what do you do when you have lost your faith...
I don't mean that you don't believe in God... I mean you have lost the faith to bring the promises to pass...
so what happens if the things I have believed and have seen all this time never come to pass... what then... that is the place where I am today....

I wonder about Sarah.. how did she hold on to the promise of the child long after her body had gone dead... or did she even hold on to it?
and about Job... how long did he wait on things to turn around before they did and all the while his friends are telling him that this surely is about some sin on his part.. and God refused to speak at all.. saying nothing.. did he begin to believe maybe it was about him after all....
or noah.. building the crazy ark at a time when rain had never fallen... and here he is..
building an ark the size of a city... and surely everyong laughing at him all the while... did he wonder if he imagined it all up? even though he kept going forward in building it.. was he wondering if he really had lost his mind...

this is where I am today.. did I imagine all this up.. even though it was given in such detail and clarity... nothing is moving.... nothing changing... everything looking like something else... sounding like something else... and my faith for this promise and vision have run out... so now.. at the edge of this.. I have no purpose... no reason for being here.. I have lost the reason for my life and future.... so now what? what does someone do when this is where you are??

so for this past few months I have been battling.. just giving up... walking away from the church that I know I am supposed to be at... leaving the ministry I excel in because I allowed people's negative words to affect me... so what am I even here for?

today I realize... does the vision really matter to me? I mean really.. I didn't want it to begin with... I don't like it a large part of the time.. so does that really matter?... and I guess it doesn't... I guess if I were right.. then God needs to do whatever it is He wants to do... and I will go along with whatever He does... but me.. I realize... I'm good... I am happy in my life.. I don't really want for anything.. I don't need anything... I am more satisfied and at peace than I have ever been in my past.. so why keep praying for something that will just disrupt my life anyways...

I will continue to follow God.. to do things God's ways... to seek Him daily... and to live a life that shows all that He means to me... I am thankful that God has chosen me to be one of His children... I will live to show that thankfulness... if I never receive the promise... my relationship with my Father is enough to keep me serving Him and following Him...
that is what you realize when your faith is gone... that God is all that mattered anyways.. and as long as He allows me to spend time with Him... I am satisfied... happy... thankful...