is it worth it?

I am a firm believer that the people with the biggest call upon their lives have the hardest road to travel..

this is biblical... from moses to joseph to david all the way to Jesus.. and it has continued on since.. with paul and so many others..

I didn't have a hard road to travel in the beginning.. I guess I did in some respects.. but not most of the way.. the troubles that I had were usually self inflicted... I look at my son and his are also self caused.. my daughter on the other hand has done most things right throughout her life and cannot seem to catch a break anywhere...

I don't know how people keep on going when the pain is unbearable.. it doesn't matter what kind of pain it is.. some people's pain is physical.. some is emotional.. I feel as if the world is crashing in on me.. I don't know what is so different that is making me feel really like I have no more to give.. but here I am.. everything within me is screaming out for me to run to the highest hills.. to take off running.. to decide that I have got to have the plan confused... I have got to be wrong.. nothing is working out.. I am miserable.. I feel like falling apart... how is this God's will?.. how is this God's plan? what happened to the vision that I saw.. it may not have looked easy.. but it didn't look this bad... how am I supposed to be sure this is from God when I cannot see my hand in front of my face??

there is nothing I can do to bring all this to pass.. there is nowhere for me to go... nothing for me to do...

if it turns out that I am right.. and it all falls into place... am I going to believe it was worth it... the bible tells us that we are a living sacrifice.. but I think until you are laying on the altar burning up.. you really don't get it.. it really can't be as crushing as it seems like it is.. it really can't be this bad.. yet here it is.. nothing in sight to make me believe things will get better... do you think Jesus.. or paul really felt like it was worth all they went through? I guess after death.. if you look back at all the changes their lives made.. then you can see it.. but while they were alive.. what did it feel like...

we can look at joseph.. he had a rough time for the first half of his life.. but he had an awesome second half... I would like to be like that.. to have things get better.. but I am not sure they do... where is the hope at? the hope is in the effect that is left behind... the struggle is worth it because possibly at least one person can be changed by the sacrifice that we have gone through.. keep our focus on you o Lord.. and off of what it feels like.. and what we want... keep our focus on what you are doing behind the scenes that we can't see.. in Jesus name.. amen..