we are having a stewardship series at my church this month... and he asks anyone who is not financially stable to sign up for a budgeting class at the church to be held this week... and as I cannot manage my way out of a wet paper bag... I will go... but this is my true thoughts on the issue...
bad financial management is really not about a budget... come on now... I feel like anyone can write down what your bills are and manage out which pay you should be paying what bill... we also can figure out that we need to let this go or that go in order to be able to pay what we need to pay... the troubles come because first of all you don't want to give up what you can't afford... even if it is the right thing... even if you get them to give up what they can't afford... as soon as there is light at the end of the tunnel... because they are impulse shopper/spenders... they will think they can buy something they really can't afford...
but the true root of this is deeper than finances... that is just the outlet it is showing up in... here is my own sad story...
Jesus has pulled me out of financial distress over and over... but I keep ending up back in it...
my first trouble is my love language is gifts... so I keep buying myself stuff to make me feel loved... (did I just say that out loud???) some days I will even use the excuse that Jesus is buying it for me (cause God knows He is the one that will be paying for it...) (fyi... I need a new love language...)
my second trouble is (this one is for you Rev. George Miller who so kindly pointed this one out to me...) low self esteem... here is the explanation...
when I was in the world... my value came from my looks... (in my head anyways...) so I dressed sexy and got attention from men and hate from women... so I spent all my money feeding this 'look'...
when I got in the church... I looked sexy, so I didn't fit in... so I changed this... now I dress more conservatively and fit in with the church women and the women give me attention and the men ignore me cause I don't draw attention (usually... sexy still comes out every now and then...)so... I feel like I have to be the best dressed unattractive church woman ever... feeling like if I can't get attention from men because I am gorgeous... at least I can get it from women because they are hating...
trust me... I do not do any of this stuff on purpose... this is all subconscious.. I mean for real now... no one intentionally does crazy stuff like this...
so... the dilemma is... I guess I will go to this class because it is the right thing to do... and Jesus will dig me out of this hole one more time... but unless the root issues are dealt with... I will be right back in it... sadly enough...
you know... some people just don't have a gift with everything... you know, we all have strengths and weaknesses... money management is NOT my strength... the husband Jesus has prepared for me will have to be good at it and I will promise not to argue with him about what he says I can't spend...
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