love loosely 2

this is just me thinking out loud... probably won't be any scripture given.. but if there were.. it would be 1 Cor 13.. the love chapter...

through my son and an ex that committed suicide.. God has taught me to love loosely... people are in our lives.. but can be taken at any time.. don't build your life's security on someone else's being there or not being there.. your life needs to be built on God alone...

now of course.. I took this to the extreme.. as I am always an extremist... and so.. I didn't love.. really love... anyone... I did/do love sex... however and a man is necessary for that.. so I could be with someone for a long time and not ever really give my heart.. or at least I could until God did this weird vision/purpose thing in my life.. where I had to decide to love someone.. and somehow.. where you would think I would have control of the love I would give or not give.. it seems to be the opposite.. and I have no control at all... I have given all of me this time... (traumatic to say the least!!)

but the thing that God is teaching me right now is... when I give myself completely.. love without boundaries.. with complete abandon... then I tend to want to contain the person... to get upset and afraid and insecure and all these stupid words I have never been in the past... and I can't do that either.. a person cannot be contained.. they cannot be owned... we have to let it flow freely...

what is really odd about that is... the reason I would run from people in the past is because I felt as if they were smothering me.. trying to own me... and here I am.. somewhat trying to do that now... which is about ridiculous.. because surely as soon as I could get all the time I want... I would feel smothered again... LOL... (what a crazy backwards person I am...)

so I guess I am to the place where I am thinking.. if you are here.. that is fine.. and if you aren't.. that is fine too... because of course a person cannot be my base.. my stability.. that has to come from God... He is the Rock I stand upon and will continue to do so.. regardless of people coming into or out of my life... and I have to be willing to just let people be part of my life without wanting to be so involved... so..... if I were talking about someone else I could say obsessive.. but as it is me.. I will say controlling... I just gotta do what I am supposed to do and let the rest of it all ride... and Flow Freely....