Genesis 32: 24 This left Jacob all alone in the camp, and a man came and wrestled with him until the dawn began to break. 25 When the man saw that he would not win the match, he touched Jacob’s hip and wrenched it out of its socket. 26 Then the man said, “Let me go, for the dawn is breaking!” But Jacob said, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.” 27 “What is your name?” the man asked. He replied, “Jacob.” 28 “Your name will no longer be Jacob,” the man told him. “From now on you will be called Israel, because you have fought with God and with men and have won.” 29 “Please tell me your name,” Jacob said. “Why do you want to know my name?” the man replied. Then he blessed Jacob there.

can you imagine fighting with God and winning?
some days I can't imagine fighting with man and winning much less fighting God and winning...

I woke up in the middle of the night from a dream.. I don't even know what the dream was.. but I remember thinking how mean I have become... and it flashes through my mind back to times in school when I was young when I felt like an outcast.. like no one liked me... now realistically... I don't have to flash back to see that... that is still reality for me.. it seems that I never fit in with people.. I am too strong willed.. to sure of myself.. too confident... I make other people feel insecure it seems... but I remember when I was young I was very mean... and I think some times.. the less we sin outwardly... the more we sin inwardly... it almost feels as if God would rather us have the outward sins than the inward ones.. the ones where we are unkind or we are self righteous.. those are worse than being a falling down drunk... I think God liked me better when I was full of sin and full of confessing it... full of remorse for it... easily able to see everything that was wrong with me because I was a mess on the outside...

this morning I asked God to give me understanding.. understanding who I am.. understanding why I am becoming mean again... understanding why I am so ridiculously insecure when I used to be so very confident... and how can it all be fixed... what exactly is it that He wants from me... as I am sure that right now I have no idea...

so I would say that surely I am in a battle with the Lord.. but surely I am not winning... but I do believe that still He blesses me...