick are these?”
²⁶ Judah recognized them immediately and said, “She is more righteous than I am, because I didn’t arrange for her to marry my son Shelah.” And Judah never slept with Tamar again.
this is an example of how differently God thinks from how we do...

the first issue for me personally is the arranged marriage thing... what if you have no attraction whatsoever for this man.. what if he is gross and smelly or something... but... that was the times... so you marry this man.. you pray you come to have some type of feelings for him... then.. if he dies... they want you to sleep with the brother.. for the sole purpose of giving an heir to the dead man... then if this one dies too.. they pass you on to the next one... come on now... an amazing thing is.. these women almost had to view sex as an act like a man does otherwise their feelings would have been tore up behind this...

so the woman disguises herself as a prostitute.. (who wouldn't feel like a family whore by this point..) and she now sleeps with the father but he don't know it is her... she gets pregnant... and he is ready to kill her... for having sex... meanwhile you have been passing her down through the family... and now she must be a whore.. (insert true look of confusion) she brings out his stuff.. which proves he slept with her... now she has to go without sex the rest of her living days because now he is too righteous to sleep with her again.. for what?? everyone else in the family did.. including you.. now you're going to deny her physical needs... (again.. unless he was gross and she didn't want to..)

she doesn't remarry that it is told... but the twins that she has to Judah.. one of the boys is the descendant of David.. and Jesus.. so this was God's plan to have Jesus come from Judah... surely there had to be an easier way.. a less painful way.. a less humitiating way... this is one of the 3women recognized as descendants of Jesus... so this was a great honor...

God really thinks differently than I do....

last night's biblestudy was about dying things.. dying dreams... dying hope...

the truth of it is... there will always be things that die... sometimes we pray for something for a long time and it never comes to pass.. or... what if God has given you what you asked for only to take it back after a while... when things like this happen we almost feel betrayed by God... what if you have had the faith you are supposed to have.. you do everything God has asked and still you are disappointed... what is our reaction to things when they turn out this way? and what is God's reasoning behind any of this?

 

all this time.. I have thought that Jay died because of me.. because I believed something that wasn't from God.. that I was deceived... but after the bible study tonight... I am not sure.. what if I did hear God correctly... what if it had nothing to do with the reality that he died in the end... what if I was just being taught a faith journey at the time... what if it was just something that died? of course God would have had the ability.. the power to resurrect him... but He chose not to.. He could have stopped him from killing himself.. but He didn't... so then what? what happens to your relationship with God?

 

I admit in my own situation... I lost my faith... I fell into a pit and I couldn't get out... I couldn't really give God away... but I also felt llike I couldn't quite trust Him again.... so I tried to keep God but not really... I wanted to have Him be there for me.. but I also didn't really trust Him to take care of me anymore... I couldn't really trust anything I thought He was saying...

 

but as we all know... God makes us go back around the mountain... so a few weeks ago... God said to me.. are you going to do what I asked you to do? or are you going to keep on worrying about what you see... what if the situation never changes? will you do what I told you to do? or will you do what makes you comfortable?

 

I had to take a serious look at myself... am I only going to go partway with God? or am I finally going to give God 100% of myself without worrying if I get back what I feel is mine or what I want... God asked me was I willing to do what He says, just for His glory... not mine... just for His will... regardless if I ever get mine... the true question is: is God first in my life? or am I first in my life? who am I really trying to please?

 

I had to realize... I am done with my way... done with my will... I am willing to do God's will regardless of whether I ever get anything I think I want or need... if the vision never comes to pass... it was never my vision anyways... and in the end.. God is going to cause His will to come to pass... so if the vision is from God.. then it really will come to pass.. but not for me.. but for God's glory.. so can I just be willing to just be pleasing to God without worrying about my own desires? with the help of Jesus and the Holy Spirit.. I believe I can...

 

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. this lets us know... that even though things do not work out the way we thought or planned.. God still has a good future for us and we can still hope in Him... in the end... we need to somehow accept.. it is not about us getting what we wanted... but instead all about God getting glory... He may not work out what you wanted the way you wanted.. but He will work it out... when that scripture was given.. it was told that the people would be in captivity for 70years.. before that they were in captivity for 400years... after that God went silent for 400years... and then Jesus was born... some people will never see the promised land.. that is just reality...